to-day than ever I did. O what hungering and thirsting did I feel, to
do his will, as it is done in heaven?
Wednesday 25. This has been a blessed day to my soul; though I was
grieved for the sloth of some of our family, who would not rise to the
early preaching. The Lord stir them up to redouble their diligence. The
enemy accused me to-day, of going with too much boldness to the Lord’s
table. But I know it is only free grace that has enabled me so to do.
Friday 27. This has been a day of trial: but blessed be God, I was
kept in perfect peace. Yet I could not but feel heaviness for my dear
friends, to think of their precious, never-dying souls. The Lord give
me a tender concern for them, and enable me to pray for them, and never
cease.
*Tuesday 31. I spoke an improper word, which threw me into great
heaviness. But I cried to God, “Lord, thou knowest, I would not offend
thee willingly: I would sooner put my hand in the fire.” And he was
graciously pleased to bless me that instant. But I saw, while I was at
prayer, that I had been talking about religion in too light a manner.
The Lord pardon me, and give more awe and reverence, for the time to
come!
Wednesday, January 1, 1766. I found an increase of love to God and his
people. In the evening the power of God was upon the congregation, in
a glorious manner. We _sat under the droppings of his sanctuary_, and
rejoiced in him with joy unspeakable.
Thursday 2. Glory be to God, my heart was inlarged, to love him with
every faculty of my soul, with most ardent love to the children of God,
and tender affection to all men.
Tuesday 7. My dear _M――――_ raged against me much. Lord lay not the sin
to her charge! And say to the enemy, “Hitherto shalt thou go, and no
farther.” I am much out of order in body, and do not find my spirit
so lively as it was; perhaps through bodily weakness. But I can still
rejoice in God, and love him with all my heart.
Thursday 9. I was tempted to peevishness this morning; but I prayed,
and it found no place in me. I had likewise thoughts about my husband,
because he did not come home so soon as I expected. But I looked to the
Lord, and was resigned to whatever he would please to lay upon me.
Saturday 11. This has been a day of sore temptation: yet mine enemy
gained no advantage over me. But I want to bear the cross more
chearfully; for to-day I wept under it: though it was only, to think
one who professed religion, should act so contrary to it.
Sunday 12. The enemy was let loose ♦upon me inwardly, as well as
outwardly. He suggested, “What will become of thee? Thou wilt make an
end of thyself, and be cast away at last.” I had scarce power to look
to God, and thought it did not signify to strive any more. But, before
I slept, he returned and healed my soul. May he give more liberty, love
and power!
♦ “npon” replaced with “upon”
Saturday 18. I have been much out of order for several days, and have
not rose to the morning preaching. If there is any sloth in me, the
Lord give me to see it; I am not sensible of it. And I hope the Lord
accepts of the will, as the power is taken from me. In the evening, my
brother-in-law being with us, and my husband being unwilling to pray,
I delayed praying till my brother was gone to bed. But it came to me
afterward, “_Who art thou that thou art afraid of a man that shall
die?_” The Lord pardon me for it. I hope whether my husband prays or no,
I shall not omit it for the time to come.
Monday 27. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to such a rebel as
me! What blessings has he given me this day? How happy have I been in
his love? May he _keep the door of my mouth_, that I may never more
speak unadvisedly with my lips! And above all, may he keep my heart,
that I may no more _reason_ against him.
Wednesday 29. Blessed be God, Christ has been exceeding precious to me
to-day. O how my heart was enlarged to poor souls! If I could have my
liberty, I would spend all the time in the service of God, and have
nothing to do with the world. Yet I see my own helplessness more and
more, and that it is of pure love I am out of hell.
Friday 31. To-day I had a solemn sense of God, while I was in my
business, and had much watchfulness over my words, saying continually
in my heart, “_The_ Lord _sees me_!” Glory be to his name!
Monday, February 3. Glory be to God this has been a solemn day to my
soul. In the evening my poor M―――― raged greatly: but I was enabled to
stand in the hour of trial.
Sunday 9. Blessed be God, my evidence was as clear as the shining of
the sun. Yet in the evening I was much tempted by the enemy, causing
many wicked oaths to pass before my mind. But in the midst of all I
could rejoice in God, knowing in whom I had believed.
Monday 10. Blessed be God, I desire nothing, but to drink deeper and
deeper of his spirit. I see my evidence clear; but I see more and more
of my own weakness, and long to live more to his glory. I am jealous
over myself, because I do not rise in the morning as I used to do.
