The season came, and I shall never forget its opening. It was late in
April,--exquisite weather, halcyon, blooming; my memory expands to it
now. From Italy he returned. He came upon us suddenly,--there was no
time to organize a procession, to marshal a welcome chorus; none knew
of his arrival until he appeared.
We had been rambling in the woods, Franz and I, and were lounging
homewards, laden with wild-flowers and lily bunches. Franz was a kind
creature to me now, and in my loneliness I sought him always. We
heard, even among the moss, a noise of distant shoutings,--nobody
shouted in that spot except our own,--and we hurried homewards. I was
quite faint with expectation, and being very weary, sat down to rest
on one of those seats that everywhere invite in shady places, while
Delemann sped onwards for information.
Returning, he announced most gleefully, "The Chevalier has arrived;
they are drawing the carriage up the hill." I am ashamed of what I
did. I could not return to Cecilia; I wandered about in the village,
possessed by a vague aspiration that I should see him there, or that
he would espy me: no such thing.
I came back to supper excited, expectant; he was gone. I deserved it,
and felt I did, for my cowardice; but at the end of supper the head of
the central table, having waited until then, deliberately took from
his deep pocket and presented me with a note, a very tiny note, that
was none the fresher for having lain an hour or two amidst snuff and
"tabac." But this noteling almost set me raving. It was short indeed,
yet honey sweet.
I am not to find thee here, my Carl, although I came on
purpose. Art not thou still my eldest child? Come to me,
then, to-morrow, it will be thy Sunday, and thy room shall
be ready; also two little friends of thine,--I and he. Do
not forget me.
Thine,
SERAPHAEL.
He had made every arrangement for my visit, and I never think of his
kindness in these particulars without being reminded that in
proportion to the power of his genius was it ever beneficently gentle.
I spent such an afternoon as would have been cheaply purchased by a
whole life of solitude; but I must only advert to one circumstance
that distinguished it.
We were walking upon the lovely terrace amongst bright marbles just
arranged, and dazzling flowers; he was gentle, genial, animated,--I
felt my time was come. I therefore taught myself to say: "Sir, I have
a very, most particular favor to ask of you; it is that you will
condescend to give me your opinion of a piece of music which some one
has written. I have brought it with me on purpose,--may I fetch it? It
is in my hat in the house."
"By all means, this very moment, Carlomein,--or, no, rather we will go
in-doors together and examine it quietly. It is thine own, of course?"
"Oh, no, sir! I should have said so directly. It is a young lady's,
and she knows nothing of my bringing it. I stole it from her."
"Ah! true," he replied, simply; and led me to that beautiful
music-room. I was fain to realize Maria's dream as I beheld those
radiant organ-pipes beneath their glorious arch, that deep-wooded
pianoforte, with its keys, milk-white and satin-soft, recalling me but
to that which was lovelier than her very vision,--the lustrous
presence pervading that luxury of artistic life. Seraphael was more
innocent, more brilliant in behavior at his home than anywhere; the
noble spaces and exquisitely appointed rooms seemed to affect him
merely as secluded warmth affects an exotic flower; he expanded more
fully, fragrantly, in the rich repose.
At the cedar writing-table he paused, and stood waiting silently while
I fetched the score. As I unfolded it before him I was even more
astonished than ever at the perfection of its appearance; I hesitated
not the least to place it in those most delicate of all delicate
hands. I saw his eyes, that seemed to have drawn into them the very
violet of the Italian heaven, so dark they gleamed through the
down-let lashes, fasten themselves eagerly for an instant upon the
title-sheet, where, after his own fashion, Maria had written her
ancient name, "Cerinthia," only, in the corner; but then he laid the
score, having opened the first page, upon the table, and knelt down
before it, plunging his fingers into the splendid curls of his regal
head, his very brow being buried in their shadow as he bent, bowed,
leaned into the page, and page after page until the end.
With restless rapidity his hand flashed back the leaves, his eye drank
the spirit of those signs; but he spoke not, stirred not. It seemed to
me that I must not watch him, as I was doing most decidedly, and I
disentangled myself from that revery with a shock.
