Taming a Shrew.
The road from Amherst to Parrsboro' is tedious and
uninteresting. In places it is made so straight, that
you can see several miles of it before you, which produces
an appearance of interminable length, while the stunted
growth of the spruce and birch trees bespeaks a cold thin
soil, and invests the scene with a melancholy and sterile
aspect. Here and there occurs a little valley with its
meandering stream, and verdant and fertile intervale,
which, though possessing nothing peculiar to distinguish
it from many others of the same kind, strikes the traveller
as superior to them all, from the contrast to the
surrounding country. One of these secluded spots attracted
my attention, from the number and neatness of the buildings,
which its proprietor, a tanner and currier, had erected
for the purposes of his trade. Mr. Slick said be knew
him, and he guessed it was a pity he couldn't keep his
wife in as good order as he did his factory. They don't
hitch their horses together well at all. He is properly
hen-pecked, said he; he is afeerd to call his soul his
own, and he leads the life of a dog; you never seed the
beat of it, I vow. Did you ever see a rooster hatch a
brood of chickens? No, said I, not that I can recollect.
Well then I have, said he, and if he don't look like a
fool all the time he is a settin on the eggs, its a pity;
no soul could help larfin to see him. Our old nigger,
January Snow, had a spite agin one of father's roosters,
seein that he was a coward, and would'nt fight. He used
to call him Dearborne, arter our General that behaved so
ugly to Canada; and, says he one day, I guess you are no
better than a hen, you everlastin old chicken-hearted
villain, and I'll make you a larfin stock to all the
poultry. I'll put a trick on you you'll bear in mind all
your born days. So he catches old Dearborne, and pulls
all the feathers off his breast, and strips him as naked
as when he was born, from his throat clean down to his
tail, and then takes a bundle of nettles and gives him
a proper switchin that stung him, and made him smart like
mad; then he warms some eggs and puts them in a nest,
and sets the old cock right a top of 'em. Well, the warmth
of the eggs felt good to the poor critter's naked belly,
and kinder kept the itchin of the nettles down, and he
was glad to bide where he was, and whenever he was tired
and got off his skin felt so cold, he'd run right back
and squat down agin, and when his feathers began to grow,
and he got obstropolous, he got another ticklin with the
nettles, that made him return double quick to his location.
In a little time he larnt the trade real complete.
Now, this John Porter, (and there he is on the bridge I
vow, I never seed the beat o' that, speak of old Saytin
and he's sure to appear;) well, he's jist like old
Dearborne, only fit to hatch eggs. When we came to the
Bridge, Mr. Slick stopped his horse, to shake hands with
Porter, whom he recognized as an old acquaintance and
customer. He enquired after a bark mill he had smuggled
from the States for him, and enlarged on the value of
such a machine, and the cleverness of his countrymen who
invented such useful and profitable articles; and was
recommending a new process of tanning, when a female
voice from the house was heard, vociferating, "John
Porter, come here this minute." Coming, my dear, said
the husband. "Come here, I say, directly, why do you
stand talking to that Yankee villain there." The poor
husband hung his head, looked silly, and bidding us good
bye, returned slowly to the house. As we drove on, Mr.
Slick said, that was me--I did that. Did what? said I.
That was me that sent him back, I called him and not his
wife. I had that are bestowment ever since I was knee
high or so; I'm a real complete hand at Ventriloquism;
I can take off any man's voice I ever heerd to the very
nines. If there was a law agin forgin that as there is
for handwritin, I guess I should have been hanged long
ago. I've had high goes with it many a time, but its
plaguy dangersome, and I don't pracTISE it now but seldom.
I had a real bout with that are citizen's wife once, and
completely broke her in for him; she went as gentle as
a circus horse for a space, but he let her have her head
agin, and she's as bad as ever now. I'll tell you how it
was. I was down to the Island a sellin clocks, and who
should I meet but John Porter; well, I traded with him
for one, part cash, part truck and proDUCE, and also put
off on him that are bark mill you heerd me axin about,
and it was pretty considerable on in the evenin afore we
finished our trade. I came home along with him, and had
the clock in the waggon to fix it up for him, and to shew
him how to regilate it. Well, as we neared his house,
he began to fret and take on dreadful oneasy; says he,
I hope Jane wont be abed, cause if she is she'll act
ugly, I do suppose. I had heerd tell of her afore; bow
she used to carry a stiff upper lip, and make him and
the broomstick well acquainted together; and, says I,
why do you put up with her tantrums, I'd make a fair
division of the house with her, if it was me, I'd take
the inside and allocate her the outside of it pretty
quick that's a fact. Well, when we came to the house,
there was no light in it, and the poor critter looked so
streaked and down in the mouth, I felt proper sorry for
him. When he rapped at the door, she called out, who's
there? Its me, dear, says Porter. You, is it, said she,
then you may stay where you be, them as gave you your
supper, may give you your bed, instead of sendin you
sneakin home at night like a thief. Said I, in a whisper,
says I, leave her to me, John Porter--jist take the
horses up to the barn, and see after them, and I'll manage
her for you, I'll make her as sweet as sugary candy,
never fear. The barn you see is a good piece off to the
eastward of the house; and, as soon as he was cleverly
out of hearin, says I, a imitatin of his voice to the
life, do let me in, Jane, says I, that's a dear critter,
I've brought you home some things you'll like, I know.