Surely it is not because I shun the cross: for I do love him with all
my whole heart. May he deepen his work of grace in my soul, and stamp
his whole image upon my heart!
Friday 21. Two men coming in, one of whom was in drink, as we were
going to drink tea, I thought it would be more form than devotion, to
ask a blessing openly. So I shunned the cross. But I suffered for it
afterward. The Lord be praised, that he did not enter into judgment
with me, but gave me time to draw near him through the Son of his love.
May he make me more fruitful for the future.
Saturday 22. I was twice tempted to-day to anger in the shape of zeal.
But I saw the snare, blessed be God, and fled from it. In the evening
I was much distressed with wandrings in the public service: all which
I believe, proceeded from my omission yesterday. The Lord help me to
watch and pray more, lest I enter into temptation!
Monday 25. At the love feast, I was in pain most of the time, longing
to break through: and yet I could not declare what God had done for my
soul. The Lord pardon me for my omission! I believe he is deepening his
work in me. He does _sit upon_ me _as a refiner’s fire_.
Thursday 27. Glory be to God, he discovers more and more of his love,
to me the unworthiest of his creatures. Yet, I doubt, I was not so
watchful as I ought, some part of this day. And I fear, I lay in bed
too long this morning. The Lord help me to use more violence to myself!
Monday, March 3. Glory be to God, I enjoy perfect peace amidst the
storms of an ungrateful world. In trials from the world, and trials
from them of my own houshold, he is my strong hold, to which I always
resort. Yet I find the company of the world a great burden, when I am
obliged to be with them in my business. I want power to reprove them
more. The Lord help me in this also!
Thursday 6. Glory be to God I am amazed when I think of his goodness
and my unworthiness. How did he bless me this evening at the room?
I found I was all light in the Lord. How pure has he made my heart
through faith! It is all of grace, free grace. This was a day of trial:
but, blessed be God it was no trial to _me_, because the Lord took off
the burden. Only I was concerned for their souls. Lord, save them, for
thy dear name sake!
Monday 10. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day. O how did
he bless me this evening? I wept to see the goodness of God in Christ
Jesus toward me and all poor sinners. I find indeed a busy foe. But his
grace is sufficient for me. I have my evidence still clear. The Lord
give me to pray always: make me thankful, keep me humble, and keep me
to the end!
Thursday 13. I was attacked with a light spirit to-day, which I dread
and abhor. And all the company was assaulted with it at the same time:
but the Lord sent us help in the time of need.
Friday 21. I rose to the preaching this morning, though my body
complained. Still, in the midst of trials, my desire is, to know more
of God and to live nearer to him. I had peace all this day, and power
to look to God, in all the hurry of my business. Glory be to his holy
name, for all is blessings, temporal and spiritual.
Sunday 23. I was much grieved at church, to hear people mocking God,
by saying what they do not believe, and what they will flatly deny, as
soon as they are out of church. It made me doubt, whether I ought to go
to church or not? But I considered, I am not to look to them: I am to
look to God only.
Monday 31. Blessed be God, that I am out of hell, that I have hope of
seeing him in glory, and that he gives me now to commune with him, even
as a man with his friend. Yet I want to be more watchful over my words.
I believe it is my privilege to speak no more words than are necessary,
and to the glory of God. The Lord pardon me for speaking amiss to-day,
and keep me every moment watching unto prayer!
Tuesday, April 1. This has been a day of blessed humiliation to my
soul, on account of my past life. I stand amazed at the goodness of God
toward me. Blessed be his name, for giving me this evenness of mind.
But I have need, to come out of myself more, and to rely more on Christ:
the Lord increase my faith, and enable me so to do!
Friday 11. Blessed be God, for the peace I still enjoy amidst a world
of business: But I want to sink down continually into the depths of
humble love. I have not to-day so much comfort as I often enjoy. But
I can rely upon my God: and I can appeal to him, it is my one care, to
please him in all things.
Sunday 13. Glory be to God, for a peace that passeth all understanding.
But I have not felt so much of his quickning power to-day as in
time past. I have examined myself, and besought the Lord to shew me,
if there was any evil in me. I do not find any; and it came to me,
_Stand still, and see the salvation of God_. I have a solid peace: and
though I have not so much liveliness in duty as usual, yet I find more
watchfulness over my words and actions. But still how short am I of
what I would be?
