The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax.
The next morning was warmer than several that had preceded
it. It was one of those uncommonly fine days that
distinguish an American autumn. I guess, said Mr. Slick,
the heat to-day is like a glass of Mint Julip, with a
lump of ice in it, it tastes cool and feels warm--its
real good, I tell you; I love such a day as this dearly.
Its generally allowed the finest weather in the world is
in America--there ant the beat of it to be found anywhere.
He then lighted a cigar, and throwing himself back on
his chair, put both feet out of the window, and sat with
his arms folded, a perfect picture of happiness. You
appear, said I, to have travelled over the whole of this
Province, and to have observed the country and the people
with much attention, pray what is your opinion of the
present state and future prospects of Halifax? If you
will tell me, said he, when the folks there will wake
up, then I can answer you, but they are fast asleep; as
to the Province, its a splendid province, and calculated
to go ahead, it will grow as fast as a Varginey gall,
and they grow so amazin fast, if you put your arm round
one of their necks to kiss them, by the time you're done,
they've grown up into women. It's a pretty Province I
tell you, good above and better below; surface covered
with pastures, meadows, woods, and a nation sight of
water privileges, and under the ground full of mines--it
puts me in mind of the soup at the TREE-mont House. One
day I was a walkin in the Mall, and who should I meet
but Major Bradford, a gentleman from Connecticut, that
traded in calves and pumpkins for the Boston market. Says
he, Slick, where do you get your grub to-day? At General
Peep's tavern, says I; only fit for niggers, says he,
why don't you come to the TREE-mont house, that's the
most splendid thing its generally allowed in all the
world. Why, says I, that's a notch above my mark, I guess
it's too plagy dear for me, I cant afford it no how.
Well, says he, its dear in one sense, but its dog cheap
in another--its a grand place for speculation--there's
so many rich southerners and strangers there that have
more money than wit, that you might do a pretty good
business there, without goin out of the street door. I
made two hundred dollars this mornin in little less than
half no time. There's a Carolina Lawyer there, as rich
as a bank, and says he to me arter breakfast, Major, says
he, I wish I knew where to get a real slapping trotter
of a horse, one that could trot with a flash of lightning
for a mile, and beat it by a whole neck or so. Says I,
my Lord, (for you must know, he says he's the nearest
male heir to a Scotch dormant peerage,) my Lord, says I,
I have one a proper sneezer, a chap that can go ahead of
a rail road steamer, a real natural traveller, one that
can trot with the ball out of the small eend of a rifle,
and never break into a gallop. Says he, Major, I wish
you would'nt give me that are nickname, I dont like it,
(though he looked as tickled all the time as possible,)
I never knew says he a lord that warnt a fool, that's a
fact, and that's the reason I don't go ahead and claim
the title. Well, says I, my Lord I dont know, but somehow
I cant help a thinkin, if you have a good claim, you'd
be more like a fool not to go ahead with it. Well, says
he, Lord or no Lord, let's look at your horse. So away
I went to Joe Brown's livery stable, at tother eend of
the city, and picked out the best trotter he had, and no
great stick to brag on either; says I, Joe Brown what do
you ax for that are horse? Two hundred dollars, says he;
well says I, I will take him out and try him, and if I
like him I will keep him. So I shows our Carolina Lord
the horse, and when he gets on him, says I, dont let him
trot as fast as he can, resarve that for a heat; if folks
find out how everlastin fast he is, they'd be afeared to
stump you for a start. When he returned, he said he liked
the horse amazinly, and axed the price; four hundred
dollars, says I, you cant get nothin special without a
good price, pewter cases never hold good watches; I know
it, says he, the horse is mine. Thinks I to myself,
that's more than ever I could say of him then any how.
