alarming words. _At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the
bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him._ _Matthew xxv. 6_. I found
my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my
lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with the
_foolish virgins_, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _R――――_ preached on those comfortable words
of our Lord’s _Him that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out_.
_John vi. 37_. I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord,
especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with
Jesus.
Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but
was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word,
_They that wait upon_ him _shall renew their strength_.
Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty
this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the
evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward
am I so to do!
Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given
way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against
it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening
comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading the _book of martyrs_.
O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot
take up the least cross without murmuring.
Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my
friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own
poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.
“Help me to believe, obey;
Help me to repent and love;
Help me to take the blessing given,
Help me quite from hell to heaven.”
Sunday 27. Mr. _M――――s_ preached on _Matthew xi. 20, 30_. _Take my yoke
upon you_, &c. O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas
as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me
this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am
truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul.
I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for
ever.
“Take my body, spirit, soul,
Only thou possess the whole.”
Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart
was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul;
and indeed Mr. _M――――_ gave a very profitable discourse on _Ephesians
vi. 10_. Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may
be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.
Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this
evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart,
for such thou wilt not despise.
Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took
out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading the lv.
chapter of _Isaiah_.
Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a
watchful spirit to keep it.
Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this
morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)
Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a
bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if
I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness
could ever separate me from him.
Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desire to spend the day to his
glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected
spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I
found great sweetness.
Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross
to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the
loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my
past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that
the Lord would have mercy even upon me.
Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much
blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the
cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it
to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the
melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly
suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from
sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should
loudly sound in our ears, _Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye
think not, the Son of man cometh_.
Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it
would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and
lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all
in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then
she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfort in the
consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness.
Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not
by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it
would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I
should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved
therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from
the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused,
that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God.
But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer
constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it
alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips,
while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with
my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better
if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together
in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my
heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to
do better for the future.
Thursday 22. This morning I went to my aunt _B――――s_, where I spent
the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle
was preaching on _John i. 11, 12_. _He came unto his own, but his own
received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power
to become the sons of God._ O would he now himself impart, that I may
become the child of God.
Sunday 25. In the evening Mr. _M――――_ made a sweet Discourse on _Acts
xvi. 30_. _Sirs, what must I do to be saved?_ Indeed I thought I had
power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart
drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and
left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still
have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite.
Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to
my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain
thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within
me. O for power to resist and overcome!
Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which
I have been so much beset, blessed be God.
Sunday, _June 1_. This morning my soul was in a measure blest while
Mr. _R――――s_ was shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, from _Hosea
xiii. 9_. He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be
God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be
found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust
with some importunity.
Monday 2. This morning my soul was exceedingly blest while Mrs.
_L――――_ was speaking to me, encouraging me to come, and lay hold of the
blessing, assuring me, that even now the Lord was willing to impart it.
My desires were also very strong in the afternoon; although I was in
company, and the conversation not very edifying; (so gracious was the
Lord to me.)
Tuesday 3. I found my soul exceedingly blest this day, especially in
the evening: such hope and confidence I had that the Lord would reveal
himself that I had no doubt of it, and such a sweet calm was upon my
spirit till I went to bed as I never experienced before. I was also
greatly encouraged by accidentally opening the bible upon these words,
_Then shall we know if we follow on to know the_ Lord. Amen! Let it be
according to thy word, Lord Jesus.
Wednesday 4. I experienced a measure of the same confidence as the
night before. Lord continue it, and also increase it, so that I may
never doubt more.
Thursday 5. I was not altogether in such a sweet frame as the two
preceding days; nevertheless my mind was stayed on God, and my desires
earnest for the blessing, while my uncle was discoursing upon these
words, _Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish_. _Luke xiii. 5._
Friday 6. My mind was distracted with wandering thoughts, but the
gracious Lord soon gathered them in again, and I experienced a sweet
calm upon my spirit, and liberty in prayer.
Sunday 8. I went to church expecting the Sacrament, but there being
none, we had a sermon on _Galatians vi. 9_. It was a very pretty
discourse, shewing what well-doing was; but nothing of a change of
heart was mentioned. O, thought I, how many may go thus far, and perish
at last. Lord, let me not be one of this number.
Monday 9. This afternoon we set out for _Eaton_ to see Lord
_Grosvenor_’s gardens; they are the most elegant and pleasant I ever
saw. I do not find the sight of such things to draw my mind from God:
but am rather led to meditate on the vanity of all worldly enjoyments,
and to desire to have substantial pleasures, even those which are at
God’s right-hand. The rest of the week, my mind was in much confusion,
by reason of removing; but still I have found power to be constant in
private duty, and to resist all temptations to the contrary. By thus
doing I was enabled to keep a greater watch over my words, and thoughts,
and to avoid my ♦besetting evil, levity. O Lord, make me truly thankful.
