The use of simple "exercises" in these retreats has been found to
be very helpful. What they do is to break up our stereotyped and
often rather sterile patterns of interaction when people get
together. They are simply devices designed to bring about _couple_
interaction--sometimes for all the couples in the group together,
sometimes for one couple at a time.
A good example is asking each couple to draw a picture of their
marriage. Paper and crayons are made available, and the couples scatter
about the room and work on their pictures. They may choose to do this
verbally (discussing the drawing together as they go along) or
non-verbally (working at it together in silence). When all have
finished, we come back to the circle of chairs, and each couple in turn
lays their picture on the floor and explains it to the group. This is an
activity the couples always seem to enjoy; and it enables us to learn a
good deal about each other. The leaders, of course, also draw their
picture, and display it with the others. We have accumulated quite a
collection!
One of our trainee couples introduced dancing. Lights are dimmed in the
room, a record is played, and all the couples dance, each couple
improvising whatever movements express their mood. They then sit round
and report on what the experiment meant to them.
Occasionally when we are faced with a controversial subject (for
example, "How far are you prepared to allow your partner to go in
friendships with the opposite sex?"), we might ask all the couples to
discuss this privately together for ten minutes, and then report to the
whole group what conclusions they have reached.
Another kind of exercise is what we call "dialogues." A volunteer couple
sit in the center on chairs or on the floor facing each other, and talk
back and forth on a subject chosen by the group but accepted by them.
Some topics have been "How do we deal with conflict in our marriage?";
"How do we overcome fears of intimacy?"; "What are our procedures in
decision-making?"; "How do we meet each other's dependency needs?" The
subject should of course focus on husband-wife interaction.
It is best for the interchange between the couple to be slow and
deliberate. Indeed, it is helpful for each to allow a period of silence
before replying to the other (learning to pause in this way is a very
helpful means of making husband-wife discussions more effective).
Sometimes two or three couples may volunteer; all sit in the center of
the circle (the "fishbowl," as it is sometimes called) and the dialogue
is taken up by each in turn. While the dialogue is going on, other
members of the group should not intervene or in any way act as an
"audience." The general discussion comes afterwards, and provides an
opportunity for others who identified with the couples in dialogue to
share what they felt.
An interesting variant is to ask if another couple will volunteer to sit
with the couple involved in dialogue, and to function as _alter egos_
(Latin for "other selves"). The _alter ego_ on each side listens
carefully to what is going on, and intervenes from time to time to
verbalize deeper levels of communication and interaction that are not
being expressed in words. Playing the _alter ego_ role requires some
insight and skill, but it is highly effective when well done.
Another exercise for individual couples is "positive interaction." A
very simple device, it is usually highly effective and often deeply
moving. For this reason we often make it the last activity on Saturday
evening. It can either be carried out by about three volunteer couples,
or all couples may agree to take turns. The couple sit facing each
other, holding hands, and are asked to tell each other, simply and
directly, what they specially like about each other, being as specific
as possible. Surprisingly, it turns out that very few couples have ever
done this before, and everyone finds it a heartwarming experience. We
think we have encountered here another taboo in our society--married
couples spend infinitely more time telling each other what they _don't_
like about each other than what they _do_ like. Most of us have a
strangely inhibited self-consciousness about spelling out in detail what
we mean by "I love you."
We generally conclude the retreat with a short session of perhaps half
an hour in which we share with each other new insights and the rewarding
experiences we have had together. This may appropriately be followed by
a Quaker meeting for worship.
These exercises are no more than illustrations. Leading couples are
inventing new ones all the time, and there seems to be no limit to their
ingenuity. The books by Herbert Otto and Gerald Smith, listed in the
bibliography, are full of good ideas.
In essence, these were the experiences in which we and our nine trainee
couples were involved during the crowded hours we spent together at
Pendle Hill. Before they took their departure, we enjoined them not to
try to repeat anything we had done unless they could do so entirely
naturally and comfortably. They would develop their own patterns of
leadership, and these would be more effective than anything we had
taught them.