I walked to the carved music-stands, the painted music-cases. I
examined the costly manuscripts and olden tomes arrayed on polished
cabinets. I blinded myself with the sunshine streaming through stained
compartments in the windows to the carnation-toned velvet of the
furniture. I peered into the pianoforte, and yearned for it to awaken;
and rested long and rapturously before a mighty marble likeness of the
self-crowned Beethoven. It was garlanded with grapes and vine-leaves
that fondled the wild locks in gracefullest fraternity; it was mounted
upon a pedestal of granite, where also the alabaster fruits and
tendrils clustered, clasping it like frozen summer, and beneath the
bust the own investment glittered,--"Tonkunst's Bacchus."[6] It was no
longer difficult to pass away the time without being troublesome to
myself or Seraphael. I was lost in a triumphant reminiscence that the
stormy brow, the eyes of lightning, the torn heart, the weary soul,
were now heaven's light, heaven's love, its calm, its gladness. For
quite an hour I stood there, so remembering and desiring ever to
remember. And then that sweet, that living voice aroused me. Without
looking up, he said,--
"Do you mean to say, Carlomein, that she has had no help here?"
"Sir, she could have had none; it was all and entirely her own. No one
knew she had written except myself."
Then in his clearest tones he answered: "It is as I expected. It is
terrible, Carlomein, to think that this work might have perished; and
I embrace thee, Carlomein, for having secured to me its possession."
"Is it so very good then, sir? Maria was very ignorant about it, and
could not even play it for herself."
"I daresay not, she has made too full a score." He smiled his sweetest
smile. "But for all that, we will not strike out one note. Why is it
not finished, Carlomein?"
I might have related the whole story from beginning to end; but his
manner was very regal just now, and I merely said: "I rather think she
was dissatisfied with the first two movements, for although she said
she could finish it, she did not, and I have kept it some time."
"You should have written to me, Carlomein, or sent it to me; it must
and shall be finished. The work is of Heaven's own. What earthly
inspiration could have taught her strains like these? They are of a
priestess and a prophetess; she has soared beyond us all."
He arose suddenly; a fixed glow was upon his face, his eyes were one
solemn glory. He came to the piano, he pushed me gently aside, he took
his seat noiselessly, as he began to play. I would not retire. I stood
where I could both see and hear. It was the second movement that first
arrested him. He gave to the white-faced keys a hundred voices. Tone
upon tone was built; the chords grew larger and larger; no other hand
could have so elicited the force, the burden, the breadth of the
orchestral medium, from those faint notes and few. His articulating
finger supplied all needs of mechanism. He doubled and redoubled his
power.
Never shall I forget it,--the measures so long and lingering, the
modulations so like his own, the very subject moulded from the chosen
key, like sculpture of the most perfect chiselling from a block of the
softest grain,--so appropriate, so masterly. But what pained me
through the loveliness of the conception was to realize the mood
suggesting it,--a plaint of spiritual suffering, a hungering and
thirsting heart, a plea of exhausted sadness.
He felt it too; for as the weary, yet unreproachful strain fell from
under his music-burdened fingers, he drooped his glorious head as a
lily in the drenching rain, his lips grew grave, the ecstatic smile
was lost, and in his eyes there was a dim expression, though they
melted not to tears. I was sure that Maria had conserved her dream,
for a strange, intermittent accompaniment streamed through the loftier
appeal, and was as a golden mist over too much piercing brightness.
The movement was very long, and he never spoke all through it, neither
when he had played as far as she had written; but turned back to the
first, as yet untried.
Again was I forcibly reminded of what I had said on my first
acquaintance with her; she had, without servile intention, caught the
very spirit of Seraphael as it wandered through his compositions, and
imprisoned it in the sympathy of her own. It was as two flowers whose
form is single and the same, but the hues were of different
distribution, and still his own supreme. I cannot describe the first
movement further. I was too young to be astonished, carried away by
the miracle of its consummation under such peculiar circumstances; but
I can remember how completely I felt I might always trust myself in
future when any one should gain such ascendency over my
convictions,--which, by the way, never happened.
