The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot.
I think, said I, this is a happy country, Mr. Slick.
The people are fortunately all of one origin, there are
no national jealousies to divide, and no very violent
politics to agitate them. They appear to be cheerful and
contented, and are a civil, good natured, hospitable
race. Considering the unsettled state of almost every
part of the world, I think I would as soon cast my lot
in Nova-Scotia as in any part I know of. Its a clever
country, you may depend, said be, a very clever country;
full of mineral wealth, aboundin in superior water
privileges and noble harbors, a large part of it prime
land, and it is in the very heart of the fisheries. But
the folks put me in mind of a sect in our country they
call the Grahamites--they eat no meat and no exciting
food, and drink nothin stronger than water. They call
it Philosophy (and that is such a pretty word it has made
fools of more folks than them afore now,) but I call it
tarnation nonsense. I once travelled all through the
State of Maine with one of them are chaps. He was as
thin as a whippin post. His skin looked like a blown
bladder arter some of the air had leaked out, kinder
wrinkled and rumpled like, and his eye as dim as a lamp
that's livin on a short allowance of ile. He put me in
mind of a pair of kitchen tongs, all legs, shaft and
head, and no belly; a real gander gutted lookin critter,
as holler as a bamboo walkin cane, and twice as yaller.
He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a rack at
sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole. He was a lawyer.
Thinks I, the Lord a massy on your clients, you hungry
half starved lookin critter, you, you'll eat em up alive
as sure as the Lord made Moses. You are just the chap to
strain at a goat and swallow a camel, tank, shank and
flank, all at a gulp. Well, when we came to an inn, and
a beef steak was sot afore us for dinner, he'd say: oh
that is too good for me, its too exciting, all fat meat
is diseased meat, give me some bread and cheese. Well,
I'd say, I don't know what you call too good, but it
tante good enough for me, for I call it as tuf as laushong,
and that will bear chawing all day. When I liquidate for
my dinner, I like to get about the best that's goin, and
I ant a bit too well pleased if I don't. Exciting indeed!!
thinks I. Lord, I should like to see you excited, if it
was only for the fun of the thing. What a temptin lookin
critter you'd be among the galls, would'nt you? Why, you
look like a subject the doctor boys had dropped on the
road arter they had dug you up, and had cut stick and
run for it. Well, when tea came, be said the same thing,
it's too exciting, give me some water, do; that's follorin
the law of natur. Well, says I, if that's the case, you
ought to eat beef; why, says he, how do you make out that
are proposition? Why, says I, if drinkin water instead
of tea is natur, so is eatin grass accordin to natur;
now all flesh is grass, we are told, so you had better
eat that and call it vegetable; like a man I once seed
who fasted on fish on a Friday, and when he had none,
whipped a leg o' mutton into the oven, and took it out
fish, says he it's "changed PLAICE," that's all, and
"PLAICE" aint a bad fish. The Catholics fast enough,
gracious knows, but then they fast on a great rousin big
splendid salmon at two dollars and forty cents a pound,
and lots of old Madeira to make it float light on the
stomach; there's some sense in mortifying the appetite
arter that fashion, but plagy little in your way. No,
says I, friend, you may talk about natur as you please,
I've studied natur all my life, and I vow if your natur
could speak out, it would tell you, it don't over half
like to be starved arter that plan. If you know'd as
much about the marks of the mouth as I do, you'd know
that you have carniverous as well as graniverous teeth,
and that natur meant by that, you should eat most any
thing that are door-keeper, your nose, would give a ticket
to, to pass into your mouth. Father rode a race at New
York course, when he was near hand to seventy, and that's
more nor you'll do, I guess, and he eats as hearty as a
turkey cock, and he never confined himself to water
neither, when he could get anything convened him better.
Says he, Sam, grandfather Slick used to say there was an
old proverb in Yorkshire "a full belly makes a strong
back," and I guess if you try it, natur will tell you so
too. If ever you go to Connecticut, jist call into
father's, and he'll give you a real right down genuine
New England breakfast, and if that don't happify your
heart, then my name's not Sam Slick. It will make you
feel about among the stiffest, I tell you. It will blow
your jacket out like a pig at sea. You'll have to shake
a reef or two out of your waistbans and make good stowage,
I guess, to carry it all under hatches. There's nothin
like a good pastur to cover the ribs, and make the hide
shine, depend on't.
