well rewarded for taking it up. I was very lively all day; but in the
afternoon was suddenly tempted to lightness; so were all of us who
afterwards met in band; but the temptation soon fled away. My soul is
alive to God, and only longs to fathom more of the depths of humble
love.
Monday 22. My soul’s desire this day has been, to sink down into the
depth of humility. I see my helplessness, and feel the want of my
Redeemer’s merits every moment. But how often does my own will present
itself! Yet it prevails nothing. I want to be always as clay in the
hands of the potter, and to be all moulded into love! As far as I know,
I do love the Lord with all my heart. But I want to have all vain
reasonings destroyed.
Saturday, January 3, 1767. I was greatly blessed to-night, in a weeping
state, and mourned before the Lord for the sins of others. Yet at some
times, quickness presented itself, but only as a flying cloud. I found
a great reverence to-night, while I said, Our Father. May this awful
sense of his Majesty rest upon me, wheresoever I go!
Thursday 8. I was tempted to think lightly of my husband, as if he was
always asking, but not watching. I was much disordered in body, which
weighed down my mind when I waited on the Lord in private. But, on
reading the second chapter of _Zechariah_, my soul revived greatly: and
I had a lively sense of his sparing mercy; but still more, in talking
with a dear friend. I could then see, what a sinner I had been in times
past, in wishing for my own will; and could bless the Lord, that not
my will, but his, had taken place. O, may a due sense of the love and
mercies of God be ever engraven on my heart!
Tuesday 13. Glory be to God for shewing me, I had done amiss, in
reproving my husband before company, and for giving me to be humbled
on the account, and to acknowledge my fault. And blessed be God for
the Christian conversation we have had together this evening, wherein
we have seen, what advantage Satan had gained over us in time past. We
had power to speak to one another with all freedom, of the state of our
souls; and I trust this will be the beginning of happy days between us.
Sunday 18. Blessed be God, I have to-day found much life and light in
my soul at church. And I had a solemn time, in accompanying the relicks
of sister _Harris_ to the grave. We fulfilled our promise, in singing
her body to church, as we did her soul to glory. I was afterwards
tempted both to lightness and to impatience; but I bless God, I remain
in peace and love. My desire is, to know myself as I am known of God,
and to live no longer than I live to him.
*Friday 23. Glory be to God, though the enemy rages, I enjoy a calm
peace in my soul. But this evening I found little power to pray. I
believe it was owing to disorder of body. Yesterday I kept my bed all
day. I am still much indisposed. But I was much delighted with the
amiableness of Christ. And I saw the great need we have of him, and
shall have, when we stand naked before God. I saw the worth of Christ
exceedingly, and loathed myself and all my own performances: yet being
persuaded, that neither life, nor death, nor things present, nor things
to come, should ever separate me from his love.
Tuesday, February 3. I have been confined to my bed by a fever, from
Saturday till to-day. I found not much joy, but patience and peace, and
sweet tranquility of mind: especially when sister _Pearce_ prayed with
me. I found a longing desire to see some of my other sisters. But, when
one of them came, I could not speak to her at first, I was so overcome
with joy. The Lord blessed us in the afternoon also, when Mr. _Storey_
prayed with us. Glory be to his holy name, for christian conversation;
and for all the other helps we enjoy, to make our calling and election
sure.
Monday 23. All yesterday and to-day, I have been much disordered by
the cholic. At six this evening I bowed before God in prayer, and gave
myself up to him. I then resolved to try, whether I could not go to the
preaching. I went, and was better after it than before. While I was in
strong pain, the enemy thrust sore at me: But I did not give place to
him for a moment. Blessed be God for a tender conscience! I find, if
ever I speak a word unawares; if it is not right, I see it immediately,
and am grieved that I was not more on my guard. Lord, help me to watch
and pray every moment, that all my words may be to edification!
Monday, March 2. Blessed be God, for the love I have felt yesterday
and to-day, under the preaching of Mr. _Haim_. O may it sink deep in
my heart, and spring up into eternal life! I find Satan is continually
tempting; but he has no success. I want to be more of a child-like
spirit; to live more in Christ, and always near to God.
Thursday 5. My husband and maid both being sick, my body has been much
exercised this week. But, glory be to God, I have enjoyed constant
peace, and many blessed refreshings. Nor have I found one anxious
thought concernings their living or dying.
