was approximately as follows: “It was a physical impossibility for you
to have withstood longer. The only thing for you to do is to follow out
your instincts in moderation. If you do not, you will continue to be a
nervous wreck, and may even become insane. The majority of men can live
celibate lives without suffering in mind or body, but you are
extraordinarily amorous, and celibacy with you is out of the question.
Only don’t go into the slums any more. Confide in some stalwart young
man of your own class. You run great risk of being killed, or at least
contracting disease, in running around after strangers in the slums.”
On now making my decision henceforth to follow Nature’s behests, I gave
up the city mission work I was engaged in, and also finally gave up my
purpose of entering the Christian ministry. The presentation of
religious truths spoken of above, on the Sunday following my third
nocturnal ramble, was unavoidable, unless I wished to disappoint others
by failing to keep an engagement. I gave up religious work, not because
of lack of religious faith, but because I felt myself unworthy and unfit
by reason of my recent change in habits, and because I might bring
reproach on the Church.
I could not bring myself to follow the physician’s advice to confide in
a stalwart young man of my own class. I felt too much ashamed of my
abnormality. So I formed the habit of visiting my Mulberry Street
friends once a week, the visits continuing altogether for about a year.
I preferred the society of these adolescent roughs to that of all other
human beings, and woe to the friend of my ordinary circle who should
hinder or delay me on the evenings on which I had planned a visit to
Mulberry Street! If necessary to get rid of him, I would even insult any
friend who happened to call at this inopportune time. At first
exceedingly nervous for fear something would interfere with my setting
out, I became, when safe from interruption after I had boarded the
elevated train, blissfully intoxicated at the thought of meeting my
beaux again.
[Sidenote: _Obedience to Nature a Panacea._]
During this period of living one evening a week according to the
dictates of my peculiar instincts, I was happier than I had ever been
before, notwithstanding my suffering for the first two months from a
continuously painful sphincter ani. Recognizing the horror I had for
pædicatio, and not wishing to drive me away from their “gang,”
particularly as my visits made them on those evenings what they regarded
as flush with money, none ever again subjected me to it. But the
lacerations of the first night required two months for healing.
Moreover, I was never again robbed of my clothing.
The contrast in my own life between total abstinence and indulgence one
evening a week was that the latter made me sing continually on the
proper occasions, whereas with abstinence, I had been as continually
weeping and moaning. I felt that I had come into possession of the
earthly _summum bonum_, hitherto denied me. I had arrived at the
conviction that while the voice of the world would cry “Shame!” I was
acting according to the dictates of reason and conscience, and not
sinning against the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless this conviction was
occasionally shaken and I would be plunged into short spells of
melancholia due to remorse over my sensual practices.
[Sidenote: _Cementing an Androgyne’s Marriage Bond._]
My favorite was an American-born Irish lad of nineteen, since he was
both the handsomest and the most athletic. Because he soon became my
“husband” _par excellence_, I foolishly thought I did wrong to deceive
him as to my identity, as I did those who were not so closely related to
me. But before I revealed the facts, I submitted the following
declaration to be sworn to on a Bible:
“Do you solemnly swear that you will always keep inviolably secret my
name, residence, our relations, and all that I confide to you, not
revealing any of these things to your friends and pals without my
permission?”
Although strongly urged, he refused to be sworn. He did not intend to
keep what he was about to promise, and so was willing to give his word,
but too superstitious to give his oath. He said that any way it was a
Protestant Bible, and he would be sworn only on a Catholic Bible! Seeing
that it was hopeless to get him to take his oath, I reluctantly accepted
his word alone, and then told him nearly all the truth about myself. I
now look upon it as almost an insane procedure. Fortunately, nothing
ever resulted from my disclosures. Strangely, although it soon became
known to all my associates of Mulberry Street that I was a college
student and came from the best quarter of the city, no one ever
attempted to follow me home or to blackmail me. These young men had
never heard of this kind of blackmail.
