Assembled again on Saturday morning, we begin by preparing our "rolling
agenda," as one of the trainee couples called it, in order to keep a
record of what the group members want to talk about. The aspects of
marriage they want to include for discussion before the weekend is over
gives us clues to the issues that are important to them. The list with
which one of our trainee couples started their retreat was:
What is the state of our marriage now? How have things changed
as our relationship has grown?
What are the memorable experiences in our lives that have
enriched our marriage?
What have we found to be the most effective ways of handling
conflict?
What do we feel about a depth relationship between one of us
and another person outside the marriage?
Have we found ways of sharing that have contributed to our
spiritual growth?
We ask the group members if they have any "concerns" explaining that if
members of the group feel unhappy, or anxious, or angry, about anything
that has happened, they have a duty to share their feelings with us all
otherwise the fellowship will be broken. Situations have occurred in
which someone had a concern that another member of the group also had
and neither was expressing.
As a group cannot function effectively without openness to each other on
the part of its members, neither can a marriage grow without the same
kind of openness between its partners. This is what every married couple
should be doing every day--raising issues that need to be discussed, and
being honest about disturbed or negative feelings.
There is a sequence of events that is typical of most retreats. Nearly
always, we begin with general discussion of some aspect of married life.
At this stage we are testing each other, so we take refuge in
generalizations. A common theme is the difficulties of raising children.
We can all commiserate with each other about the problems of the
generation gap for it is "safer" to talk about parenthood than about
marriage. If the talk _does_ focus on marriage, such topics as working
wives or overworked husbands or the sharing of household tasks can be
discussed without risk.
The group will move at its own pace from the superficial testing stage
to the deeper sharing. The leaders can facilitate this process, but it
isn't helpful if they try to hurry it. "Personalizing" the discussion by
using such questions as "Mary, did you raise that subject because it's
an issue between you and Tom?" or "I wonder if any couple could give us
an example from their own experience of what Harold has been talking
about?" is helpful.
Once a couple have shared some situation in their own relationship, one
of the leaders can ask "Did any of the rest of you identify with Peg and
Larry as they were talking?" This will help other couples to share
rather than discuss, and move the communication to a deeper level. A
phrase we often use is "making yourself vulnerable"--an act of trust by
sharing a problem about which the couple feels some embarrassment. The
group's response to this is invariably warm and supportive with an
effort to help by sharing similar problems which others have experienced
or are experiencing. Sometimes a major breakthrough is achieved when the
_leaders_ are willing to be vulnerable.
This process of deep sharing must not be seen as an orgy of humiliating
confessions. Not at all. The areas where the growth of a marriage is
blocked are almost always sensitive ones which we tend to keep hidden
because they make us feel inadequate or defeated. It may well be that a
way out is not really difficult to achieve, but as long as we are
avoiding the whole problem we are not likely to find a solution.
Bringing the issue out in the open, in the presence of other couples
eager to help because of similar problems may suddenly break the log-jam
and move the relationship along the path to enrichment. This happens
quite often during retreats, and the results are usually decisive and
lasting. The resolution may come for a particular couple when they are
alone together later reporting it to the others; or it may actually come
in the supportive atmosphere that the group is able to generate. Such
experiences are deeply reassuring and rewarding for all the
participating couples.