Well, I was goin to tell you about the soup--says the
Major its near about dinner time, jist come and see how
you like the location. There was a sight of folks there,
gentlemen and ladies in the public room (I never seed so
many afore except at commencement day,) all ready for a
start, and when the gong sounded, off we sott like a
flock of sheep. Well, if there warnt a jam you may
depend--some one give me a pull, and I near abouts went
heels up over head, so I reached out both hands, and
caught hold of the first thing I could, and what should
it be but a lady's dress--well, as I'm alive, rip went
the frock, and tare goes the petticoat, and when I righted
myself from my beam eends, away they all came home to
me, and there she was, the pretty critter, with all her
upper riggin standin as far as her waist, and nothin left
below but a short linen under garment. If she didn't
scream, its a pity, and the more she screamed the more
folks larfed, for no soul could help larfin, till one of
the waiters folded her up in a table cloth. What an
awkward devil you be, Slick, says the Major, now that
comes of not falling in first, they should have formed
four deep, rear rank in open order, and marched in to
our splendid national air, and filed off to their seats
right and left shoulders forward. I feel kinder sorry,
too, says he, for that are young heifer, but she shewed
a proper pretty leg tho' Slick, didn't she--I guess you
don't often get such a chance as that are. Well I gets
near the Major at table, and afore me stood a china
utensil with two handles, full of soup, about the size
of a foot tub, with a large silver scoop in it, near
about as big as a ladle of a maple sugar kettle. I was
jist about bailing out some soup into my dish, when the
Major said fish it up from the bottom, Slick,--well, sure
enough, I gives it a drag from the bottom, and up come
the fat pieces of turtle, and the thick rich soup, and
a sight of little forced meat balls of the size of sheep's
dung. No soul could tell how good it was--it was near
about as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider,
and that you could feel tingle clean away down to the
tip eends of your toes. Now, says the Major, I'll give
you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your horn. Folks aint thought
nothin of unless they live at Treemont: its all the go.
Do you dine at Peep's tavern every day, and then off hot
loot to Treemont, and pick your teeth on the street steps
there, and folks will think you dine there. I do it often,
and it saves two dollars a day. Then he put his finger
on his nose, and says he, "MUM IS THE WORD." Now this
Province is jist like that are soup, good enough at top,
but dip down and you have the riches, the coal, the iron
ore, the gypsum, and what not. As for Halifax, its well
enough in itself, though no great shakes neither, a few
sizeable houses, with a proper sight of small ones, like
half a dozen old hens with their broods of young chickens;
but the people, the strange critters, they are all asleep.
They walk in their sleep, and talk in their sleep, and
what they say one day they forget the next, they say they
were dreaming. You know where Governor Campbell lives,
don't you, in a large stone house with a great wall round
it, that looks like a state prison; well, near hand there
is a nasty dirty horrid lookin buryin ground there--its
filled with large grave rats as big as kittens, and the
springs of black water there, go through the chinks of
the rocks and flow into all the wells, and fairly pyson
the folks--its a dismal place, I tell you--I wonder the
air from it don't turn all the silver in the Gineral's
house of a brass color, (and folks say he has four cart
loads of it) its so everlastin bad--its near about as
nosey as a slave ship of niggers. Well you may go there
and shake the folks to all etarnity and you wont wake
em, I guess, and yet there ant much difference atween
their sleep and the folks at Halifax, only they lie still
there and are quiet, and don't walk and talk in their
sleep like them above ground.
Halifax reminds me of a Russian officer I once seed at
Warsaw; he had lost both arms in battle: but I guess I
must tell you first why I went there, cause that will
show you how we speculate. One Sabbath day, after bell
ringin, when most of the women had gone to meetin (for
they were great hands for pretty sarmons, and our Unitarian
ministers all preach poetry, only they leave the ryme
out, it sparkles like perry,) I goes down to East India
wharf to see Captain Zeek Hancock, of Nantucket, to
enquire how oil was, and if it it would bear doing any
thing in; when who should come along but Jabish Green.
