The Blowin Time.
The long rambling dissertation on conceit to which I had
just listened, from the Clockmaker, forcibly reminded me
of the celebrated aphorism "gnothi seauton," know thyself,
which, both from its great antiquity and wisdom, has been
by many attributed to an oracle.
With all his shrewdness to discover, and his humor to
ridicule the foibles of others, Mr. Slick was kind to
the many defects of his own character; and, while
prescribing "a cure for conceit," exhibited in all he
said, and all he did, the most overweening conceit himself.
He never spoke of his own countrymen, without calling
them "the most free and enlightened citizens on the face
of the airth," or as "takin the shine off of all creation."
His country he boasted to be the "best atween the poles,"
"the greatest glory under heaven." The Yankees he considered
(to use his expression) as "actilly the class-leaders in
knowledge among all the Americans," and boasted that they
have not only "gone ahead of all others," but had lately
arrived at that most enviable no plus ultra point "of
goin ahead of themselves." In short, he entertained no
doubt that Slickville was the finest place in the greatest
nation in the world, and the Slick family the wisest
family in it. I was about calling his attention to this
national trait, when I saw him draw his reins under his
foot, (a mode of driving peculiar to himself, when he
wish'd to economise the time that would otherwise be lost
by an unnecessary delay,) and taking off his hat, (which,
like a pedlar's pack, contained a general assortment,)
select from a number of loose cigars one that appeared
likely to "go," as he called it. Having lighted it by a
lucifer, and ascertained that it was "true in draft," he
resumed his reins and remarked, This must be an everlastin
fine country beyond all doubt, for the folks have nothin
to do but to ride about and talk politics. In winter,
when the ground is covered with snow, what grand times
they have a slayin over these here mashes with the galls,
or playin ball on the ice, or goin to quiltin frolics of
nice long winter evenings and then a drivin home like
mad, by moonlight. Natur meant that season on purpose
for courtin. A little tidy scrumptious lookin slay, a
real clipper of a horse, a string of bells as long as a
string of inions round his neck, and a sprig on his back,
lookin for all the world like a bunch of apples broke
off at gatherin time, and a sweetheart alongside, all
muffled up but her eyes and lips--the one lookin right
into you, and the other talkin right at you--is een a
most enough to drive one ravin tarin distracted mad with
pleasure, aint it? And then the dear critters say the
bells make such a din there's no hearin one's self speak;
so they put their pretty little mugs close up to your
face, and talk, talk, talk, till one can't help lookin
right at them instead of the horse, and then whap you
both go capsized into, a snow drift together, skins,
cushions and all. And then to see the little critter
shake herself when she gets up, like a duck landin from
a pond, a chatterin away all the time like a Canary bird,
and you a haw-hawin with pleasure, is fun alive, you may
depend. In this way Blue Nose gets led on to offer himself
as a lovier, afore he knows where he bees. But when he
gets married, he recovers his eyesight in little less
than half no time. He soon finds he's treed; his flint
is fixed then, you may depend. She larns him how vinegar
is made: Put plenty of sugar into the water aforehand,
my dear, says she, if you want to make it real sharp.
The larf is on the other side of his mouth then. If his
slay gets upsot, its no longer a funny matter, I tell
you; he catches it right and left. Her eyes don't look
right up to hisn any more, nor her little tongue ring,
ring, ring, like a bell any longer, but a great big hood
covers her head, and a whappin great muff covers her
face, and she looks like a bag of soiled clothes agoin
to the brook to be washed. When they get out, she don't
wait any more for him to walk lock and lock with her,
but they march like a horse and a cow to water, one in
each gutter. If there aint a transmogrification its a
pity. The difference atween a wife and a sweetheart is
near about as great as there is between new and hard
cider--a man never tires of puttin one to his lips, but
makes plaguy wry faces at tother. It makes me so kinder
wamblecropt when I think on it, that I'm afeared to
venture on matrimony at all. I have seen some Blue Noses
most properly bit, you may depend. You've seen a boy a
slidin on a most beautiful smooth bit of ice, ha'nt you,
larfin, and hoopin, and hallooin like one possessed, when
presently sowse he goes in over head and ears? How he
out fins and flops about, and blows like a porpoise
properly frightened, don't he? and when he gets out there
he stands; all shiverin and shakin, and the water a
squish-squashin in his shoes, and his trowsers all stickin
slimsey like to his legs. Well, he sneaks off home, lookin
like a fool, and thinkin every body he meets is a larfin
at him--many folks here are like that are boy, afore they
have been six months married. They'd be proper glad to
get out of the scrape too, and sneak off if they could,
that's a fact. The marriage yoke is plaguy apt to gall
the neck, as the ash bow does the ox in rainy weather,
unless it be most particularly well fitted. You've seen
a yoke of cattle that warn't properly mated, they spend
more strength in pullin agin each other, than in pullin
the load. Well that's apt to be the case with them as
choose their wives in sleighin parties, quiltin frolicks,
and so on; instead of the dairies, looms, and cheese
house. Now the Blue Noses are all a stirrin in winter.