[Sidenote: _An Inner Circle of Associates._]
After revealing who I was, I solemnly put the following questions, to
all of which he answered in the affirmative, although never meaning to
keep his word:
“Will you place me higher in your regard than any of your pals, seeing I
am to you as a wife?
“Do you realize that you and I are united by a closer bond than that
which unites you to your most intimate chums and pals?
“Will you then confide to me your secrets as to no one else in the
world, and also share all my secrets?
“Will you regard our association as not merely for sensuous enjoyment,
but also for close friendship, and for mutual help in the trials of
life?”
Thus was cemented an androgyne’s marriage bond. My purpose was to draw
him away from his environment, and bring him up to my own social level,
but my efforts met with complete failure.
Though having had in my career as a fairie about eight hundred
intimates, I have had less than a score who formed an inner circle and
whom I regarded as “husbands” _par excellence_. I only had one of them
at a time, and our relations were long-continued. In the case of nearly
every one of them, if it had been a matter dependent on my will, he
would have been my life partner. But circumstances beyond my control
brought a change on an average once a year. As a fairie, however, I was
not satisfied with monandry. I sometimes applied the term “husband”
playfully to my ordinary intimates.
[Sidenote: _A Night on Mulberry Street._]
These nights on Mulberry Street or vicinity had a great fascination for
me, and in subsequent years continued to have a fascination. For a
decade I occasionally yearned to be back there with the companions of
these days of my fairie apprenticeship. With half a score of adolescents
and two or three young women, an evening would be spent in some humble
two-room apartment. Everybody was exceedingly happy, and I perhaps the
happiest of all, sitting now in one young man’s lap, and now in that of
another. And how we all did sing! The young men petted and babied me
more than they did any of the girls, and even right before the eyes of
the girls. The latter were not jealous of me, especially because I was
the one who financed these parties. In my actions I was far more
feminine and babyish than any of the girls, and also far more amorous
and skilled in coquetry. The girls thought nothing strange of me, as the
nature of fairies was well known to them. I wish it understood, however,
that these gatherings were no more indecent than a children’s party in
the best social stratum. Even these knights of Mulberry Street had their
sense of decency. At these home parties, extreme intimacies were allowed
only in private. The only refreshment was beer, the three-quart pail
passing around the room from mouth to mouth, and being repeatedly sent
out to be refilled. I alone did not partake, having, as already
indicated, been brought up a total abstainer.
* * * * *
I have always been indifferent to the vast majority of men. I could
sleep with them without becoming in the least excited. It was necessary
to be under thirty, athletic, physically brave, smooth-shaven, and in no
way deformed. On the other hand, throughout my open career of twelve
years as a fairie, the proportion of men over thirty years old that
sought intimacy was hardly more than one per cent., while ninety-five
per cent. were between eighteen and twenty-five.
[Sidenote: _What Constituted Attractiveness._]
During my apprenticeship just described, however, I was attracted only
toward the ages sixteen to twenty-five, inclusive. Throughout this
autobiography, I use the term “adolescent” to denote men within these
age limits. Always has it seemed to me that men gradually grow less
masculine and less virile (in coitus) after passing twenty-five. They
have also appeared to me to lose their good looks soon after that age.
To me man appears to grow old and his beauty fade a decade earlier than
woman, which is just the opposite of the normal man’s impression. When I
was a boy of twelve, all males over sixteen appeared ugly, and I had
only sexual disgust for them. But in 1918, when I have arrived at my
middle forties, the age of male beauty in my eyes is confined between
eighteen and thirty years.
I have always preferred the brunette to the blonde type, although I
myself am of the former. For years after my fairie apprenticeship I
seemed to be especially drawn toward young men of Irish blood. The pure
Italian type of beauty, however, appears to me the highest. In my own
veins flows blood of five different nationalities of western Europe, but
no Irish or Italian. Perhaps my predilection for these two is due to the
fact that they constituted exclusively my associates during my
apprenticeship.
[Sidenote: _Sexual Preferences._]
Large frame counted for a great deal, as also large and well-developed
membra virilia. Variety exists as much in the latter respect as in
respect to frame. There is often an inverse proportion between the two.
