I left her at her house and returned to Cecilia, feeling very lonely,
and as if I ought to be very miserable, but I could not continue it;
for I was, instead of recalling her words, in a mood to recall those
of Clara in our parting conversation. The same age as Maria, with no
less power in her heavenly maidenhood, she came upon me as if I had
seen them together, and watched the strange calm distance of those
unclouded eyes next the transparent fervors of Maria's soul,--that
soul in its self-betrayal so wildly beautiful, so undone with its own
emotion. Clara I remembered as one not to be approached or reached but
by fathoming her crystal intellect; and even then it appeared to me
that there was more passion in her enshrining stillness than in
anything but the music that claimed and owned her. But Maria had
seemed on fire as she had spoken, and even when she spoke not, she
passed into the very heart by sympathy abounding, summer-like. I
little thought how soon, in that respect, her change would come.
There was one, too, whom I saw not again until that change. Over this
leaf of my history I can only glance, for it would be as a sheet of
light unrelieved by any shade or pencilling; suffice it to say that
day by day, in morning's golden dream, at dream-like afternoon, I
studied and soared. I was--after the Chevalier had left, and the
excitement of his possible presence had ceased--blissfully happy
again, and in much the same state as when I lived with Aronach;
certainly I did not expand, as Maria might have said. The advent of
the Chevalier, which was as a king's visit, being delayed until the
spring, I had left off hoping he might appear any fine morning, and my
initiation--"by trance"--went on apace; I was utterly undisturbed.
At Christmas we had a concert,--a concert worthy of the name; and with
all the Christmas heartedness of Germany we dressed our beloved hall
with its evergreens and streamers. Besides, that overture, the "Mer de
Glace," which, even under an inferior conductor, would make its way,
was one of our interpretations; and it appeared to have some effect
upon the whole crew that was not very material, as nothing would do in
our after sledging party, but that all the instruments should be
carried also, and an attempt made to refrigerate the ice-movement over
again, by performing it in the frosty air, upon the frost-spelled
water. I was to have gone to England this year, as arranged; but the
old-fashioned frump, a very hard winter, had laid in great stores of
snow, with great raving winds, and my mother took fright at the idea
of my crossing the water,--besides, it was agreed that as Millicent
and Davy had seen me so lately, I could get on very well as I was
until June.
It was not such a disappointment as it should have been, for I knew
that Clara had gone to London, and that I could not have seen her. She
was making mysterious progress, according to Davy; but I could not get
out all I wanted, for I did not like to ask for it. There was
something, too, in my present mode of life exiling from all
excitement; and it is difficult for me to look back and believe it
anything but the dream of fiction,--still, that is not strange, for
fiction often strikes us as more real than fact.
I had a small letter from Starwood about this time.
"Dearest Carl," he wrote, as he always spoke to me, in English, "I
wish you could see the Chevalier now, how well he looks, and how he
enjoys this beautiful country. We have been to see all the pictures
and the palaces, and all the theatres; we have heard all the cathedral
services, and climbed over all the mountains,--for, Carl, we went also
to Switzerland; and when I saw the 'Mer de Glace,' I thought it was
like that music. _Now_ we are in a villa all marble, not white, but a
soft, pale-gray color, and there are orange-trees upon the grass. All
about are green hills, and behind them hills of blue, and the sky here
is like no other sky, for it is always the same, without clouds, and
yet as dark as our sky at night; but yet at the same time it is day,
and the sun is very clear. The moon and stars are big, but there is
something in the air that makes me always want to cry. It is
melancholy, and a very quiet country,--it seems quite dead after
Germany; but then we do live away from the towns.
"The Chevalier is writing continually, except when he is out, and the
Herr Aronach is very good,--does not notice me much, which I like. His
whole thoughts are upon the Chevalier, I think, and no wonder. Carl, I
am getting on fast with my studies, am learning Italian," etc. There
was more in the little letter; but from such a babe I could not expect
the information I wanted. Maria and her suite--as I always called her
brother Joseph and the little Josephine--had left Cecilia for
Christmas Day, which they were to spend with some acquaintance a few
leagues off, and a friend, too, of Anastase, who, indeed, accompanied
them. On Christmas Eve I was quite alone; for though I had received
many invitations, I had accepted none, and I went over to the old
place where I had lived with Aronach, to see the illuminations in
every house. It was a chilly, elfin time to me; but I got through it,
and sang about the angels in the church next day.
