Setting up for Governor.
I never see one of them queer little old fashioned tea
pots, like that are in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash, said
the Clockmaker, that I dont think of Lawyer Crowningshield
and his wife. When I was down to Rhode Island last, I
spent an evening with them. Arter I had been there a
while, the black House help brought in a little home made
dipt candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in two, to make it
stand straight, and set it down on the table. Why, says
the Lawyer to his wife, Increase my dear, what on earth
is the meanin o' that? what does little Viney mean by
bringin in such a light as this, that aint fit for even
a log hut of one of our free and enlightened citizens
away down east; where's the lamp? My dear, says she, I
ordered it--you know they are agoin to set you up for
Governor next year, and I allot we must economise or we
will be ruined--the salary is only four hundred dollars
a year, you know, and you'll have to give up your
practice--we can't afford nothin now. Well, when tea was
brought in, there was a little wee china tea pot, that
held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and
sarcers about the bigness of children's toys. When he
seed that, he grew most peskily ryled, his under lip
curled down like a peach leaf that's got a worm in it,
and he stripped his teeth, and showed his grinders, like
a bull dog; what foolery is this, said he? My dear, said
she, its the foolery of being Governor; if you choose to
sacrifice all your comfort to being the first rung in
the ladder, don't blame me for it. I did'nt nominate
you--I had not art nor part in it. It was cooked up at
that are Convention, at Town Hall. Well, he sot for some
time without sayin a word, lookin as black as a thunder
cloud, just ready to make all natur crack agin. At last
he gets up, and walks round behind his wife's chair, and
takin her face between his two hands, he turns it up and
gives her a buss that went off like a pistoll--it fairly
made my mouth water to see him; thinks I, them lips aint
a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither.
Increase, my dear, said he, I believe you are half right,
I'll decline to-morrow, I'll have nothin to do with it--I
WONT BE A GOVERNOR, ON NO ACCOUNT.
Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore
she could get her head out of his hands; and then she
said, Zachariah, says she, how you do act, aint you
ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave yourself: and she
colored up all over like a crimson piany; if you hav'nt
foozled all my hair too, that's a fact, says she; and
she put her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as
fun, though poutin all the time, and walked right out of
the room. Presently in come two well dressed House Helps,
one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real London touch, and
another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver coffee
pot, and tea pot, and a cream jug, and sugar boul, of
the same genuine metal, and a most an elegant sett of
real gilt china. Then in came Marm Crowningshield herself,
lookin as proud as if she would not call the President
her cousin; and she gave the Lawyer a look, as much as
to say, I guess when Mr. Slick is gone, I'll pay you
off that are kiss with interest, you dear you--I'll answer
a bill at sight for it, I will, you may depend. I believe,
said he agin, you are right Increase, my dear, its an
expensive kind of honor that bein Governor, and no great
thanks neither; great cry and little wool, all talk and
no cider--its enough I guess for a man to govern his own
family, aint it, dear? Sartin, my love, said she, sartin,
a man is never so much in his own proper sphere as there;
and beside, said she, his will is supreme to home, there
is no danger of any one non-concurring him there: and
she gave me a sly look, as much as to say, I let him
think he is master in his own house, FOR WHEN LADIES WEAR
THE BREECHES, THEIR PETTICOATS OUGHT TO BE LONG ENOUGH
TO HIDE THEM; but I allot, Mr. Slick, you can see with
half an eye that the "grey mare is the better horse here."
What a pity it is, continued the Clockmaker, that the
Blue Noses would not take a leaf out of Marm Crowninshield's
book--talk more of their own affairs and less of politics.