I much preferred the rough to the gentleman, and the profane boozing
libertine to the morally upright. I have always been strongly attracted
by disregard for personal danger. When reading accounts of exploration
and adventure, I have sometimes fallen in love with the adventurer. For
example, I fell in love with a noted Arctic explorer while reading his
book, as well as with the kayak-men whose courageous deeds he describes.
To me tattooing has always been the mark of supreme masculinity. It was
a habit with me to seek for it on my beaux, and if found, I would rave
over it, osculate it, kneel before the young blood in adoration, and
call him all the glorious idealizing names I could think of. That one of
my eight hundred beaux with whom I would have chosen to live out my life
in daily comradeship was by far the most tattooed of all, and he did
actually live with me for several months when I was forty years of age,
besides being my “adopted son” for nine years. But it was not the
tattooing alone that attracted me. In practically every manly charm, he
stood supreme.
After an hour or so spent with a companion, it was painful to say
good-by, and I generally hoped for another meeting. But subsequently to
my apprenticeship just described, I generally had the same companion
only once, or at most several times, as it was a long time, if ever,
before we saw one another again. I usually felt for my companions a
non-sensual wifely love in addition to the mere sexual attraction, which
wifely love was transformed into a parental love after I had reached my
middle thirties and my associates were ten or more years younger than
myself. Throughout my life as a fairie, I always longed to have a young
man live with me as my husband. If this had been practicable, monandry
would possibly have been sufficient, as it proved to be in my early
forties. But until long after the close of my open career, I was
reluctant to reveal my identity, and was also deterred by the fear of
blackmail.
[Sidenote: _Polyandry Versus Monandry._]
At my middle forties, however, I am of the opinion that in the case of
inverts, promiscuity is preferable to monandry for the welfare of the
human race, the invert’s associates individually, and the naturally
polyandrous invert himself. Promiscuity does not affect the increase of
the race, whereas monandry might by interfering with the young man’s
ultimately marrying a woman. Practically all the invert’s intimates do
this ultimately, and raise a family. It appears to be the natural
function of the invert to minister to the ultra-virile until they reach
marriageable age according to present-day standards. These relations
merely supplant solitary onanism on the part of the virile, or else
extra-marital relations with a young member of the gentle sex.
In my extensive experience, I have come across nothing to support the _a
priori_ view of some medical men that the adolescent tends to become a
pervert, losing his normal instinct in whole or in part. My intimates of
early childhood grew up to be fathers. None of my beaux of my
apprenticeship just described—the only period of my adult career when I
went repeatedly with the same ones—ever gave evidence of any growing
coldness toward the gentle sex. Dozens of experiences that they
individually had were without any such effect. Why should fellatio have
such a tendency any more than occasional solitary onanism, to which
practically all ultra-virile adolescents are subject? That this tendency
is at most only a very remote possibility is indicated by the fact that
the young man who was my “adopted son” for nine years was as much of a
Don Juan at the end as at the beginning.
[Sidenote: _Fellatio Efficiendi._]
Secondly, invert promiscuity is to the interest of the young man because
it would be cruel and unnatural to ask any one to remain permanently in
the relation, and the promiscuity in question would obviate practically
all risk of his ever becoming a pervert, if there be such risk.
Associates have told me that in coitus I was the most violently excited
of any one they ever saw, and manifested the intensest feeling (_i.e._,
mental). A few have said that they preferred fellatio with me to the
normal with a physical girl, while many have said whether the latter or
a fairie was indifferent. Up to my early thirties, they always regarded
me as a girl and used the feminine pronoun.