I must not dwell upon that evening,--suffice it to say that I left the
score with the Chevalier; and though he did not tell me so in so many
words, I felt sure he himself would restore it to the writer.
On Monday evening I was very expectant, and not in vain, for she sent
me a note of invitation,--an attention I had not received from her
since my rebellious behavior. She was alone, and even now writing. She
arose hastily, and for some moments could not command her voice; she
said what I shall not repeat, except that she was too generous as
regarded her late distance, and then she explained what follows.
"The Chevalier came this morning, and, Carl, I could only send for you
because it is you who have done it all for me, in spite of my
ingratitude; and, alas! I never can repay you. I feel, Carl, now, that
it is better not to have all one wishes for at once; if I had not
waited, the shock would have killed me."
I looked at her, tried to make out to my sight that she did not, even
now, look as if ready to die; her lips had lost their fever rose, and
were pale as the violets that strewed her eyes. The faint blue threads
of veins on the backs of her hands, the thin polish of those temples
standing clear from her darkest hair,--these things burned upon my
brain and gave me a sickening thrill. I felt, "Can Anastase have seen
her? Can he have known this?"
I was most of all alarmed at what I myself had done; still, I was
altogether surprised at the renewal of my fears, for on the Saturday
she had not only seemed, but been herself,--her cheeks, her lips, her
brow, all wearing the old healthful radiance.
"Maria," I exclaimed, "dear Maria, will you tell me why this symphony
makes you ill, or look so ill? You were quite well on Saturday, I
thought, or you may quite believe I should never have done what I
did."
"Do I look ill, Carl? I do not feel ill, only desperately excited. I
have no headache, and, what is better, no heart-pain now. Do you know
what is to be? I tell you, because you will rejoice that you have done
it. This work is to be finished and to be heard. An orchestra will
return my dream to God."
"Ah! your dream, Maria,--I thought of that. But shall _I_ hear it,
Maria?"
"You will play for me, Carl,--and Florimond. Oh! I must not remember
that. And the Chevalier, Carl,--he even entreated, the proud soul, the
divinely missioned, entreated me to perpetuate the work. I can write
now without fear; he has made me free. I feared myself before; now I
only fear him."
"Maria, what of Anastase? Does he know, and what does he think?"
"Do not ask me, Carl, for I cannot tell you what he did. He was
foolish, and so was I; but it was for joy on both our parts."
"You cried then! There is nothing to be ashamed of."
"We ought to have restrained ourselves when the Chevalier was by. He
must love Florimond now, for he fetched him himself, and told him what
I had done, and was still to do."
It is well for us that time does not stay,--not grievous, but a
gladsome thought that all we most dread is carried beyond our reach by
its force, and that all we love and long to cherish is but taken that
it may remain, beyond us, to ripen in eternity until we too ripen to
enjoy it. Still, there is a pain, wholly untinctured with pleasure, in
recalling certain of its shocks, re-living them, returning upon them
with memory.
The most glorious of our days, however, strike us with as troubled a
reminiscence, so that we ought not to complain, nor to desire other
than that the past should rest, as it does, and as alone the dead
beside repose,--in hope. I have brought myself to the recollection of
certain passages in my youth's history simply because there is nothing
more precious than the sympathy, so rare, of circumstance with
passion; nothing so difficult to describe, yet that we so long to
win.
It is seldom that what happens as chance we would have left unchanged,
could we have passed sentence of our will upon it; but still more
unwonted is it to feel, after a lapse of eventful times, that what
_has_ happened was not only the best, but the only thing to happen,
all things considered that have intervened. This I feel now about the
saddest lesson I learned in my exuberant boyhood,--a lesson I have
never forgotten, and can never desire to discharge from my life's
remembrance.
Everything prospered with us after the arrangement our friend and lord
had made for Maria. I can only say of my impressions that they were of
the utmost perfectibility of human wishes in their accomplishment, for
she had indeed nothing left to wish for.
