Blackerby; O may I live his life, die his death, and be in the place
where doubtless he now is. There I shall be free from all impurity, all
sorrow, all sin, and be eternally out of the reach of death.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I was in a serious, tho’ dead frame.
Lord, quicken, strengthen, and comfort me by thy word, and spirit.
*Thursday 28. Was my birth-day. I found a desire, and resolution, to
be more devoted to God the ensuing year, than I was the foregoing. O
may the Lord enable me to perform my resolutions. I also found serious
reflections on the shortness of life, and thankfulness to God, for
sparing me to see fourteen years. O may I let these reflections have
their due weight, and influence on all my conduct for the time to come.
And always consider that
“My life is a dream,
My time as a stream,
Glides swiftly away:
And the fugitive moments for no one will stay.”
Lord, do thou give me _so to number my days, that I may apply my heart
unto wisdom_.
Saturday, March 2. My uncle returned home, and with him my aunt B――――ly,
whom I was much rejoiced to see.
Saturday 9. This evening poor Mrs. L――――, was taken extreamly ill. It
brought many serious reflections to my mind. Well may we say, in the
midst of life we are in death. O may I always consider this and never
yield to levity, or any thing which is displeasing to a God of the
strictest purity, who may strike me dead in a moment; and since I may
die this day, let me spend this and every other as tho’ it were my last.
Sunday 17. At night as I sat by the fire-side, I found my soul blest,
and many serious reflections brought to my mind, which continued till
I went to bed.
Monday 18. I awoke in much the same state, and continued so all the day,
blessed be God.
Tuesday 19. The text this evening was John v. 8. _Wilt thou be made
whole?_ My heart seemed ♦to reply, Yea, Lord, I will if thou wilt: and
of this I need not doubt; for thou art always more ready to give, than
I am to receive. O that thou ♠would’st ever
“Make me willing to receive,
All thy goodness waits to give.”
♦ duplicate word “to” removed
♠ “woud’st” replaced with “would’st”
Saturday 23. My soul was much blest, and my heart raised in
thankfulness for the many mercies I have received at the hands of
my merciful God: at the same time I was humbled under a sense of the
ungrateful returns I have made him.
“When all the mercies of my God
My rising soul surveys,
Why, my cold heart, art thou not lost,
In wonder, love, and praise.”
Sunday 24. Mr. Murry, preached from _Numbers xxiii. 10_. _Let me die
the death of the righteous_, &c. O may I not only die his death, but
also live his life; for indeed ’tis impossible to do the former, unless
we first do the latter.
Saturday 30. Mr. F――――l, in the evening preached on _John xx. 19_.
_Peace be unto you._ Tho’ I was much tempted with drowsiness under the
word, yet some parts of it were greatly blest to me. He afterwards met
the society, and told them, that in several places both in this round,
and others, numbers were convinced and brought to Christ. O may I be
one!
“Into that happy number, Lord,
A weary sinner take,
Jesus, fulfil thy gracious word,
For thy own mercy’s sake.”
Sunday 31. I spent the morning in reading the eight last chapters of
_Romans_, and Mr. _Wesley_’s notes upon them. Indeed I think they are a
most beautiful part of the scripture. O that they and every other part
of that holy book may be written upon my heart.
Sunday, April 7. Was Easter-day. I was prevented from hearing the
sermon by a violent tooth-ach. O how many pains are we subject to while
in this mortal life! But when this mortal shall put on immortality,
what a glorious change shall we undergo? _Lord, let this change pass
upon me, and to that end let me now rise from a death of sin unto a
life of righteousness._
“Thy resurrection’s power impart,
And rise triumphant in my heart.”
Thursday 11. At noon, we had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. _John
Wesley_’s company to dinner; and in the evening he preached on
_Jeremiah viii. 22_. _Is there no balm in Gilead_, &c. His conversation
was very edifying, and God blest it to my poor soul.
Friday 12. At five in the morning, Mr. _Wesley_ preached on _Psalms
lxxxiv. 1_. _How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of hosts._ At
night we took leave of him, and of my uncle, aunt, and Mrs. L――――.
These at one in the morning set out for _Liverpool_, and he at five
for _Newcastle-upon-Tyne_.
