or indeed rather, a just and reasonable Demand from all Lords, Ladies,
and Gentlemen, that while they are entertaining and improving each
other with those polite Questions, Answers, Repartees, Replies, and
Rejoinders, which I have with infinite Labour, and close Application,
during the Space of thirty-six Years, been collecting for their Service
and Improvement, they shall, as an Instance of Gratitude, on every proper
Occasion, quote my Name, after this or the like manner. _Madam, as our
Master_ WAGSTAFF _says_. _My Lord, as our Friend_ WAGSTAFF _has it_. I
do likewise expect, that all my Pupils shall drink my Health every Day
at Dinner and Supper during my Life; and that they, or their Posterity,
shall continue the same Ceremony to my _not inglorious Memory_, after my
Decease, for ever.
[2] This Word is spelt by _Latinists_, _Encyclopædia_; but the judicious
Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.
POLITE CONVERSATION.
IN THREE DIALOGUES.
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
The MEN.
_Lord_ SPARKISH,
_Lord_ SMART,
_Sir_ JOHN LINGER,
_Mr._ NEVEROUT,
_Colonel_ ATWIT.
The LADIES.
_Lady_ SMART,
_Miss_ NOTABLE,
_Lady_ ANSWERALL.
POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.
ST. JAMES’S PARK.
_Lord_ Sparkish _meeting Col._ Atwit.
_Col._ Well met, my Lord.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Thank ye, Colonel. A Parson would have said, I hope we
shall meet in Heaven. When did you see _Tom Neverout_?
_Col._ He’s just coming towards us. Talk of the Devil——
[Neverout _comes up_.
_Col._ How do you do, _Tom_?
_Neverout._ Never the better for you.
_Col._ I hope, you’re never the worse. But where’s your Manners? Don’t
you see my Lord _Sparkish_?
_Neverout._ My Lord, I beg your Lordship’s Pardon.
_Ld. Sparkish._ _Tom_, how is it, that you can’t see the Wood for Trees?
What Wind blew you hither?
_Neverout._ Why, my Lord, it is an ill Wind blows nobody good; for it
gives me the Honour of seeing your Lordship.
_Col._ _Tom_, you must go with us to Lady _Smart_’s to Breakfast.
_Neverout._ Must? Why, Colonel, Must’s for the King.
[_Col. offering in Jest to draw his Sword._
_Col._ Have you spoke with all your Friends?
_Neverout._ Colonel, as you’re stout, be merciful.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, agree, agree; the Law’s costly.
[_Col. taking his Hand from the Hilt._
_Col._ Well, _Tom_, you are never the worse Man to be afraid of me. Come
along.
_Neverout._ What, do you think, I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an
Owl?
I’ll wait on you. I hope Miss _Notable_ will be there; egad she’s very
handsome, and has Wit at Will.
_Col._ Why every one as they like; as the good Woman said, when she
kiss’d her Cow.
[_Lord_ Smart’_s House; they knock at the Door; the_ Porter
_comes out_.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, are you the Porter?
_Porter._ Yes, for Want of a better.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Is your Lady at Home?
_Porter._ She was at Home just now; but she’s not gone out yet.
_Neverout._ I warrant, this Rogue’s Tongue is well hung.
[_Lady_ Smart’_s Antichamber_.
_Lady_ Smart _and Lady_ Answerall _at the Tea-table_.
_Lady Smart._ My Lord, your Lordship’s most humble Servant.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, you spoke too late; I was your Ladyship’s before.
_Lady Smart._ Oh! Colonel, are you here!
_Col._ As sure as you’re there, Madam.
_Lady Smart._ Oh, Mr. _Neverout_! what, such a Man alive!
_Neverout._ Ay, Madam; alive, and alive like to be, at your Ladyship’s
Service.
_Lady Smart._ Well: I’ll get a Knife, and nick it down, that Mr.
_Neverout_ came to our House. And pray, What News Mr. _Neverout_?