♦ “beseting” replaced with “besetting”
Monday 16. I was much cast down, by receiving a letter from my dear
mamma, containing a melancholy account of the situation of my dear
papa’s health: but in the midst of my anxiety, I found a great
confidence in God: so that most of my uneasiness was upon his account.
Lord, strengthen, comfort, and bless him for Jesus’s sake. The two
following days my mind was much hurried by the confusion the house
has been in; nevertheless I have been constant in private duty, and
have generally found it good to draw nigh to God. O what a God have we
to deal with, and yet I cannot find a heart to love him. Lord, soften
this obdurate heart, and give me an heart to love thee; for this thou
knowest is all my desire.
Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame,
being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I
have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I
am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was
much blest under Mr. _R――――_’s preaching: his text was in _Romans viii.
17, 18_. _And if children then heirs_, &c. My desires were exceedingly
earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons
of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?
Sunday 29. In the morning Mr. _R――――_’s text was in _Romans viii. 32_.
_He that spared not his own son_, &c. O these encouraging, these heart
reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the
promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then
believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience
real happiness.
Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and
I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties.
How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered
from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards,
something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I
observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for
several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle
adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission
or commission.
Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which
was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of
this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached on _Matthew
xiii. 46_. _Who when he had found one pearl of great price_, &c. O that
the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this
pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and
yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I
had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost
enabled to believe he died for me.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _M――――_ gave us a sweet discourse on
_2 Peter i. 4_. _Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises_,
&c. I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament in
St. _John_’s church, blessed be God.
Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore
’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we
were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend Miss _D――――_ arrived
from _Ireland_. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to be so
at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!
Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked to _Crislington_; and went to see
the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great
expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O
how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot
find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.
Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual.
O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and
then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand
of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish!
Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this
rebellious heart.
Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged while Mr. _G――――k_ was
describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God,
that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even
this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive
myself for thy mercy’s sake.
Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in
drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord,
water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become
a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.
Sunday 17. In retirement, both before and after preaching, I found my
soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents,
and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas
for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the
confidence, and power to pray for it.
Sunday 17. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Acts xxiv. 16_. _Herein I exercise
myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards
man._ On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting
into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth
impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a
conscience void of offence.
*Wednesday 20. In the evening Mr. _M――――r_ gave us a sweet discourse,
on _Colossians iii. 11_. _But Christ is all, and in all._ My concern at
parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from
the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the
servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall
never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as
well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.
Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hear Mr. _M――――s_ last discourse,
which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much
cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a
determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace,
that I may not have the same complaint to make, when we part with the
next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.
Sunday 24. I was some part of this day employed in reading Mr.
_Morgan’s crucified Jesus_. O that I could copy after my afflicted,
self-denying Master! He never sought to please himself; but alas for
me, how seldom is it I seek to please any other! Lord, forgive me: let
me learn to deny myself, take up my cross and follow thee.
Thursday 28. In the evening Mr. _J――――_ who is the assistant preached
his first sermon on _1 Corinthians iii. 22_. _All are yours._ I think
him a good preacher; but I cannot yet give up Mr. _M――――_ for any other.
Friday 29. Mr. _G――――d_ preached on _1 Corinthians i. 23_. _We preach
Christ crucified._ It was a good sermon, but I thought so much of Mr.
_M――――_, that I was quite tired because it was not him. Lord forgive me
my too great attachment to the creature, and fix my heart more upon the
Creator.
Sunday 31. This morning Mr. _G――――d_ preached from _Hosea vi. 1_. _Come
let us return to the Lord, &c._ He spoke exactly to the state I seemed
to be in, and I was determined to set this day apart, to examine myself,
and to seek the Lord in good earnest. But as soon as I came home, Satan
prepared something to draw my mind off, and render me unfit for any
duty, whether reading, praying, or any thing else. Lord, make me more
careful for the time to come, that I may not so easily let slip the
things which I have received.
Tuesday, September 2. My soul was in a measure blest in meeting class,
and I found a resolution to set out afresh. Lord, let it not prove
abortive as all others have done, but do thou bring it to good effect
for thy mercy’s sake.
Wednesday 3. I think this day I found more solidity, and not so much
levity of spirit as I did the day before. I also found my soul in a
measure quickened both in private prayer, and in meeting band, for
which undeserved mercies, Lord make me truly thankful, and let me shew
my gratitude by endeavouring to retain, and improve them, that so I may
have more.
Friday 12. In the evening at preaching, I found my soul in a small
degree quickened. Lord, continue even this spark, and blow it into a
flame!
Monday 15. I met our class to renew the tickets; but I missed Mr.
