A Cure for Conceit.
Its a most curious unaccountable thing, but its a fact,
said the Clockmaker, the Blue Noses are so conceited,
they think they know every thing; and yet there aint a
livin soul in Nova Scotia knows his own business real
complete, farmer or fisherman, lawyer or doctor, or any
other folk. A farmer said to me one day, up to Pugnose's
inn at River Philip, Mr. Slick, says he, I allot this
aint "A BREAD COUNTRY;" I intend to sell off the house
I improve, and go to the States. If it aint a bread
country, said I, I never see'd one that was. There is
more bread used here, made of best superfine flour, and
No. 1. Genesssee, than in any other place of the same
population in the univarse. You might as well say it aint
a Clock Country, when, to my sartin knowledge, there are
more clocks than bibles in it. I guess you expect to
raise your bread ready made, dont you? Well there's only
one class of our free and enlightened citizens that can
do that, and that's them that are born with silver spoons
in their mouths. It's a pity you was'nt availed of this
truth, afore you up killoch and off--take my advice and
bide where you be. Well the fishermen are jist as bad.
The next time you go into the fish market at Halifax,
stump some of the old hands; says you "how many fins has
a cod at a word," and I'll liquidate the bet if you lose
it. When I've been along-shore afore now, a vendin of my
clocks, and they began to raise my dander, by belittleing
the Yankees, I always brought them up by a round turn by
that requirement, "how many fins has a cod at a word."
Well they never could answer it; and then, says I, when
you larn your own business, I guess it will be time enough
to teach other folks theirn. How different it is with
our men folk, if they cant get thro' a question, how
beautifully they can go round it, can't they? Nothin
never stops them. I had two brothers, Josiah and Eldad,
one was a lawyer, and the other a doctor. They were a
talkin about their examinations one night, at a huskin
frolic, up to Governor Ball's big stone barn at Slickville.
Says Josy, when I was examined, the Judge axed me all
about real estate; and, says he, Josiah, says he, what's
a fee? Why, says I, Judge, it depends on the natur of
the case. In a common one, says I, I call six dollars
a pretty fair one; but lawyer Webster has got afore now,
I've heerd tell, 1,000 dollars, and that _I_ DO CALL a
fee. Well, the Judge he larfed ready to split his sides;
(thinks I, old chap, you'll bust like a steam byler, if
you hant got a safety valve somewhere or another,) and,
says he, I vow that's superfine; I'll indorse your
certificate for you, young man; there's no fear of you,
you'll pass the inspection brand any how.
Well, says Eldad, I hope I may be skinned if the same
thing did'nt een amost happen to me at my examination.
They axed me a nation sight of questions, some on 'em I
could answer, and some on 'em no soul could, right off
the reel at a word, without a little cypherin; at last
they axed me, "How would you calculate to put a patient
into a sweat, when common modes would'nt work no how?"
Why, says I, I'd do as Dr. Comfort Payne sarved father;
and how was that, said they. Why, says I, he put him into
such a sweat as I never seed him in afore, in all my born
days, since I was raised, by sending him in his bill,
and if that did'nt sweat him it's a pity; it was an ACTIVE
dose you may depend. I guess that are chap has cut his
eye teeth, said the President, let him pass as approbated.
They both knowed well enough, they only made as if they
did'nt, to poke a little fun at them, for the Slick family
were counted in a general way to be pretty considerable
cute.
They reckon themselves here, a chalk above us Yankees,
but I guess they have a wrinkle or two to grow afore they
progress ahead on us yet. If they hant got a full cargo
of conceit here, then I never seed a load, that's all.
They have the hold chock full, deck piled up to the pump
handles, and scuppers under water. They larnt that of
the British, who are actilly so full of it, they remind
me of Commodore Trip. When he was about half shaved he
thought every body drunk but himself. I never liked the
last war, I thought it unnateral, and that we hadnt ought
to have taken hold of it at all, and so most of our New
England folks thought; and I wasn't sorry to hear Gineral
Dearborne was beat, seeing we had no call to go into
Canada. But when the Guerriere was captivated by our
old Ironsides, the Constitution, I did feel lifted up
amost as high as a stalk of Varginey corn among Connecticut
middlins; I grew two inches taller I vow, the night I
heerd that news. Brag, says I, is a good dog, but hold
fast is better. The British navals had been a braggin
and a hectorin so long, that when they landed in our
cities, they swaggered een amost as much as Uncle Peleg
(big Peleg as he was called), and when he walked up the
centre of one of our narrow Boston streets, he used to
swing his arms on each side of him, so that folks had to
clear out of both foot paths; he's eat, afore now, the
fingers of both hands agin the shop windows on each side
of the street. Many the poor feller's cruper bone he's
smashed, with his great thick boots, a throwin out his
feet afore him een amost out of sight, when he was in
full rig a swigglin away at the top of his gait. Well
they cut as many shines as Uncle Peleg. One Frigate they
guessed would captivate, sink, or burn our whole navy.
Says a naval one day, to the skipper of a fishing boat
that he took, says he, is it true Commodore Decatur's
sword is made of an old iron hoop? Well, says the skipper,
I'm not quite certified as to that, seein as I never sot
eyes on it; but I guess if he gets a chance he'll shew
you the temper of it some of these days, any how.