_Neverout._ Why, Madam, Queen _Elizabeth_’s dead.
_Lady Smart._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, I see you are no Changeling.
[_Miss_ Notable _comes in_.
_Neverout._ Miss, your Slave: I hope your early Rising will do you no
Harm. I hear you are but just come out of the Cloth-Market.
_Miss._ I always rise at Eleven, whether it be Day or no.
_Col._ Miss, I hope you are up for all Day?
_Miss._ Yes, if I don’t get a Fall before Night.
_Col._ Miss, I heard you were out of Order; pray, how are you now?
_Miss._ Pretty well, Colonel, I thank you.
_Col._ Pretty and well, Miss! that’s Two very good things.
_Miss._ I mean, I am better than I was.
_Neverout._ Why then, ’tis well you were sick.
_Miss._ What, Mr. _Neverout_; you take me up, before I’m down.
_Lady Smart._ Come, let us leave off Children’s Play, and come to
Push-pin.
_Miss_ [_to Lady Smart._] Pray, Madam, give me some more Sugar to my Tea.
_Col._ Oh! Miss, you must needs be very good-humour’d, you love sweet
things so much.
_Neverout._ Stir it up with the Spoon, Miss; for the deeper the sweeter.
_Lady Smart._ I assure you, Miss, the Colonel has made you a great
Compliment.
_Miss._ I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, that complimenting is
lying.
_Lady Smart_ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] My Lord, methinks the Sight of you is
good for sore Eyes; if we had known of your Coming, we would have strown
Rushes for you: How has your Lordship done this long time?
_Col._ Faith, Madam, he’s better in Health, than in good Conditions.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; I see there’s no worse Friend than one brings from
Home with one; and I am not the first Man has carry’d a Rod to whip
himself.
_Neverout._ Here’s Miss, has not a Word to throw at a Dog. Come; a Penny
for your Thoughts.
_Miss._ It is not worth a Farthing; for I was thinking of you.
[_Col._——_rising up._——
_Lady Smart._ Colonel, Where are you going so soon? I hope you did not
come to fetch Fire.
_Col._ Madam, I must needs go Home for half an Hour.
_Miss._ Why, Colonel, they say, the Devil’s at Home.
_Lady Answerall._ Well, but sit while you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as
standing.
_Col._ No, Madam; while I’m standing I’m going.
_Miss._ Nay, let him go; I promise him, we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold
him.
_Lady Smart._ I suppose, Colonel, we keep you from better Company; I mean
only as to myself.
_Col._ Madam, I am all Obedience.
[_Col. sits down._
_Lady Smart._ Lord, Miss, how can you drink your Tea so hot? Sure your
Mouth’s pav’d.
How do you like this Tea, Colonel?
_Col._ Well enough, Madam; but methinks it is a little more-ish.
_Lady Smart._ Oh, Colonel! I understand you. _Betty_, bring the
Canister: I have but very little of this Tea left; but I don’t love to
make two Wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not.
He, he, he, he.
[_Laughs._
_Lady Answ._ [_to the Maid._] Why, sure, _Betty_, you are bewitch’d; the
Cream is burnt to.
_Betty._ Why, Madam, the Bishop has set his Foot in it.
_Lady Smart._ Go, you Girl, and warm some fresh Cream.
_Betty._ Indeed, Madam, there’s none left; for the Cat has eaten it all.
_Lady Smart._ I doubt, it was a Cat with Two Legs.
_Miss._ Colonel, Don’t you love Bread and Butter with your Tea?
_Col._ Yes, in a Morning, Miss: For they say, Butter is Gold in a
Morning, Silver at Noon, but it is Lead at Night.
_Neverout._ Miss, the Weather is so hot, that my Butter melts on my Bread.
_Lady Answ._ Why, Butter, I’ve heard ’em say, is mad twice a Year.
_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to the Maid._] Mrs. _Betty_, how does your Body
Politick?
_Col._ Fie, my Lord; you’ll make Mrs. _Betty_ blush.
