upon _Philippians iii. 7_. _But what things were gain to me, those I
counted loss for_ Christ. My soul was much comforted and encouraged,
while he was inviting sinners to come and taste the sweetness that is
in Christ, and to forsake all those things, which before we counted
gain, in order to partake of those hidden treasures.
Monday 17. I was overcome by a trifling spirit, and also gave way to
wandering thoughts: for which the Lord in mercy gave me to feel much
remorse. While I was at preaching in the evening, He also gave me a
fervent desire to look to that Jesus whom his servant was pointing out
to us from _John iii. 14, 15_. O that I may ever look to him, to heal
the wound which sin has made!
“Stung by the scorpion sin;
My poor expiring soul,”
O that I could add
“The balmy sound drank in,
And was at once made whole.”
I staid at the bands as I could not go home by myself, and my aunt
chose to stay. I experienced that it was good for me to be there, for
my soul was exceedingly blest. Lord make me truly thankful for this,
and all thy other mercies daily conferred upon me, the chief of sinners.
Tuesday, October 1. In the evening I found my soul quickened under
religious conversation, and continued so all Wednesday and Thursday,
having great enlargement in prayer, and free access to the throne;
blessed be God.
Monday 14. My mind was in a serious frame most part of this day. In
the evening we had a comfortable love-feast, at which my soul was much
comforted, and found a great wrestling and agonizing for the blessing.
Saturday 19. I was rather cold all day, but glory be to God, I had
great enlargement in prayer, especially in the evening.
Sunday 20. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Matthew v. 22, 26_. _Agree with
thine adversary quickly_, &c. He earnestly exhorted and intreated every
one to agree with God by forsaking their sins and turning to him, lest
he should swear in his wrath, they should not enter into his rest. The
word came with power to my soul, and I felt a resolution never to rest,
till I had made my peace with God. O may the Lord confirm it, or it
will be like the morning cloud.
Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a
determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I
never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.
Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave
so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind
was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled,
and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again
to the enemy of my soul.
Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in
the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by
a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before
in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God
never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My
soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with
earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty of the sons
of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest
thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up
thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a
rival.
Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much
drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O
thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable
blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon
my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.
Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding
a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt
experience,
“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,
And lo for thee I ever mourn:
I cannot, no I will not rest,
Till thou my only rest return:
Till thou the Prince of peace appear,
And I receive the Comforter.”
Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great
concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of
falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always
let me retain,
“A spirit still prepared,
And armed with jealous fear,
For ever standing on its guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious
God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to
trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins,
would pardon them.
Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago.
When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was
heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the
thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my
keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone
that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon
him for it, and he has promised, _Those that ask shall receive_.
Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the evening Mr.
_M――――_ preached on _John ix. 25_. My soul was exceedingly blest, and
I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am
not sensible.
Sunday 24. Mr. _M――――e_ preached in the morning on, _Do all to the
glory of God_. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in
prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a
creature am I? Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time
to come.
Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame.
O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I find
_that_ an inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful
to me, and displeasing to God.
Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many
wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching
without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the
word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted
and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my
pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!
Sunday 8. In the morning Mr. _M――――_ preached on _Romans i. 17_. _For
the just shall live by faith._ My thoughts were wandering under the
word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in
prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne
of grace through _Jesus_ the Mediator of the new covenant, and to call
him, _my Lord and my God_.
Thursday 12. My uncle’s text was _Proverbs xxiii. 23_. During the first
part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it
was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a
stayed, and composed mind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin
to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in
the presence of God.
Saturday 14. This day, as well as the day before, my body was much
disordered. In the evening when I retired, I was humbled under a sense
of past mercies received, and my own unfaithfulness to God. Sometimes
I am all alive, I am so in earnest, so diligent in the means, and take
such delight in them! Then one thing, or another steps in, is yielded
to, and deprives me of all my life and earnestness. And though I do
not neglect the means, yet how are they hurried over, and how slightly
performed! And indeed I am often glad when they are finished. Lord,
what is man? What am I? What a poor unstable creature! Lord, quicken
me! Make me more alive, more in earnest. Lord make me, and keep me,
what I ought, what I want to be.
Saturday 21. All this week, I have experienced a stayedness of mind,
and a degree of recollection for which I desire to be thankful. But
alas! I do not find that earnestness, that hungering and thirsting
which I did. Lord what is the cause? O remove it whatever it be!
Remove the accursed thing, which separates between thee and my soul.
On Saturday night, the Lord was pleased to shew me the thing which had
quenched that earnestness, and I am not sensible that I have this week
yielded to it. O what a good God is ours! He shewed me my sin: he gave
me to feel remorse for it, and then imparted power to subdue it. Lord
give me a thankful heart.
Sunday 22. This morning I was much affected in reading the 15th verse
of the 4th chapter of the _Hebrews_. _For we have not an high priest
who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities: for he
was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin._ O what
comfortable words, especially when the enemy is pouring in floods of
temptation upon us; at such a time how sweet is the meditation upon
such words! How comfortable the reflection that our God knows, and not
only knows but sympathizes with us in all our afflictions, distresses,
and temptations; and will assuredly deliver us out of them! O may this
scripture be ever present with my mind, and may it prove a comfort to
me in trials, while it also hinders me from yielding to my spiritual
enemy, by assuring me that Jesus is ever able and willing to help me.
Wednesday 25. I was impressed with a sense of gratitude to God for
sending his Son into the world, to be born of a pure virgin, and in
a mean manger, and all to rescue me from endless woe. O that my heart
may never for one moment, lose the sense of this great and inestimable
blessing.
