The Dancing Master Abroad.
I wish that are black heifer in the kitchen would give
over singing that are everlastin dismal tune, said the
Clockmaker, it makes my head ache. You've heerd a song
afore now, said he, hav'nt you, till you was fairly sick
of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was in Rhode
Island, (all the galls sing there, and its generally
allowed there's no such singers any where; they beat the
EYE-talians a long chalk--they sing so high some on em,
they go clear out o' hearin sometimes, like a lark) well,
you heerd nothin but 'Oh no, we never mention her,' well,
I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to myself,
I'd sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow, I wish
to gracious you 'would never mention her,' for it makes
me feel ugly to hear that same thing for ever and ever
and amen that way. Well, they've got a cant phrase here,
'the schoolmaster is abroad,' and every feller tells you
that fifty times a day. There was a chap said to me not
long ago, at Truro, Mr. Slick, this Country is rapidly
improving, 'the schoolmaster is abroad now,' and he looked
as knowin as though he had found a mate's nest. So I
should think, said I, and it would jist be about as well,
I guess, if he'd stay to home and mind his business, for
your folks are so consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he's
abroad een amost all his time. I hope when he returns,
he'll be the better of his travels, and that's more nor
many of our young folks are who go 'abroad,' for they
import more airs and nonsense, than they dispose of one
while, I tell you--some of the stock remains on hand all
the rest of their lives. There's nothin I hate so much
as cant, of all kinds, its a sure sign of a tricky
disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion, clap
your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your
puss, or he'll steal it as sure as you're alive; and if
a man cant in politics, he'll sell you if he gets a
chance, you may depend. Law and physic are jist the same,
and every mite and morsel as bad. If a lawyer takes to
cantin, its like the fox preachin to the geese, he'll
eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to
it, he's a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have massy
on you, for he wont. I'd sooner trust my chance with a
naked hook any time, than one that's half covered with
bad bait. The fish will sometimes swaller the one, without
thinkin, but they get frightened at tother, turn tail
and off like a shot. Now, to change the tune, I'll give
the Blue Noses a new phrase. They'll have an election
most likely next year, and then 'the dancin master will
be abroad.' A candidate is a most particular polite man,
a noddin here, and a bowin there, and a shakin hands all
round. Nothin improves a man's manners like an election.
'The dancin master's abroad then;' nothin gives the paces
equal to that, it makes them as squirmy as an eel, they
cross hands and back agin, set to their partners and
right and left in great style, and slick it off at the
eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the
world as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then
they get as full of compliments as a dog is full of
fleas--enquirin how the old lady is to home, and the
little boy that made such a wonderful smart answer, they
never can forget it till next time; a praisin a man's
farm to the nines, and a tellin of him, how scandalous
the road that leads to his location has been neglected,
and how much he wants to find a real complete hand that
can build a bridge over his brook, and axin him if HE
ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the
right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of
water arter it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the
reel, and takes leave, a thinkin to himself 'now you see
what's to the eend of my line, I guess I'll know where
to find you when I want you.'
There's no sort of fishin requires so much practice as
this. When bait is scarce one worm must answer for several
fish. A handful of oats in a pan, arter it brings one
horse up in a pastur for the bridle, serves for another,
a shakin of it, is better than a givin of it, it saves
the grain for another time. It's a poor business arter
all is electioneering, and when 'the Dancin Master is
abroad,' he's as apt to teach a man to cut capers and
get larfed at as any thing else. It tante every one that's
soople enough to dance real complete. Politicks take a
great deal of time, and grinds away a man's honesty near
about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust, 'it
takes its steel out.' What does a critter get arter all
for it in this country, why nothin but expense and
disappointment. As King Solomon says, (and that are man
was up to a thing or two, you may depend, tho' our
professor did say he warn't so knowin as Uncle Sam,) it's
all vanity and vexation of spirit.
I raised a four year old colt once, half blood, a perfect
pictur of a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop
like the wind; a real daisy, a perfect doll, had an eye
like a weasel, and nostril like Commodore Rodgers's
speakin trumpet. Well, I took it down to the races at
New York, and father he went along with me; for says he,
Sam, you don't know every thing, I guess, you hant cut
your wisdom teeth yet, and you are goin among them that's
had 'em through their gums this while past. Well, when
we gets to the races, father he gets colt and puts him
in an old waggon, with a worn out Dutch harness, and
breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that's a fact. Then
he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the
girths atwixt his fore legs. Says I, father, what on
airth are you at? I vow I feel ashamed to be seen with
such a catamaran as that, and colt looks like old Saytan
himself--no soul would know him. I guess I warn't born
yesterday, says he, let me be, I know what I am at. I
guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done as slick as
a whistle. I guess I can see as far into a mill stone
as the best on 'em. Well, father never entered the horse
at all, but stood by and see'd the races, and the winnin
horse was followed about by the matter of two or three
thousand people, a praisin of him and admirin him. They
seemed as if they never had see'd a horse afore. The
owner of him was all up on eend a boastin of him, and a
stumpin the course to produce a horse to run agin him
for four hundred dollars. Father goes up to him, lookin
as soft as dough, and as meechin as you please, and says
he, friend, it tante every one that has four hundred
dollars--its a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would
you run for one hundred dollars, and give me a little
start? if you would, I'd try my colt out of my old waggon
agin you, I vow. Let's look at your horse, says he; so
away they went, and a proper sight of people arter them
to look at colt, and when they see'd him they sot up such
a larf, I felt een a most ready to cry for spite. Says
I to myself; what can possess the old man to act arter
that fashion, I do believe he has taken leave of his
senses. You need'nt larf, says Father, he's smarter than
he looks; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack, is
reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our
location, and that are colt can beat him for a lick of
a quarter of a mile quite easy--I see'd it myself. Well,
they larfed agin louder than before, and says father, if
you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you give?