_Lady Smart._ Blush! ay, blush like a blue Dog.
_Neverout._ Pray, Mrs. _Betty_, Are not you _Tom Johnson_’s Daughter?
_Betty._ So my Mother tells me, Sir.
_Ld. Sparkish._ But, Mrs. _Betty_, I hear you are in Love.
_Betty._ My Lord, I thank God, I hate nobody; I am in Charity with all
the World.
_Lady Smart._ Why, Wench, I think, thy Tongue runs upon Wheels this
Morning: How came you by that Scratch on your Nose? Have you been
fighting with the Cats?
_Col._ [_to Miss._] Miss, When will you be married?
_Miss._ One of these Odd-come-shortly’s, Colonel.
_Neverout._ Yes; they say, the Match is half made, the Spark is willing,
but Miss is not.
_Miss._ I suppose, the Gentleman has got his own Consent for it.
_Lady Answ._ Pray, My Lord, did you walk through the Park in this Rain?
_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes, Madam; we were neither Sugar nor Salt; we were not
afraid the Rain would melt us. He, he, he. [_Laugh._
_Col._ It rain’d, and the Sun shone at the same time.
_Neverout._ Why, then the Devil was beating his Wife behind the Door,
with a Shoulder of Mutton. [——_Laugh._——
_Col._ A blind Man would be glad to see that.
_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, methinks you stand in your own Light.
_Neverout._ Ah! Madam, I have done so all my Life.
_Ld. Sparkish._ I’m sure he sits in mine: Prythee, _Tom_, sit a little
farther: I believe your Father was no Glasier.
_Lady Smart._ Miss, dear Girl, fill me out a Dish of Tea, for I’m very
lazy.
[_Miss fills a Dish of Tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it._
_Lady Smart._ What, Miss, Will you be my Taster?
_Miss._ No, Madam; but, they say, ’tis an ill Cook, that can’t lick her
own Fingers.
_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, fill me another.
_Miss._ Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?
_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, they say, you went to Court last Night very
drunk: Nay, I’m told for certain, you had been among _Philistines_: No
Wonder the Cat wink’d, when both her Eyes were out.
_Col._ Indeed, Madam, that’s a Lye.
_Lady Answ._ ’Tis better I should lye, than you should lose your good
Manners: Besides, I don’t lie; I sit.
_Neverout._ O faith, Colonel, you must own you had a Drop in your Eye:
When I left you, you were half Seas over.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I fear, Lady _Answerall_ can’t live long, she has
so much Wit.
_Neverout._ No; she can’t live, that’s certain; but she may linger Thirty
or Forty Years.
_Miss._ Live long; ay, longer than a Cat, or a Dog, or a better thing.
_Lady Answ._ Oh! Miss, you must give your Vardi too!
_Ld. Sparkish._ Miss, Shall I fill you another Dish of Tea?
_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I have drank enough.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, it will do you more good than a Month’s Fasting;
here, take it.
_Miss._ No, I thank your Lordship; enough’s as good as a Feast.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; but if you always say No, you’ll never be married.
_Lady Answ._ Do, my Lord, give her a Dish; for, they say, Maids will say
No, and take it.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; and I dare say, Miss is a Maid in Thought, Word,
and Deed.
_Neverout._ I would not take my Oath of that.
_Miss._ Pray, Sir, speak for yourself.
_Lady Smart._ Fie, Miss; they say, Maids should be seen, and not heard.
_Lady Answ._ Good Miss, stir the Fire, that the Tea-Kettle may boil.—You
have done it very well; now it burns purely. Well, Miss, you’ll have a
chearful Husband.
_Miss._ Indeed, your Ladyship could have stirr’d it much better.
_Lady Answ._ I know that very well, Hussy; but I won’t keep a Dog, and
bark myself.
_Neverout._ What! you are sick, Miss.
_Miss._ Not at all; for her Ladyship meant you.
_Neverout._ Oh! faith, Miss, you are in Lob’s-pound; get out as you can.
