Sister Sall's Courtship.
There goes one of them are everlastin rottin poles in
that bridge, they are no better than a trap for a critter's
leg, said the Clockmaker. They remind me of a trap Jim
Munroe put his foot in one night, that near about made
one leg half a yard longer than tother. I believe I told
you of him, what a desperate idle feller he was--he came
from Onion County in Connecticut. Well, he was courtin
Sister Sall--she was a real handsum lookin gall; you
scarce ever seed a more out and out complete critter than
she was--a fine figur head, and a beautiful model of a
craft as any in the state: a real clipper, and as full
of fun and frolick as a kitten. Well he fairly turned
Sall's head; the more we wanted her to give him up the
more she would'nt, and we got plaguy oneasy about it,
for his character was none of the best. He was a univarsal
favorite with the galls, and tho' he did'nt behave very
pretty neither, forgetting to marry where he promised,
and where he had'nt ought to have forgot too; yet, so it
was, he had such an uncommon winnin way with him, he
could talk them over in no time--Sall was fairly bewitched.
At last, Father said to him one evening when he came a
courtin, Jim, says he, you'll never come to no good, if
you act like old Scratch as you do; you aint fit to come
into no decent man's house at all, and your absence would
be ten times more agreeable than your company, I tell
you. I won't consent to Sall's goin to them are huskin
parties and quiltin frolics along with you no more, on
no account, for you know how Polly Brown and Nancy White
---. Now don't, says he, now don't, Uncle Sam; say no
more about that; if you knowed all you would'nt say it
was my fault; and besides, I have turned right about, I
am on tother tack now, and the long leg, too; I am as
steady as a pump bolt now. I intend to settle myself and
take a farm--yes yes, and you could stock it too, by all
accounts, pretty well, unless you are much misreported,
says father, but it won't do. I knew your father; he was
our Sargeant, a proper clever and brave man he was too;
he was one of the heroes of our glorious revolution. I
had a great respect for him, and I am sorry for his sake
you will act as you do; but I tell you once for all you
must give up all thoughts of Sall, now and for everlastin.
When Sall heerd this, she began to nit away like mad in
a desperate hurry--she looked foolish enough, that's a
fact. First she tried to bite in her breath, and look as
if there was nothin particular in the wind, then she
blushed all over like scarlet fever, but she recovered
that pretty soon, and then her colour went and came, and
came and went, till at last she grew as white as chalk,
and down she fell slap off her seat on the floor, in a
faintin fit. I see, says father, I see it now, you etarnal
villain, and he made a pull at the old fashioned sword,
that always hung over the fire place, (we used to call
it old Bunker, for his stories always begun, "when I was
at Bunker's hill,") and drawing it out, he made a clip
at him as wicked as if he was stabbing at a rat with a
hay fork; but Jim he outs of the door like a shot, and
draws it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker right
through the panel. I'll chop you up as fine as mince
meat, you villain, said he, if ever I catch you inside
my door agin; mind what I tell you, "YOU'LL SWING FOR IT
YET." Well, he made himself considerable scarce arter
that, he never sot foot inside the door agin, and I
thought he had ginn up all hopes of Sall, and she of him;
when one night, a most particular uncommon dark night,
as I was a comin home from neighbor Dearborne's, I heerd
some one a talkin under Sall's window. Well, I stops and
listens, and who should be near the ash saplin, but Jim
Munroe, a tryin to persuade Sall to run off with him to
Rhode Island to be married. It was all settled, he should
come with a horse and shay to the gate, and then help
her out of the window, jist at nine o'clock, about the
time she commonly went to bed. Then he axes her to reach
down her hand for him to kiss, (for he was proper clever
at soft sawder) and she stretches it down and he kisses
it; and, says he, I believe I must have the whole of you
out arter all, and gives her a jirk that kinder startled
her; it came so sudden like it made her scream; so off
he sot hot foot, and over the gate in no time.
Well, I cyphered over this all night, a calculatin how
I should reciprocate that trick with him, and at last I
hit on a scheme. I recollected father's words at partin,
"MIND WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET;" and
thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that prophecy come true
yet, I guess. So the next night, jist at dark, I gives
January Snow, the old nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and
as soon as he looks up, I winks and walks out and he
arter me--says I, January can you keep your tongue within
your teeth, you old nigger you? Why massa, why you ax
that are question? my Gor Ormity, you tink old Snow he
don't know dat are yet; my tongue he got plenty room now,
debil a tooth left, be can stretch out ever so far; like
a little leg in a big bed, he lay quiet enough, Massa,
neber fear. Well, then, says I, bend down that are ash
saplin softly, you old Snowball, and make no noise. The
saplin was no sooner bent than secured to the ground by
a notched peg and a noose, and a slip knot was suspended
from the tree, jist over the track that led from the
pathway to the house. Why, my Gor, massa, that's a ---.
Hold your mug, you old nigger, says I, or I'll send your
tongue a sarchin arter your teeth; keep quiet, and follow
me in presently. Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock,
says I, Sally, hold this here hank of twine for a minute,
till I wind a trifle on it off; that's a dear critter.
