THE BEGINNING OF THE END
As June wore on it became more and more apparent that Elijah wore on
Miss Clegg. She grew less and less mild towards his shortcomings and
more and more severe as to the same.
"He's only--" Mrs. Lathrop attempted to explain to her.
"I don't care if he is," she replied, "it says in the Bible as a man is
a man for all that an' I never was one to go against the Bible even if I
ain't never felt in conscience called to say where Cain an' Abel got
married, or what it was as the Jews lit out from Egypt on a'count of. I
tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what it is to have a
man around your house. There's somethin' just about the way a man eats
an' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' to any woman after the new's off. I
begin to see what men invented gettin' married for,--it was so they
could kite around an' always be sure they had one woman safe chained up
at home to do their cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married to Elijah
a _tall_, an' yet just havin' him in the house is gettin' me more an'
more under his thumb every day that he stays with me. I feel to stay in
the square an' I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes hot biscuits,
an' I feel to turn his washstand around an' I leave it where it is for
no better reason than as he likes it where it is. It's awful the way a
man gets the upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've no love for Elijah
an' yet I'm caperin' upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in a hurry
an' tearin' my legs off scamperin' when he is, until I declare I feel
mad at myself--I certainly do.
"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with 'Liza Em'ly, the last girl in
the world as he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' I talk to him
an' talk to him, an' tell him so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make no
more impression than when you rub a cat behind her ear."
"Why, a cat--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles him half to death to hear
'Liza Em'ly's mere name, an' he don't care what any one says about her
just so long as it's about her.
"I see the minister down in the square to-day an' I told him my opinion
of it all right to his face. But the minister didn't have no heart for
'Liza Em'ly--he's too used up discussin' what under the sun is to be
done with Henry Ward Beecher. He says it's suthin' just awful about
Henry Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, an' he told me frank an'
open as personally it's been so terrible easy for him to get himself
married an' get consequences that he can't find nothin' to point his
index finger into Henry Ward Beecher with about this unrequited
affection of his for Emma. He says as he never knowed as a _man_ could
have unrequited affection afore an' he really seems to feel more'n a
little hurt over it. He says he can't well see how to restrain Henry
Ward Beecher an' it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is far past
restrainin' himself. I see Polly White afterward an' she says it's
gospel truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed Emma all over
himself, even places where he had to do it by guess or a mirror."
"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I should say so," said Susan, "an' will you only consider, Mrs.
Lathrop, what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over any man like that! I
like all the Sweets an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as I should
regard her with a impartial eye, an' no impartial eye lookin' her way
could ever in reason deny as she don't appear likely to set no rivers
afire. Emma's a nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her teeth
turned in I don't say but what she might go along without bein' noticed
in a crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you can call her is
good-hearted an' you know as well as I do as bein' called good-hearted
is about the meanest thing as anybody can ever call anybody else. Folks
in this world never call any one good-hearted unless they can't find
nothin' else good to say of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensible
person'd rather have anythin' else about 'em good before their heart,
for it's way inside an' largely guesswork what it is anyhow.
"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even though Emma's her own child, still
she can't see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's March-haredness. She
says Emma's best p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way she puts her
whole soul into washin' an' bread-kneadin', but she says Henry Ward
Beecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate good p'ints like those. She
says she's talked to Emma an' any one with half a eye can see as it
ain't Emma as needs the talkin' to. She says Emma says as the way he
hangs onto her goin' home from choir practice is enough to pull her
patience all out of proportion. She says Emma says she'd as soon have a
garter-snake seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings around her
all the while, an' Mrs. Sweet says any one as has ever seen Emma seein'
a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward Beecher's chances as very slim
after a remark like that.
"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't took him into his store just now;
he says no young man ain't got a call to the grocery trade when he's in
a state of heart as won't let him hear the call o' the man as owns the
business, an' Mr. Kimball says when he fell into the vat where he was
stirrin' up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher never heard one single
holler as he gave--not one single solitary holler did that boy hear, an'
Mr. Kimball 'most had a real city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he told
me as he was in the vat for nigh on to a hour afore Elijah heard him
from the other side, an' he says as a consequence he ain't very much
took with havin' a clerk as is in love. He says too as only to see Henry
Ward Beecher tryin' to pour through a funnel when any member o' the
Sweet family is walkin' by on the other side of the square is enough to
make him as owns what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward Beecher's father
had gone unrequited too. Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' an' she
said it was too bad as Emma wasn't smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarter
Henry Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy says the trouble is as
Emma's too smart to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite smart
enough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy says as Mr. Fisher was just such
another an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck at a bug."
"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
"No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins did. Gran'ma Mullins is always
nothin' but glad to have a chance to shake her head an' wipe her eyes
over any one's love-makin'. She come in to wait a little 'cause Lucy
wanted to dust an' she says she ain't got no strength to stay in the
house while Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on the sofa every
time regular an' sometimes it gives him the toothache. She says she an'
Hiram never know when they 're dirty a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin'
but, Heaven help 'em, they always know when they're clean a'cordin' to
Lucy's idea of bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind as takes one of
her hairpins an' goes down on her knees an' scratches out the last bit
of dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen fit to allow to settle in His
cracks. You can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! She says it's a
hard thing to bear, but Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride helps
'em out.
