Sayings and Doings in Cumberland.
I reckon, said the Clockmaker, as we strolled through
Amherst, you have read Hook's story of the boy that one
day asked one of his father's guests who his next door
neighbor was, and when he heerd his name, asked him if
he warnt a fool. No, my little feller, said he, he beant
a fool, he is a most particular sensible man; but why
did you ax that are question? Why, said the little boy,
mother said tother day you were next door to a fool, and
I wanted to know who lived next door to you. His mother
felt pretty ugly, I guess, when she heerd him run right
slap on that are breaker. Now these Cumberland folks have
curious next door neighbors, too; they are placed by
their location right atwixt fire and water; they have
New Brunswick politics on one side, and Nova Scotia
politics on tother side of them, and Bay Fundy and Bay
Varte on tother two sides; they are actilly in hot water;
they are up to their croopers in politics, and great
hands for talking of House of Assembly, political Unions,
and what not. Like all folks who wade so deep, they can't
always tell the natur of the ford. Sometimes they strike
their shins agin a snag of a rock; at other times they
go whap into a quicksand, and if they don't take special
care they are apt to go souse over head and ears into
deep water. I guess if they'd talk more of ROTATIONS,
and less of ELECTIONS, more of them are DYKES, and less
of BANKS, and attend more to TOP-DRESSING, and lees to
RE-DRESSING, it ed be better for 'em. Now you mention
the subject, I think I have observed, said I, that there
is a great change in your countrymen in that respect.
Formerly, whenever you met an American, you had a dish
of politics set before you, whether you had an appetite
for it or not; but lately I have remarked they seldom
allude to it. Pray to what is this attributable? I guess,
said he, they have enough of it to home, and are sick of
the subject. They are cured the way our pastry cooks cure
their prentices of stealing sweet notions out of their
shops. When they get a new prentice they tell him he must
never so much as look at all them are nice things; and
if he dares to lay the weight of his finger upon one of
them, they'll have him up for it before a justice; they
tell him its every bit and grain as bad as stealing from
a till. Well, that's sure to set him at it, just as a
high fence does a breachy ox, first to look over it, and
then to push it down with its rump; its human natur.
Well, the boy eats and eats till he cant eat no longer,
and then he gets sick at his stomach, and hates the very
sight of sweetmeats arterwards. We've had politics with
us, till we're dog sick of 'em, I tell you. Besides, I
guess we are as far from perfection as when we set out
a roin for it. You may get PURITY OF ELECTION, but how
are you to get PURITY OF MEMBERS? It would take a great
deal of cyphering to tell that. I never see'd it yet,
and never heerd tell of one who had see'd it. The best
member I een amost ever seed was John Adams. Well, John
Adams could no more plough a straight furrow in politics
than he could haul the plough himself. He might set out
straight at beginnin for a little way, but he was sure
to get crooked afore he got to the eend of the ridge--and
sometimes he would have two or three crooks in it. I used
to say to him, how on airth is it, Mr. Adams, (for he
was no way proud like, though he was president of our
great nation--and it is allowed to be the greatest nation
in the world, too--for you might see him sometimes of an
arternoon, a swimmin along with the boys in the Potomac;
I do believe that's the way he larned to give the folks
the dodge so spry;) well, I used to say to him, how on
airth is it, Mr. Adams, you can't make straight work on
it? He was a grand hand at an excuse, (though minister
used to say that folks that were good at an excuse, were
seldom good for nothin else); sometimes, he said, the
ground was so tarnation stony, it throwed the plough out;
at other times he said the off ox was such an ugly wilful
tempered critter, there was no doin nothin with him; or
that there was so much machinery about the plough, it
made it plagy hard to steer; or may be it was the fault
of them that went afore him, that they laid it down so
bad; unless he was hired for another term of four years,
the work wouldn't look well; and if all them are excuses
wouldn't do, why he would take to scolding the nigger
that drove the team--throw all the blame on him, and
order him to have an everlastin lacin with the cowskin.