_Miss._ I won’t quarrel with my Bread and Butter for all that: I know
when I’m well.
_Lady Answ._ Well; but Miss——
_Neverout._ Ah! dear Madam, let the Matter fall; take Pity on poor Miss;
don’t throw Water on a drownded Rat.
_Miss._ Indeed, Mr. _Neverout_, you should be cut for the Simples this
Morning: Say a Word more, and you had as good eat your Nails.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Miss, will you be so good as to favour us with a
Song?
_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I can’t; for I have a great Cold.
_Col._ Oh! Miss, they say, all good Singers have Colds.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, does not Miss sing very well?
_Lady Answ._ She sings, as one may _say_, my Lord.
_Miss._ I hear, Mr. _Neverout_ has a very good Voice.
_Col._ Yes; _Tom_ sings well; but his Luck’s naught.
_Neverout._ Faith, Colonel, you hit yourself a devilish Box on the Ear.
_Col._ Miss, Will you take a Pinch of Snuff?
_Miss._ No, Colonel; you must know, I never take Snuff, but when I’m
angry.
_Lady Answ._ Yes, yes, she can take Snuff; but she has never a Box to put
it in.
_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, let me see that Box.
_Col._ Madam, there’s never a C upon it.
_Miss._ May be there is, Colonel.
_Col._ Ay; but May-bees don’t fly now, Miss.
_Neverout._ Colonel, why so hard upon poor Miss? Don’t set your Wit
against a Child: Miss, give me a Blow, and I’ll beat him.
_Miss._ So she pray’d me to tell you.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, my Lady _Smart_, What Kin are you to Lord _Pozz_?
_Lady Smart._ Why, his Grandmother and mine had Four Elbows.
_Lady Answ._ Well, methinks here is a silent Meeting. Come, Miss, hold up
your Head, Girl; there’s Money bid for you.
[—_Miss starts_—
_Miss._ Lord, Madam, you frighten me out of my Seven Senses!
_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I must be going.
_Lady Answ._ I have seen hastier People than you stay all Night.
_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] _Tom Neverout_ and I are to leap To-morrow for
a Guinea.
_Miss._ I believe, Colonel, Mr. _Neverout_ can leap at a Crust better
than you.
_Neverout._ Miss, your Tongue runs before your Wit; nothing can tame you
but a Husband.
_Miss._ Peace! I think I hear the Church Clock.
_Neverout._ Why you know, as the Fool thinks——
_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, your Handkerchief’s fallen.
_Miss._ Let him set his Foot on it, that it mayn’t fly in his Face.
_Neverout._ Well, Miss——
_Miss._ Ay, ay; many a one says well, that thinks ill.
_Neverout._ Well, Miss; I’ll think of this.
_Miss._ That’s Rhime, if you take it in Time.
_Neverout._ What! I see you are a Poet.
_Miss._ Yes; if I had but the Wit to show it.
_Neverout._ Miss, Will you be so kind as to fill me a Dish of Tea?
_Miss._ Pray, let your Betters be serv’d before you; I am just going to
fill one for myself; and, you know, the Parson always christens his own
Child first.
_Neverout._ But I saw you fill one just now for the Colonel: Well, I find
kissing goes by Favour.
_Miss._ But pray, Mr. _Neverout_, What Lady was that you were talking
with in the Side-Box last _Tuesday_?
_Neverout._ Miss, can you keep a Secret?
_Miss._ Yes, I can.
_Neverout._ Well, Miss; and so can I.
_Col._ Odds-so! I have cut my Thumb with this cursed Knife!
_Lady Answ._ Ay; that was your Mother’s Fault, because she only warn’d
you not to cut your Fingers.
_Lady Smart._ No, no;’tis only Fools cut their Fingers; but wise Folks
cut their Thumbs.——
_Miss._ I’m sorry for it, but I can’t cry.
_Col._ Don’t you think Miss is grown?
_Lady Answ._ Ay; ill Weeds grow apace.