I mind once a British man-o'-war took one of our Boston
vessels, and ordered all hands on board, and sent a party
to skuttle her; well, they skuttled the fowls and the
old particular genuine rum, but they obliviated their
arrand and left her. Well, next day another frigate (for
they were as thick as toads arter a rain) comes near her,
and fires a shot for her to bring to. No answer was made,
there bein no livin soul on board, and another shot fired,
still no answer. Why what on airth is the meanin of this,
said the Captain, why dont they haul down that damn goose
and gridiron (thats what he called our eagle and stars
on the flag.) Why, says the first leftenant, I guess they
are all dead men, that shot frightened them to death.
They are afeared to show their noses says another, lest
they should be shaved off by our shots. They are all down
below a "CALCULATIN" their loss I guess, says a third.
I'll take my davy says the Captain, its some Yankee trick,
a torpedo in her bottom or some such trap--we'll let her
be, and sure enough, next day, back she came to shore of
herself. I'll give you a quarter of an hour, says the
Captain of the Guerriere to his men, to take that are
Yankee frigate the Constitution. I guess he found his
mistake where he didn't expect it, without any great
sarch for it either. Yes; (to eventuate my story) it
did me good, I felt dreadful nice, I promise you. It was
as lovely as bitters of a cold mornin. Our folks beat
'em arter that so often, they got a little grain too much
conceit also. They got their heels too high for their
boots, and began to walk like uncle Peleg too, so that
when the Chesapeake got whipped I warnt sorry. We could
spare that one, and it made our navals look round, like
a feller who gets a hoist, to see who's a larfin at him.
It made 'em brush the dust off, and walk on rather
sheepish. It cut their combs that's a fact. The war did
us a plaguy sight of good in more ways than one, and it
did the British some good too. It taught 'em not to carry
their chins too high, for fear they should'nt see the
gutters--a mistake that's spoiled many a bran new coat
and trowsers afore now.
Well, these Blue Noses have caught this disease, as folks
do the Scotch fiddle, by shakin hands along with the
British. Conceit has become here, as Doctor Rush says,
(you have heerd tell of him, he's the first man of the
age, and its generally allowed our doctors take the shine
off of all the world) acclimated, it is citizenised among
'em, and the only cure is a real good quiltin. I met a
first chop Colchester Gag this summer a goin to the races
to Halifax, and he knowed as much about racin, I do
suppose, as a Chictaw Ingian does of a rail road. Well,
he was a praisin of his horse, and runnin on like Statiee.
He was begot, he said, by Roncesvalles, which was better
than any horse that ever was seen, because he was once
in a duke's stable in England. It was only a man that
had blood like a lord, said he, that knew what blood in
a horse was. Capt. Currycomb, an officer at Halifax, had
seen his horse and praised him, and that was enough--that
stamped him--that fixed his value. It was like the
President's name to a bank note, it makes it pass current.
Well, says I, I hant got a drop of blood in me nothin
stronger than molasses and water, I vow, but I guess I
know a horse when I see him for all that, and I dont
think any great shakes of your beast, any how; what start
will you give me, says I, and I will run "Old Clay" agin
you, for a mile lick right an eend. Ten rods, said he,
for twenty dollars. Well, we run, and I made "Old Clay"
bite in his breath and only beat him by half a neck. A
tight scratch says I, that, and it would have sarved me
right if I had been beat. I had no business to run an
old roadster so everlastin fast, it aint fair on him, is
it? Says he, I will double the bet and start even, and
run you agin if you dare. Well, says I, since I won the
last it would'nt be pretty not to give you a chance; I
do suppose I oughtn't to refuse, but I dont love to abuse
my beast by knockin him about this way.
As soon as the money was staked, I said, had'nt we better,
says I, draw stakes, that are blood horse of yourn has
such uncommon particular bottom, he'll perhaps leave me
clean out of sight. No fear of that, said he, larfin,
but he'll beat you easy, any how. No flinchin, says he,
I'll not let you go back of the bargain. Its run or
forfeit. Well, says I, friend, there is fear of it; your
horse will leave me out of sight, to a sartainty, thats
a fact, for he CANT KEEP UP TO ME NO TIME. I'll drop him,
hull down, in tu twos. If old Clay did'nt make a fool of
him, its a pity. Did'nt he gallop pretty, that's all? He
walked away from him, jist as the Chancellor Livingston
steam boat passes a sloop at anchor in the north river.
Says I, I told you your horse would beat me clean out of
sight, but you would'nt believe me; now, says I, I will
tell you something else. That are horse will help, you
to lose more money to Halifax than you are a thinkin on;
for there aint a beast gone down there that wont beat
him. He cant run a bit, and you may tell the British
Captain I say so. Take him home and sell him, buy a good
yoke of oxen; they are fast enough for a farmer, and give
up blood horses to them that can afford to keep stable
helps to tend 'em, and leave bettin alone to them, as
has more money nor wit, and can afford to lose their
cash, without thankin agin of their loss. When _I_ WANT
your advice, said he, I will ASK IT, most peskily sulky.
You might have got it before you AXED for it, said I,
but not afore you WANTED it, you may depend on it. But
stop, said I, let's see that all's right afore we part;
so I counts over the fifteen pounds I won of him, note
by note, as slow as any thing, on purpose to ryle him,
then I mounts "old Clay" agin, and says I, friend, you
have considerably the advantage of me this hitch, any
how. Possible! says he, how's that? Why, says I, I guess
you'll return rather lighter than you came--and that's
more nor I can say, any how, and then I gave him a wink
and a jupe of the head, as much as to say, "do you take?"
and rode on and left him starin and scratchin his head
like a feller who's lost his road. If that citizen aint
a born fool, or too far gone in the disease, depend on't,
he found "A CURE FOR CONCEIT."