Sunday 15. God was pleased this week to afflict my body with sickness.
I mostly kept my bed. Sometimes I had doubts. Is it not, because I
do not speak more to my poor mother? Or because I have taken too much
upon me, in being leader of a band? But these doubts did not trouble
me so much as the close reflections I had from my husband. Twice I wept
concerning it; but then I thought, _the sorrow of the world worketh
death_. I looked to the Lord, and he delivered me. And I said to him,
Shall I one day see thy face, without a veil between? And shall I
stand at thy right hand, in the great day of accounts? And how clear an
assurance of it did he give me! I find earnest desires to drink deeper
of his Spirit, that I may be always the same, all of a-piece at all
times and in all places, and may have a solemn awe resting upon me, in
business and company, especially among professors of religion.
Thursday 25. I was much grieved this evening at the stubbornness of
my child. Lord, bless the correction, and give her thy grace, whatever
thou with-holdest from her! And help me to discharge my duty toward my
children, in this and in all things.
Thursday, April 2. I saw more than ever the necessity of simply
following my blessed Lord: And the great need of grace rather than
gifts; although gifts also are great blessings. Lord, on whomsoever
they are bestowed, may they beg thy aid, to use them singly to thy
glory. I find an encreasing zeal for God and his people. I long to live
more to God, and to have less to do with the world; and am sometimes
tempted against my husband, for incumbring himself so much with it. Yet
I am thankful to God for these outward blessings: But my whole aim is,
to be more devoted to God.
Wednesday 8. I want to have every thought brought into obedience to
Christ: And to feel continually the awful sense of the presence of the
great God! I have had a thankful and a melting heart, to think what
blessed helps my children have in their tender years; and indeed, in
looking back on my own life, and on the blessed showers of grace, which
God has poured upon me, from time to time, in christian conversation.
Lord, give me a thankful heart, and fulfil in me all the good pleasure
of thy will!
Monday 20. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, and that I still
find, God is a God of love. My desire is, to begin now; to live this
moment, and believe for the next. I have been for some time confined
to my bed, and am still confined to my room. But all is well, while I
am enabled, in every state, to be content. I have had a week of close
trials and temptations; but of deep consolations likewise. But I see
I am still short in bearing all things, and in discerning the enemy’s
first approach. Yet glory be to thy great and holy name, for what I do
enjoy. O help me to prize thy blessings more, and to believe and love
to the end!
Sunday 26. In the morning, before I rose, wandering thoughts were
thrown into my mind. I begged the Lord to give me power to drive them
out; and he heard my prayer. He gave me likewise a thankful heart, to
think how richly he had provided for me, in temporals (while so many
were in pressing want) as well as in spirituals: I could not help
weeping before the Lord, and asking, “Why me, or mine? Why hast thou
given _me_ this composure of mind, more desirable than all this world?
Lord, give me to press after more inward solitude, and keep and water
me every moment!”
Sunday, May 3. Glory be to thy great and holy name, for all thy
blessings and mercies: But above all, for my dear Jesus: I feel
the value of his blood and merits more than ever. I find myself all
weakness and helplessness: his blood is all my plea. Through this I
enjoy great peace of mind; although much indisposed in body. But I
have been in doubt what to do. I said, about a year before I found
peace with God, that I would not eat any more flesh suppers, except
I was with child. But, as my present disorder was thought to require
it, I eat this evening a little of a calf’s foot. Lord, keep me from
scrupulous fears after it: Let not the enemy accuse me for it. Help me
in this, and all things, to extol thy love and guardian care.
Monday 25. Glory be to God for new desires to serve him: Lord, encrease
them every moment; and enable me to put in practice every desire,
and every resolution, which is to thy glory! Let me never be weary of
well-doing; but endure to the end, that no man take my crown!
Sunday, June 14. To-day I was at the house of mourning, at sister
_Pearce_’s, whose child was near death. It was an happy time. While
we read the experience of some departed saints, the Lord showered down
his love upon us. After the boy died, I thought, Who can tell, what
a blessed convoy surrounded us, although unseen by mortal eyes? And
I had strong faith, that, through the blood of the Lamb, I should one
day meet the saints above. I found also great faith for the welfare
of Zion, and hope that the Lord would soon build her up. In my late
indisposition, I found little activity and little power to pray. And
I found the enemy taking every occasion to tempt me: But there was
nothing in me to side with the temptation. Glory be to God for pure
love! Glory be to Jesus Christ, my Lord! O continue to reign supreme
Lord over every motion of my soul!