She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on her hands,
and then I begins to wind and wind away ever so slow,
and drops the ball every now and then, so as to keep her
down stairs. Sam, says she, I do believe you won't wind
that are twine off all night, do give it to January, I
won't stay no longer, I'm een a most dead asleep. The
old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady, says I, it won't
do; but hark, what's that, I'm sure I heerd something in
the ash saplin, did'nt you Sall? I heerd the geese there,
that's all, says she, they always come under the windows
at night; but she looked scared enough, and says she, I
vow I'm tired a holdin out of arms, this way, and I won't
do it no longer; and down she throw'd the hank on the
floor. Well, says I, stop one minute, dear, till I send
old January out to see if any body is there; perhaps some
o' neighbour Dearborne's cattle have broke into the sarce
garden. January went out, tho' Sall say'd it was no use,
for she knew the noise of the geese, they always kept
close to the house at night, for fear of the varmin.
Presently in runs old Snow, with his hair standin up an
eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin as big as the
rims of a soup plate; oh! Gor Ormity, said he, oh massa,
oh Miss Sally, oh!! What on airth is the matter with
you, said Sally, how you do frighten me, I vow I believe
you'r mad--oh my Gor said he, oh!! massa Jim Munroe he
hang himself, on the ash saplin under Miss Sally's
window--oh my Gor!!! That shot was a settler, it struck
poor Sall right atwixt wind and water; she gave a lurch
ahead, then healed over and sunk right down in another
faintin fit; and Juno, old Snow's wife, carried her off
and laid her down on the bed--poor thing, she felt ugly
enough, I do suppose.
Well, father, I thought he'd a fainted too, he was so
struck up all of a heap, he was completely bung fungered;
dear, dear, said he, I did'nt think it would come to pass
so soon, but I knew it would come; I foretold it; says
I, the last time I seed him, Jim, says I, mind what I
say, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET. Give me the sword I wore
when I was at Bunker's hill, may be there is life yet,
I'll cut him down. The lantern was soon made ready, and
out we went to the ash saplin. Cut me down, Sam, that's
a good fellow, said Jim, all the blood in my body has
swashed into my head, and's a runnin out o' my nose, I'm
een a most smothered, be quick for heaven's sake. The
Lord be praised, said father, the poor sinner is not
quite dead yet. Why, as I'm alive--well if that don't
beat all natur, why he has hanged himself by one leg,
and's a swingin like a rabbit upside down, that's a fact.
Why, if he aint snared, Sam; he is properly wired I
declare--I vow this is some o' your doins, Sam--well it
was a clever scheme too, but a little grain too dangerous,
I guess. Don't stand staring and jawin there all night,
said Jim, cut me down, I tell you--or cut my throat and
be damned to you, for I am choakin with blood. Roll over
that are hogshead, old Snow, said I, till I get a top on
it and cut him down; so I soon released him but he could'nt
walk a bit. His ankle was swelled and sprained like
vengeance, and he swore one leg was near about six inches
longer than tother. Jim Munroe, says father, little did
I think I should ever see you inside my door agin, but
I bid you enter now, we owe you that kindness, any how.
Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so chap fallen,
and so down in the mouth, he begged for heaven's sake it
might be kept a secret; he said he would RUN the state,
if ever it got wind, he was sure he could'nt STAND it.
It will be one while, I guess, said father, afore you
are able to run or stand either; but if you will give me
your hand, Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways,
I will not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome
guest at old Sam Slick's once more, for the sake of your
father--he was a brave man, one of the heroes of Bunker's
hill, he was our Sergeant and ---. He promises, says I,
father, (for the old man had stuck his right foot out,
the way he always stood when he told about the old war;
and as Jim could'nt stir a peg, it was a grand chance,
and he was a goin to give him the whole revolution from
General Gage up to Independence,) he promises, says I,
father. Well it was all settled, and things soon grew as
calm as a pan of milk two days old; and afore a year was
over, Jim was as steady a goin man as Minister Joshua
Hopewell, and was married to our Sall. Nothin was ever
said about the snare till arter the weddin. When the
Minister had finished axin a blessin, father goes up to
Jim, and says he, Jim Munroe, my boy, givin him a rousin
slap on the shoulder that sot him a coughin for the matter
of five minutes, (for he was a mortal powerful man, was
father) Jim Munroe, my boy, says he, you've got the snare
round your neck, I guess now, instead of your leg; the
Saplin has been a father to you, may you be the father
of many saplins.
We had a most special time of it, you may depend, all
except the minister; father got him into a corner, and
gave him chapter and verse for the whole war. Every now
and then as I come near them, I heard "Bunker's Hill,
Brandywine, Clinton, Gates," and so on. It was broad day
when we parted, and the last that went was poor minister.
Father followed him clean down to the gate, and says he,
"minister, we had'nt time this hitch, or I'd a told you
all about the 'EVAKYATION' of New York, but I'll tell
you that the next time we meet."