Sunday 20. Blessed be God, for giving me a resigned will, in the
hour of trial. It has been expected these three days, that every
moment would be the last with my dear little boy. Yet he keeps my
mind in perfect peace. But the enemy is very busy, accusing me of
hard-heartedness, for not weeping more. However, I am kept in the fire
and in the water. And the Lord prepare me for whatever I have to go
through!
*Friday 25. I am at present much fatigued in body, and very low in
spirits. The Lord was pleased to take my dear little _George_ to
himself on Wednesday morning. He supported me in a wonderful manner:
but I have found the trial nearer to-day than ever. The Lord grant I
may not grieve his holy Spirit! And whatever thy purer eyes have seen
amiss in me already, cover with the mantle of forgiving love! May we
humble ourselves under thy mighty hand! May it be a means of pressing
us closer to thee! And may we follow on, to meet our dear infants, in
the upper and better world!
Saturday 26. Glory be to God, that I am still on praying ground. His
grace is still sufficient for me, though I find a trying world, and a
tempting enemy: sometimes I feel my child very near. The Lord pardon me,
if it is wrong! Give me more of the life and power of God in my soul,
and keep me from a dead form of religion!
Sunday 27. Since last night, I have been in heaviness through
temptations against my husband. O Lord, be pleased to disperse the
cloud and shine on thy own work! Besides, we have been exposed to-day,
to the company of carnal friends. Lord, pardon our backwardness in
reproving, and give us more courage for God, and make us thankful, that
he hath made us to differ and give me more of that fire of love in my
heart!
Tuesday 29. Glory be to God, he returned to his temple this evening.
The meeting of the bands was a blessed means of grace to me. When
our brethren and sisters spoke of the goodness of God, it was spirit
and life to my soul. Yet I was myself backward to speak, and when I
attempted it, was seized with trembling all over. But at last, blessed
be God, he opened my mouth, and then all my burden dropt off. Lord,
help me always to tell of thy goodness, and keep me in thy laws, till
grace end in glory!
*Thursday, May 1. I have kept my bed most of the day, being in much
pain. O how unfit are we at such a time, for so great a work as working
out our salvation! Let none postpone their repentance to a sick-bed:
it is work enough then, to struggle with sickness and pain. But how
pleasant is a sick-bed, when perfumed with the love of God, and when
we have a precious Christ in our bosom? Come life, come death, with my
dear Jesus, and life or death is sweet.
Tuesday 6. Lord, I beg this one thing at thy hand, the salvation of
my dear mother! She is now under thy afflicting hand. Be pleased to
sanctify her affliction: and let it be to the saving of her soul, for
thy dear Son’s sake.
Wednesday 14. Glory be to God, he has given me to-day a sight of myself
and of my numberless infirmities. But he has not been extreme to mark
what was done amiss: blessed be his name for Jesus Christ! O that I may
have more of the mind that was in him, more of a meek, quiet, teachable
spirit. May I now begin! May I now set out with double diligence! May I
run, and not be weary; walk, and not faint!
Friday 16. I had reasoning about going to church, whether it was
_necessary_ to go so often? But when I brought it to the word of God,
I saw, after we have done all, we are unprofitable servants. Lord let
me resist him stedfast in the faith.
Thursday 22. Yesterday I was troubled concerning one of our brethren;
but resolved to tell no one what I heard, unless himself or his wife.
This afternoon they came to my house, and I told them all I had heard.
They told me just how the thing was, and I found it was a meer mistake.
So Satan was disappointed of his aim, and our love to each other
confirmed.
Sunday 25. Hearing of the distress of some of my neighbours, my heart
overflowed with thankfulness, to think God had provided me and mine
with temporal blessings also. His care was over me in my youth likewise,
not leaving me to my own choice. But I praise him above all, for his
pardoning love, and for full redemption through the blood of Jesus.
Thursday 29. Glory be to God, I found an unspeakable blessing at the
morning preaching, and again in private prayer; but above all, at the
meeting of the select society. And, I think, so did every one present.
I was at first unwilling to speak; but I knew, not to speak would be
grieving the Spirit of God. So I broke through, as did several others:
and we were all so filled with consolation, that we could only say,
“Enlarge our heart, to make thee room.”
