THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE
"Well, where--" began Mrs. Lathrop in a tone of real pleasure at seeing
Miss Clegg come into her kitchen one afternoon a few days after.
Miss Clegg dropped into a chair.
"Well, I _have_ got trouble now!" she announced abruptly, "Elijah's
sick!"
"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"--Jah," finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sick
all night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence remark as I hope
this'll be a lesson to him to never do it again, for I've got a feelin'
in my legs as 'll bear me out in lettin' him or any one else die afore
I'll ever work again like I've worked to-day an' last night."
"Why, what--"
"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?"
"No, I--"
"Yes, I supposed so," said Susan, resignedly; "I know your ways, Mrs.
Lathrop, an' I never look for any other ways in you. It's good as I
don't, for if I did I'd be blind from lookin' an' not seein'. I know
you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an' I realize to the full how
different they are from me an' my ways, but a friend is a friend an'
what can't be endured has got to be cured, so I come to tell you about
Elijah just the same as I do anythin' else as is easy heard."
"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when I come out, but he had his pen
an' said he was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in bed. He can't
get out of bed on a'count of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if he
wants anythin' so it don't matter if I do leave for a little while. She
come an' offered an' I don't see why she should n't have a chance to
get married the same as any other girl, so I set her in the next room
an' told her not to go near him on no a'count, an' naturally there ain't
nothin' as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for Elijah to feel he'd ought
to be workin' on his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as he had n't
ought to be spoke to. I don't say as I consider Elijah any great catch,
but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin' at him with her mouth open I
ain't one to deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very fair young man as
young men go, an' I think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenths
can have a time tryin' to be happy with him. If she ain't happy long it
won't be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his wife 'll be happy as
any other man is."
"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, that's what I come to tell you. He woke me last night, tappin' on
my door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis on both sides at once."
"On both--"
"That's what he said. Well, as soon as I got awake enough to know as I
was n't asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow an' I sat up in bed an'
hollered back to him to take ten sips o' water, hold his breath while he
counted fifteen, an' go back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get up
with no two-sided appendicitis in the middle o' no night if I could help
it, an' I knowed anyhow as it was only some of them dried apples o' Mr.
Kimball's as was maybe lodged here an' there in him an' no harm done if
he'd only let me sleep.
"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o' lettin' me sleep while he set up
alone with his own two sides. There's suthin' about a man, Mrs. Lathrop,
as 'll never let him suffer in silence if there's any woman to be woke
up. A man can't be a hero unless a woman stands by barefooted with a
candle, an' he feels a good deal easier groanin' if he can hear her
sneezin' between times. So back come Elijah right off to say as I must
be up an' doin' or he'd be dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep I
told him to set a mouse trap two times afore my senses come to me an'
then when they did I was mad. I tell you I was _good_ an' mad too. I put
on my slippers an' father's duster as I always keep hangin' to my
bedpost to slip on or dust with just as I feel to need it on or dustin',
an' I went to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done up in a sort o'
ring o' rosy, groanin' an' takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyes
like he thought he could make me feel pleased at bein' woke up. But I
was n't goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, a stitch in
time saves nine, an' I hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to wake me
like that, not while there's maybe a chance of me havin' him to board
more 'n the three months I promised. I saw as I was gettin' into the
duster as all my comfort depended on how I acted right then an' there
an' I was decided to be firm. I stood by the bed an' looked at him hard
an' then I says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you wake me up for?'