My original and fundamental method was active fellatio, the identical
act of an infant ad matrem, quoad fuit emissio in comite, who would lie
absolutely inactive. Time from a second to over an hour. Average time,
about five minutes. In a very few, there was no result. If it had not
been for the extreme weakening effect I would have been glad to lie
inactive for an hour preceding and for another hour following, merely
cum membro virili in ore. Generally cruria involvebant corpus meum, and
I desired that premeret me cum iis aliquando. I would occasionally emit
infantile vocables; for example, half-sobbing, or the natural language
expressive of satisfaction and contentment. At other times I would
express my admiration in a rather babyish manner: “Big, big, fierce
fighter! Big, big desperado!” He would stroke my hair or face or pat me
on the back, and say, “Poor baby!” “My cry-baby!” “Pet!” etc.
[Sidenote: _Fellatio Patiendi._]
All other methods were taught me, for example, passive fellatio, which
occurred at least as often as active because my companion preferred it,
while I preferred the active. In the passive, I was completely so, and
would often lie flat on my back. He would conduct himself the same as in
normal coitus, often cum manibus conjunctis post caput meum, quoad
habuit emissionem. During this action on the part of the majority, I
suffered the greatest physical discomfort and saepe strangulatus sum.
Dorsum oris has been often rendered sore, and the uvula was elongated,
necessitating truncation because the elongation caused a chronic cough.
I know of another invert who had to undergo the same operation. But I
counted it happiness to suffer thus and endure pain when inflicted by a
strong, brave, and rough young blood.
I say to readers who judge me to be horribly depraved for submitting to
such usage: Nature created me puellam sine vagina, and then drew me
toward the sturdy sex as few of the gentle sex are drawn. In such a
case, what is more natural than to use the next best foramen?
Furthermore, instinct pointed out the makeshift. It came just as natural
for me utor ore as for physical women to use what Nature has provided
them. In general, all through my life, whenever I have encountered virum
who appeared to me as exceptionally beautiful, a strong desire has
immediately arisen membrum virile in ore recipere. There are inverts
guilty of such practices who in all other respects are exemplars of the
highest morality. They even sometimes occupy the highest social station.
They are blameless, and simply to be pitied.
[Sidenote: _Nature of the Satisfaction._]
Sometimes there was an alternation between the two methods, or both were
adopted simultaneously. In the active, I did not have a fixed purpose
inducendi ejaculationem in comite, neque desideravi semen. It was the
mere act sugere that was my objective, and that gave me a sense of
restful satisfaction. Nevertheless I practically semper devorabam. For
days afterward it was a pleasure to reflect that what had once been the
substance amatissimi was now my substance, and that the particles of
matter that were once carried along in his veins, now floated in mine.
In many cases I yearned to become the mother of his child, and often
playfully spoke with an associate as if I had. Sometimes on meeting a
young mother with her infant in her arms, I have wished to be in her
place.
While lying cum membro virili in ore, I often feigned sleep,
experiencing a sort of blissful dreaming, realizing that I was for a
short season physically united to my mental and physical complement and
opposite from whom fate and necessity separated me most of the time.
[Sidenote: _Fellatio Not Rare._]
Even before castration, rarely expertus sum ejaculationem. During my
fairie apprenticeship, however, it occurred about once in ten
fellationes. But it was accompanied by such horrible feelings and
thoughts that I used my will power to prevent it. This probably made it
become less and less common during coitus, although from the age of
sixteen until I was castrated at the age of twenty-eight, it averaged
twice a week during sleep. When it occurred during coitus, I wanted
everything to stop immediately, and felt like never again indulging
therein. From the age of nineteen on, however, it was not quite so
terrible as in my early teens. Pædicatio nunquam induxit ejaculationem
in me, and under force, not even an orgasm.
Fellatio appears to be deeply rooted in the constitution of man and of
the mammals in general, although usually coming to the surface only in
exceptional individuals or under exceptional circumstances. It has been
witnessed between dogs on the street and between monkeys in zoos. Guinea
sows, when the boar is disinclined to coitus, repeatedly resort to a
sort of fellatio, which appears to give the boar pleasure. Fellatio is
common in the underworld between the two sexes. In a 1915 issue of the
_Alienist and Neurologist_, a writer maintained that fellatio is common
among ordinary respectable married pairs.