I would fain delineate the singular and touching gratitude she evinced
towards Seraphael, but it did not distribute itself in words; I
believe she was altogether so much affected by his goodness that she
dared not dwell upon it. I saw her constantly between his return and
the approaching examinations; but our intercourse was still and
silent. I watched her glide from room to room at Cecilia, or found her
dark hair sweeping the score at home so calmly--she herself calmer
than the calmest,--calm as Anastase himself. Indeed, to him she
appeared to have transferred the whole impetuousness of her nature; he
was changed also, his kindness to myself warmer than it ever had been;
but from his brow oppressed, his air of agitation, I deemed him verily
most anxious for the result. Maria had not more than a month to work
upon the rest of the symphony and to complete it, as Seraphael had
resolutely resolved that it should be rehearsed before our summer
separation.
Maria I believe would not have listened to such an arrangement from
any other lips; and Florimond's dissatisfaction at a premature
publicity was such that the Chevalier--autocratic even in granting a
favor, which he must ever grant in his own way--had permitted the
following order to be observed in anticipation.
After our own morning performance by the pupils only and their
respective masters, the hall would be cleared, the audience and
members should disperse, and only the strictly required players for
the orchestra remain; Seraphael himself having chosen these. Maria was
herself to conduct the rehearsal, and those alone whose assistance she
would demand had received an intimation of the secret of her
authorship. I trembled when the concluding announcement was made to
me, for I had a feeling that she could not be kept too quiet; also,
Anastase, to my manifest appreciation, shared my fear. But Seraphael
was irresistible, especially as Maria had assented, had absorbed
herself in the contemplation of her intentions, even to eagerness,
that they should be achieved.
Our orchestra was, though small, brilliant, and in such perfect
training as I seldom experienced in England. Our own rehearsals were
concluded by the week before our concert, and there remained rather
less for me to do. Those few days I was inexpressibly wretched,--a
foreboding drowned my ecstatic hopes in dread; they became a constant
effort to maintain, though even everything still smiled around us.
The Tuesday was our concert morning, and on the Sunday that week I met
Maria as we came from church. She was sitting in the sunlight, upon
one of the graves. Josephine was not near her, nor her brother, only
Florimond, who was behind me, ran and joined her before I beheld that
she beckoned to me. I did hardly like to go forward as they were both
together, but he also made me approach by a very gentle smile. The
broad lime-trees shadowed the church, and the blossoms, unopened, hung
over them in ripest bud; it was one of those oppressively sweet
seasons that remind one--at least me--of the resurrection morning.
"Sit down by me, Carl," said Maria, who had taken off her gloves, and
was already playing with Florimond's fingers, as if she were quite
alone with him, though the churchyard was yet half filled with people.
"Maria," I said, sitting down at the foot of a cross that was hung
with faded garlands, "why don't you sit in the shade? It is a very
warm day."
"So it is very warm, and that is what I like; I am never warm enough
here, and Florimond, too, loves the sun. I could not sit under a tree
this day, everything is so bright; but nothing can be as bright as I
wish it. Carl, I was going to tell Florimond, and I will tell you,
that I feel as if I were too glad to bear what is before me. I did not
think so until it came so very near. I am afraid when I stand up my
heart will fail."
"Are you frightened, Maria?" I asked in my simplicity.
"That is not it, though I am also frightened. But I feel as if it were
scarcely the thing for me to do, to stand up and control those of whom
I am not master. Is it not so, Florimond?"
"Maria, the Chevalier is the only judge; and I am certain you will
not, as a woman, allow your feelings to get the better of you. I have
a great deal more to suffer on your account than you can possibly
feel."
"I do not see that."
"It is so, and should be seen by you. If your work should in any
respect fail, imagine what that failure would cost me."
I looked up in utter indignation, but was disarmed by the expression
of his countenance; a vague sadness possessed it, a certain air of
tender resignation; his hauteur had melted, though his manner retained
its distance.
"As if it could be a failure!" I exclaimed; "why, we already know how
much it is!"