I'm sick of the everlastin sound of "House of Assembly,"
and "Council," and "great folks." They never alleviate
talking about them from July to etarnity. I had a curious
conversation about politics once, away up to the right
here. Do you see that are house, said he, in the field,
that's got a lurch to leeward, like a north river sloop,
struck with a squall, off West Point, lopsided like? It
looks like Seth Pine, a tailor down to Hartford, that
had one leg shorter than tother, when he stood at ease
at militia trainin, a restin on the littlest one. Well,
I had a special frolic there the last time I passed this
way. I lost the linch pin out of my forred axle, and I
turned up there to get it sot to rights. Just as I drove
through the gate, I saw the eldest gall a makin for the
house for dear life--she had a short petticoat on that
looked like a kilt, and her bare legs put me in mind of
the long shanks of a bittern down in a rush swamp, a
drivin away like mad full chizel arter a frog. I could
not think what on airth was the matter. Thinks I, she
wants to make herself look decent like afore I get in,
she don't like to pull her stockings on afore me; so I
pulls up the old horse and let her have a fair start.
Well, when I came to the door, I heard a proper scuddin;
there was a regular flight into Egypt, jist such a noise
as little children make when the mistress comes suddenly
into school, all a huddlin and scroudgin into their seats,
as quick as wink. Dear me, says the old woman, as she
put her head out of a broken window to avail who it was,
is it you, Mr. Slick? I sniggers, if you did not frighten
us properly, we actilly thought it was the Sheriff; do
come in. Poor thing, she looked half starved and half
savage, hunger and temper had made proper strong lines
in her face, like water furrows in a ploughed field; she
looked bony and thin, like a horse, that has had more
work than oats, and had a wicked expression, as though
it warnt over safe to come too near her heels--an everlastin
kicker. You may come out, John, said she to her husband,
its only Mr. Slick; and out came John from under the bed
backwards, on all fours, like an ox out of the shoein
frame, or a lobster skullin wrong eend foremost--he looked
as wild as a hawk. Well, I swan I thought I should have
split, I could hardly keep from bustin right out with
larfter--he was all covered with feathers, lint and
dust, the savins of all the sweepins since the house was
built, shoved under there for tidiness. He actilly sneezed
for the matter of ten minutes--he seemed half choked with
the flaff and stuff, that came out with him like a cloud.
Lord, he looked like a goose half picked, as if all the
quills were gone, but the pen feathers and down were
left, jist ready for singin and stuffin. He put me in
mind of a sick Adjutant, a great tall hulkin bird, that
comes from the East Indgies, a most as high as a man,
and most as knowin as a Blue Nose. I'd a ginn a hundred
dollars to have had that chap as a show at a fair--tar
and feathers war'nt half as nateral. You've seen a gall
both larf and cry at the same time, hante you? well, I
hope I may be shot if I could'nt have done the same. To
see that critter come like a turkey out of a bag at
Christmas, to be fired at for ten cents a shot, was as
good as a play; but to look round and see the poverty
--the half naked children--the old pine stumps for
chairs--a small bin of poor watery yaller potatoes in
the corner--day light through the sides and roof of the
house, lookin like the tarred seams of a ship, all black
where the smoak got out--no utensils for cookin or
eatin--and starvation wrote as plain as a handbill on
their holler cheeks, skinney fingers, and sunk eyes,
went right straight to the heart. I do declare I believe
I should have cried, only they did'nt seem to mind it
themselves. They had been used to it, like a man that's
married to a thunderin ugly wife, he gets so accustomed
to the look of her everlastin dismal mug, that he don't
think her ugly at all. Well, there was another chap a
settin by the fire, and he DID look as if he saw it and
felt it too, he did'nt seem over half pleased, you may
depend. He was the District Schoolmaster, and he told me
he was takin a spell at boardin there, for it was their
turn to keep him. Thinks I to myself poor devil, you've
brought your pigs to a pretty market, that's a fact. I
see how it is, the Blue Noses can't "cypher." The cat's
out of the bag now--its no wonder they don't go ahead,
for they don't know nothin--the "Schoolmaster is ABROAD,"
with the devil to it, for he has NO HOME at all. Why,
Squire, you might jist as well expect a horse to go right
off in gear, before he is halter broke, as a Blue Nose
to get on in the world, when he has got no schoolin. But
to get back to my story. Well, say's I, how's times with
you, Mrs. Spry? Dull, says she, very dull, there's no
markets now, things don't fetch nothin. Thinks I, some
folks had'nt ought to complain of markets, for they don't
raise nothin to sell, but I did'nt say so; FOR POVERTY
IS KEEN ENOUGH, WITHOUT SHARPENING ITS EDGE BY POKIN FUN
AT IT. Potatoes, says I, will fetch a good price this
fall, for it's a short crop in a general way--; how's
yourn? Grand, says she, as complete as ever you seed;
our tops were small and did'nt look well; but we have
the handsomest bottoms, its generally allowed, in all
our place; you never seed the best of them, they are
actilly worth lookin at. I vow I had to take a chaw of
tobacky to keep from snorting right out, it sounded so
queer like. Thinks I to myself, old lady, its a pity you
could'nt be changed eend for eend then, as some folks do
their stockings; it would improve the look of your dial
plate amazinly then, that's a fact.
