We dined together, and then walked. I cannot record Maria's
conversation, for her force now waned, and I should have had to
entertain myself but for the unutterable entertainment at all times to
me of a walk. She bought enough paper to score a whole opera had she
been so disposed; and her preparations rather scared me on her
account. For me, I returned to Cecilia to inform our powers why I
should absent myself, and where remain; and when I came back with
"books and work" of my own, she was very quietly awaiting me for
supper, certainly not making attempts, either dread or ecstatic, at
present. I was, indeed, anxious that if she accomplished her
intentions at all, it should be in the vacation, as she studied so
ardently at every other time; and it was this anxiety that induced me
to leave her alone the next day and every morning of that week. I knew
nothing of what she did meanwhile, and as I returned to Cecilia every
night for sleep, I left her ever early, and heard not a note of her
progress; whether she made any or not remaining at present a secret.
We reassembled in February. At our first meeting, which was a very
festive banquet, our nominal head and the leading professors gave us
an intimation that the examinations would extend for a month, and
would begin in May, when the results would be communicated to the
Chevalier Seraphael, who would be amongst us again at that time, and
distribute the prizes after his own device, also confer the
certificates upon those who were about to leave the school. I was not,
of course, in this number, as the usual term of probation was three
years in any specific department, and six for the academical
course,--the latter had been advised for me by Davy, and acceded to by
my mother. I gave up at present nearly my whole time to mastering the
mere mechanism of my instrument, and had no notion of trying for any
prize at all. I believe those of my contemporaries who aspired thus
were very few at all, and Marc Iskar being among them had the effect
upon me of quenching the slight fever of a desire I might have had so
to distinguish myself. It struck me that Maria should try for the
reward of successful composition; but she was so hurt, and looked so
white when I alluded to it, that it was only once I did so. As to her
proceedings, whatever they were, the most perfect calm pervaded them,
and also her. I scarcely now heard her voice in speech; though it was
spoken aloud by Spoda, and no longer whispered, that she would very
soon be fit for the next initiation into a stage career, or its
attendant and inductive mysteries. One evening I went to see her
expressly to ascertain whether she would really leave us, and I asked
her also about her intentions.
"Carl," she said, "I wish I had any. I don't really care what they do
with me, though I wish to be able to marry as soon as possible. I
believe I am to study under Mademoiselle Venelli at Berlin when I
leave Cecilia. She teaches declamation and that style."
"Maria, you are very cool about it. I suppose you don't mind a bit
about going."
"I should break my heart about it if I did not know I must go one day,
and that the sooner I go the sooner I shall return,--to all I want,
at least. But I have it not in my power to say I will do this, or will
not have that, as it is my brother who educates me, and to whom I am
indebted."
"If you go, Maria, I shall not see you for years and years."
"You will not mind that after a little time."
"Maria, I have never loved to talk to any one so well."
"If that is the only reason you are sorry, I am very glad I go."
She smiled as she spoke, but not a happy smile. I could see she was
very sad, and, as it were, at a distance from her usual self.
"Maria, you have not told me one word about the symphony."
"You did not ask me."
"Were you so proud, then? As if I was not dying to see it, to hear it;
for, Maria, don't tell me you would be contented without its being
heard."
"I am not contented at all, Carl. I am often
discontented,--particularly now."
"About Anastase? Does not Anastase approve of your writing?"
"He knows nothing of it. I would not tell him for a world; nor, Carl,
would you."
"I don't know. I would tell him if it would do you any good, even
though you disliked me to do so."
"Thanks; but it would do me no good. Florimond is poor: he could not
collect an orchestra; and proud: he would not like me to be laughed
at."
"Then what is it, Maria?"
"Carl, you know I am not vain."
I laughed, but answered nothing; it was too absurd a position.
"Well, I am dying of thirst to hear my first movement, which is
written, and which is that sight to my eyes that my ears desire it to
the full as much as they. The second still lingers,--it will not be
invoked. I could, if I could calculate the effect of the first,
produce a second equal to it, I know. But as it is yet in my brain, it
will not give place to another."
"You have tried it upon the piano,--try it for me."
"No, I cannot, Carl. It is nothing thus; and, strange to say, though I
have written it, I cannot play it."