To my miraculous astonishment Maria returned alone, long before
Josephine and her brother, and even without Anastase. He, it appeared,
had gone to Paris to hear a new opera, and also to play at several
places on the road. It was only five days after Christmas that she
came and fetched me from my own room, where I was shut in practising,
to her own home. When she appeared, rolled in furs, I was fain to
suppose her another than herself, produced by the oldest of all old
gentlemen for my edification, and I screamed aloud, for she had
entered without knocking, or I had not heard her. She would not speak
to me then and there, saving only to invite me, and on the road, which
was lightened over with snow, she scarcely spoke more; but arrived on
that floor I was so fond of, and screened by the winter hangings from
the air, while the soft warmth of the stove bade all idea of winter
make away, we sat down together upon the sofa to talk. I inquired why
she had returned so soon.
"Carl," she said, smoothing down her hair, and laying over my knees
the furry cloak, "I am altering very much, I think, or else I have
become a woman too suddenly. I don't care about these things any
longer."
"What things, Maria,--fur mantles, or hair so long that you can tread
upon it?"
"No, Carl. But I forget that I was not talking to you yesterday, nor
yet the day before, nor for many days; and I have been dreaming more
than ever since I saw you."
"What about?"
"Many unknown things,--chiefly how different everything is here from
what it ought to be. Carl, I used to love Christmas and Easter and St.
John's Day; now they are all like so many cast-off children's
pictures. I can have no imagination, I am afraid, or else it is all
drawn away somewhere else. Do you know, Carl, that I came away because
I could not bear to stay with those creatures after Florimond was
gone? Florimond is, like me, a dreamer too; and much as I used to
wonder at his melancholy, it is just now quite clear to me that
nothing else is worth while."
"Anastase melancholy? Well, so he is, except when he is playing; but
then I fancied that was because he is so abstracted, and so bound to
music hand and foot, as well as heart and soul."
"Very well, Carl, you are always right; but my melancholy, and such I
believe his to be, is exquisite pleasure,--too fine a joy to breathe
in, Carl. How people fume themselves about affairs that only last an
hour, and music and joy are forever."
"You have come back to music, Maria; if so, I am not sorry you went
away."
"I never left it, Carl, it left me; but now I know why,--it went to
heaven to bring me a gift out of its eternal treasure, and I believe I
have it. Carl, Carl! my fit of folly has served me in good stead."
"You mean what we talked about before you went, before the Chevalier
went also?"
"Yes, I meant what I said then; but I was very empty, and in an idle
frame. I thought the last spark of music had passed out of me; but
there has come a flame from it at last."
"What do you mean? And what has that to do with your coming back, and
with your being melancholy,--which I cannot believe quite, Maria?"
"Oh, Carl! I am very ignorant, and have read no books; but I am pretty
sure it is said somewhere that melancholy is but the shadow of too
much happiness, thrown by our own spirits upon the sunshine side of
life. I was in that queer mood when I went to Obertheil that if an
angel had walked out of the clouds I should not have taken the trouble
to watch him; Florimond was all and enough. So he is still. But
listen, Carl. On Christmas we were in the large room, before the
table, where the green moss glittered beneath the children's tree, and
there were children of all sizes gazing at the lights. They crowded so
together that Florimond, who was behind, and standing next me, said,
'Come, Maria, you have seen all this before: shall we go upstairs
together?' And we did go out silently, we were not even missed. We
went to the room which Florimond had hired, for it was only a friend's
house, and Florimond is as proud as some one who has not his light
hair. The little window was full of stars; we heard no sound as we
stood there except when the icicles fell from the roof. The window was
open too; but I felt no cold, for he held me in his arms, and I
sheltered him, and he me. We watched the stars so long that they began
to dance below before we spoke. Then Florimond said that the stars
often reminded him how little constancy there was in anything said or
done, for that they ever shone upon that which was forgotten. And I
replied it was well that they did so, for many things happened which
had better be forgotten, or something as unmeaning. He said, then, it
was on that account we held back from expressing, even remotely, what
we felt most. And I asked him whether it might not rather be that
music might maintain its privilege of expressing what it was forbidden
to pronounce or articulate otherwise. Then he suggested that it was
forbidden to an artist to exalt himself in his craft, as he is so fond
of saying, you know, except by means of it, when it asserts itself.
And then I demanded of him that he should make it assert itself; and
after I had tormented him a good while, he fetched out his violin and
played to me a song of the stars.
"And in that wilderness of tone I seemed to fall asleep and dream,--a
dream I have already begun to follow up, and _will_ fulfil. I have
heard it said, Carl, that sometimes great players who are no authors
have given ideas in their random moments to the greatest writers, that
these have reproduced at leisure,--I suppose much as a painter takes
notions from the colored clouds and verdant shadows; but I don't know.