Sunday 14. I found my mind much oppressed with perplexing thoughts
concerning my dear parents. But why, O my soul, dost thou suffer these
anxious cares to oppress thy troubled breast? Is not the God who gave
me these tender parents at liberty to take them from me? And is he not
able to raise me up friends in their room? Besides, this is caring for
the morrow. Is it not time enough to make myself uneasy when the trial
comes, without anticipating what may never be? Then, O my soul, trust
thou in God: for he will be the help of my countenance, and my God.
Saturday 20. I was all this day in a fretful frame, which I too much
yielded to. O God, give me power over this, and every other easily
besetting sin.
Sunday 21. I read a letter of Miss B――――ts to Mr. _Wesley_, concerning
the manner of her bringing up the poor children that she has taken.
In which I could not help observing the power of faith. How has she
surmounted every difficulty that stood in her way. O may I like her
live by faith, till I shall go to live
“Where faith is sweetly lost in sight,
And hope in full supream delight,
And everlasting love.”
Monday 22. Expecting our friends home from _Liverpool_, Miss H――――e,
and I sat up to receive them; about twelve at night they came very
much fatigued. They informed us of a narrow escape they had met with;
the coach they were in was overturned with six people in it, and some
on the outside: yet not one was hurt. Surely the providence of God was
over them for good. I soon got to bed sleepy enough, and when asleep,
I dreamt a very particular dream: *I thought Mrs. L―――― bid my cousin
A――――, and me look out at a window, and we should see an angel, who
would tell us comfortable news. We did, and after some time we saw a
bright star, which grew brighter and brighter, till an angel appeared
exceedingly beautiful and majestic. As he came nearer I was quite
overwhelmed at his presence, and could scarce look at him, his lustre
so dazzled my eyes. When he approached me, I thought I faintly uttered
these words; “Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth.” At this he said, “The
Lord has sent me to tell you, that all your sins are forgiven, and will
never be remembered against you any more, unless you fall again into
sin. He has blotted out your transgressions, and cast them behind his
back.” I immediately said, How can these things be? Can I, who am so
great a sinner, and have never truly repented be forgiven? He answered;
“With God nothing is impossible. Continue waiting upon God in his
appointed way, and you will soon find the truth of these promises:” He
spoke much to me concerning my unbelief, and then suddenly disappeared,
leaving me quite overwhelmed, but much comforted. O that my dream may
be shortly fulfilled.
Saturday 27. I was in a very cold dead frame all the day, and when I
retired to prayer in the evening, I found no life, but still I had the
blessing of waiting upon God, and an earnest desire and panting in my
soul for faith, tho’ I could not utter a word. Lord, let me never rest
till I get this pearl of great price into my possession; then shall I
be truly happy, and not till then.
Sunday, May 5. My uncle met the society, and informed them of his being
to leave them soon. The sorrow that sat on every countenance would have
drawn tears from any ones eyes, who could in the least sympathize with
another’s grief. O Lord what is man! How various, how unforeseen, often
are the changes of this short life! Lord, prepare me for whatever thou
hast in thy wisdom prepared for me.
Monday 6. We were in a great hurry in packing up all the day, and at
night sat up till twelve o’clock. Having a violent cold, I was quite
disordered all the next day, so as not to be able to read or pray, or
do any thing else as I would. O how does this corruptible body press
down the soul! But when it shall escape from this prison of clay, and
wing its way to the mansions of eternal joy; how will it exult in the
glorious change, and rejoice in being delivered from this dungeon which
has so long clogged it with its manifold infirmities!
Thursday 9. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. W――――h to the
old castle on the top of the hill, where it seems Lady _Catherine
Parr_, the last wife of King Henry the VIII. was born. Indeed it is a
venerable ruin, and strongly shews what all worldly grandeur must come
to. O that I and all that are near and dear to me, may never desire
such fading transitory enjoyments! But may we seek for and obtain a
house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
“_Jerusalem_, the saint’s abode,
Whose founder is the living God.”
Monday 13. I bless God, I found my soul in a very serious frame
this day, having a measure of the spirit of prayer. O may it always
continue! *In the afternoon we took a walk to the mount, which was
thrown up to batter down the old castle on the top of the hill. It
was delightfully pleasant to see all the green fields and the little
lonely houses that stand there. I could have liked to stay there all
the afternoon, the weather was so calm and serene, and all nature
seemed lively and sprightly. O was my soul but illuminated by the Sun
of Righteousness as this earth is by the material sun! How happy, how
unspeakably happy, would it be in the possession of such a blessing!
“If this felicity were mine,
I every other would resign,
With just and holy scorn:
Chearful and blithe my way pursue,
And with the promised land in view,
Singing to God return.”