[——_A Puff of Smoke comes down the Chimney._——
_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, Does your Ladyship’s Chimney smoke?
_Col._ No, Madam; but they say, Smoke always pursues the Fair, and your
Ladyship sat nearest.
_Lady Smart._ Madam, Do you love Bohea Tea?
_Lady Answ._ Why, Madam, I must confess I do love it; but it does not
love me.
_Miss._ [_to Lady Smart._] Indeed, Madam, your Ladyship is very sparing
of your Tea: I protest, the last I took, was no more than Water bewitch’d.
_Col._ Pray, Miss, if I may be so bold, What Lover gave you that fine
Etuy?
_Miss._ Don’t you know? then keep Counsel.
_Lady Answ._ I’ll tell you, Colonel, who gave it her; it was the best
Lover she will ever have while she lives; her own dear Papa.
_Neverout._ Methinks, Miss, I don’t much like the Colour of that Ribbon.
_Miss._ Why then, Mr. _Neverout_, do you see, if you don’t much like it,
you may look off of it.
_Ld. Sparkish._ I don’t doubt, Madam, but your Ladyship has heard, that
Sir _John Brisk_ has got an Employment at Court.
_Lady Smart._ Yes, yes; and I warrant, he thinks himself no small Fool
now.
_Neverout._ Yet, Madam, I have heard some People take him for a wise Man.
_Lady Smart._ Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are other-wise.
_Lady Answ._ Do you know him, Mr. _Neverout_?
_Neverout._ Know him! ay, as well as the Beggar knows his Dish.
_Col._ Well; I can only say, that he has better Luck than honester Folks:
But pray, How came he to get this Employment?
_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, by Chance, as the Man kill’d the Devil.
_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are in a brown Study; What’s the Matter?
Methinks you look like Mum-Chance, that was hang’d for saying nothing.
_Miss._ I’d have you to know, I scorn your Words.
_Neverout._ Well; but scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddings.
_Miss._ Well; my Comfort is, your Tongue is no Slander. What! you would
not have one be always on the high Grin.
_Neverout._ Cry, Map-sticks, Madam; no Offence, I hope.
[——_Lady_ Smart _breaks a Tea-cup_.——
_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, How came you to break your Cup?
_Lady Smart._ I can’t help it, if I would cry my Eyes out.
_Miss._ Why, sell it, Madam, and buy a new one with some of the Money.
_Col._ ’Tis a Folly to cry for spilt Milk.
_Lady Smart._ Why, if Things did not break or wear out, how would
Tradesmen live?
_Miss._ Well; I am very sick, if any body car’d for it.
_Neverout._ Come, then, Miss, e’en make a Die of it, and then we shall
have a Burying of our own.
_Miss._ The Devil take you, _Neverout_, besides all small Curses.
_Lady Answ._ Marry, come up, What, plain _Neverout_! methinks you might
have an M under your Girdle, Miss.
_Lady Smart._ Well, well, naught’s never in Danger; I warrant, Miss will
spit in her Hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do you like this Bisket?
_Col._ I’m like all Fools; I love every Thing that’s good.
_Lady Smart._ Well, and isn’t it pure good?
_Col._ ’Tis better than a worse.
[——_Footman brings the Colonel a Letter._——
_Lady Answ._ I suppose, Colonel, that’s a Billet-doux from your Mistress.
_Col._ Egad, I don’t know whence it comes; but whoe’er writ it, writes a
Hand like a Foot.
_Miss._ Well, you may make a Secret of it, but we can spell, and put
together.
_Neverout._ Miss, What spells B double Uzzard?
_Miss._ Buzzard in your Teeth, Mr. _Neverout_.
_Lady Smart._ Now you are up, Mr. _Neverout_, Will you do me the Favour,
to do me the Kindness, to take off the Tea-kettle?
_Ld. Sparkish._ I wonder what makes these Bells ring.
_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, I suppose, because they pull the Ropes.