Thursday, June 5. Glory be to God, that he hath given me a thankful
heart, for his love toward me even in my early days! How did his kind
hand preserve me, when I did not know him? How did it carry me through
the heedless steps of youth, keep me from the malice and intrigues
of all my enemies, and at last bring me to his dear self, and to the
knowledge of his love! And though the storms now rise high, yet blessed
be his name, all is calm within. Lord, be pleased to have pity upon
Satan’s instruments, and save their dear souls. I find nothing rises
in my heart against them: but I am constrained to mourn for them:
especially for those who have known God, and do not live to his glory.
Tuesday 10. I find it a heavy burden to be in the company even of
those that are called civil people. But as I am called to take up this
cross, may the Lord enable me to bear it. Lord, let me rely wholly on
thee. I feel thou art all in all! Thou art my strength, as well as my
righteousness. Without thee I can do nothing.
Tuesday 17. I did not enjoy so large a measure of love as I have
sometimes done. What is the reason I know not: the Lord pardon me for
it, and give me to see that all my doings are as filthy rags in the
sight of a pure God: and that I want the precious blood of my Redeemer
to interpose for me every moment. I feel the same want of him that ever
I did: I believe I am written on the palms of his hands. But still I
want more of the life and power of religion: I am hungry and thirsty
after this.
Wednesday 18. I was tempted this morning to resentment: but, glory be
to God, it could not enter. Lord, search me and prove me, empty me of
myself and fill me all with God. For ever wash, and keep me clean, and
let Christ be all in all.
Wednesday 25. I found indifference about going to church. I begged of
the Lord to direct me, and immediately the reasonings disappeared. In
the afternoon I poured out my soul before him, and prayed till I could
scarce speak. I long for a closer communion with God, and for more
wisdom and understanding in his ways.
Tuesday, July 8. Glory be to God, I am still the monument of his free
mercy. Amidst a world of business and hurry, I still enjoy peace, and
commune with God, as a man with his friend. I have not so much joy
as in time past; but my faith is strong, and I enjoy a calm peace.
And when temptation comes as a flood, his spirit lifts up a standard
against it. Meeting in band at night, I was quite stript, and felt
my nothingness. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, because his
compassions fail not.
*Tuesday 22. Glory be to God, I am still assured that the Lord has
given me a clean heart, and renewed a right spirit within me; and I
can have no doubt of it, though I am not so overflowed with joy in the
means of grace as I have been. But I have a calmness and power which I
never had in so great degree, in the midst of the closest trials. Only
I am grieved for sinners, and pray that the Lord would pluck them as
brands out of the burning.
Friday 25. This evening I have been at the interment of an acquaintance.
What nothings we are, and how soon turned to our mother earth? Should
not this thought cause us to live in love and peace with all men? And
to live as expecting the messenger of death every moment?
Saturday, August 2. I have been for several days much disordered in
body. In my illness I had hardly power to pray, or to do any thing. O
may I prize health more, and make full use of it, when the Lord sends
it. Glory be to God, I had no fear of death, and no anxious care for my
children. I only wanted more power to praise God. And will he not give
that and all things? _O cleanse me from my secret faults!_ And let no
sin ever more prevail over me!
*Wednesday 6. Blessed be thy name, I do not find any thing within to
close with temptations. Yesterday anger presented as quick as thought;
but it found no entrance. Yet shame covered me, for fear any that were
present might discern the appearance of it. And I begged the Lord to
shew me, if there was any evil root left? As far as I know myself, I
do not find there is: I do firmly believe, he hath purified me from all
sin. But I am big with the desire of living nearer God: O how dear was
he to me this night? Thou art altogether lovely: thou art fairer than
the sons of men.
Thursday 14. Glory be to God, there has been a cry in my dear mother’s
soul all this day. Lord, increase it! Thou hast set her sins in array
before her. May she never rest till she rests in thee!
Friday 22. I went three or four miles this evening to the preaching: My
mind was solemnly stayed on God; but I was not very lively: my husband
being talking most of the way about worldly affairs. O Lord, direct him
in all his ways, and let nothing hurt his precious soul.
Saturday 30. I have been much disordered in body all this day; but,
glory be to God, have enjoyed calmness of spirit. Yet I have been
grieved to see some of my family, so busy about the world, and so
little concerned for their poor souls, but trifling away their precious
moments. Lord, let me redeem the time! Let me never rest in any thing
I have attained: but still press on, till I know all that love of God
that passeth knowledge!
