The Minister's Horn Mug.
This Country, said Mr. Slick, abounds in superior mill
privileges, and one would naterally calculate that such
a sight of water power, would have led to a knowledge of
machinery. I guess if a Blue Nose was to go to one of
our free and enlightened citizens, and tell him Nova
Scotia was intersected with rivers and brooks in all
directions, and nearly one quarter of it covered with
water, he'd say, well I'll start right off and see it,
I vow, for I guess I'll larn somethin. I allot I'll get
another wrinkle away down east there. With such splendid
chances for experimentin, what first-chop mills they must
have, to a sartainty. I'll see such new combinations,
and such new applications of the force of water to motion,
that I'll make my fortin, for we can improve on any thing
amost. Well, he'd find his mistake out I guess, as I did
once, when I took passage in the night at New York for
Providence, and found myself the next mornin clean out
to sea, steerin away for Cape Hatteras, in the Charleston
steamer. He'd find he'd gone to the wrong place, I reckon;
there aint a mill of any kind in the Province fit to be
seen. If we had 'em, we'd sarve 'em as we do the gamblin
houses down south, pull 'em right down, there would'nt
be one on 'em left in eight and forty hours.
Some domestic factories they ought to have here; its an
essential part of the social system. Now we've run to
the other extreme, its got to be too big an interest with
us, and aint suited to the political institutions of our
great country. Natur designed us for an agricultural
people, and our government was predicated on the supposition
that we would be so. Mr. Hopewell was of the same opinion.
He was a great hand at gardenin, orchadin, farming, and
what not. One evenin I was up to his house, and says he,
Sam, what do you say to a bottle of my old genuine cider?
I guess I got some that will take the shine off of your
father's, by a long chalk, much as the old gentleman
brags of his'n--I never bring it out afore him. He thinks
he has the best in all Connecticut. Its an innocent
ambition that; and Sam, it would be but a poor thing for
me to gratify my pride, at the expense of humblin his'n.
So I never lets on that I have any better, but keep dark
about this superfine particular article of mine, for I'd
as lives he'd think so as not. He was a real primiTIVE
good man was minister. I got some, said he, that was
bottled that very year, that glorious action was fought
atween the Constitution and the Guerriere. Perhaps the
whole world could'nt shew such a brilliant whippin as
that was. It was a splendid deed, that's a fact. The
British can whip the whole airth, and we can whip the
British. It was a bright promise for our young eagle; a
noble bird that, too; great strenth, great courage, and
surpassing sagacity.
Well, he went down to the cellar, and brought up a bottle,
with a stick tied to its neck, and day and date to it,
like lye-bills on the trees in Squire Hendrick's garden.
I like to see them are cobwebs, says he, as he brushed
'em off, they are like grey hairs in an old man's head,
they indicate venerable old age. As he uncorked it, says
he, I guess Sam, this will warm your gizzard, my boy; I
guess our great nation may be stumped to produce more
eleganter liquor than this here. Its the dandy, that's
a fact. That, said he, a smackin his lips, and lookin at
its sparklin top, and layin back his head, and tippin
off a horn mug brim full of it--that, said he, and his
eyes twinkled agin, for it was plaguy strong, that is
the produce of my own orchard. Well, I said, minister,
says I, I never see you a swiggin it out of that are horn
mug, that I don't think of one of your texts. What's
that, Sam, says he? for you always had a most a special
memory when you was a boy; why says I, "that the horn of
the righteous man shall be exalted," I guess that's what
they mean by "exalten the horn," aint it? Lord if ever
you was to New OrLEENS, and seed a black thunder cloud
rise right up and cover the whole sky in a it, you'd a
thought of it if you had seed his face. It looked as dark
as Egypt. For shame, says he, Sam, that's ondecent; and
let me tell you that a man that jokes on such subjects,
shews both a lack of wit and sense too. I like mirth,
you know I do, for its only the Pharisees and hypocrites
that wear long faces, but then mirth must be innocent to
please me; and when I see a man make merry with serious
things, I set him down as a lost sheep. That comes of
your speculatin to Lowell; and, I vow, them factorin
towns will corrupt our youth of both sexes, and become
hotbeds of iniquity. Evil communications endamnify good
manners, as sure as rates; one scabby sheep will infect
a whole flock--vice is as catchin as that nasty disease
the Scotch have, it's got by shakin hands, and both eend
in the same way--in brimstone. I approbate domestic
factories, but nothin further for us. It don't suit us
or our institutions. A republic is only calculated for
an enlightened and vartuous people, and folks chiefly in
the farmin line. That is an innocent and a happy vocation.