Now there was human natur, Squire, said the Clockmaker,
there was pride even in that hovel. It is found in rags
as well as King's robes, where butter is spread with the
thumb as well as the silver knife, NATUR IS NATUR WHEREVER
YOU FIND IT. Jist then, in came one or two neighbors to
see the sport, for they took me for a Sheriff or Constable,
or something of that breed, and when they saw it was me
they sot down to hear the news; they fell right too at
politicks as keen as any thing, as if it had been a dish
of real Connecticut Slap Jacks, or Hominy; or what is
better still, a glass of real genuine splendid mint julep,
WHE-EU-UP, it fairly makes my mouth water to think of
it. I wonder, says one, what they will do for us this
winter in the House of Assembly? Nothin, says the other,
they never do nothin but what the great people at Halifax
tell 'em. Squire Yeoman is the man, he'll pay up the
great folks this hitch, he'll let 'em have their own,
he's jist the boy that can do it. Says I, I wish I could
say all men were as honest then, for I am afeard there
are a great many wont pay me up this winter; I should
like to trade with your friend, who is he? Why, says he,
he is the member for Isle Sable County, and if he don't
let the great folks have it, its a pity. Who do you call
great folks, said I, for I vow I hav'nt see'd one since
I came here. The only one that I know that comes near
hand to one is Nicholas Overknocker, that lives all along
shore, about Margaret's Bay, and HE IS a great man, it
takes a yoke of oxen to drag him. When I first see'd him,
says I, what on airth is the matter o' that man, has he
the dropsy, for he is actilly the greatest man I ever
see'd; he must weigh the matter of five hundred weight;
he'd cut three inches on the rib--he must have a proper
sight of lard, that chap? No, says I, don't call 'em
great men, for there aint a great man in the country,
that's a fact; there aint one that desarves the name;
folks will only larf at you if you talk that way. There
may be some rich men, and I believe there be, and its a
pity there warn't more on 'em, and a still greater pity
they have so little spirit or enterprise among 'em, but
a country is none the worse of having rich men in it,
you may depend. Great folks, well come, that's a good
joke--that bangs the bush. No, my friend, says I, the
meat that's at the top of the barrel, is sometimes not
so good as that that's a little grain lower down; the
upper and lower eends are plaguy apt to have a little
taint in 'em, but the middle is always good.