"While we was talkin' Emma come by for the mail an' we see Henry Ward
Beecher's face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food display in
Mr. Kimball's window. Mr. Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' he
waited to see what would happen. Judge Fitch was there too an' Polly
White. We all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward Beecher an' I will say,
Mrs. Lathrop, as I never got so tired waitin' for nothin'."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, I think. If they get over
it your time's wasted an' if they don't get over it the time's wasted
all around. My own opinion is as all love affairs is a very foolish kind
o' business, for you never find real sensible folks havin' anythin' to
do with 'em. But it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry Ward
Beecher hung up there on the breakfast foods, an' we sat an' watched him
like combination cats till long about five Johnny come by an' said as
Mr. Sperrit had took Emma home with them to tea."
"Oh--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively.
"I don't know why not," said Susan, "my own opinion is as he's a
idiot--"
"Mr. Sper--"
"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always struck me as a very strange thing
as we had n't got one single idiot in this community an' I guess the
real truth is as we've had one all the time an' did n't know him by
sight. There's a idiot most everywhere till he gets the idea into his
head to kill some one an' so gives others the idea as he's safer shut
up, an' so it ain't surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. Brown on
my way home an' I asked her if she did n't think as I was right. She
said she would n't be surprised if it was true, an' it was very odd as
she'd never thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience with him
years ago when she had him that time as the minister went to the
Sperrits' on his vacation. She went on to say then as to her order o'
thinkin' Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to bein' idiots
themselves, for she says she don't know she's sure what ails 'em but
they've been married years now an' is still goin' round as beamin' as
two full moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk of in public but
actually to see 'em drivin' back from market sometimes most makes her
wish as she was n't a widow, an' she says anythin' as'd make her sorry
she's a widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose in a Christian town.
She was very much in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just then an'
she said it all over again to her an' she said more, too--she said as
the way she looks at him in church is all right an' really nothin' but a
joy to look on afore marriage, but she don't consider it hardly decent
afterwards for it's deludin' an' can't possibly be meant in earnest. She
says she was married, an' her son is married, an' her father was
married, too, an' you can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit
go on isn't suthin' pretty close to idiocy even if it ain't the whole
thing."
"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan, "as she thought maybe she got used
to lookin' pleasant at him in all them years as she kept house for him
afore he made up his mind to get married to her, an' so the habit kind
of is on her an' what's dyed in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr.
Sperrit. She said as they do say as he married her 'cause he wanted her
bedroom to hang up corn to dry in. She went on to say as for her part
she always enjoyed seein' the Sperrits so happy for it done any one good
to only look at 'em an' that she'd only be too happy to be a idiot
herself if it'd do any human bein' good to look at her an' Mr. Fisher
afterwards. She went on to say as she'd heard as the other night Mr.
Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain 'cause he'd forgot a cake o'
sapolio as she'd asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' I said I did
n't see nothin' very surprisin' in that, for I know if I asked any man
as I was married to to bring home a cake o' sapolio I should most surely
look to see the cake when he come home."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"I know; but you always spoiled him," said Susan. "Well, what was I
sayin'? Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy was tellin' her the other
day as they've got a idiot in Meadville--a real hereditary one; the
doctors have all studied him an' it's a clear case right down from his
great-grandfather."
"His great--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that is how it was, an'
Mrs. Macy says it's really so, for she see the tombstones all but the
mother's--hers ain't done yet. Seems the idiocy come from the
great-grandfather's stoppin' on the train crossin' to pick up a frog
'cause he was runnin' for suthin' in connection with the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals."
"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he never stopped to consider as what'd
kill a frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. Macy says the doctors
said as that was one very strong piece o' evidence against the family
brains right at the start, but she says he really was smarter than they
thought, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paid
for the funeral an' for the grandmother's, too."
"The grand--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"--Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems the railway track was their back
fence an' she'd always begged an' prayed him at the top o' her voice not
to go to town that way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was stone-deaf
an' then besides like all that kind he always pretended not to hear what
he did n't want to. But anyhow she was in the garden an' she see the
train an' she tried to get to him, an' whether she broke a blood vessel
yellin' or contracted heart disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she fell
over right then an' there an' it would have been copied in all the
newspapers all over the country even if the mother--"
"The moth--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she heard the yell an' run to the window
so quick she knocked the stick out as held it up an' it come down on her
head. So, you see the idiocy come right straight down in the family of
the idiot for three generations afore him."
"I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
"I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy says, she was n't either. No
one in Meadville never was."
"An' yet--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's altogether another kind o' idiot.
Henry Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if Emma won't have him,
an' they'll both always be the better an' happier for not havin' one
another, if they only knew it. It's mighty easy to love folks an' think
how happy you'd always be with 'em as long as you don't marry 'em. It's
marryin' 'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as shows you how hard it
is to be really married. I thank Heaven I'm only livin' in the house
with Elijah an' not married to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin'
rid of him in a little while now. You don't know how I ache to draw the
curtains of his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the water out of his
pitcher an' set a mouse trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' to
be mussed up again."
Susan sighed deeply.
"How long--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"I said three months," said Miss Clegg, "an' that takes it over the
Fourth of July. My heavens alive, seems some days as if I could n't but
just live, an' the meanest thing about a man is, he's so dead sure as he
makes you happy, bein' around the house."