Florimond, who is certainly no writer, has given me an idea for a new
musical poem, and what is more strange, I have half finished it, and
have the whole in my mind."
"Maria! have you actually been writing?" I sprang from the sofa quite
wild, though I merely foresaw some touching memento, in wordless
_Lied_ or _scherzo_ for one-voiced instrument, of a one-hearted theme.
"I have not written a note, Carl,--that remains to be done, and that
is why I came back so soon, to be undisturbed, and to learn of you;
for you know more about these things than I do,--for instance, how to
arrange a score."
"Maria, you are not going to write in score? If so, pray wait until
the Chevalier comes back."
"The Chevalier! as if I should ever plague him about my writing.
Besides, I am most particularly anxious to finish it before any one
knows it is begun."
"But, Maria, what will you do? I never heard of a woman writing in
score except for exercise; and how will you be pleased to hear it
never once?"
"Ah! we shall know about that when it is written."
"Maria, you look very evil,--evil as an elf; but you are pale enough
already. What if this work make you ill?"
"Nothing ever makes us ill that we like to do, only what we like to
have. I acknowledge, Carl, that it might make me ill if this symphony
were to be rehearsed, with a full band, before the Chevalier. But as
nothing of that kind can happen, I shall take my own way."
"A symphony, Maria? The Chevalier says that the symphony is the
highest style of music, and that none can even attempt it but the most
formed, as well as naturally framed musicians."
"I should think I knew that; but it is not in me to attempt any but
the highest effect. I would rather fail there than succeed in an
inferior. The structure of the symphony is quite clear to my
brain,--it always has been so; for I believe I understand it
naturally, though I never knew why until now. Carl, a woman has never
yet dared anything of the kind, and if I wait a few years longer I
must give it up entirely. If I am married, my thoughts will not make
themselves ready, and now they haunt me."
"Maria, do _not_ write! Wait, at least, until Anastase returns, and
ask his own advice."
"Carl, I never knew you cold before,--what is it? As if Florimond
could advise me! Could I advise him how to improve his present method?
and why should I wait? I shall not expose myself; it is for myself
alone."
"Maria, this is the reason. You do look so fixed and strange, even
while you talk about it, that I think you will do yourself some
harm,--that is all; you did not use to look so."
"Am I so frightful, then, Carl?"
"You are too beautiful, Maria; but your eyes seem to have no sleep in
them."
"They have not had, and they will not have until I have completed this
task the angel set me."
"Oh, Maria! you are thinking of the Chevalier."
"I was not; I was thinking of St. Cecilia. If the Chevalier had
ordered me to make a symphony, I should to everlasting have remained
among the dunces."
I often, often lament, most sadly, that I am obliged to form her words
into a foreign mould, almost at times to fuse them with my own
expression; but the words about the angel were exactly her own, and I
have often remembered them bitterly.
"You will find it very hard to write without any prospect of
rehearsal, Maria."
"I can condense it, and so try it over; but I am certain of hearing it
in my head, and that is enough."
"You will not think so still when it is written. How did it first
occur to you?"
"In a moment, as I tell you, Carl, while the violin tones, hot as
stars that are cold in distance, were dropping into my heart. The
subjects rose in Alps before me. I both saw and heard them; there were
vistas of sound, but no torrents; it was all glacier-like,--death
enfolding life."
"What shall you call it, Maria?"
"No name, Carl. Perhaps I shall give it a name when it shall be really
finished; but if it is to be what I expect, no one would remember its
name on hearing it."
"Is it so beautiful, then, Maria?"
"To my fancy, _most_ beautiful, Carl."
"That is like the Chevalier."
"He has written, and knows what he has written; but I do not believe
he has ever felt such satisfaction in any work as I in this."
"I think in any one else it would be dreadfully presumptuous,--in you
it is ambitious, I believe; but I have no fear about your succeeding."
"Thank you, Carl, nor I. Will you stay here with me and help me?"
"No, Maria, for you do not want help, and I should think no one could
write unless alone. But I will prevent any one else from coming."
"No one else will come; but if you care to stay here, Carl, I can
write in my room, and you, as you said you have set yourself certain
tasks, can work in this one. I am very selfish I am afraid, for I feel
pleasantly safe when you are near me. I think, Carl, you must have
been a Sunday-child."
"No, Maria; I was born upon a Friday, and my mother was in a great
fright. Shall you write this evening?"
"I must go out and buy some paper."