Well, says the Blue Nose, perhaps they beant great men,
exactly in that sense, but they are great men compared
to us poor folks; and they eat up all the revenue, there's
nothin left for roads and bridges, they want to ruin the
country, that's a fact. Want to ruin your granny, says
I, (for it raised my dander to hear the critter talk such
nonsense.) I did hear of one chap, says I, that sot fire
to his own house once, up to Squantum, but the cunnin
rascal insured it first; now how can your great folks
ruin the country without ruinin themselves, unless they
have insured the Province? Our folks will insure all
creation for half nothin, but I never heerd tell of a
country being insured agin rich men. Now if you ever go
to Wall Street to get such a policy, leave the door open
behind you, that's all; or they'll grab right hold of
you, shave your head and blister it, clap a straight
jacket on you, and whip you right into a mad house, afore
you can say Jack Robinson. No, your great men are nothin
but rich men, and I can tell you for your comfort, there's
nothin to hinder you from bein rich too, if you will take
the same means as they did. They were once all as poor
folks as you be, or their fathers afore them; for I know
their whole breed, seed and generation, and they would'nt
thank you to tell them that you knew their fathers and
grand fathers, I tell you. If ever you want the loan of
a hundred pounds from any of them, keep dark about that
--see as far ahead as you please, but it tante always
pleasant to have folks see too far back. Perhaps they be
a little proud or so, but that's nateral; all folks that
grow up right off, like a mushroom in one night, are apt
to think no small beer of themselves. A cabbage has plaguy
large leaves to the bottom, and spreads them out as wide
as an old woman's petticoats, to hide the ground it sprung
from, and conceal its extraction, but what's that to you?
If they get too large salaries, dock 'em down at once,
but don't keep talkin about it for everlastinly. If you
have too many sarvents, pay some on 'em off, or when they
quit your sarvice don't hire others in their room, that's
all; but you miss your mark when you keep firin away the
whole blessed time that way.
I went out a gunnin when I was a boy, and father went
with me to teach me. Well, the first flock of plover I
seed I let slip at them and missed them. Says father,
says he, what a blockhead you be, Sam, that's your own
fault, they were too far off, you had'nt ought to have
fired so soon. At Bunker's hill we let the British come
right on till we seed the whites of their eyes, and then
we let them have it slap bang. Well, I felt kinder grigged
at missin my shot, and I did'nt over half like to be
scolded too; so, says I yes, father, but recollect you
had a mud bank to hide behind, where you were proper
safe, and you had a rest for your guns too; but as soon
as you seed a little more than the whites of their eyes,
you run for dear life, full split, and so I don't see
much to brag on in that arter all, so come now. I'll
teach you to talk that way, you puppy you, said he, of
that glorious day; and he fetched me a wipe that I do
believe if I had'nt a dodged, would have spoiled my gunnin
for that hitch; so I gave him a wide birth arter that
all day. Well, the next time I missed, says I, she hung
fire so everlastinly, its no wonder--and the next miss,
says I, the powder is no good, I vow. Well, I missed
every shot, and I had an excuse for every one on 'em--the
flint was bad, or she flashed in the pan, or the shot
scaled, or something or another; and when all would'nt
do, I swore the gun was no good at all. Now, says father,
(and he edged up all the time, to pay me off for that
hit at his Bunker hill story, which was the only shot I
did'nt miss,) you han't got the right reason arter all.
It was your own fault, Sam. Now that's jist the case with
you; you may blame Banks and Council, and House of
Assembly, and "the great men," till you are tired, but
its all your own fault--YOU'VE NO SPIRIT AND NO ENTERPRISE,
YOU WANT INDUSTRY AND ECONOMY; USE THEM, AND YOU'LL SOON
BE AS RICH AS THE PEOPLE AT HALIFAX YOU CALL GREAT
FOLKS--they did'nt grow rich by talking, but by working;
instead of lookin after other folks' business, they looked
about the keenest arter their own. You are like the
machinery of one of our boats, good enough, and strong
enough, but of no airthly use till you get the steam up;
you want to be set in motion, and then you'll go ahead
like any thing, you may depend. Give up politics--its a
barren field, and well watched too; when one critter
jumps a fence into a good field and gets fat, more nor
twenty are chased round and round, by a whole pack of
yelpin curs, till they are fairly beat out, and eend by
bein half starved, and are at the liftin at last. look
to your farms--your water powers--your fisheries, and
factories. in short, says I, puttin on my hat and startin,
look to yourselves, and don't look to others.