Thursday September 4. Blessed be God for the comfort I had in hearing
dear Mr. _W._ at _Penryn_. I was tempted to impatience, both in the
morning, when my husband stayed long before he set out: and at noon,
when I was disappointed of being in Mr. _W._’s company. But I looked
up, and felt nothing but calmness and quietness of spirit.
Tuesday 9. I waked between four and five, with praises in my mouth.
Glory be to God, I find an inlarged heart, to run the ways of the Lord
with great delight. His love is sweeter than honey to my taste, and my
will is swallowed up in his.
Sunday 14. A cold almost disabled me from speaking, which gave me to
see the great blessing of speech. Lord, help me to use it more to thy
glory! This afternoon, blessed be God, we had the happiness of having
dear Mr. _W._’s company. Lord imprint his exhortations deep on my
heart! And may all the words he delivered be watered with the dew of
thy heavenly grace!
Tuesday 16. Glory be to God, he has kept me in the hour of strong
temptation. The enemy bears me a tyrannous hatred, and stirs up my
bosom friends against me. Lord, thou knowest they lay to my charge
things I know not. But thou art to me a place of broad rivers. And
_these light afflictions will work out for_ me _an eternal weight of
glory_.
Wednesday, October 1. Blessed be God, he keeps me in trials from those
who are nearest and dearest to me. What a powerful energy has love?
It keeps my soul in perfect peace, while all around me is storm and
tempest.
Saturday 25. I have the greatest reason to bless God of any creature:
for he gives me great hope, that my dear husband will not proceed on
his intended voyage. He seems at length to see the strength of the
objections against it. I wept over him last night, and reasoned with
him in much love, till one o’clock in the morning. And, glory be to
God, whatever it was to _him_, it was a blessed means of grace to _me_.
Monday, November 3. At night I was much frighted between sleeping and
waking, I believe, by the enemy. I was afraid I had offended my Lord,
by not going to church yesterday in the afternoon. I besought the Lord
to pardon me for the omission; and he soon spoke the answer to my heart.
Wednesday 5. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day, and for
giving me more patience and more watchfulness. Indeed I was tempted
to anger against my husband, and afterwards to lightness. But help was
at hand. O that I may be more thankful! Lord, may thy pure love always
fill my soul: and do thou water me every moment!
Monday 24. I was calm and serene all this day, and had power to
restrain my words. But in the evening I was much tempted, when one
told me, Mr. _Mason_ designed to make me leader of a band. I found it
hard to leave my sisters, and harder still to undertake so important a
charge. When he gave me the paper the next day, I was closely exercised.
And when I came to the band, it was a great mountain, and I was full
of shame and confusion. But when I began to speak, I found a little
freedom, and, blessed be God, he helped my infirmity. Afterwards I
found the same power to pray, as if we had been together some time.
Lord, bless us together, and let me be always little, and base, and
vile in my own eyes!
Friday 28. Glory be to God, this has been a blessed day. My soul has
been full of love to the people of God, my band in particular. And
the Lord gives me more light into myself, more freedom from wanderings
and evil reasonings, and more power to check my own spirit. But O! the
mighty void I saw in myself! I never saw it so before. This constrained
me to wrestle with the Lord. And he did not send me empty away.
Monday, December 1. Glory be to God, the Sun of Righteousness shone on
my soul all the day long. Whenever Satan was nigh, I looked to him, and
was instantly saved. He gave me a clear sight of the work of my soul,
and a brighter evidence than ever, accompanied with the pure streams of
his love pouring down into my heart.
Friday 5. Glory be to God, I found a tender conscience, and power
to set the Lord always before me. And I can now enjoy my God in my
business, as well as in my duty. My heart is constantly stayed upon
him, and I long for more of that living principle within. O that thou
wouldst fill me with heaven, with love, with God!
*Saturday 6. I find my soul is, as a well of water, springing up into
everlasting life. But I thirst for more. Blessed be God, he does keep
my soul in perfect peace, and in the midst of fire and water, give me
patience, with an hope full of immortality. But I feel a great soreness
of spirit, for those of my family. Lord, give them to know themselves,
and direct them in all things! Take the cause into thine hands, and
enable me, to stand still, and see the salvation of God.
Tuesday 12. Glory be to God, I enjoy peace and power, in the midst of
multitudes and hurry of business. My eye is still single toward the
mark of my high calling, and my one desire, to live more to God.