Well, she was an awful jealous critter; says she, take
'em to her you spent the evenin with, I don't want you
nor your presents neither. Arter a good deal of coaxin
I stood on tother tack, and began to threaten to break
the door down; says I, you old unhansum lookin sinner,
you vinerger cruet you, open the door this minit or I'll
smash it right in. That grigged her properly, it made
her very wrathy, (for nothin sets up a woman's spunk like
callin her ugly, she gets her back right up like a cat
when a strange dog comes near her; she's all eyes, claws
and bristles.)
I heerd her bounce right out of bed, and she came to the
door as she was, ondressed, and onbolted it; and, as I
entered it, she fetched me a box right across my cheek
with the flat of her hand, that made it tingle agin. I'll
teach you to call names agin, says she, you varmint. It
was jist what I wanted; I pushed the door tu with my
foot, and seizing her by the arm with one hand, I quilted
her with the horsewhip real handsum, with the other. At
first she roared like mad; I'll give you the ten
commandments, says she, (meaning her ten claws,) I'll
pay you for this, you cowardly villain, to strike a woman.
How dare you lift your hand, John Porter, to your lawful
wife, and so on; all the time runnin round and round,
like a colt that's a breakin, with the mouthin bit,
rarein, kickin, and plungin like statiee. Then she began
to give in. Says she, I beg pardon, on my knees I beg
pardon--don't murder me, for Heaven's sake--don't, dear
John, don't murder your poor wife, that's a dear. I'll
do as you bid me, I promise to behave well, upon my honor
I do--oh! dear John, do forgive me, do dear. When I had
her properly brought too, for havin nothin on but a thin
under garment, every crack of the whip told like a notch
on a baker's tally, says I, take that as a taste of what
you'll catch, when you act that way like old Scratch.
Now go and dress yourself, and get supper for me and a
stranger I have brought home along with me, and be quick,
for I vow I'll be master in my own house. She moaned
like a dog hit with a stone, half whine, half yelp; dear,
dear, says she, if I aint all covered over with welts as
big as my finger, I do believe I'm flayed alive; and she
boohood right out like any thing. I guess, said I, you've
got 'em where folks wont see 'em, any how, and I calculate
you won't be over forrard to show 'em where they be. But
come, says I, be a stirrin, or I'll quilt you agin as
sure as you're alive--I'll tan your hide for you, you
may depend, you old ungainly tempered heifer you.
When I went to the barn, says I, John Porter, your wife
made right at me, like one ravin distracted mad, when I
opened the door, thinkin it was you; and I was obliged
to give her a crack or two of the cowskin to get clear
of her. It has effectuated a cure completely; now foller
it up, and don't let on for your life, it warn't you that
did it, and you'll be master once more in your own house.
She's all docity jist now, keep her so. As we returned
we saw a light in the keepin room, the fire was blazin
up cheerfulsome, and Marm Porter moved about as brisk as
a parched pea, though as silent as dumb, and our supper
was ready in no time. As soon as she took her seat and
sot down, she sprung right up on eend, as if she had sot
on a pan of hot coals, and colored all over; and then
tears started in her eyes. Thinks I to myself, I calculate
I wrote that are lesson in large letters any how, I can
read that writin without spellin, and no mistake; I guess
you've got pretty well warmed thereabouts this hitch.
Then she tried it agin, first she sot on one leg then on
tother, quite oneasy, and then right atwixt both, a
fidgettin about dreadfully; like a man that's rode all
day on a bad saddle, and lost a little leather on the
way. If you had seed how she stared at Porter, it would
have made you snicker. She could'nt credit her eyes. He
warn't drunk, and he warn't crazy, but there he sot as
peeked and as meechin as you please. She seemed all struck
up of a heap at his rebellion. The next day when I was
about startin, I advised him to act like a man, and keep
the weather gage now he had it, and all would be well,
but the poor critter only held on a day or two, she soon
got the upper hand of him, and made him confess all, and
by all accounts he leads a worse life now than ever. I
put that are trick on him jist now to try him, and I see
it's gone goose with him; the jig is up with him, she'll
soon call him with a whistle like a dog. I often think
of the hornpipe she danced there in the dark along with
me, to the music of my whip--she touched it off in great
style, that's a fact. I shall mind that go one while,
I promise you. It was actilly equal to a play at old
Bowry. You may depend, Squire, the only way to tame a
shrew, is by the cowskin. Grandfather Slick was raised
all along the coast of Kent in Old England, and he used
to say there was an old saying there, which, I expect,
is not far off the mark:
A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree,
The more you lick 'em, the better they be.