"I do not, Auchester, and I am not unwilling to confess my ignorance.
If our symphony even prove worthy of our Cecilia, I shall still be
anxious."
"Why, Florimond?" she demanded, wistfully.
"On account of your health. You know what you promised me."
"Not to write for a year. That is easy to say."
"But not so easy to do. You make every point an extreme, Maria."
"I cannot think what you mean about my health."
"You cannot?"
She blushed lightly and frowned a shade. "I have told you, Florimond,
how often I have had that pain before."
"And you told me also what they said."
His tones were now so grave that I could not bear to conjecture their
significance. He went on.
"I do not consider, Maria, that for a person of genius it is any
hardship to be discouraged from too much effort, especially when the
effect will become enhanced by a matured experience."
"You are very unkind, Florimond."
Indeed, I thought so, too.
"I only care to please you."
"No, Maria, you had not a thought of me in writing."
"And yet you yourself gave me the first idea. But you are right; I
wrote without reference to any one, and because I burned to do so."
"And you burn less now for it? Tell me that."
"I do not burn any longer, I weary for it to be over; I desire to hear
it once, and then you may take it away, and I will never see it any
more."
"That is quite as unnatural as the excessive desire,--to have fatigued
of what you loved. But, Maria, I trust this weariness of yours will
not appear before the Chevalier, after all his pains and interest."
"I hope so too, Florimond; but I do not know."
It did not. The next day the Chevalier came over to Cecilia, and slept
that night in the village. The tremendous consequence of the next
twenty-four hours might almost have erased, as a rolling sea, all
identical remembrance; and, indeed, it has sufficed to leave behind it
what is as but a picture once discerned, and then forever
darkened,--the cool, early romance of the wreaths and garlands (for we
all rose at dawn to decorate the entrance, the corridors, the hall,
the reception-room), the masses of May-bloom and lilies that arrived
with the sun; the wild beauty overhanging everything; the mysterious
freshness I have mentioned, or some effects just so conceived, before.
I myself adorned with laurels and lilies the conductor's desk, and the
whole time as much in a dream as ever when asleep,--at all events I
could even realize less. Maria was not at hand, nor could I see her,
she breakfasted alone with Anastase; and although I shall never know
what happened between them that morning, I have ever rejoiced that she
did so.
When our floral arrangements were perfected I could not even criticise
them. I flew to my bed and sat down upon it, holding my violin, my
dearest, in my arms; there I rested, perhaps slept. Strange thoughts
were mine in that short time, which seemed immeasurably
lengthening,--most like dreams, too, those very thoughts, for they
were all rushing to a crisis. I recalled my cue, however, and what
that alarming peal of a drum meant, sounding through the avenues of
Cecilia.
As we ever cast off things behind, my passion could only hold upon the
future. I was but, with all my speed, just in time to fall into
procession with the rest. The chorus first singing, the band in the
midst, behind, our professors in order, and on either side our own
dark lines the female pupils,--a double streak of white. I have not
alluded to our examinations, with which, however, I had had little
enough to do. But we all pressed forward in contemporaneous state, and
so entered the antechamber of the hall. It was the most purely
brilliant scene I ever saw, prepared under the eye of the masters in
our universal absence; I could recognize but one taste, but one eye,
one hand, in that blending of all deep with all most dazzling
flower-tints.
One double garland, a harp in a circle,--the symbol of immortal
harmony,--wrought out of snowy roses and azure ribbons, hung exactly
above the table; but the table was itself covered with snowy damask,
fold upon fluted fold, so that nothing, whatever lay beneath it, could
be given to the gaze.
Through the antechamber to the decorated hall we passed, and then a
lapse of music half restored me to myself,--only half, despite the
overture of his, with choral relief, with intersong, that I had never
heard before, and that he had written only for us: despite his
presence, his conducting charm.
In little more than an hour we returned, pell-mell now, just as we
pleased, notwithstanding calls to order and the pulses of the
measuring voices. Just then I found myself by Maria. Through that
sea-like resonance she whispered,--
"Do not be surprised, Carl, if the Chevalier presents you with a
prize."
