The Clockmaker Quilts a Blue Nose.
The descendants of Eve have profited little by her example.
The curiosity of the fair sex is still insatiable, and,
as it is often ill directed, it frequently terminates in
error. In the country this feminine propensity is
troublesome to a traveller, and he who would avoid
importunities, would do well to announce at once, on his
arrival at a Cumberland Inn, his name and his business,
the place of his abode and the length of his visit. Our
beautiful hostess, Mrs. Pugwash, as she took her seat at
the breakfast table this morning, exhibited the example
that suggested these reflections. She was struck with
horror at our conversation, the latter part only of which
she heard, and of course misapplied and misunderstood.
She was run down by the President, said I, and has been
laid up for some time. Gulard's people have stripped her,
in consequence of her making water so fast. Stripped
whom? said Mrs. Pugwash, as she suddenly dropped the
teapot from her hand; stripped whom,--for heaven's sake
tell me who it is? The Lady Ogle, said I. Lady Ogle, said
she, how horrid! Two of her ribs were so broken as to
require to be replaced with new ones. Two new ribs, said
she, well I never heer'd the beat of that in all my born
days; poor critter, how she must have suffered. On
examining her below the waist they found--Examining her
still lower, said she (all the pride of her sex revolting
at the idea of such an indecent exhibition,) you don't
pretend to say they stripped her below the waist; what
did the Admiral say? Did he stand by and see her handled
in that way? The Admiral, madam, said I, did not trouble
his head about it. They found her extremely unsound there,
and much worm eaten. Worm eaten, she continued, how awful!
it must have been them nasty jiggers, that got in there;
they tell me they are dreadful thick in the West Indies;
Joe Crow had them in his feet, and lost two of his toes.
Worm eaten, dear, dear!! but still that aint so bad as
having them great he fellows strip one. I promise you if
them Gulards had undertaken to strip me, I'd a taught
them different guess manners; I'd a died first before
I'd a submitted to it. I always heerd tell the English
quality ladies were awful bold, but I never heerd the
like o' that.
What on airth are you drivin at? said Mr. Slick. I never
seed you so much out in your latitude afore, marm, I vow.
We were talking of reparin a vessel, not strippin' a
woman, what under the sun could have put that are crotchet
into your head? She looked mortified and humbled at the
result of her own absurd curiosity, and soon quitted the
room. I thought I should have snorted right out two or
three times, said the Clockmaker; I had to pucker up my
mouth like the upper eend of a silk puss, to keep from
yawhawin in her face, to hear the critter let her clapper
run that fashion. She is not the first hand that has
caught a lobster, by puttin in her oar afore her turn,
I guess. She'll mind her stops next hitch, I reckon.
This was our last breakfast at Amherst.
An early frost that smote the potatoe fields, and changed
the beautiful green color of the Indian corn into shades
of light yellow, and dark brown, reminded me of the
presence of autumn--of the season of short days and bad
roads, I determined to proceed at once to Parrsboro, and
thence by the Windsor and Kentville route to Annapolis,
Yarmouth, and Shelburne, and to return by the shore road,
through Liverpool and Lunenburg to Halifax. I therefore
took leave, (though not without much reluctance) of the
Clockmaker, whose intention had been to go to Fort
Lawrence. Well, said he, I vow I am sorry to part company
along with you; a considerable long journey like ourn,
is like sitting up late with the galls, a body knows its
getting on pretty well towards mornin, and yet feels loth
to go to bed, for its just the time folks grow sociable.
I got a scheme in my head, said he, that I think will
answer both on us; I got debts due to me in all them are
places for Clocks sold by the concarn, now suppose you
leave your horse on these mashes this fall, he'll get as
fat as a fool, he wont be able to see out of his eyes in
a month, and I'll put "Old Clay," (I call him Clay arter
our senator, who is a prime bit of stuff) into a Yankee
waggon I have here, and drive you all round the coast.
This was too good an offer to be declined. A run at
grass for my horse, an easy and comfortable waggon, and
a guide so original and amusing as Mr. Slick, were either
of them enough to induce my acquiescence.
As soon as we had taken our seats in the waggon, he
observed, we shall progress real handsum now; that are
horse goes etarnal fast, he near about set my axle on
fire twice. He's a spanker you may depend. I had him
when he was a two year old, all legs and tail, like a
devil's darnin needle, and had him broke on purpose by
father's old nigger, January Snow. He knows English real
well, and can do near about any thing but speak it. He
helped me once to ginn a Blue Nose a proper handsum
quiltin. He must have stood a poor chance indeed, said
I, a horse kickin, and a man striking him at the same
time. Oh! not arter that pattern at all, said he, Lord
if "Old Clay" had a kicked him, he'd a smashed him like
that are sarcer you broke at Pugnose's inn, into ten
hundred thousand million flinders. Oh! no, if I did'nt
fix his flint for him in fair play it's a pity. I'll tell
you how it was. I was up to Truro, at Ezra Whitter's Inn.
There was an arbitration there atween Deacon Text and
Deacon Faithful. Well, there was a nation sight of folks
there, for they said it was a biter bit, and they came
to witness the sport, and to see which critter would get
the earmark.