"I can believe that."
"But no one else would, Carl; and therefore it must be folly for me to
have undertaken this writing,--for we are both children, and I suppose
must remain so, after all."
It struck me that the melancholy which poured that pale mask upon her
face was both natural and not unnecessary,--I even delighted in it;
for a thought, almost an idea, flashed straight across my brain, and
lighted up the future, that was still to remain my own, although that
dazzle was withdrawn. I knew what to do now, though I trembled lest I
should not find the way to do it.
"So, Maria, you are not going to finish it just now. Suppose you lend
it to me for a little. I should like to examine it, and it will do me
good."
"Carl, it is not sufficiently scientific to do you good, but I wish
you would take it away, for if I keep it with me, I shall destroy it;
and I shall like it to remain until some day, when God has taught me
more than in myself I know, or than I can learn of men."
"I will take the greatest care of it, Maria," I said, almost fearing
it to be a freak on her part that she suffered my possession, or that
she might withdraw it. "You will ask me for it when you want it; and,
Maria, I have heard it said that it is a good thing to let your
compositions lie by, and come to them with a fresh impression."
"That is exactly what I think. You see with me, Carl, that all which
has to do with music is not music now."
"I think that there is less of the world in music than in anything
else, even in poetry, Maria. But, of course, music must itself fall
short of our ideas of it; and I daresay you found that your beautiful
feelings would not change themselves into music exactly as beautiful
as they were. I know very little music yet, Maria, but I never found
_any_ that did not disappoint my feeling about it when I was hearing
it, except the Chevalier's."
"That is it, Carl. What am I to endeavor, after anything that he has
accomplished? But I feel that if I could not produce the very highest
musical work in the very highest style, I would not produce any, and
would rather die."
"I cannot understand that; I would rather worship than be worshipped."
"I would not. I cannot tell why, but I have a feeling, which will not
let me be content with proving what has gone before me. Dearly as I
love Florimond, he could not put this feeling out of me. I am not
content to be an actress. There have been actresses who were queens,
and some few angels. I know my heart is pure in its desires, and I
should have no objection to reign. But it must be over a new kingdom.
No woman has ever yet composed."
"Oh, yes, Maria!"
"I say no to you, Carl,--not as I mean. I mean no woman has been
supreme among men, as the Chevalier among musicians. I have often
wondered why. And I feel--at least, I did feel--that I could be so,
and do this. But I feel it no longer,--it has passed. Carl, I am very
miserable and cast down."
I could easily believe it, but I was too young to trust to my own
decision. Had Clara been speaking, I should have implicitly relied,
for she always knew herself. But Maria was so wayward, so fitful, and
of late so peculiar that I dared not entertain that confidence in her
genius which was yet the strongest presentiment that had ever taken
hold upon me. I carried away the score, which I had folded up while
she had spoken; and I shall never forget the half-forlorn,
half-wistful look with which she followed it in my arms as I left her.
But I dared not stay, for fear she should change her mind; and
although I would fain have entered into her heart to comfort her, I
could not even try. I was in a breathless state to see that score, but
not much came to my examination. The sheets were exquisitely written,
the manner of Seraphael being exactly imitated, or naturally
identical,--the very noting of a fac-simile, as well as the autograph.
It was styled, "First Symphony," and the key was F minor. But the
composition was so full and close as to swamp completely my childish
criticism. I thought it appeared all right, and very, very wonderful;
but that was all. I wrapped it in one of my best silk handkerchiefs,
to keep it from the dust, and laid it away in my box, together with my
other treasures from home, which ever reposed there; and then I
returned to my work, but certainly more melancholy than I had ever
remembered myself in life.
In March, one day, Maria stayed from school; but her brother Joseph
brought me from her a message. She was indisposed, or said to be so,
and begged me to go and see her. There was no difficulty in doing so,
but I was surprised that Anastase should not be with her, or at least
that he should appear, as he did, so unconcerned. When I expressed my
regret to Joseph Cerinthia, he added that she was only in bed for a
cold. I was both pleased and flattered that she had sent for me, but
still could not comprehend it, as she was so little ill. I ran down,
after the morning, intending to dine with her, or not, I did not care
which. But instead of her being in bed, she was in the parlor.