Slick, says he, how do you do; isn't this as pretty a
day as you'll see between this and Norfolk; it whips
English weather by a long chalk; and then he looked down
at my watch seals, and looked and looked as if he thought
I'd stole 'em. At last he looks up, and says he, Slick,
I suppose you would'nt go to Warsaw, would you, if it
was made worth your while? Which Warsaw? says I, for I
believe in my heart we have a hundred of them. None of
ourn at all, says he; Warsaw in Poland. Well, I don't
know, says I; what do you call worth while? Six dollars
a day, expenses paid, and a bonus of one thousand dollars,
if speculation turns out well. I am off, says I, whenever
you say go. Tuesday, says he, in the Hamburgh packet.
Now, says he, I'm in a tarnation hurry; I'm goin a
pleasurin to-day in the Custom House Boat, along with
Josiah Bradford's galls down to Nahant. But I'll tell
you what I am at: the Emperor of Russia has ordered the
Poles to cut off their queues on the 1st of January; you
must buy them all up, and ship them off to London for
the wig makers. Human hair is scarce and risin. Lord a
massy! says I, how queer they will look, wont they.
Well, I vow, that's what the sea folks call sailing UNDER
BARE POLES, come true, aint it? I guess it will turn out
a good spec, says he; and a good one it did turn out--
he cleared ten thousand dollars by it. When I was at
Warsaw, as I was a sayin, there was a Russian officer
there who had lost both his arms in battle; a good natured
contented critter, as I een amost ever see'd, and he was
fed with spoons by his neighbors, but arter awhile they
grew tired of it, and I guess he near about starved to
death at last. Now Halifax is like that are SPOONEY, as
I used to call him; it is fed by the outports, and they
begin to have enough to do to feed themselves--it must
larn to live without 'em. They have no river, and no
country about them; let them make a rail road to Minas
Basin, and they will have arms of their own to feed
themselves with. If they don't do it, and do it soon, I
guess they'll get into a decline that no human skill will
cure. They are proper thin now; you can count their ribs
een a most as far as you can see them. The only thing
that will either make or save Halifax, is a rail road
across the country to Bay of Fundy.
It will do to talk of, says one; you'll see it some day
says another; yes, says a third, it will come, but we
are too young yet. Our old minister had a darter, a real
clever lookin gall as you'd see in a day's ride, and she
had two or three offers of marriage from sponsible
men--most particular good specs--but minister always said
'Phoebe, you are too young--the day will come--but you
are too young yet dear.' Well, Phoebe did'nt think so at
all; she said she guessed she knew better nor that: so
the next offer she had, she said she had no notion to
lose another chance--off she sot to Rhode Island and got
married; says she, father's too old, he don't know. That's
jist the case at Halifax. The old folks say the country
is too young--the time will come, and so on; and in the
mean time the young folks won't wait, and run off to the
States, where the maxim is, 'youth is the time for
improvement; a new country is never too young for
exertion--push on--keep movin--go ahead.' Darn it all,
said the Clockmaker, rising with great animation, clinching
his fist, and extending his arm--darn it all, it fairly
makes my dander rise, to see the nasty idle loungin good
for nothin do little critters--they aint fit to tend a
bear trap, I vow. They ought to be quilted round and
round a room, like a lady's lap dog, the matter of two
hours a day, to keep them from dyin of apoplexy. Hush,
hush, said I, Mr. Slick, you forget. Well, said he,
resuming his usual composure--well, it's enough to make
one vexed though, I declare--is'nt it?
Mr. Slick has often alluded to this subject, and always
in a most decided manner; I am inclined to think he is
right. Mr. Howe's papers on the rail road I read till I
came to his calculations, but I never could read figures,
'I can't cypher,' and there I paused; it was a barrier:
I retreated a few paces, took a running leap, and cleared
the whole of them. Mr. Slick says he has UNDER and not
OVER rated its advantages. He appears to be such a shrewd,
observing, intelligent man, and so perfectly at home on
these subjects, that I confess I have more faith in this
humble but eccentric Clockmaker, than in any other man
I have met with in this Province. I therefore pronounce
'there will be a rail road.'