Well, I'd been doin a little business there among the
folks, and had jist sot off for the river, mounted on
"Old Clay," arter takin a glass of Ezra's most particular
handsum Jamaiky, and was trottin off pretty slick, when
who should I run agin but Tim Bradley. He is a dreadful
ugly cross grained critter, as you een amost ever seed,
when he is about half shaved. Well, I stopped short, and
says, I, Mr. Bradley, I hope you beant hurt; I'm proper
sorry I run agin you, you cant feel uglier than I do
about it, I do assure you. He called me a Yankee pedlar,
a cheatin vagabond, a wooden nutmeg, and threw a good
deal of assorted hardware of that kind at me; and the
crowd of folks cried out, down with the Yankee, let him
have it Tim, teach him better manners; and they carried
on pretty high, I tell you. Well, I got my dander up
too, I felt all up on eend like; and, thinks I to myself,
my lad if I get a clever chance, I'll give you such a
quiltin as you never had since you were raised from a
seedlin, I vow. So, says I, Mr Bradley, I guess you had
better let me be, you know I cant fight no more than a
cow--I never was brought up to wranglin, and I don't like
it. Haul off the cowardly rascal, they all bawled out,
haul him off, and lay it into him. So he lays right hold
of me by the collar, and gives me a pull, and I lets on
as if I'd lost my balance and falls right down. Then I
jumps up on eend, and says I "go ahead Clay," and the
old horse he sets off a head, so I knew I had him when
I wanted him. Then, says I, I hope you are satisfied now,
Mr Bradley, with that are ungenteel fall you ginn me.
Well, he makes a blow at me, and I dodged it, now, says
I, you'll be sorry for this, I tell you, I wont be treated
this way for nothin, I'll go right off and swear my life
agin you, I'm most afeerd you'll murder me. Well, he
strikes at me agin, (thinkin he had a genuine soft horn
to deal with,) and hits me in the shoulder. Now, says I,
I wont stand here to be lathered like a dog all day long
this fashion, it tante pretty at all, I guess I'll give
you a chase for it. Off I sets arter my horse like mad,
and he arter me, (I did that to get clear of the crowd,
so that I might have fair play at him) Well, I soon found
I had the heels of him, and could play him as I liked.
Then I slackened up a little, and when he came close up
to me, so as nearly to lay his hand upon me, I squatted
right whap down, all short, and he pitched over me near
about a rod or so, I guess, on his head, and plowed up
the ground with his nose, the matter of a foot or two.
If he didn't polish up the coulter, and both mould boards
of his face, its a pity. Now, says I, you had better lay
where you be and let me go, for I am proper tired; I blow
like a horse that's got the heaves; and besides, says I,
I guess you had better wash your face, for I am most a
feared you hurt yourself. That ryled him properly; I
meant that it should; so he ups and at me awful spiteful
like a bull; then I lets him have it, right, left, right,
jist three corkers, beginning with the right hand, shifting
to the left, and then with the right hand agin. This way
I did it, said the Clockmaker, (and he showed me the
manner in which it was done) its a beautiful way of
hitting, and always does the business--a blow for each
eye and one for the mouth. It sounds like ten pounds ten
on a blacksmith's anvil; I bunged up both eyes for him,
and put in the dead lights in two tu's, and drew three
of his teeth, quicker a plaguy sight than the Truro doctor
could, to save his soul alive. Now, says I, my friend,
when you recover your eye-sight I guess you'll see your
mistake--I warnt born in the woods to be scared by an
owl. The next time you feel in a most particular elegant
good humour, come to me and I'll play you the second part
of that identical same tune, that's a fact. With that,
I whistled for old Clay, and back he comes, and I mounted
and off, jist as the crowd came up. The folks looked
staggered, and wondered a little grain how it was done
so cleverly in short metre. If I did'nt quilt him in no
time, you may depend; I went right slap into him, like
a flash of lightning into a gooseberry bush. He found
his suit ready made and fitted afore he thought he was
half measured. Thinks I, friend Bradley, I hope you know
yourself now, for I vow no livin soul would; your swallowed
your soup without singin out scaldins, and your near
about a pint and a half nearer cryin than larfin.
Yes, as I was sayin, this "old Clay" is a real knowin
one, he's as spry as a colt jet, clear grit, ginger to
the back bone; I cant help a thinkin sometimes the breed
must have come from old Kentuck, half horse, half alligator,
with a cross of the airth-quake.
I hope I may be tetotally ruinated, if I'd take eight
hundred dollars for him. Go ahead, you old clinker built
villain, said he, and show the gentleman how wonderful
handSUM you can travel. Give him the real Connecticut
quick step. That's it--that's the way to carry the
President's message to Congress, from Washington to New
York, in no time--that's the go to carry a gall from
Boston to Rhode Island, and trice her up to a Justice to
be married, afore her father's out of bed of a summer's
mornin. Aint he a beauty? a real doll? none of your
Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them, the
more they wont go; but a proper one, that will go free
gratis for nothin, all out of his own head voluntERRILY.
Yes, a horse like "Old Clay," is worth the whole seed,
breed and generation, of them Amherst beasts put together.
He's a horse, every inch of him, stock, lock, and barrel,
is OLD CLAY.