"I have not tried for one, Maria."
"I know that, but he will nevertheless distinguish you, I am certain
of it."
"I hope not. Keep near me, Maria."
"Yes, surely, if I can; but oh, Carl, I am glad to be near you! Is
that a lyre above the table? for I can scarcely see."
She was, as I expected, pale,--not paler than ever; for it was very
long since she had been paler than any one I ever saw, except the
Chevalier. But his was as the lustre of the whitest glowing
fire,--hers was as the light of snow. She was all pale except her
eyes, and that strange halo she had never lost shone dim as the
darkliest violets, a soft yet awful hue. I had replied to her question
hurriedly, "Yes; and it must have taken all the roses in his garden."
And last of all, she said to me, in a tone which suggested more
suffering than all her air: "I wish I were one of those roses."
The table, when the rich cover was removed, presented a spectacle of
fascination scarcely to be appreciated except by those immediately
affected. Masses of magnificently bound volumes, painted and carved
instrument-cases, busts and portraits of the hierarchy of music, lay
together in according contrast. For, as I have not yet mentioned, the
Chevalier had carried out his abolition of the badges to the utmost;
there was not a medal to be seen. But these prizes were beyond the
worth of any medal, each by each. One after another left the table in
those delicate hands, wafted to its fortunate possessor by a
compliment more delicate still, and I fancied no more remained.
Maria still stood near me; and as the moments flew, a stillness more
utter than I could have imagined pervaded her, a marbled quietness
crept over every muscle; and as I met her exquisite countenance in
profile, with the eyes downward and fixed, and not an eyelash
stirring, she might have been the victim of despair, or the genius of
enraptured hope.
I saw that the Chevalier had proceeded to toss over and over the
flowers which had strewn the gifts,--as if it were all, also, over
now,--and he so long continued to trifle with them that I felt as if
he saw Maria, and desired to attract from her all other eyes, for he
talked the whole time lightly, laughingly, with an air of the most
ravishing gayety, to those about him, and to every one except
ourselves.
In a few minutes, which appeared to be a very hour, he gathered up,
with a handful of flowers that he let slip through his fingers
directly, something which he retained in his hand, and which it now
struck me that he had concealed, whatever it was, by that flower-play
of his all along; for it was even diffidently, certainly with reserve
of some kind, that he approached us last, as we stood together and did
not stir.
"These," said he to me in a voice that just trembled, though aërially
joyous, "are too small to make speeches about; but in memory of
several secrets we have between us, I hope you will sometimes wear
them."
He then looked full at Maria; but she responded not even to that
electric force that is itself the touch of light,--her eyes still
downcast, her lips unmoved. He turned to me, and softly, seriously,
yet half surprised, as it were, shook his head, placing in her hand
the first of the unknown caskets he had brought, and the other in my
own. She took it without looking up, or even murmuring her thanks;
still, immediately as he returned to the table, I forced it from her,
feeling it might and ought to occasion a revulsion of sensation,
however slight.
It succeeded so far as that she gazed, still bending downwards, upon
what I held in my own hand now, and exhibited to her. It was a
full-blown rose of beaten silver, white as snow, without a leaf, but
exquisitely set upon a silver stem, and having upon one of its broad
petals a large dewdrop of the living diamond.
I opened my own strange treasure then, having resigned to her her own.
This was a breastpin of purest gold, with the head--a great violet cut
from a single amethyst--as perfectly executed as hers. I thrust it
into my pocket, for I could not at that instant even rejoice in its
possession. And now soon, very soon, the flower-lighted space was
cleared, and we, the chosen few, alone remained.
My heart felt as if it could only break, so violent was the pulse that
shook it. I knew that I must make an effort transcending all, or I
should lose my power to handle the bow; and at least I achieved
composure of behavior. Anastase, I can remember, came to me; he
touched my hand, and as if he longed, with all loosened passion, for
something like sympathy, looked into my very eyes. I could scarcely
endure that gaze,--it was inquisitive to scrutiny, yet dim with
unutterable forecast.