You might as well catch a weazel asleep as catch him. He
had somethin the matter with one eye--well, he knew I
know'd that when I was a boy; so one day, a feller
presented a petition to him, and he told him it was very
affectin. Says he, it fairly draws tears from me, and
his weak eye took to lettin off its water like statiee
so as soon as the chap went, he winks to me with tother
one, quite knowin, as much as to say, YOU SEE ITS ALL IN
MY EYE, Slick, but don't let on to any one about it, that
I said so. That eye was a regular cheat, a complete New
England wooden nutmeg. Folks said Mr. Adams was a very
tender hearted man. Perhaps he was, but I guess that eye
didn't pump its water out o' that place.
Members in general aint to be depended on, I tell you.
Politics makes a man as crooked as a pack does a pedlar;
not that they are so awful heavy, neither, but it TEACHES
A MAN TO STOOP IN THE LONG RUN. Arter all, there's not
that difference in 'em (at least there aint in Congress)
one would think, for if one of them is clear of one vice,
why, as like as not, he has another fault just as bad.
An honest farmer, like one of these Cumberland folks,
when he goes to choose atwixt two that offers for votes,
is jist like the flying fish. That are little critter is
not content to stay to home in the water, and mind its
business, but he must try his hand at flyin, and he is
no great dab at flyin, neither. Well, the moment he's
out of water, and takes to flyin, the sea fowl are arter
him, and let him have it; and if he has the good luck to
escape them, and makes a dive into the sea, the dolphin,
as like as not, has a dig at him, that knocks more wind
out of him than he got while aping the birds, a plagy
sight. I guess the Blue Noses know jist about as much
about politics as this foolish fish knows about flyin.
All critters in natur are better in their own element.
It beats cock fightin, I tell you, to hear the Blue Noses,
when they get together, talk politics. They have got
three or four evil spirits, like the Irish Banshees, that
they say cause all the mischief in the Province--the
Council, the Banks, the House of Assembly and the Lawyers.
If a man places a higher valiation on himself than his
neighbors do, and wants to be a magistrate before he is
fit to carry the ink horn for one, and finds himself
safely delivered of a mistake, he says it is all owing
to the Council. The members are cunnin critters, too;
they know this feelin, and when they come home from
Assembly, and people ax 'em "where are all them are fine
things you promised us?" why, they say, we'd a had 'em
all for you, but for that etarnal Council, they nullified
all we did. The country will come to no good till them
chaps show their respect for it, by covering their bottoms
with homespun. If a man is so tarnation lazy he wont
work, and in course has no money, why he says its all
owin to the banks, they wont discount, there's no money,
they've ruined the Province. If there beant a road made
up to every citizen's door, away back to the woods (who
as like as not has squatted there) why he says the House
of Assembly have voted all the money to pay great men's
salaries, and there's nothin left for poor settlers, and
cross roads. Well, the lawyers come in for their share
of cake and ale, too; if they don't catch it, its a pity.
There was one Jim Munroe of Onion County, Connecticut,
a desperate idle fellow, a great hand at singin songs,
a skatin, drivin about with the galls, and so on. Well,
if any body's windows were broke, it was Jim Munroe--and
if there were any youngsters in want of a father, they
were sure to be poor Jim's. Jist so it is with the lawyers
here; they stand Godfathers for every misfortune that
happens in the country. When there is a mad dog a goin
about, every dog that barks is said to be bit by the mad
one, so he gets credit for all the mischief that every
dog does for three months to come. So every feller that
goes yelpin home from a court house, smartin from the
law, swears he is bit by a lawyer. Now there may be
something wrong in all these things, (and it cant be
otherwise in natur) in Council, Banks, House of Assembly,
and Lawyers: but change them all, and its an even chance
if you don't get worse ones in their room. It is in
politics as in horses; when a man has a beast that's near
about up to the notch, he'd better not swap him; if he
does, he's een amost sure to get one not so good as his
own. My rule is, I'd rather keep a critter whose faults
I do know, than change him for a beast whose faults I
dont know.