_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."
* * *
_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we
all getting married?"
* * *
_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."
_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married
_years_ ago."
* * *
"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
yer does a bit o' work for it."
* * *
_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the
afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"
_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
week."
_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again
this afternoon."
* * *
_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you
weren't in the habit of attending church."
_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
Sundays."
* * *
"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."
"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"
* * *
_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
broke me jaw already."
* * *
_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
fellow too."
_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"
* * *
_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
very bad, dear?"
_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."
* * *
_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"
_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."
_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
* * *
_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
father with quite the proper respect."
_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
* * *
_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _éclair?_"
_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."
_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
that help?"
_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
the space at the wrong end."
* * *
_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"
_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
his birthday."
_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"
_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
author's compliments.'"
* * *