Thursday 25. Blessed be God, I enjoy a steddy peace, and evenness of
mind. But illness weighs down my body and soul, so that I am not active
in the service either of God or man. I found my own spirit very near
in reproving: But I looked to the Lord, and was saved. And I was kept
in a great measure from reasoning. On the closest examination, I found
nothing but love in my heart. But I long to have all that mind which
was in Christ Jesus my Lord!
Monday, July 6. At night, after I was in bed, I found my mind wander
after distant things. I found it hard to fix my mind on the Lord
only; but, glory to him, the fountain is still open. I have been much
better in body to-day, and have been able to pour out my soul to God,
more freely than for some time past. Indeed for some time I have had
little life in prayer: But, blessed be God, he even then gave me power,
which I had not, when I could rejoice to go to prayer, and found it
sweet to my taste. He only knows, what is best for us. And when I
was tried to-day, he gave me a meek and quiet spirit. But I believe I
spoke afterward more than was necessary; yet, blessed be God, without
condemnation.
Saturday 11. At a funeral, I was much tempted to look at those who were
still in their sins, and to prefer myself before them. But presently
it came, _Who maketh thee to differ?_ For a moment I sunk almost into
despair. But I thought on the love of God, and received comfort. So
busy is the enemy, first to lift us up, and then to cast us down.
Tuesday, August 4. Glory be to God, in the midst of trials, I was as
calm as if I was out of the body. In the evening, while I was earnest
in private prayer, I felt as it were a dart shot through me. I started
a little, but still kept calling upon God, till I was more than
conqueror.
Saturday 8. This evening I was obliged to speak on behalf of the
injured. And I thought it my duty to speak sharply, though still in
love and meekness. I found love for God and his cause constrained me
so to speak: For I hate every thing that would dishonour him.
Sunday, September 9. I was closely tried from a near quarter: But I was
kept in peace. I wept to myself, to think of the sore bondage sin had
brought upon them who are under the power of it. It gave me to see the
uncertainty of all things but the love of Christ.
Sunday 29. I was disturbed soon after midnight, and again a little
before day. I did not wake any more, till almost six. I was grieved to
be disappointed of the preaching, and yet contented, seeing there was
no will of my own in the omission of it. All this day I had a solemn
time. My soul enjoyed peace and tranquillity, and I found it good, to
leave the things of time behind, and to wait simply upon God.
Thursday, October 1. When the select society met, I was much tired,
and very heavy. But the Lord was pleased to bless others in a glorious
manner. Immediately it was suggested, “This is false fire: or why
am not _I_ affected!” I begged the Lord, to answer for himself. And,
before we parted, I had the petition I asked of him, and was refreshed
both in soul and body.
Saturday 3. Being much disordered in body, I was obliged to lie down.
I dreamed I was exhorting some people of note, in an exceeding solemn
manner. And I was so happy in God, that I afterward felt the good
effect of it, even upon my body. Yet, in the end, methought I was
tempted to lightness. See how Satan besets us sleeping and waking!
Tuesday 6. I had strong desires to be filled with God, and I find faith
that I shall; that I shall be entirely devoted to God, and that every
moment. My heart is more enlarged in love to all mankind, particularly
to my brethren; and I have power to cover their faults with love, and
to pray for them. Blessed be God, that his work is spreading among
us: More and more are brought to the knowledge of God: And many are
going from house to house, to call upon God and tell of his goodness.
It is no wonder therefore that Satan rages: But I trust he will be
disappointed of his hope. The Lord make us faithful, and keep us every
moment watching unto prayer!
Sunday 18. Glory be to God, I find the fruits of the Spirit encreasing;
particularly by means of private prayer. Indeed the enemy thrusts sore
at me therein, striving to make me afraid, till I sometimes cry out,
“Shall I be afraid to thank and praise my God?” He then presently flies,
and immediately the Lord showers down his blessings upon me.
Though I have been kept by sickness from the public means, this has
been a sabbath of rest to my soul. I had a solemn, peaceable time in
reading, and a glorious time in private prayer, between five and six.
