ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES
"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I _am_ goin' to do with Elijah," said
Susan Clegg to her friend one evening. "He's just as restless in his
ideas as he is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without untuckin'
everythin' at the foot. I hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' I
hate a man as makes a woman have to put the whole bed together again new
every mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no good to come of kickin' nights
an' I've talked to Elijah about layin' still till I should think he
could n't but see how right I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goes
right on kickin', an' now he's got it into his head as he's got to turn
the town topsy-turvy by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd rather not
know, an' makin' us very uncomfortable by knowin' it, an' knowin' as now
we know it we've got to do suthin' about it, an' that seems to make him
kick more than ever."
"Dear--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
"He set on the porch for an hour with me last night," Susan went on,
"tryin' to think o' suthin' as he could expose in the paper. He says a
paper ain't nothin' nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, an' a town
ain't fit to have a paper if it ain't got nothin' to expose in it. He
says no closet without some skeleton, an' he should think we'd have
ours, an' in the end he talked so much that I could n't but feel for a
little as maybe he was right an' as we _was_ behind the times, for when
you come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' ever does happen here
as had n't ought to happen--not since Mr. Shores' wife run off with his
clerk, an' that wa'n't no great happenin', for they could n't stand
sittin' on the piazza much longer--every one could see that--an' Mrs.
Shores wasn't one to have any man but her own husband comin' in an' out
o' the house at all hours, an' so if she'd got to the point where she
wanted a man as wasn't her own husband comin' in an' out, she just had
to up an' run away with him, an' I never have been one to say no ill of
her, for I look on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' on
Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye leads me to fully an' freely approve
of every thin' as his wife ever done."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak as I do. But Elijah seems to
think as suthin' else ought to of happened since then, an' he asked me
if I didn't know of nothin' as was bein' tried to be covered up as he
could uncover, an' I really did try to think of suthin' but nobody ever
covers up nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted to. Everybody knows
everythin' about everybody. We all know about Lucy an' Hiram, 'cause
Gran'ma Mullins is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucy
is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other side. Gran'ma Mullins says
when she sees a man like Hiram havin' to devote his strength an' his
Sundays to catchin' water-bugs, she most feels she's been a mother in
vain, an' Lucy says when she realizes as she's married a man as can't be
put to no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, she ain't got no
doubt at all as to what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very bitter about
marriage; she says when she thinks as she may be picked out for a golden
weddin' she feels like tyin' balloons to her feet an' goin' out an'
standin' on her head in the crick. Elijah asked me if maybe she was n't
in love with some one else as he could just notice in general kind o'
terms, but I told him he did n't know what Lucy Dill was on men now as
Hiram has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't believe no more in love a
_tall_. Lucy says if she was rid of men an' left on a desert island
alone, with one cow, so she could have eggs an' milk toast regular,
she'd never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved up anywhere near,
she'd heave down so quick that if any one on the ship had seen her
they'd think they imagined her afore they'd get ready to go to her
rescue. Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off to Polly Allen; he
said there must be thirty-five years between Polly an' the deacon, an'
could n't suthin' be hinted at about them. That set me to wonderin', an'
it's really very strange when you come to think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, how
contented Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had a word. He does the
cookin' an' washin' the same as he always did, an' lets her do anythin'
else she pleases, an' they say she's always very obligin' about doin'
it.
"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other way, an' asked if there was
n't anythin' bigger as could be looked into, but every one knows Hiram
is the biggest man anywhere around here, so that was no use. He asked
then if we did n't have a poorhouse or a insane asylum or a
slaughter-house or suthin' as he could show up in red ink. He said
somebody must be doin' suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin'
somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' his business to print all
about it. He says exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper business,
an' you can't be nothin' nowadays without you expose. He seemed to feel
very much put out about us not bein' able to be exposed, an' I could n't
help a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so.
"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I did n't know of nothin'? We ain't
got no place to do anythin' except in the square an' nobody never does
nothin' without everybody knows that day or the next mornin' at the
latest. I don't believe as anybody could have a secret with anybody in
this town 'cause you'd know very well as if you did n't get 'round
pretty quick an' tell it first the other one would be gettin' ahead o'
you an' tellin' it before you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift all
right. Them city papers has turned his head completely just as they do
everybody else's when they first get a new idea. Elijah wants us to be
eatin' bluing for blueberries an' cats for calves jus' so he can be the
first to tell us about it, but there ain't a cat in town as ain't too
well known for anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as for bluing, if
anybody can feed it to me for blueberries it's me as is the fool an'
them as is n't, an' that's my views.
"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I ain't got no great sympathy
with this new idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how awful things
is. I won't say as I approved when that man in Chicago made sausage out
o' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, but I will say as if Lucy see
her chance at Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could restrain herself.
Hiram's perfectly healthy an' could be depended upon not to disagree
with no one in sausage to anythin' like the extent Lucy disagrees with
him, an' Gran'ma Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel that I
ain't prepared to say as she'd rebel at anythin' as sent Lucy back to
her father.
"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about insurance an' railroads, but all
about insurance an' railroads is 'way beyond my interest an' 'way beyond
the understandin' of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' to remember
a thing about any of it a year from now anyhow. That's the trouble with
this country,--they don't remember nothin',--everybody forgets
everythin' before the month is out. Most of the people never thinks o'
San Francisco now, an' as for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's as
dead as Moses.
"That's the advantage the rest of the country has over us when it comes
to exposin'. They can expose an' expose, an' all the folks who read
about it forget an' forget, but here in this community it's different
an' you can't count on _our_ forgettin' things a _tall_, an' if Elijah
was turned loose I'll venture to say every last one o' them papers
would be saved until doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that I very
carefully restrain him. There's a many as knows as Mr. Kimball's dried
apples is often very under rate, an' a many others as knows whose dead
cat that was as Mrs. Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't till
she smelt as she'd got to. Every last one of us knows what Dr. Brown
gets at the drug store when he asks for what he usually gets an' there's
a good many as thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville more on a'count o'
Dr. Carter than to see her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't goin' to
set Elijah swimmin' in any such deep water. Elijah is a young man an'
the age to go wrong easy, an' when that age see how easy it is to go
wrong they're nothin' but foolish if they waste another second goin'
right, so if Elijah wants to go to exposin' he'll have to get his stuff
from some one else beside me."
"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg, "I'm only human after all an'
I can't in conscience deny as I should like to see them as I don't like
showed up just as much as any other man as is makin' a business of
showin' up his neighbors, likes it. But I know I've got to live here an'
it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd aired myself by way of Elijah.
There's a great difference between knowin' things all by yourself an'
readin' 'em in the paper, an' I know as that dead cat would cause a
great deal o' hard feelin' in print, while buried by Mrs. Sweet it only
helps her garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' as usual, but I shall
hold Elijah out o' print an' so keep the country safe."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said Susan; "he's goin' to print one
sheet as comes all printed from the city every week an' he says that'll
put new zest in the thing. It'll be a great deal better to get the zest
that way than to get it exposin'. Zest is suthin' as is always safest a
good ways off. Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done last night, for
in his hitchin' about he hitched over the edge o' the piazza in the
end."
"Did--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he tore a lot of things an' smashed a
rose bush, but I did n't care about that. I just told him to leave 'em
on a chair this mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, an' I done it, an'
as to the rose bush, I'll have him get another an' give it to me for a
present the next time I go to the city to pick it out myself."