Two to one, says the owner--800 to 400 dollars. Well,
that's a great deal of money, aint it, says father, if
I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish, would'nt I.
How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home
again. You would'nt take that are waggon and harness
for fifty dollars of it, would you? says he. Well, says
the other, sooner than disappoint you, as you seem to
have set your mind on losing your money, I don't care if
I do.
As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the
stables, and then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket
handkerchief tied round his head, and colt a looking like
himself as proud as a nabob, chock full of spring like
the wire eend of a bran new pair of trowser galluses--one
said that's a plaguy nice lookin colt that old feller
has arter all, that horse will show play for it yet, says
a third; and I heard one feller say, I guess that's a
regular Yankee trick, a complete take in. They had a
fair start for it, and off they sot, father took the lead
and kept it, and won the race, tho' it was a pretty tight
scratch, for father was too old to ride colt, he was near
about the matter of seventy years old. Well when the colt
was walked round after the race, there was an amasin
crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says
father, how am I to get home without him, and what shall
I do with that are waggon and harness so far as I be from
Slickville. So he kept them in talk, till he felt their
pulses pretty well, and at last he closed with a Southerner
for 700 dollars, and we returned, having made a considerable
good spec of colt. Says father to me, Sam says he, you
seed the crowd a follerin the winnin horse, when we came
there, did'nt you? yes Sir, said I, I did. Well, when
colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come a
crowded about HIM. That's popularity, said he, soon won,
soon lost--cried up sky high one minute, and deserted
the next or run down; colt will share the same fate.
He'll get beat afore long, and then he's done for. The
multitude are always fickle minded. Our great Washington
found that out, and the British officer that beat
Bounaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he
got half through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened
afore it ran right back to lye and grease agin. I was
sarved the same way, I liked to have missed my pension,
the Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill at all, the
villans. That was a Glo---, (thinks I, old boy, if you
once get into that are field, you'll race longer than
colt, a plaguy sight; you'll run clear away to the fence
to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in and took
a hand myself,) yes, says I, you did 'em father, properly,
that old waggon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till
you got 'em on the right spot, did'nt it? Says father,
THERE'S A MORAL SAM, IN EVERY THING IN NATUR. Never have
nothin to do with elections, you see the valy of popularity
in the case of that are horse--sarve the public 999 times,
and the 1,000th, if they don't agree with you, they desart
and abuse you--see how they sarved old John Adams, see
how they let Jefferson starve in his old age, see how
good old Munroe like to have got right into Jail, after
his term of President was up. They may talk of independence,
says father, but Sam, I'll tell you what independence
is, and he gave his hands a slap agin his trowses pocket,
and made the gold eagles he won at the race all jingle
agin; THAT, says he, giving them another wipe with his
fist, (and winkin as much as to say do you hear that my
boy) THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE. He was in great spirits,
the old man, he was so proud of winnin the race, and
puttin the leake into the New Yorkers--he looked all
dander. Let them great hungry, ill favored, long legged
bitterns, says he, (only he called them by another name
that don't sound quite pretty) from the outlandish states
to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but Sam, said he,
(hitting the Shiners agin till be made them dance right
up an eend in his pocket) I LIKE TO FEEL IT.
No Sam, said be, line the pocket well first, make that
independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse
turned out to grass in the spring, for the first time,
he's all head and tail, a snortin and kickin and racin
and carryin on like mad--it soon gets independent too.
While it's in the stall it may hold up, and paw, and
whiner, and feel as spry as any thing, but the leather
strap keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the
eend of it makes it hold down its head at last. No, says
he, here's independence, and he gave the Eagles such a
drive with his fist, he bust his pocket and sent a whole
raft of them a spinnin down his leg to the ground--says
I, father, (and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin,
he looked so peskily vexed) Father, says I, I guess
there's a moral in that are too--EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE
NONE O' THE BEST. Well, well, says he, (kinder snappishly)
I suppose you're half right, Sam, but weve said enough
about it, let's drop the subject, and see if I have picked
em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm near
hand to seventy.