[_Here all laugh._
[——Neverout _plays with a Tea-cup_.——
_Miss._ Now a Child would have cry’d half an Hour before it would have
found out such a pretty Plaything.
_Lady Smart._ Well said, Miss: I vow, Mr. _Neverout_, the Girl is too
hard for you.
_Neverout._ Ay, Miss will say any Thing but her Prayers, and those she
whistles.
_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, make me a Present of that pretty Penknife?
_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, Miss, catch him at that, and hang him.
_Col._ Not for the World, dear Miss; it will cut Love.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Colonel, you shall be married first, I was just going to
say that.
_Lady Smart._ Well, but for all that, I can tell who is a great Admirer
of Miss: Pray, Miss, how do you like Mr. _Spruce_? I swear I have often
seen him cast a Sheep’s Eye out of a Calf’s Head at you: Deny it if you
can.
_Miss._ Oh! Madam; all the World knows, that Mr. _Spruce_ is a general
Lover.
_Col._ Come, Miss, ’tis too true to make a Jest on.
[——_Miss blushes._——
_Lady Answ._ Well, however, Blushing is some Sign of Grace.
_Neverout._ Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with
Thinking.
_Miss._ Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, you are pleas’d to divert yourselves;
but, as I hope to be sav’d, there’s nothing in it.
_Lady Smart._ Touch a gall’d Horse, and he’ll wince: Love will creep
where it dare not go: I’d hold a hundred Pound Mr. _Neverout_ was the
Inventor of that Story; and, Colonel, I doubt you had a Finger in the Pye.
_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, you forgot to salute Miss when you came in;
she said you had not been here a long time.
_Miss._ Fie, Madam! I vow, Colonel, I said no such thing; I wonder at
your Ladyship!
_Col._ Miss, I beg your Pardon——
[_Goes to salute her, she struggles a little._——
_Miss._ Well, I had rather give a Knave a Kiss, for once, than be
troubled with him; but, upon my Word, you are more bold than welcome.
_Lady Smart._ Fie, fie, Miss! for Shame of the World, and Speech of good
People.
[Neverout _to_ Miss, _who is cooking her Tea and Bread and
Butter_.
_Neverout._ Come, come, Miss, make much of naught; good Folks are scarce.
_Miss._ What! and You must come in with your Two Eggs a Penny, and Three
of them rotten.
_Col._ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] But, my Lord, I forgot to ask you, How you
like my new Cloaths?
_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, very well, Colonel; only, to deal plainly with you,
methinks the worst Piece is in the Middle.
[——_Here a loud Laugh, often repeated._——
_Col._ My Lord, you are too severe on your Friends.
_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, I’m hot; are you a Sot?
_Neverout._ Miss, I’m cold; are you a Scold? Take you that.
_Lady Smart._ I confess, that was home. I find, Mr. _Neverout_, you won’t
give your Head for the washing, as they say.
_Miss._ Oh! he’s a sore Man, where the Skin’s off. I see, Mr. _Neverout_
has a Mind to sharpen the Edge of his Wit, on the Whetstone of my
Ignorance.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, _Tom_, you are struck! I never heard a better
Thing.
_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, give me Leave to scratch you for that fine Speech.
_Miss._ Pox on your Picture; it cost me a Groat the drawing.
_Neverout._ [_to Lady Smart._] ’Sbuds, Madam, I have burnt my Hand with
your plaguy Tea-kettle.
_Lady Smart._ Why, then, Mr. _Neverout_, you must say, God save the King.
_Neverout._ Did you ever see the like?
_Miss._ Never, but once, at a Wedding.
_Col._ Pray, Miss, how old are you?
_Miss._ Why, I’m as old as my Tongue, and a little older than my Teeth.
_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Ans._] Pray, Madam, is Miss _Buxom_ married? I
hear, ’tis all over the Town.
_Lady Answ._ My Lord, she’s either married, or worse.
_Col._ If she ben’t marry’d, at least she’s lustily promis’d. But, is it
certain, that Sir _John Blunderbuss_ is dead at last?