Now this Province is like that are Grahamite lawyer's
beef, its too good for the folks that's in it; they either
don't avail its value or wont use it, because work ant
arter their "law of natur." As you say they are quiet
enough (there's worse folks than the Blue Noses, too, if
you come to that,) and so they had ought to be quiet for
they have nothin to fight about. As for politics, they
have nothin to desarve the name, but they talk enough
about it, and a plaguy sight of nonsense they do talk
too. Now with us the country is divided into two parties,
of the mammouth breed, the INS and the OUTS, the
ADMINISTRATION and the OPPOSITION. But where's the
administration here? Where's the war office, the Foreign
Office and the Home Office? where's the Secretary of the
Navy? where the State Bank? where's the Ambassadors and
Diplomatists (them are the boys to wind off a snarl of
ravellins as slick as if it were on a reel) and where's
that Ship of State, fitted up all the way from the
forecastle clean up to the starn post, chock full of good
snug berths, handsumly found and furnished, tier over
tier, one above another, as thick as it can hold? That's
a helm worth handlen, I tell you; I don't wonder that
folks mutiny below and fight on the decks above for it
--it makes a plaguy uproar the whole time, and keeps the
passengers for everlastinly in a state of alarm for fear
they'd do mischif by bustin the byler, a runnin aground,
or gettin foul of some other craft. This Province is
better as it is, quieter and happier far; they have berths
enough and big enough, they should be careful not to
increase 'em; and if they were to do it over agin, perhaps
they'd be as well with fewer. They have two parties here,
the Tory party and the Opposition party, and both on em
run to extremes. Them radicals, says one, are for levelin
all down to their own level, tho' not a peg lower; that's
their gage, jist down to their own notch and no further;
and they'd agitate the whole country to obtain that
object, for if a man can't grow to be as tall as his
neighbor, if he cuts a few inches off him why then they
are both of one heighth. They are a most dangerous,
disaffected people--they are eternally appealin to the
worst passions of the mob. Well, says tother, them
aristocrats, they'll ruinate the country, they spend the
whole revenu on themselves. What with Bankers, Councillors,
Judges, Bishops and Public Officers, and a whole tribe
of Lawyers as hungry as hawks, and jist about as marciful,
the country is devoured as if there was a flock of locusts
a feedin on it. There's nothin left for roads and bridges.
When a chap sets out to canvass, he's got to antagonise
one side or tother. If he hangs on to the powers that
be, then he's a Council man, he's for votin large salaries,
for doin as the great people at Halifax tell him. HE IS
A FOOL. If he is on tother side, a railin at Banks,
Judges, Lawyers and such cattle, and baulin for what he
knows he can't get, then HE IS A ROGUE. So that, if you
were to listen to the weak and noisy critters on both
sides, you'd believe the House of Assembly was ONE HALF
ROGUES AND TOTHER HALF FOOLS. All this arises from
ignorance. IF THEY KNEW MORE OF EACH OTHER, I GUESS THEY'D
LAY ASIDE ONE HALF THEIR FEARS AND ALL THEIR ABUSE. THE
UPPER CLASSES DON'T KNOW ONE HALF THE VIRTUE THAT'S IN
THE MIDDLIN AND LOWER CLASSES; AND THEY DON'T KNOW ONE
HALF THE INTEGRITY AND GOOD FEELIN THAT'S IN THE OTHERS,
AND BOTH ARE FOOLED AND GULLED BY THEIR OWN NOISY AND
DESIGNIN CHAMPIONS. Take any two men that are by the
ears, they opinionate all they hear of each other, impute
all sorts of onworthy motives, and misconstrue every act;
let them see more of each other, and they'll find out to
their surprise, that they have not only been lookin thro'
a magnifyin glass, that warnt very true, but a coloured
one also, that changed the complexion and distorted the
feature, and each one will think tother a very good kind
of chap; and like as not a plaguy pleasant one too.