And in the evening, the Lord poured his grace on my heart, as the dew
upon the tender herb. I never saw so much of his greatness before. Lord,
fill me with this awful sense of thy majesty, and let me be kept every
moment in that silent heaven of love!
Sunday, November 1. I have kept my bed for some days, being much
disordered in body. But, glory be to God, he has many times refreshed
my soul with his love: particularly, when I have been favoured with
the company of his dear children. When they called upon him in prayer,
he was pleased to hear, and answer even while they were calling. In
general, I have found calm composure of spirit, a deliverance from my
own will, patience and resignation to the will of God, and power in
the hour of temptation. But I want more strength of faith and love; for
I find the enemy is always watching. And sometimes he comes very near,
striving to sow the evil seed again. But, glory be to God, he has saved
me yet, though sometimes I have been scarcely saved: So that I see I
must live this moment to God, and watch and look to my dear Lord every
moment.
Monday 2. When I waked, my husband soon began talking to me about
worldly business. It was lawful, but I quickly found it was not
expedient: For I had not so much power to pray as usual. But, in the
evening, blessed be God, I waited upon him in a sweet, calm peace, at
the preaching. Only I found a little reasoning, “What if I should fall
in labour?” But it was quickly removed: And though my body failed a
little, yet I was freer from wandrings than I ever was for a long time.
Thursday 5. The Lord does still bless me and keep me; but I come short
of what I desire to be. In the morning I find strong desires to be
wholly devoted to God in every thing. But in the evening, I find I have
still come short, though without condemnation and fear. Blessed be God,
I am kept from inordinate sorrow for my dear friend’s illness. Lord,
prepare me for the same hour. And, if it be thy blessed will, rebuke
the disorder, and raise her up, for the good of her family, and of thy
people.
Sunday 8. The Lord was pleased to call her to himself. The day before
she seemed much better. But in the evening she fell worse again, and
this morning, about nine, departed. When word came of this, I was not
shocked at first; but in a while I began to reason on what had passed
between us the evening before. She then said, “When death seemed nigh
some nights since, the enemy thrust sore at me, and said, This will be
thy end: But I said, Not without God’s permission: He can bring me down
to the belly of hell, and bring me up again, as he did _Jonah_ out of
the whale’s belly. But it is one thing to talk of death, and another
to have it brought home to us.” Then her husband, and children, and
friends came near, and sorrow seemed to overwhelm her. But she said,
“God is able to bless and keep them, without me, if he is pleased to
take me. And if he is pleased to spare me, I can do nothing for them,
without the Lord.” When I reflected upon these things, not watching
unto prayer, I was quickly encompassed with a flood of temptations:
So that I never remember to have passed such a night, since I knew the
goodness of God. I could not sleep till six in the morning. But, glory
be God, I had peace at the bottom, and continued striving with all my
might. About Monday noon I found ease, and at five in the evening, I
could wait upon the Lord without distraction. On Tuesday I had such a
sweet and resigned will as I scarce ever had before. I was much taken
up with the blessedness of heaven, and had no doubt but I should be
there; but had no will of my own to die or live, only as the Lord
should please, and not one reluctant thought concerning the leaving of
my friends or family. I lay quite passive in the hands of my dear Lord.
O may he ever keep me so!
_Mary Pearce_ was a woman of good sense, which, mixed with grace, was
exceeding amiable. She had great light as to the spiritual life, could
see the state of our souls, and set them before us as clear as the
sun. She was of a spirit that sympathized with every one, both in their
temporal and spiritual trials. Indeed her own life was a life of trials;
which, she always said, was best for her, and no more than was needful
to keep her from pride, and to break her stubborn will. But she bore
all her trials with sweetness of temper, and never mentioned them
but to a near friend. She was a dutiful child, a tender parent, an
affectionate wife, and a faithful friend. May I tread in her steps,
and follow the example of her patience to the end!
Friday, December 18. I am much burthened in body, and confined by
reason of my burthen. Yet, blessed be God, I have patience to bear
it, and tarry his leisure. I have been much tempted to an angry zeal,
against some of my unconverted relations. But I saw the snare, and was
delivered. Sometimes it is a cross to go to private prayer: but I still
have peace and love. In meeting my band, I saw and felt my weakness
very much. Yet the Lord blessed us, while we called upon him. Lord,
bless me in the approaching hour of trial. Bless what is formed in
me, and, if it live in this world; may it be devoted to thy service.