The young folks drive out the galls, and talk love and
all sorts of things as sweet as dough-nuts. The old folks
find it near about as well to leave the old women to
home, for fear they should'nt keep tune together; so they
drive out alone to chat about House of Assembly with
their neighbors, while the boys and hired helps do the
chores. When the Spring comes, and the fields are dry
enough to be sowed, they all have to be plowed, CAUSE
FALL RAINS WASH THE LANDS TOO MUCH FOR FALL PLOUGHIN.
Well the plows have to be mended and sharpened, CAUSE
WHAT'S THE USE OF DOIN THAT AFORE ITS WANTED. Well the
wheat gets in too late, and then comes rust, but whose
fault is that? WHY THE CLIMATE TO BE SURE, FOR NOVA SCOTIA
AINT A BREAD COUNTRY.
When a man has to run ever so far as fast as he can clip,
he has to stop and take breath; you must do that or choke.
So it is with a horse; run him a mile, and his flanks
will heave like a Blacksmith's bellows; you must slack
up the rein and give him a little wind, or he'll fall
right down with you. It stands to reason, don't it? Atwixt
spring and fall work is "BLOWIN TIME." Then Courts come
on, and Grand Jury business, and Militia trainin, and
Race trainin, and what not; and a fine spell of ridin
about and doin nothin, a real "BLOWIN TIME." Then comes
harvest, and that is proper hard work, mowin and pitchin
hay, and reapin and bindin grain, and potatoe diggin.
That's as hard as sole leather, afore its hammered on
the lap stone--it's most next to any thing. It takes
a feller as tuff as Old Hickory (General Jackson) to
stand that.
Ohio is most the only country I knew of where folks are
saved that trouble; and there the freshets come jist in
the nick of time for 'em, and sweep all the crops right
up in a heap for 'em, and they have nothin to do but take
it home and house it, and sometimes a man gets more than
his own crop, and finds a proper swad of it all ready
piled up, only a little wet or so; but all countries aint
like Ohio. Well, arter harvest comes fall, and then
there's a grand "blowin time" till spring. Now, how the
Lord the Blue Noses can complain of their country, when
its only one third work and two-thirds "blowin time," no
soul can tell. Father used to say, when I lived on the
farm along with him--Sam, says he, I vow I wish there
was jist four hundred days in the year, for its a plaguy
sight too short for me. I can find as much work as all
hands on us can do for 365 days, and jist 35 days more,
if we had 'em. We han't got a minit to spare; you must
shell the corn and winner the grain at night, and clean
all up slick, or I guess we'll fall astarn as sure as
the Lord made Moses. If he didn't keep us all at it, a
drivin away full chisel, the whole blessed time, its a
pity. There was no "blowin time" there, you may depend.