The flowers in the concert-hall were already withering when, after a
short separation for refreshment, we returned there, and were shut in
safely by the closed doors from the distant festal throng.
It was a strange sight, those deserted seats in front, where now none
rested saving only the Chevalier, who, after hovering amidst the
orchestra until all the ranks were filled, had descended, as was
arranged, into the void space, that he might be prepared to criticise
the performance. He did not seem much in the mood for criticism; his
countenance was lightening with excitement, his eyes burned like stars
brought near: that hectic fire, that tremulous blaze were both for
her.
As he retreated, and folding his slender arms and raising his glorious
head, still stood, Maria entered with Anastase. Florimond led her
forward in her white dress, as he had promised himself to lead her
captive on the day of her espousals; neither hurried nor abashed, she
came in her virgin calm, her virgin paleness. But as they stood for
one moment at the foot of the orchestra, he paused, arrested her, his
hand was raised; and in a moment, with a smile whose tenderness for
that moment triumphed, he had placed the silver rose in her dark hair,
where it glistened, an angelic symbol to the recognition of every one
present. She did not smile in return, nor raise her eyes, but mounted
instantly and stood amidst us.
I had no idea, until, indeed, she stood there, a girl amidst
us,--until she appeared in that light of which she herself was
light,--how very small she was, how slightly framed; every emotion was
articulated by the fragility of her form as she stirred so calmly,
silently. The bright afternoon from many windows poured upon the
polish of her forehead, so arched, so eminent; but, alas! upon the
languors also that had woven their awful mists around her eyes. Her
softly curling lips spoke nothing now but the language of sleep in
infancy, so gently parted, but not as in inspiration. As she raised
that arm so calmly, and the first movement came upon me, I could not
yet regard her, nor until a rest occurred. Then I saw her the same
again, except that her eyes were filled with tears, and over all her
face that there was a shadow playing as from some sweeping solemn
wing, like the imagery of summer leaves that trembles upon a moonlit
grass.
Only once I heard that music, but I do not remember it, nor can call
upon myself to describe it. I only know that while in the full
thrilling tide of that first movement I was not aware of playing, or
how I played, though very conscious of the weight upon my heart and
upon every instrument. Even Anastase, next whom I stood, was not
himself in playing. I cannot tell whether the conductress were herself
unsteady, but she unnerved us all, or something too near unnerved
us,--we were noiselessly preparing for that which was at hand.
At the close of the movement a rushing cadence of ultimate rapidity
broke from the stringed force, but the wind flowed in upon the final
chords; they waned, they expanded, and at the simultaneous pause she
also paused. Then strangely, suddenly, her arm fell powerless, her
paleness quickened to crimson, her brow grew warm with a bursting
blood-red blush,--she sank to the floor upon her side silently as in
the south wind a leaf just flutters and is at rest; nor was there a
sound through the stricken orchestra as Florimond raised her and
carried her from us in his arms.
None moved beside, except the Chevalier, who, with a gaze that was as
of one suddenly blinded, followed Anastase instantaneously. We
remained as we stood, in a suspense that I, for one, could never have
broken. Poor Florimond's violin lay shattered upon the floor, the
strings shivered, and yet shuddering; the rose lay also low. None
gathered either up, none stirred, nor any brought us word. I believe I
should never have moved again if Delemann, in his living kindness, had
not sped from us at last.
He, too, was long away,--long, long to return; nor did he, in
returning, re-enter the orchestra. He beckoned to me from the screen
of the antechamber. I met him amidst the glorious garlands, but I made
way to him I know not how. That room was deserted also, and all who
had been there had gone. Whither? Oh! where might they now remain?
Franz whispered to me, and of his few, sad words--half hope, half
fear, all anguish--I cannot repeat the echo. But it is sufficient for
all to remind myself how soon the hope had faded, after few, not many
days; how the fear passed with it, but not alone. Yet, whatever
passed, whatever faded, left us love forever,--love, with its dear
regrets, its infinite expectations!
FOOTNOTE:
[6] The Bacchus of Music.