Sanctify her sickness to my child, that is now under thy correcting
hand. Prepare her for life or for death: and may I, and all my dear
children meet at thy right-hand.
Sunday 27. I see more and more, that every thing I receive, is for the
sake of my dear Lord, and that I always want his precious blood, to
wash and keep me clean. Blessed be his name for faith in him. I find
his light discovers darkness more and more. It is a great thing to come
empty to God. Lord, help me to come wholly out of myself, to come to
thee, as at first I came, and to return to thee all thou givest me. And
help me in the approaching trial, to glorify thy great and holy name,
either by life, or by death. To me, to live be Christ, and to die be
gain.
Wednesday 30. Though I was greatly burthened in body, I enjoyed
much peace of mind. But I was desirous, that those who had so highly
dishonoured God should be openly expelled from us. Lord, lay thy mighty
hand upon them, and sink them into deep repentance, that they may cry
mightily to God, that he may enable them to return to him, from whom
they have so deeply revolted.
Friday, January 1, 1768. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies
to me, in the year that is past. Thanks be to God and the Lamb, that
he has given me to see the beginning of another year. Whatever time I
live, may I live more to his glory, than ever I have done heretofore!
Saturday 2. This day has been a day of faith, and peace, and love:
and my soul has been much drawn out in prayer. Now let me expect fresh
trials, after such a shower of blessings.
Sunday 3. Though I am still confined from the outward means, which
are highly desirable, yet, blessed be God, I find him present with me,
keeping my soul in perfect peace. But I doubt I spoke more words to-day
than were to the glory of God. O let the blood of thy Son, Jesus Christ,
still cleanse me from all sin!
Sunday 10. Though much disordered in body, I enjoyed much peace and
love in my soul. I calmly expect the Lord to deliver me of the fruit of
my womb. But I do not find any will, but to glorify God; either by life
or by death.
Sunday 17. Many times I have not power to speak: but, blessed be God, I
find much thankfulness for all his mercies. My desires are still strong
for God and his work, and I find an increase of peace and patience.
In meeting my band, and in family prayer, he blessed us in an uncommon
manner. But the more blessings I receive from him, the more I see and
feel of my own weakness.
*Saturday 23. When the Lord opens my hand, to relieve the want of any
of his poor creatures, I find still there is need to cry to him, that I
may give him all the glory. Blessed be his name, my own spirit is dying
daily. Yet I sometimes find it a cross to go to private prayer; but so
much the more am I blest therein. And the Lord greatly blessed us in
family prayer, when I earnestly called upon him, to come and destroy
inbred sin out of the hearts of those who know his pardoning love.
Sunday 24. I had a longing desire to speak very plainly to my dear
mother. But I could not; I could only pray with her, and read to her
some passages of scripture. But, blessed be God, he has answered my
prayer, with regard to my family’s keeping the Lord’s day. Lord, enable
them always to keep a sabbath of rest, and to find rest in their own
souls!
Sunday 31. Glory, and thanks, and praise, be to God and the Lamb, for
his unbounded love to such an helpless worm! Blessed be his holy name,
I enjoy peace, and love to God and all mankind. I have no desire to
live, unless to his glory: but, through the burden and pain of my body,
I cannot put my desires in practice as I would: blessed be God, that
he takes the will for the deed. Lord, help me in my present condition,
to glorify thee by patience: to be content to suffer as long as thy
goodness pleases, and to wait till thy good time is come. And let me
regard neither pain, nor ease, but as it brings me nearer to my dear
Lord.
From Tuesday to Friday I was quite confined to my bed. On Tuesday, I
had much liberty in meeting my band: but since that time, I have had
little power, except at intervals. On Friday evening, it was strongly
suggested to me, “Thou wilt fail, when thy hour of trial comes.” I
immediately told my husband: he prayed with me, and I found liberty.
Yesterday morning, the same temptation assaulted me strongly: but I
spoke of it as soon as it came. And since that time, blessed be his
name, I have felt it no more. Lord, help me! Lord, keep me every
moment! Keep me to the end, for my dear Lord’s sake!
A short ACCOUNT of
ANN JOHNSON.
By JOHN JOHNSON.