We plowed all the fall for dear life; in winter we
thrashed, made and mended tools, went to market and mill,
and got out our firewood and rails. As soon as frost was
gone, came sowin and plantin, weedin and hoein--then
harvest and spreadin compost--then gatherin manure, fencin
and ditchin--and then turn tu and fall plowin agin. It
all went round like a wheel without stoppin, and so fast,
I guess you couldn't see the spokes, just one long
everlastin stroke from July to etarnity, without time to
look back on the tracks. Instead of racin over the
country like a young doctor, to show how busy a man is
that has nothin to do, as Blue Nose does, and then take
a "blowin time," we kept a rale travellin gate, an
eight-mile-an-hour pace, the whole year round. THEY BUY
MORE NOR THEY SELL, AND EAT MORE THAN THEY RAISE, in this
country. What a pretty way that is, is'nt it? If the
critters knew how to cypher, they would soon find out
that a sum stated that way always eends in a naught. I
never knew it to fail, and I defy any soul to cypher it
so, as to make it come out any other way, either by
Schoolmaster's Assistant or Algebra. When I was a boy,
the Slickville bank broke, and an awful disorderment it
made, that's a fact; nothin else was talked of. Well, I
studied it over a long time, but I could'nt make it out:
so says I, Father, how came that are bank to break? Warn't
it well built? I thought that are Quincy granite was so
amazin strong all natur would'nt break it. Why you foolish
critter, says he, it tante the buildin that's broke, its
the consarn that's smashed. Well, says I, I know folks
are plaguilly consarned about it, but what do you call
"folks smashin their consarns?" Father he larfed out like
any thing; I thought he never would stop--and sister
Sall got right up and walked out of the room, as mad as
a hatter. Says she, Sam, I do believe you are a born
fool, I vow. When father had done larfin, says he, I'll
tell you, Sam, how it was. They cyphered it so that they
brought out nothin for a remainder. Possible! says I;
I thought there was no eend to their puss. I thought it
was like Uncle Peleg's musquash hole, and that no soul
could ever find the bottom of. My!! says I. Yes, says
he, that are bank spent and lost more money than it made,
and when folks do that, they must smash at last, if their
puss be as long as the national one of Uncle Sam. This
Province is like that are Bank of ourn, it's goin the
same road, and they'll find the little eend of the horn
afore they think they are halfway down to it.
If folks would only give over talkin about that everlastin
House of Assembly and Council, and see to their farms,
it would be better for 'em, I guess; for arter all, what
is it? Why it's only a sort of first chop Grand Jury,
and nothin else. It's no more like Congress or Parliament,
than Marm Pugwash's keepin room is like our State hall.
It's jist nothin--Congress makes war and peace, has a
say in all treaties, confarms all great nominations of
the President, regilates the army and navy, governs
twenty-four independent States, and snaps its fingers in
the face of all the nations of Europe, as much as to say,
who be you? I allot I am as big as you be. If you are
six foot high, I am six foot six in my stockin feet, by
gum, and can lambaste any two on you in no time. The
British can whip all the world, and we can whip the
British. But this little House of Assembly that folks
make such a touss about, what is it? Why jist a decent
Grand Jury. They make their presentments of little money
votes, to mend these everlastin rottin little wooden
bridges, to throw a poultice of mud once a year on the
roads, and then take a "blowin time" of three months and
go home. The littler folks be, the bigger they talk. You
never seed a small man that did'nt wear high heel boots,
and a high, crowned bat, and that war'nt ready to fight
most any one, to show he was a man every inch of him. I
met a member the other day, who swaggered near about as
large as Uncle Peleg. He looked as if he thought you
could'nt find his "ditto" any where. He used some most
particular educational words, genuine jaw-breakers. He
put me in mind of a squirrel I once shot in our wood
location. The little critter got a hickory nut in his
mouth; well, he found it too hard to crack, and too big
to swaller, and for the life and soul of him, he could'nt
spit it out agin. If he did'nt look like a proper fool,
you may depend. We had a pond back of our barn about the
bigness of a good sizeable wash-tub, and it was chock
full of frogs. Well, one of these little critters fancied
himself a bull-frog, and he puffed out his cheeks, and
took a real "blowin time" of it; he roared away like
thunder; at last he puffed and puffed out till he bust
like a byler. If I see the Speaker this winter, (and I
shall see him to a sartainty if they don't send for him
to London, to teach their new Speaker) and he's up to
snuff, that are man; he knows how to cypher--I'll jist
say to him, Speaker, says I, if any of your folks in the
House go to swell out like dropsy, give 'em a hint in
time. Says you, if you have are a little safety valve
about you, let off a little steam now and then, or you'll
go for it; recollect the Clockmaker's story of the "Blowin
time."