_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes; or else he’s sadly wrong’d, for they have bury’d
him.
_Miss._ Why, if he be dead, he’ll eat no more Bread.
_Col._ But, is he really dead?
_Lady Answ._ Yes, Colonel; as sure as you’re alive——
_Col._ They say, he was an honest Man.
_Lady Answ._ Yes, with good looking to.
[——Miss _feels a Pimple on her Face_.——
_Miss._ Lord! I think my Goodness is coming out. Madam, will your
Ladyship please to send me a Patch?
_Neverout._ Miss, if you are a Maid, put your Hand upon your Spot.
_Miss._ ——There——
[_Covering her Face with both her Hands._——
_Lady Smart._ Well, thou art a mad Girl.
[_Gives her a Tap._
_Miss._ Lord, Madam; is that a Blow to give a Child?
[——_Lady_ Smart _lets fall her Handkerchief, and the Colonel
stoops for it_.——
_Lady Smart._ Colonel, you shall have a better Office.
_Col._ Oh! Madam, I can’t have a better, than to serve your Ladyship.
_Col._ [_to Lady Sparkish._] Madam, has your Ladyship read the new Play,
written by a Lord? it is call’d, _Love in a Hollow Tree_.
_Lady Sparkish._ No, Colonel.
_Col._ Why, then your Ladyship has one Pleasure to come.
[——Miss _sighs_.——
_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, why do you sigh?
_Miss._ To make a Fool ask, and you are the first.
_Neverout._ Why, Miss, I find there is nothing but a Bit and a Blow with
you.
_Lady Answ._ Why, you must know, Miss is in Love.
_Miss._ I wish, my Head may never ake till that Day.
_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, Miss, never sigh, but send for him.
——_Lady Smart and Lady Answerall speaking together._] If he be hang’d,
he’ll come hopping; and if he be drown’d, he’ll come dropping.
_Miss._ Well, I swear, you’d make one die with laughing.
[——Miss _plays with a Tea-cup, and_ Neverout _plays with
another_.——
_Neverout._ Well; I see, one Fool makes many.
_Miss._ And you’re the greatest Fool of any.
_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, will you be so kind to tie this String for me
with your fair Hands? it will go all in your Day’s Work.
_Miss._ Marry, come up, indeed; tie it yourself, you have as many Hands
as I; your Man’s Man will have a fine Office truly: Come, pray, stand out
of my spitting Place.
_Neverout._ Well; but, Miss, don’t be angry.
_Miss._ No; I was never angry in my Life but once, and then nobody car’d
for it; so I resolv’d never to be angry again.
_Neverout._ Well; but if you’ll tie it, you shall never know what I’ll do
for you.
_Miss._ So I suppose, truly.
_Neverout._ Well; but I’ll make you a fine Present one of these Days.
_Miss._ Ay; when the Devil’s blind; and his Eyes are not sore yet.
_Neverout._ No, Miss; I’ll send it you To-morrow.
_Miss._ Well, well: To-morrow’s a new Day; but I suppose, you mean,
Tomorrow-come-never.
_Neverout._ Oh! ’tis the prettiest Thing: I assure you, there came but
Two of them over in Three Ships.
_Miss._ Would I could see it, quoth blind _Hugh_. But why did you not
bring me a Present of Snuff this Morning?
_Neverout._ Because, Miss, you never ask’d me; and ’tis an ill Dog that’s
not worth whistling for.
_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, how came your Ladyship
last _Thursday_ to go to that odious Puppet-show?
_Col._ Why, to be sure, her Ladyship went to see, and to be seen.
_Lady Answ._ You have made a fine Speech, Colonel: Pray, what will you
take for your Mouth-piece?
_Ld. Sparkish._ Take that, Colonel: But, pray, Madam, was my Lady _Snuff_
there? They say, she is extremely handsome.
_Lady Smart._ They must not see with my Eyes, that think so.