_M――――r_’s lively manner of examining and exhorting each one, according
to their various states.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at St. _John_’s church, but all the
time I was there, I was so beset with a particular temptation, that I
had hard work to keep from yielding to it. In the evening Mr. _J――――n_
preached and met the society; but I sadly missed Mr. _M――――_’s close
and sweet applications and exhortations, which under God were exceeding
profitable to me. This week my poor unstable mind has been much tossed
with vain and wandring thoughts. O when shall my heart and treasure be
laid up in heaven! Then, and not till then, will my mind also be fixed,
stedfastly fixed in that thrice happy place. I have also been dry and
dead in every means, which indeed is no wonder, when foolish thoughts
are given way to; they necessarily damp the work of God in the soul.
Lord, make me more watchful.
Sunday 28. I spent the day comfortably, and found a degree of sweetness
in prayer. O for a thankful heart!
Thursday, October 10. This day being the quarterly meeting, we had
a number of strange preachers in town; and in the evening one Mr.
_S――――t_ preached. He is not a very connected preacher, but one of the
most lively and powerful, that I ever heard. I was more stirred up and
quickened under this sermon, than I have been for months before. There
seemed to be an awful solemnity, resting upon the whole congregation.
Monday 26. In the evening it rained much; but I ventured out, and was
well paid for so doing, by Mr. _M――――_’s discourse upon _1 Corinthians
vi. 11_. _But ye are justified in the name of the_ Lord Jesus.
Sunday, November 2. I went to the sacrament at _Trinity_ church, but
found no particular blessing in that ordinance, or indeed any other; my
mind being much exercised, as it had been great part of the last week,
in which nothing seemed sweet or profitable to me, but private prayer.
Sunday 9. All this week my mind has been much diverted from God, by a
circumstance which befel me, not very pleasing to flesh and blood. Lord,
give me wisdom, grace, and prudence to guide me through the trials
I am liable to meet with here: and O at last receive my poor soul to
the peaceful haven of everlasting rest; where all the storms of this
tumultuous life are over, and all is quietness and assurance for ever!
*Monday 17. Mr. _J――――n_ dined with us this day; I think he is one of
the most agreeable men I know. On Thursday evening my uncle preached
upon _Matthew xx. 32_. _What will ye that I shall do unto you?_ My soul
was more blest under this discourse, than under any since Mr. _S――――t_
preached. In the application, he desired each to ask their own soul,
what is my most prevailing desire? Riches, honour, or pleasure? But my
heart rejected all these, and replied,
“None but Christ to me be given,
None by Christ in earth or heaven.”
Sunday 23. I found my soul much quickened in private duty to-day. O how
good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how loath am I to do it!
Sunday 30. In reading the scripture, and one of the volumes of the
Library, I found a degree of enlargement, and also in private prayer,
tho’ I had felt a great backwardness to it.
Tuesday, December 2. After I was in bed, my mind was much employed in
meditating on death, and the vanity of all earthly things, occasioned
by hearing that poor Miss _L――――y_ was extreamly ill, whom I had seen
in perfect health the last _Friday_. O may I spend every moment of life
in preparing for a never ending eternity!
Sunday 7. In none of the duties of the day, did I find any life; my
soul was as a barren wilderness unwatered with the dew of heaven. Lord,
how long! When shall I taste and see that the Lord is gracious, by his
giving even to me the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my
sins? Monday evening Mr. _J――――n_ preached on _Matthew ix. 12_. _The
whole have no need of a physician, but they that be sick._ Lord, I am
sick, sick of sin, and truly sick of self. Lord, heal me; be thou my
physician, and I shall need no other.
Sunday 14. Mr. _J――――n_ preached this morning upon _Isaiah lv. 1_.
_Ho, every one that thirsteth_, &c. Lord, I do in some measure thirst.
O give me to drink of this living water! *I was so affected when I came
home at hearing that poor Miss _L――――y_ was not likely to recover, that
I could not read or pray as I desired; but I found many serious, and
I trust profitable reflections. O may this providence be productive of
good to my soul, and to the souls of all her friends and relations, to
whom it will certainly be an affecting stroke, if it does please God
to require her soul at this time. On Monday evening at four o’clock,
it pleased God to take to himself the soul of my dear Miss _L――――y_.
Although I found the affection I had for her in her life-time, as
strong as ever, I could not shed a tear, when I first heard of her
departure: I had such a sight of her in glory, that, instead of wishing
her back, I almost rejoiced at her happy change, and longed for the
hour to come, wherein I also shall be released and carried by the
angels into _Abraham_’s bosom, where I shall be eternally happy in
the enjoyment of his love, who lived and died for me, a poor miserable
sinner. But afterwards I found nature recoil, and had the cruelty to
think, that could a wish restore her to her aged parents, particularly
her poor distracted mother, I should be tempted to do it. But O blessed
be God, nothing, nothing can recall us, when once we are landed on the
happy shore. Lord, grant that whenever death calls me hence, I may be
prepared to meet it. Let the king of terrors be changed into the prince
of peace; let the sting of death be drawn, and O give me a victory over
the now terrible and victorious grave.