'No one ever felt nothin' like this,' he says; 'I've got two appendixes
an' I can feel another comin' in my back.' 'Elijah,' I said, 'don't talk
nonsense. You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm woke up what do you
want me to do?' I leaned over him as I said it an' let a little hot
candle grease drip on his neck an' he give a yowl an' straightened out
an' then give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll make you some ginger
tea,' I says, 'an' put a mustard plaster wherever you like best,' I
says, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone,' I says, an' so I went
downstairs an' set to work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that tea an' I
bet I made it strong; I put some red pepper in it, too, an' poured a
little mucilage into the plaster, for I may in confidence remark as I
didn't intend as Elijah should ever look forward to wakin' me up in the
night again. Then I went upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole of
the cup at one gulp! You never see no one so satisfied with nothin' in
all your life! He fell back like he was shot an' said, 'Scott, Scott,
Scott,' until really I thought as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where do
you want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said, 'On my throat, I guess.' I
says, 'No, Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin' me up is nothin' to
joke over. You put this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't wake me up
again unless you feel for more tea.' I spoke kind, but he could see as I
felt firm an' I set the candle down an' went back to bed.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think,--what _do_ you think? Seems as
Elijah was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another place that he went
an' put the _sheet_ between him an' the plaster an' glued himself all
together. This mornin' when he awoke up there he was with the sheet
stuck firm to him an' I must say I was very far from pleased when he
hollered to me an' I went in an' found him lookin' more like a kite than
anythin' else an' not able to dress 'cause he could n't take off his
sheet. 'Well, Elijah, you _have_ done it now, I guess,' I says; 'I
never see nothin' the beat o' this. If I have to send for young Dr.
Brown to take that sheet off you, you'll be in the papers from the
earthquake to Russia an' back again.' Well, that was all there was to do
an' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the milk I had to ask her to go up to
young Dr. Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as soon as he could an'
amputate Elijah out o' bed. He come right after breakfast an' he had a
time, I tell you! We worked with water an' we worked with hot water, we
tried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick when Elijah was n't
expectin', but it was all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see such a
plaster, he said it'd be a fortune for mendin' china. Then we got the
dish-pan an' tried layin' Elijah face down across it an' pilin' books on
his back to keep the right place in front soakin', but even that didn't
help. Dr. Brown said in the end as he thought the only way maybe would
be to do all the corners of the sheet up in a paper an' let Elijah
carry it hugged tight to him an' wear father's duster down to the crick
an' sit in it till he just slowly come loose. But Elijah did n't want to
go bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself as if Meadville heard
of it we'd surely be very much talked about, so finally Dr. Brown said
he thought as he'd go home an' study up the case, an' I let him go for I
had my own ideas as to how much he knew about what was makin' the
trouble. So he went an' then I got dinner an' took some up to Elijah an'
told him jus' what I thought of the whole performance. I talked kind but
I talked firm an' I done a lot of good, for he said he did n't know but
it would be better if he arranged to live with the Whites after the
Fourth of July 'cause he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good deal of
trouble to me. I told him I hadn't a mite of doubt as he was a good deal
of trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come. I had to stop talkin' to him
an' go down an' tell her what was the matter. She said right off as her
idea would be to shut the windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah jus'
work himself loose from the inside out. I told her about the mucilage
though an' then she changed her views an' said I'd best fold the sheet
neatly an' let him wear it till he wore it off next time he growed a new
skin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told we keep sheddin' our skins the same
as snakes an' that that's really what makes our clothes need washin' so
often. She said the moral was plain as by the time the sheet'd need
washin' Elijah would shed it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she said
an' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin' Mrs. Sweet come in an' her
view was all different. She said as Elijah would find that sheet a most
awful drag on him an' to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go down to
where Mr. Kimball makes his dried apples an' steam loose in the vat. She
says he can steam out very fast an' Mr. Kimball bein' his uncle 'll
naturally let him sit in the vat for nothin'."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I don't know," said Susan; "Lucy come in while we was sittin'
there an' she said her view'd be for me just to take a firm hold of the
sheet an' walk straight out of the room without a so much as 'by your
leave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin' the sheet if I did that
way. An' then Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was as I'd best sit an'
sop Elijah with a sponge, which just shows why Hiram is so tore in two
between such a mother an' such a wife's views."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop again.
"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when I left an' 'Liza Em'ly was
lookin' at him an' sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you all about
it."
Just here a piercing scream was heard from across the way.
"My--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the door; as she opened it Eliza
Emily was seen flying down the Clegg steps.
"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from Mrs. Lathrop's steps.
"Elijah dropped his pen," screamed Eliza Emily in reply, "an' when he
reached for it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose."
"Did he tear the sheet any?"
"No, but he thinks he's tore himself."
Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards her own house.
"You can see I've got to go," she called back to her friend over her
shoulder; "this is what it is to have a man livin' in your house, Mrs.
Lathrop."