Tuesday 14. I found my soul in a serious frame all the day long,
blessed be God who kept me so.
Thursday 16. I found my soul alive. My uncle’s text was _God is love_.
_1 John xvi. 4._
Friday 17. I still continued in some measure blest. Lord increase the
spark and let it grow into a flame!
Saturday 18. I was much tempted to levity, which I gave way to. But
while Mr. C――――k was preaching in the evening from these words, _O
Israel thou hast destroyed thyself: but in me is thine help_. Hosea
xiii. 9. My soul was much refreshed, and afterwards I was enabled to
watch against every thing that might deprive me of it, so that I lay
down, and rose with it again the next morning, all thanks be ascribed
to God, for had I been left to myself, I should undoubtedly have lost
it immediately.
Sunday 19. I awoke in the same watchful spirit, and an eager desire for
faith, which I was enabled to pray for with great earnestness.
Monday 20. I yielded so much to levity, that it was with difficulty
I forced myself to duty, and when I did, I was quite cold and dead,
and my thoughts were wandering on some foolish thing or other. O God
deliver me from a trifling spirit.
Tuesday 21. I found myself thoughtful and serious in the morning, but
in the afternoon I was overcome by levity. O how soon am I drawn off
what is good? But how difficult do I find it to prevail with myself
to forsake the evil? For often when the Lord shews me the error of my
ways, though for the present I feel sorrow and regret, yet the next
temptation that offers finds me ready to comply with it; and this
doubtless I should always do, did not God in that moment step in and
hinder me by his restraining grace; such a propensity have I to do that
which grieves my God and wounds my own conscience.
Saturday 25. In the evening I retired, and entering into a strict
self-examination, I found I must own with the royal Psalmist, _my
inward parts are very wickedness_. I saw clearly that I had broken
every commandment, therefore were I to be tried by the law of works
I must eternally perish. I must come with the _Publican_, crying, God
_be merciful to me a sinner_. How truly might I say,
“No good word, or work, or thought,
Have I to buy thy grace,
Mercy I accept unbought,
Thy profer I embrace.”
*Sunday 26. In the afternoon we went to Mrs. _C――――s_ to see the corpse
of her daughter. I was not at all shocked at the sight, but it brought
many serious reflections to my mind. How is she who not many months ago
was in all the bloom and vigour of youth, cut down like a flower! So,
just so, thought I, must I shortly be: I must die, be stretched in a
coffin, and laid in the silent grave, and shortly it will be forgot
even by my nearest and dearest friends, that there was ever such a
person. O may this awful thought never be absent from my mind! How will
it lessen my esteem for all these perishing enjoyments! How will it
make me spend every precious moment, in preparation for a never-ending
eternity! May the Lord grant that when death comes, he may not appear
as a king of terrors, but like a welcome messenger sent to carry me to
my Father’s house.
Sunday June 2. In the evening my uncle preached his farwell sermon
on _Acts xx. 27_. _I have not shunned to declare unto you the whole
counsel of God._ He repeated briefly the doctrine which he had taught
them, and exhorted them to take heed, least the word should rise up in
judgement against them in the last day. O may it not against me! For
alas as yet I have been a barren fig-tree. Well may I say,
“Long have I sat beneath the sound
Of thy salvation Lord,
But still how weak my faith is found,
And knowledge of thy word.”
Lord let it be no longer so with me, but may I now bear fruit to thy
glory.
Tuesday 4. We were called up at half an hour after one, and at a
quarter past two, set out on our journey to _Chester_. When we came
near _Lancaster_, our coachman had like twice to have overturned us.
At seven we breakfasted there, at one dined at _Preston_, and at nine
in the evening reached Mr. _A――――s_ house in _Warrington_. We soon
got to bed truly fatigued, and I slept till six in the morning without
ever waking, or moving out of the posture I lay myself in when I went
to bed. About eight on Wednesday morning, we set out again, and had a
delightful journey the rest of the way to _Chester_, where we arrived
about noon. In the afternoon we took a walk round the walls. You have
here an extensive prospect of a fine open country, far unlike the
barren _Kendal_ mountains. We then walked to the dock, and from thence
to the preaching-house. Mr. _G――――d_ preached on _Matthew ix. 22_.
_Daughter be of good comfort_, &c. I found my soul humbled under a
sense of my own vileness, and fixed a resolution to set out a fresh
in the narrow way of holiness, if the Lord will give me strength; for
without he does, all my resolutions will be in vain.