"I thought, Maria, you were not up."
"I was not; and now I am not dressed. Carl, I sent for you to ask for
the manuscript again."
I looked at her to see whether she meant her request, for it was by no
means easy to say. She looked very brilliant, but had an unusual
darkness round her eyes,--a wide ring of the deepest violet. She
either had wept forth that shadow, or was in a peculiar state. Neither
tears nor smiles were upon her face, and her lips burned with a living
scarlet,--no rose-soft red, as wont. Her hair, fastened under her cap
in long bands, fell here and there, and seemed to have no strength.
She had been drinking _eau sucrée_, for a glass of it was upon the
table, and a few fresh flowers, which she hastened to put away from
her as I entered. I was so much affected by her looks, though no fear
seized me, that I took her hand. It was dry and warm, but very weak
and tremulous.
"Maria, you were at that garden last night, and danced. I knew how it
would be,--it was too early in the year."
"I was not at the Spielheim, for when Florimond said none of you were
going from Cecilia, I declined. But no dancing would have made me ill
as I have been; it was nothing to care for, and is now past."
"Was it cold, then? It seems more like fever."
"It was neither, or perhaps a little of both. Let me have my score
again, Carl. I need only ask for it, you know, as it is mine."
"You need not be so proud, Maria. I shall of course return it, but not
unless you promise me to do no more to it just now."
"Not _just_ now. But I made believe to be ill on purpose that I might
have a day's leisure. I must also copy it out."
"Maria, you never made believe, for if you _could_ tell a lie, it
would not be for yourself. You _have_ been ill, and I suspect much
that I know how. If you will tell me, I will fetch the score,--that
is, if it is good for you to have it. But I would rather burn it than
that it should hurt you; and I tell you, it all depends upon that."
"I will tell you, Carl, and more, because it is over now, and cannot
happen again. I was lying in my bed, and heard the clock strike ten. I
thought also that I had heard it rain; so I got up and looked out.
There was no rain, but there were stars; and seeing them, my thoughts
grew bright,--bright as when I imagined that music; and being in the
same mood,--that is, quiet and yet excited, if you can believe in both
together,--I went to my writing. It was all there ready for me; and
Josephine, who always disturbs me, because she talks, was very fast
asleep. It may sound proud, Carlino, but I am certain the Chevalier
was with me,--that he stood behind my chair, and I could not look
round for fear of seeing him. He guided my hand; he thrust out my
ideas,--all grew clear; and I was not afraid, even of a ghost
companion."
"But the Chevalier is alive and well."
"And yet, I tell you, his ghost was with me. Well, Carl, I had written
until I could not see, for my lamp went out, and it was not yet light.
I suppose I then fell asleep, for I certainly had a vision."
"What was that, Maria?"
"Countless crowds, Carl, first, and then a most horrible whirl and
rush. Then a serene place, gray as morning before the sun, with great
golden organ-pipes, that shot up into and cut through the sky; for
although it was gray beneath, and I seemed to stand upon clouds, it
was all blue over me, and when I looked up, it seemed to return my
gaze. I heard a sound under me, like an orchestra, such as we have
often heard. But _above_, there was another music, and the golden
pipes quivered as if with its trembling; yet it was not the organ that
seemed to speak, and no instrument was there besides. This music did
not interfere with the music of the orchestra,--still playing
onwards,--but it swelled through and through it, and seemed to stretch
like a sky into the sky. Oh, Carl, that I could describe it to you! It
was like all we feel of music,--beyond all we hear, given to us in
hearing."
She paused. Now a light, quenched in thrilling tears, arose, and
glittered from her eyes. She looked overwrought, seraphic; for though
her hand, which I still held, was not changed or cold, her countenance
told unutterable wonder,--the terrors of the heavenliest enthusiasm, I
knew not how to account for.
"Maria, dear! I have had quite as strange dreams, and almost as sweet.
It was very natural, but you were very, very naughty all the same.
What did you do when you awoke?"
"I awoke I don't know how, Carl, nor when; but I resolved to give
into my symphony all that the dream had given me, and I wrote again.