Agriculture was ordained by Him as made us, for our chief
occupation.
Thinks I, here's a pretty how do you do; I'm in for it
now, that's a fact; he'll jist fall to and read a regular
sarmon, and he knows so many by heart hell never stop.
It would take a Philadelphia lawyer to answer him. So,
says I, minister, I ax your pardon, I feel very ugly at
havin given you offence, but I did'nt mean it, I do assure
you. It jist popt out unexpectedly, like a cork out of
one of them are cider bottles, I'll do my possibles that
the like don't happen agin, you may depend; so 'spose we
drink a glass to our reconciliation. That I will, said
he and we will have another bottle too, but I must put
a little water into MY GLASS, (and he dwelt on that word,
and looked at me, quite feelin, as much as to say, don't
for goodness sake make use of that are word HORN agin,
for it's a joke I don't like,) for my head hante quite
the strength my cider has. Taste this, Sam, said he,
(openin of another bottle,) it's of the same age as the
last, but made of different apples, and I am fairly
stumped sometimes to say which is best.
These are the pleasures, says he, of a country life. A
man's own labor provides him with food, and an appetite
to enjoy it. Let him look which way he will, and he sees
the goodness and bounty of his Creator, his wisdom, his
power, and his majesty. There never was any thing so
true, as that are old sayin, "man made the town, but God
made the country," and both bespeak their different
architects in terms too plain to be misunderstood. The
one is filled with virtue and the other with vice. One
is the abode of plenty, and the other of want; one is a
ware-duck of nice pure water--and tother one a cess-pool.
Our towns are gettin so commercial and factoring, that
they will soon generate mobs, Sam, (how true that are
has turned out, haint it? he could see near about as far
into a mill-stone, as them that picks the hole into it,)
and mobs will introduce disobedience and defiance to
laws, and that must eend in anarchy and bloodshed. No,
said the old man, raising his voice, and giving the table
a wipe with his fist that made the glasses all jingle
agin, give me the country; that country to which he that
made it said, "Bring forth grass, the herb yield in seed,
and the tree yieldin fruit," AND WHO SAW THAT IT WAS
GOOD. Let me jine with the feathered tribe in the mornin,
(I hope you get up airly now, Sam; when you was a boy
there was no gitten you out of bed at no rate,) and at
sunset, in the hymns which they utter in full tide of
song to their Creator. Let me pour out the thankfulness
of my heart to the Giver of all good things, for the
numerous blessings I enjoy, and intreat him to bless my
increase, that I may have wherewithal to relieve the
wants of others, as he prevents and relieves mine. No!
give me the country. Its --- Minister was jist like a
horse that has the spavin: he sot off considerable stiff
at first, but when he once got under way, he got on like
a house a fire. He went like the wind, full split.
He was jist beginnin to warm on the subject, and I knew
if he did, what wonderful bottom he had; how he would
hang on for ever amost; so, says I, I think so too,
minister, I like the country, I always sleep better there
than in towns; it tante so plaguy hot, nor so noisy
neither, and then its a pleasant thing to set out on the
stoop and smoke in the cool, aint it? I think, says I,
too, Minister, that that are uncommon handsum cider of
yourn desarves a pipe, what do you think? Well, says he,
I think myself a pipe would'nt be amiss, and I got some
real good Varginey, as you een amost ever seed, a present
from Rowland Randolph, an old college chum; and none the
worse to my palate, Sam, for bringin bye gone recollections
with it. Phoebe, my dear, said he to his darter, bring
the pipes and tobacco. As soon as the old gentleman
fairly got a pipe in his mouth, I give Phoebe a wink, as
much as to say, warnt that well done. That's what I call
a most particular handsum fix. He can TALK now, (and that
_I_ DO LIKE to hear him do,) but he can't make a speech,
or preach a sarmon, and that _I_ DON'T LIKE to hear him
do, except on Sabbath day, or up to Town Hall, on oration
times.
