AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH
"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the nail on its foot instead of its head
this time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop on the noon of the Sunday
before the Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in this week's paper
ain't suitin' any one a _tall_. I was down in the square yesterday an'
everybody as was there was talkin' about it, an' to-day after church
everybody was still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad all the
time."
"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"The one about the celebration as he printed in this week's paper,"
replied her friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' else after church
to-day, an' one an' all is dead set against the way as Elijah says.
Them as has bought their fireworks ain't pleased, of course, an' Mr.
Kimball says as he considers that Elijah had ought to of consulted him
afore he printed such a article in the hind part of a uncle's store that
had just laid in a new supply of two pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimball
says as he'd planned a window display o' cannon crackers pointin' all
ways out of a fort built o' his new dried apples an' now here's Elijah
comin' out in Saturday's paper for an old-fashioned Fourth o' July
without no firecrackers a _tall_. Mr. Kimball says he thinks Elijah
ought to remember whose nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; he
says punk is a thing as can never be worked off in no bargain lot of
odds an' ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is spoiled now anyway
just by the shock of the worry 'cause he can't be sure how folks is
goin' to be affected until the effect is over, an' the Fourth o' July'll
be over mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they had most a week to
calm down from Elijah's new idea--they ain't got but just Monday to
decide an' buy their fireworks, too.
"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make out what Elijah meant by callin'
for patriotic speeches; he says he's willin' to make a speech any day,
but he says no one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough to listen to a
speech on the Fourth o' July. He says too as it's very hard to get a
still crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to get absorbed listenin'
for fear suthin' may go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' watch.
Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause he had a personal experience that
way in his own dog; he says that dog would of made a fine hunter only
some one throwed a torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when he was
lookin' under a sidewalk, an' after that that dog almost had a fit if a
sparrow chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said he tried to cure him by
stuffin' cotton in his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly around his
head, but then he read in the paper about some deaf German as when he
played the piano always listened with his teeth, an' he said that just
made him empty the cotton right out of the dog an' give up.
"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know is what's Elijah tryin' to get at
anyhow. She says she always thought a barbecue was a kind of cake an'
she did n't know white folks ever could lift their legs that high, even
if they felt to want to. She says the idea of its bein' suthin' to eat
in the woods is surely most new to her an' she ain't sure she wants to
eat in the woods anyhow. She says there's always flies an' mosquitoes in
the woods an' she's passed the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, an'
jump up any time, years ago. As for cookin' in the woods she says that
part of Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. She says she never
hear of roastin' a ox whole in a pit in her life; she says how is the ox
to be got into the pit an' what's to cook him while he's in there an'
when he's cooked how's he to be got out again to eat? She says she
thinks Elijah has got a ox an' a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' a
pile. She says she knows they cook clams in piles on the seashore,
'cause she's heard so from people as has been there, an' besides she
seen a picture of one once.
"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most awful troubled over the ox, too.
She says Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong now that she just
knows as they'll expect him to put that ox into the pit when they're
ready to cook him, an' then lift him out again when he's done. She says
it's gettin' too terrible about Hiram, every time as somebody fat dies
anywhere or there's a piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screws
they send right for Hiram to be one o' the pallbearers an' give him the
heaviest corner. Why, she says the other day when that refrigerator came
for Polly White they unloaded it right onto Hiram from the train, an'
not a soul dreamed as there was shot packed in both sides of it to save
rates, until poor Hiram set it down to put it on the other shoulder.
She says too, as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted whole
anyway; she says it'll be a awful job gettin' his hair singed off in the
first place, an' she just knows they'll expect Hiram to hold him an'
twirl him while he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the whole of a ox
don't want to be roasted anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' the
liver has to be sliced an' the calves' brains has to be breaded an'
dipped in egg, an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him out o' the
pit, who's to skin him then, she'd like to know, for you can't tell her
as anybody can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked.
"Deacon White come up, an' he said he an' Polly would bring their own
lunch an' their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock an' look on, 'cause
Polly wanted to see the fun an' they were n't intendin' to have any
fireworks anyhow. He said he was curious about the ox himself; he said
he wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the pit, too, for that matter.
"He said he wanted it distinctly understood as he an' Polly'd bring
their own lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He said that rule would
apply to the pillow an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same as to the
lunch. There was some talk after he was gone on how terrible close he
an' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of funny, to be so savin' when
you ain't got nobody to save for, but the Whites an' Allens was always
funny an' what's bred in the flesh always sticks the bones out
somewhere, as we all know.
"The minister come up an' he said as it says in the Bible as when the ox
is in the pit every one must join in an' help him out, so he shall do
his part an' bring all his family with him. But he said he must remark
as to his order of thinkin' a ox struck him as a most singular way to
commemorate the day our forefathers fought an' bled over. He says he
should have thought a service o' song an' a much to be desired donation
towards cleanin' out his cistern would have been a more fittin' way to
spend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' a ox in a pit an' tryin' to
bake him there. He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, he says a
ox ain't no chestnut to stick in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o'
his own accord.
"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' to do with any of it; they're
all goin' to the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture on that
Russian that his country wants to amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an'
she an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. They want to see the
girl turn upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. Fisher says she can
hear about the ox when she comes back.
"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause young Dr. Brown's afraid o'
microbes in the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' with that new
smell he's invented the day before the Fourth, an' then they're goin' to
have huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon an' just spend a quiet day
waitin' for any accidents as may maybe come along. Mrs. Brown says
young Dr. Brown is always hopin' for another railroad smash-up like that
one that came while he was away studyin'. She says it always seems too
bad it couldn't have come a year later, when he was just back with that
handsome brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks as he got for a
prize." Susan paused.
"Shall you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the Fourth o' July. I never had
nothin' to do with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never had nothin' to
do with it since. My own idea's always been as the Boston people was
very foolish to go throwin' their tea overboard sooner'n buy stamps. We
all buy stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' over it, an' I guess we
do a lot other things as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept our tea
an' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. They say tea is very cheap in
England an' very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' is cheap with us.
Elijah says if it wasn't for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on a
low tariff, but my goodness, it looks to me like he'd better not meddle
with the tariff--he's set the town by the ears enough with his ox. I had
a long talk with him last night about the whole thing. I don't know, I'm
sure, how Elijah ever is goin' to get on without me, for I certainly do
talk to him enough to keep him in ideas right straight along. I was very
kind last night--but I was firm, too. In the end I broke him down
completely an' he told me as he never meant it that way a _tall_. He
says he only drew a picture o' what the Fourth o' July was in olden
times. But this town ain't good on pictures, we take things right up by
the handle an' deal with 'em a'cordin'."
"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but they can take him up by the tail
an' horns, can't they?"