*Sunday 29. I was not very well, and stayed at home with my friend Miss
_H――――_ who was in great affliction for the loss of poor, or rather
happy little _Ned H――――_. He died of a scarlet-fever a week ago. O
that I was as safely landed on the happy shore! But alas! I am still
in an evil world, and liable to crosses and temptations: Yea liable to
fall from grace when I get it, and perhaps to be lost for ever? Lord
preserve me, and when I die, O let me die unto thee.
Tuesday 31. The watch-night was to last till half past twelve: but
we came home between ten and eleven. I would not go to bed till near
twelve, spending the time in prayer and meditation. Lord make me truly
thankful for thy mercy, in bringing me to the conclusion of another
year, and grant that I may spend the ensuing year to the glory of thy
blessed name, through Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, January 1. I awoke in a lukewarm state, and though I
endeavoured to pray, yet it was not with that life and fervency I
desired. O how many have been cut off in the last year, and I am yet
upon praying ground! Lord spare me yet another year, and O let it be
spent so, as will shew my gratitude to thee, for this undeserved mercy.
Thursday 2. I was to my great concern overcome by a trifling spirit. O
how is it that I am so soon off my watch, that the enemy so frequently
gets the better! O God give me, I beseech thee for thy Son’s sake, a
recollected, serious, praying spirit.
Friday 3. My soul was in a more recollected frame than the foregoing
day. Lord make me thankful even for this mercy.
Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In
the evening Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Lamentations iii. 22_. _It is of
the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions
fail not._ Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the
rebellious sons of _Adam_, have been at this day?
*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it
continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like
the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of
temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the
appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day
and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he
sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs,
and for seasons, for days, and for years.
Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me
perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is
a most burthensome task.
Thursday 9. I went to chapel. Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Psalms
xxxiv. 14_. _Seek peace and ensue it._ The sermon was tedious, and
I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing
impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not
so soon weary at the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s
house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser
in their generation, than the children of light.
Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion,
the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I
was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly
told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of
quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and
remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord
prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.
Saturday 11. At night Mr. _M――――s_ made an excellent discourse upon the
barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last
bear fruit!
Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed
to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and
altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to
resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how
gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies
bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle
preached on _Isaiah xix._ _If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall
eat the good of the land._ He said many people were willing enough to
be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, which was to
confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which
he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make
me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to
be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no
heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my
breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these
things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.
Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was
much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer,
and under the word. In the evening, while Mr. _M――――e_ was discoursing
on these words, _Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from
iniquity_, _2 Timothy ii. 19_. I found much enlargement in private
prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found
blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is
not my own fault.
Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all
last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay.
Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.
Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from
him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This
day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day
before. I can say my soul is a thirst for God, even for the living God.
I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and
to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy
child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.
Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on
a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to
me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be
possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.
*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I
have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last
three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my
besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness
I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour
to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the
ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon
him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist
them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires
are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day:
if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely
desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search
well if there be any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting.
Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause
of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for
mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at
night, while my uncle was preaching on these words. _Only believe._
_Mark v. 36._
Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’
mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions,
thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in
prayer.
Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest
desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself
stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me.
Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief,
my burden. Lord give me power over it.
Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by
reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what
to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes
cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet
rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and
taste an earnest of eternal bliss; _Amen_, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me
in earnest, make me alive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this
halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then
let me serve thee.
Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I
spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear
and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled
me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.
Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private
duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart
to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the
week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait
upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never
doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew
their strength.
Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God
for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an
earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How
time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant,
utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided
me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been,
to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now
I am come to years of reason, should it not be my one endeavour, my
constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his
by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my
dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and
confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf?
Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do. _Jesus_ Lord lend me
thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit,
a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my
prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to
reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time,
and thine to eternity.
Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold,
however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found
little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which
has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way
than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O
how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are
delivered from it!
Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as
cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or
softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under
the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mind very
wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I
really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving
heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God,
when shall I be worthy?
Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was
meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but
my old companion coldness returned in the evening.
Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of
genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner
as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity
is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when
children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been
taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any
natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my
earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a
right use of these privileges!
Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading
and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.
Wednesday, April 2. The Rev. Mr. _Wesley_ gave us his company to tea,
and afterwards preached on _Romans viii. 33, 34_. I found my mind very
wandering. The next evening he preached again on _John v. 8, 9_. Jesus
_saith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk_. I found a blessing
this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is
ours!
Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon
the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who
this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God,
what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I
find him not. I was also much blest in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_
was preaching on these words, _John xvii. 3_. _This is eternal life_,
&c.
Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer
and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me
to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my
heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him
for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give
up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord,
thou hast said, I _came not to call the righteous, but sinners to
repentance_. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy
mercy’s sake!
“No need of thee the righteous have,
Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
I found the word very sweet in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_ was
inforcing the words, _Matthew ix. 5_. _Whether is it easier to say,
Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?_
Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing,
while Mr. _Wesley_ was preaching on _Isaiah xxxv. 8_. _And a highway
shall be there, and a way_, &c. And also afterwards while he was
adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to
come to the Lord, while Mr. _Wesley_ was inviting us to _come and drink
of the water of life freely_, but still I had not power to accept the
invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.
Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards
found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and
his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also
in private prayer.
Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly
occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years;
when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how
many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have
been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet
now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I
have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have
been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lost ground,
while I was in _London_ and _Kendal_. How wisely does God order all
things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how
ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life
devoted to his service!