This time I left off, though in a very odd manner. The clock struck
five, and all the people were in the streets. I was cold, which I had
forgotten, and my feet were quite as ice. I was about to turn a leaf
when I shivered and dropped my pen. But when I stooped down to find it
in the early twilight, which, I thought, would help me, I fell upon
the floor. My head was as if fire had burst into it, and a violent
pain came on, that drove me to my bed. I have had such a pain
before,--a little, but very much less; for I believed I could not bear
it. I did fall asleep too, for a long time, and never heard a sound;
and when I arose, I was as well as I need to be, or ever expect. But
as I don't wish to be ill again, I must finish the symphony at once."
"So you think I shall allow it? No, Maria, it is out of the question;
but I will fetch a doctor for you."
"Carl, you are a baby. I have seen a doctor in Paris for this very
pain. He can do nothing for it, and says it is constitutional, and
that I shall always be subject to it. Everybody has something they are
subject to,--Florimond has the gout."
I laughed,--glad to have anything at all to laugh at.
"I am really well now, Carl,--have had a warm bath, and leeches upon
my temples; everything. The woman here has waited upon me, and has
been very kind; and now I have sent her away, for I do hate to seem
ill and be thought ill."
"Leeches, Maria?"
"Oh, that is nothing! I put them on whenever I choose. Did you never
have them on, Carl?"
"No, never. I had a blister for the measles, because I could not bear
to think about leeches. I did not know people put them on for the
headache."
"I always do, and so does everybody for such headaches as mine. But
they have taken away the pain, and that is all I care for. They are
little cold creepers, though; and I was glad to pull them off."
"Show me the marks, Maria."
She lifted her beautiful soft hair. Those cruel little notches were
some hieroglyph to me of unknown suffering that her face expressed,
though I was too young, and far too ignorant, to imagine of what kind
and import.
"I promise you, Maria, that if you attempt to write any more, I will
tell Anastase. Or no,--I have thought of something far more clever: I
will make off with the rest at once."
I had an idea of finding her sheets in her own room; and plunging into
it,--frightening Josephine, who was nursing her doll, into a remote
corner, I gathered all the papers, and folding them together, was
about to rush downstairs without returning to Maria, when she called
upon me so that I dared not help listening. For, "You dare not do it,
Carl!" she cried; "you will kill me, and I shall die now."
Agonized by her expression, which was not even girl-like, I halted for
an instant at her open door.
"Then, Maria, if I leave them here, on your honor, will you not touch
them or attempt to write?"
"It is not your affair, Carl, and I am angry."
She showed she was angry,--very pale, with two crimson spots, and she
bit her lip almost black.
"It _is_ my affair, as you told _me_, and not your brother or
Florimond. He or Florimond would not allow it, you know as well as I
do."
"They should and would. And, pray, why is it I am not to write? I
should say you were jealous, Carl, if you were not Carl. But you have
no right to forbid it, and shall not."
"I do not know how to express my fear, but I am afraid, and, Maria, I
will not let it be done."
Lest I should commit myself, I closed the door, stumbled down the dark
staircase, tore through the street, and deposited the sheets with the
others in the box. I am conscious these details are tedious and
oppressive; but they cannot be withheld, because of what I shall have
to touch upon.
Fearful were the consequences that descended upon my devoted head. I
little expected them, and suffered from them absurdly, child as I was,
and most witless at that time. Maria returned on the following day
week, and looking quite herself, except for those violet shades yet
lingering,--still not herself to me in any sense. She scarcely looked
at me, and did not speak to me at all when I managed to meet her.
Anastase alone seemed conscious that she had been ill. He appeared
unable to rid himself of the impression; for actually during my
lesson, when his custom was to eschew a conventionalism even as a
wrong note, he asked me what had been the matter with her. I told him
I believed a very awful headache, with fever, and that I considered
she had been very ill indeed. I saw his face cloud, though he made
reply all coolness, "You are mistaken, Auchester. It was a cold, which
always produces fever, and often pain." Thus we were all alike
deluded; thus was that motherless one hurried to her Father's house!
Meantime, silent as I kept myself on the subject of the symphony, it
held me day by day more firmly. I longed almost with suffering for the
season when I should emancipate myself from all my doubts.