Sunday 9. Mr. _G――――d_ preached, met the society and spoke to the
children. I found my soul blest. O may it be a lasting blessing, and
not like a guest which tarrieth but a day.
Monday 10. In the afternoon we went to see the infirmary. Everything
is neat and clean about it. I found a thankfulness to God, that he
had kept me from all these disorders that others have. O may my life
be singularly good, as he has been so singularly merciful to me.
I experience mercies that very few others have; which it would be
almost impossible to enumerate. How few have such parents, who from my
earliest days have instructed me how to fear and love God! How many are
tortured with broken limbs, and deprived of their sight, whilst I am
preserved from all these, and kept in health, strength, and the full
exercise of my reason. Many more mercies I am indebted for to my
gracious Benefactor; how truly may I say,
“Not more than others I deserve,
Yet God hath given me more,
For I have food whilst others starve,
Or beg from door to door.”
Thursday 13. In the afternoon I set out with my uncle, aunt, Mrs.
_L――――_, and some other friends, to go to a little village called
_Crislington_, about two miles out of the town, where my uncle was to
preach. We had a very pleasant walk, and went to see the delightfullest,
though oddest contrived garden that I ever saw. The owner of it is the
Rector of that place, but one would think by the manner of his laying
it out, that he had very little else to think of. Some part of it
represents a field of battle, a general’s tent, with cannons all round
it, a mount, a tower, a draw-bridge, and every thing to resemble a camp
of soldiers. The other parts of the garden are laid out in the same
peculiar taste.
Tuesday 18. At private prayers in the morning, I had power to pray
particularly against my besetting sins, and blessed be God, I do
in some measure overcome them. Indeed he is a God, both hearing and
answering prayer. In the afternoon we had a deal of company, and they
being good singers, past away the time very agreeably. Mr. _B――――t_
persuaded my aunt, Mrs. _L――――_, Miss _H――――_ and myself to go to his
class, which we did upon his promising not to speak to us. I like his
manner much, and I think I was profited by it.
Friday 21. In the evening I went to the chapel; there was no preaching,
but a private meeting. Having been much refreshed, especially in the
singing that hymn _Wrestling Jacob_, I had no reason to repent going.
My desires were much enlarged after God, with a hatred to sin. O that
I may indeed forsake it, and hate it as deadly poison!
Sunday 23. In the morning we went to the new chapel. Mr. _H――――_ opened
it, his text was in _2 Chronicles vi. 41_. _Let thy Priests O Lord God,
be cloathed with salvation, and let thy saints rejoice in goodness._
He concluded with saying, that as God had given us a more convenient
place to worship him in, we ought in gratitude to let our lives and
conversations be more exemplary than ever before.
Monday 24, and Tuesday 25. I spent most part of these days in
retirement, my mind was much composed, and my thoughts stayed on the
things of God.
Wednesday 26. This afternoon we came to our own house. I spent the
evening in a little room by myself. I found enlargement in prayer, and
my soul much blest.
Thursday 27. When I retired in the morning to private prayer, I
experienced great power and sweetness in the duty. My mind was kept
in a serious frame, till I went out of my chamber, when I gave way
to fretting. O how many temptations are we liable to! And while we
endeavour to shun one, we often fall into another. When I avoid levity,
I too often fall into fretting. We have need to have the wisdom of the
serpent with the harmlessness of the dove.
Friday 28, and Saturday 29. Were spent comfortably. I had great
sweetness in prayer, and much of the spirit of it.
Sunday 30. I tasted the good word of God in reading the 11th chapter of
the _Hebrews_. O how much did those excellent ones of the earth endure
for their blessed Master, while I who have every means of encouragement
I can desire, (and far more than I deserve) am careless and supine in
working out my own salvation. But since thou hast convinced me of my
error, O Lord, do thou help me to amend it, and let me now turn to thee,
with all my heart and soul.
Tuesday, July 2, and Wednesday 3. Both these days I was ill and in
violent pain. On Thursday morning I endeavoured to look to God, and
was relieved. O how good is he to me, the unworthiest of his creatures.
Lord give me a thankful heart. I was hindered going to preaching all
this week, by reason of a violent cold. But if that was sanctified, I
have need to be thankful, and to bless God for afflicting me.