Minister was an uncommon pleasant man, (for there was
nothin amost he didn't know,) except when he got his
dander up, and then he did spin out his yarns for
everlastinly.
But I'm of his opinion. If the folks here want their
country to go ahead, they must honor the plough, and
General Campbell ought to hammer that are into their
noddles, full chisell, as hard as he can drive. I could
larn him somethin, I guess, about hammerin he aint up
to. It tante every one that knows how to beat a thing
into a man's head. How could I have sold so many thousand
clocks, if I hadn't had that nack. Why, I wouldn't have
sold half a dozen, you may depend.
Agriculture is not only neglected but degraded here.
What a number of young folks there seem to be in these
parts, a ridin about, titivated out real jam, in their
go-to-meetin clothes, a doin nothin. It's melancholy to
think on it. That's the effect of the last war. The
idleness and extravagance of those times took root, and
bore fruit abundantly, and now the young people are above
their business. They are too high in the instep, that's
a fact Old Drivvle, down here to Maccan, said to me one
day, for gracious sake, says he Mr. Slick, do tell me
what I shall do with Johnny. His mother sets great store
by him, and thinks he's the makins of a considerable
smart man--he's growin up fast now, and I am pretty well
to do in the world, and reasonable forehanded, but I
don't know what the dogs to put him to. The Lawyers are
like spiders, they've eat up all the flies, and I guess
they'll have to eat each other soon, for there's more on
'em than causes now every court. The Doctors' trade is
a poor one, too, they don't get barely cash enough to
pay for their medicines; I never seed a country practitioner
yet that made any thing worth speakin of. Then, as for
preachin, why church and dissenters are pretty much tarred
with the same stick, they live in the same pastur with
their flocks; and, between 'em, its fed down pretty close
I tell you. What would you advise me to do with him?
Well, says I, I'll tell you if you won't be miffy with
me. Miffy with you indeed, said he, I guess I'll be very
much obliged to you; it tante every day one gets a chance
to consult with a person of your experience--I count it
quite a privilege to have the opinion of such an
understandin man as you be. Well, says I, take a stick
and give him a real good quiltin, jist tantune him like
blazes, and set him to work.--What does the critter
want? you have a good farm for him, let him go and airn
his bread; and when he can raise that, let him get a wife
to make butter for it; and when he has more of both than
he wants, let him sell em and lay up his money, and he
will soon have his bread buttered on both sides--put him
to, eh! why put him to the PLOUGH, the most nateral, the
most happy, the most innocent, and the host healthy
employment in the world. But, said the old-man (and he
did not look over half pleased) markets are so confounded
dull, labor so high, and the banks and great folks a
swallerin all up so, there don't seem much encouragement
for farmers, its hard rubbin, now-a-days, to live by the
plough--he'll be a hard workin poor man all his days.
Oh! says I, if he wants to get rich by farmin, be can
do that, too. Let him sell his wheat, and eat his oatmeal
and rye; send his beef, mutton and poultry to market,
and eat his pork and potatoes; make his own cloth, weave
his own linen, and keep out of shops, and he'll soon grow
rich--there are more fortins got by savin than by makin,
I guess, a plaguy sight--he cant eat his cake and have
it too, that's a fact. No, make a farmer of him, and you
will have the satisfaction of seeing him an honest, an
independent, and a respectable member of society--more
honest than traders, more independent than professional
men, and more respectable than either.
Ahem! says Marm Drivvle, and she began to clear her throat
for action; she slumped down her nittin, and clawed off
her spectacles, and looked right straight at me, so as
to take good aim. I seed a regular norwester a bruin, I
knew it would bust somewhere sartan, and make all smoke
agin, so I cleared out and left old Drivvle to stand the
squall. I conceit he must have had a tempestical time of
it, for she had get her Ebenezer up, and looked like a
proper sneezer. Make her Johnny a farmer, eh! I guess
that was too much for the like o' her to stomach.
PRIDE, SQUIRE, continued the Clockmaker, (with such an
air of concern, that, I verily believe, the man feels an
interest in the welfare of a Province, in which he has
spent so long a time,) Pride, Squire, and a false pride,
too, is the ruin of this country, I hope I may be skinned
if it tante.