If I was asked which side was farthest from the mark in
this Province, I vow I should be puzzled to say. As I
don't belong to the country, and don't care a snap of my
finger for either of 'em, I suppose I can judge better
than any man in it, but I snore I dont think there's much
difference. The popular side (I wont say patriotic, for
we find in our steam boats a man who has a plaguy sight
of property in his portmanter, is quite as anxious for
its safety, as him that's only one pair of yarn stockings
and a clean shirt, is for hisn) the popular side are not
so well informed as tother, and they have the misfortin
of havin their passions addressed more than their reason,
therefore they are often out of the way, or rather led
out of it and put astray by bad guides; well, tother side
have the prejudices of birth and education to dim their
vision, and are alarmed to undertake a thing from the
dread of ambush or open foes, that their guides are
etarnally descryin in the mist--AND BESIDE, POWER HAS
A NATERAL TENDENCY TO CORPULENCY. As for them guides,
I'd make short work of 'em if it was me. In the last war
with Britain, the Constitution frigate was close in once
on the shores of Ireland, a lookin arter some marchant
ships, and she took on board a pilot; well, he was a
deep, sly, twistical lookin chap, as you een amost ever
seed. He had a sort of dark down look about him, and a
lear out of the corner of one eye, like a horse that's
goin to kick. The captain guessed he read in his face
"well now, if I was to run this here Yankee right slap
on a rock and bilge her, the King would make a man of me
forever." So, says he to the first leftenant, reeve a
rope thro' that are block at the tip eend of the fore
yard, and clap a runnin nuse in it. The leftenant did it
as quick as wink, and came back, and says he, I guess
it's done. Now says the captain, look here, pilot, here's
a rope you hant seed yet, I'll jist explain the use of
it to you in case you want the loan of it. If this here
frigate, manned with our free and enlightened citizens,
gets aground, I'll give you a ride on the slack of that
are rope, right up to that yard by the neck, by Gum.
Well, it rub'd all the writin out of his face, as quick
as spittin on a slate takes a sum out, you may depend.
Now, they should rig up a crane over the street door of
the State house at Halifax, and when any of the pilots
at either eend of the buildin, run 'em on the breakers
on purpose, string em up like an onsafe dog. A sign of
that are kind, with "a house of public entertainment,"
painted under it, would do the business in less than no
time. If it would'nt keep the hawks out of the poultry
yard, it's a pity--it would scare them out of a year's
growth, that's a fact--if they used it once, I guess they
would'nt have occasion for it agin in a hurry--it would
be like the Aloe tree, and that bears fruit only once in
a hundred years. If you want to know how to act any time,
squire, never go to books, leave them to galls and school
boys; but go right off and cypher it out of natur, that's
a sure guide, it will never deceive you, you may depend.
For instance, "what's that to me," is a phrase so common
that it shows it's a natural one, when people have no
particular interest in a thing. Well, when a feller gets
so warm on either side as never to use that phrase at
all, watch him, that's all! keep your eye on him, or
he'll walk right into you afore you know where you be.
If a man runs to me and says, "your fence is down," thank
you, says I, that's kind--if he comes agin and says, "I
guess some stray cattle have broke into your short sarce
garden," I thank him again; says I, come now, this is
neighborly; but when he keeps etarnally tellin me this
thing of one sarvant, and that thing of another sarvant,
hints that my friends ant true, that my neighbors are
inclined to take advantage of me, and that suspicious
folks are seen about my place, I say to myself, what on
airth makes this critter take such a wonderful interest
in my affairs? I don't like to hear such tales--he's
arter somethin as sure as the world, if he war'nt he'd
say, "What's that to me." I never believe much what I
hear said by a man's VIOLENT FRIEND, or VIOLENT ENEMY,
I want to hear what a disinterested man has to say--now,
as a disinterested man, I say if the members of the House
of Assembly, instead of raisin up ghosts and hobgoblins
to frighten folks with, and to shew what swordsmen they
be, a cuttin and a thrustin at phantoms that only exist
in their own brains, would turn to, heart and hand, and
develope the resources of this fine country, facilitate
the means of transport--promote its internal improvement,
and entourage its foreign trade, they would make it the
richest and greatest, as it now is one of the happiest
sections of all America--I hope I may be skinned if they
would'nt--they would I swan.