Saturday 20. Tho’ I was very busy all the morning, my mind was kept in
a serious praying frame. Lord make me truly thankful for this mercy!
Sunday 21. We went to St. _John_’s church. I found my soul blest at
the sacrament, and felt an earnest desire for faith. O may it always
continue! “Lord give me faith;” Be all my cry; and he that gives me the
desire, will fulfil it.
Wednesday 24. In the evening we went down to my aunt _B――――s_, where we
parted with my dear friend Miss _H――――_. I was much concerned at taking
leave, but I comforted myself with the hope of seeing her soon again:
if we should not meet again in this vale of tears, may we meet where
crying, and pain, and death are over.
Tuesday 30. I was in a lukewarm frame all the day, but in the evening
as my uncle and others were speaking their states to one another,
I could scarce help shedding tears, to think I had made so little
use of all the means I enjoy. When I came up to bed, I found a
great earnestness for faith, which I prayed for with something of
a confidence that I should receive, till unbelief stept in: then I
thought I had not repented enough, had not forsaken my sins long enough,
and at last I yielded, rose from my knees, and lost the blessing which
I might have received, had I held on. May I learn more wisdom for the
future, and when I get such a precious moment, improve it, and not so
shamefully yield to the enemy of my soul.
Sunday, August 4. I went to church, and was much blest, particularly at
the sacrament.
Friday 16. We had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. _John Wesley_’s company
to tea, and in the evening he preached on _2 Corinthians vi. 2_. _Now
is the accepted time: now is the day of salvation._
Sunday 18. In the morning Mr. _Wesley_ preached on _Mark ix. 23_. My
soul was exceedingly blest. He seemed to speak as exactly to my state,
as if I had mentioned it to him. He answered every objection that has
oftentimes occurred to my mind against believing, and then gave me
encouragement to come to Christ, and believe in him. But when I came
home, my mind was much hurried, so that I lost the blessing I had
received. O! how unfaithful have I hitherto been, to the manifold
favours God has bestowed on me! Lord pardon the past, and make me more
faithful for the future.
Monday 19. I was much disordered with a violent cold in my head, and
so I continued all Tuesday and Wednesday, that I scarce could read,
or pray, or do any thing else, as I would have done. But praised be
God, my mind was kept in a sweet composed frame, and I had much of the
spirit of prayer. O the goodness of God to me, the most unworthy of his
creatures! Me, who have so often sinned against him! Lord write the law
of gratitude on my heart! On Wednesday our class met for the first time.
Altho’ it was something of a cross, I experienced the goodness of God.
Wednesday 28. In the evening our class met again: thanks be to God, I
was in a composed frame, and had my mind stayed on him; as indeed it
had been all the day, and all the week.
Thursday 29. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. _B――――t_ to
_Eaton_ by water, to see Lord _Grosvenor_’s seat. We had a parcel of
obstinate men in the boat, who knew nothing of the sea, and yet would
have their own way, which rendered what might have been otherwise
pleasant, very disagreeable. The gardens are extremely pleasant, and
far surpass any thing I have ever seen. My mind was fixt on God, while
I was in the boat, and I had such a confidence in him, that I don’t
know I felt fear arise once the whole time.
Sunday, September 1. At church I felt great earnestness for the
blessing.
“Author of faith, to thee I lift
My weary, longing eyes:
O let me now receive that gift,
My soul without it dies.”
Wednesday 4. In the evening I was very cold and dead. O my God, let
me never give way to a lukewarm spirit, for this of all things, I find
hurtful to my soul, and it too often brings on levity, which to me
is slow poison. It does not appear heinous as some other sins do, but
steals upon me unawares. And when I am once down, it is not an easy
matter to rise again. Therefore let me be
“Always standing on my guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 9. I was much blest this day, and my desires after the blessing
much quickened; thanks be to God. In the evening we went to chapel, Mr.
_M――――_ preached from _Luke vi. 19_. He is but a young preacher, yet
I like him much better than many others, and some parts of the sermon
were blest to me.
Wednesday 11. At night while I was meeting in class, my soul was much
refreshed, and I thought I would not give up that spark, small as it
was, for all the world’s riches. And if the foretaste be so sweet, O
what must the full enjoyment be? Lord as thou hast given me this desire,
O fulfil it! Let me never rest, till I am made a joyful partaker of the
inheritance of the saints in light.
Thursday 12. Blessed be God my soul was much alive this day also, and
I was much quickened under my uncle’s preaching in the evening.