My peculiar instinct was the occasion recipiendi in stomachum in tantum
novem portiones liquoris vitæ in one evening. There was never any tonic
or other beneficial effect. The apparent effect is an immediate
disagreeable stimulation, followed the next day by a serious mental and
physical collapse. This depression was, however, not specially serious
during my first two or three years of promiscuity. Possibly later my
constitution had become somewhat undermined and coitus therefore became
more fatiguing. The collapse was particularly severe after I was
castrated at the age of twenty-eight. Cultured inverts of strong
passions realize the detriment to their health from coitus, yet they
feel that it is the _summum bonum_ for which everything else should be
sacrificed. My own fascination for the rough and wild-natured was so
great that for a decade I could not let slip a single opportunity.
[Sidenote: _Liquor Vitæ as Medicament._]
Sometimes for several days following fellatio, I would suffer from a
slight fever and all my organs and muscles would seem to be used up, as
if I was just about to expire from exhaustion. I would be very
irritable, and nothing seemed to go as it should. My brain was
particularly affected, and during the latter half of my open career as a
fairie, I would be incapable of doing good mental work for two or three
days following an indulgence. My judgment and critical faculties were
clouded, and I could do only such work as was mechanical in its nature.
Providence endowed me with powers of mind such as are met with in
approximately one alone out of two score university graduates. In life I
have achieved about the average success of a university graduate. I have
every reason to believe that if it had not been for my suffering for
twelve years from acute spermatorrhea, and if I had been able to abstain
wholly from coitus, I would have reached the front rank among university
men. I therefore exhort young intellectual inverts to be continent as
far as possible. For every indulgence, a heavy penalty must be paid in
diminished efficiency. For each minute of bodily contact with a
counterpart that I have enjoyed, I have had to pay one hour of resultant
serious suffering, physical or mental.
[Sidenote: Author’s Chronic Hyperæsthesia.]
My mind and body have, however, always been hypersensitive to all
stimuli and impressions. A few swallows of tea or coffee after one P. M.
would make me lie awake half the night. A slightly tainted article of
food which would have no effect on most people would prostrate me
mentally and physically for hours afterward. A business worry would
cause me to lie awake for hours. When spending the night in bed with one
to whom I was attracted, I generally lay awake the whole night, and for
this reason, I usually sought a separate place to sleep in.
But all these bad effects following fellatio I have sometimes fancied
might be due rather to the mere presence of membri virilis in ore and in
juxtaposition to the brain. The debilitating effects of coitus inter
femora or of pædicatio were not one-quarter as marked as those of
fellatio. Moreover, perhaps the ill effects of departures from the
entirely normal form of coitus are roughly proportional to the extent of
departure. Fellatio is further removed from normal coitus than inter
femora or pædicatio. On a few occasions, as an experiment, exspui semen,
but it seemed to make no difference in the aftereffects. Quite probably
the bad effects were due to a relapse after intense nervous excitement,
which in my case always accompanied fellatio, but not pædicatio, which
latter I never sought. Or it might have been largely due to my habitual
inhibition of the ejaculatory center. I now believe that I made a
mistake in respect to this inhibition, and that it is more healthful to
experience the ejaculation than to check it by force of will.
[Sidenote: _Alleviating Ill Effects—Inter Femora._]
Not until I reached the age of thirty-nine did I, by chance, discover a
means to alleviate decidedly the exhausting effects of fellatio. I had
used potassium iodide extensively in tablet form dissolved in water for
syphilis. I discovered it to be for me an excellent sedative and
soporific, and occasionally used it to secure this effect alone. I
further discovered that fifteen to twenty grains taken at night after
fellatio almost entirely forestalled the exhaustion otherwise
supervening on the following days. Experience further taught me at about
the age of thirty-nine that the supervening exhaustion was in large
measure forestalled by eating a light lunch several minutes before
fellatio, and a hearty meal as soon afterwards as possible. Fellatio
occurring just before rising in the morning was found to induce far less
fatigue than when occurring in the evening, or at night just before
going to sleep.