awarded," said a writer recently, "but it does immediately affect the
merit of him to whom its awarding belongs. If a man deserves praise he
is quite as much of a man without it as with it; but no man can be so
much of a man, nor seem so much of a man, while withholding just praise
as while bestowing it."
In little matters as well as in large ones, to acknowledge the merit of
others is a duty, the performance of which is even more important to the
one who owes it, than to the one to whom it is owed. We do not fail to
express our appreciation of heroic deeds, but it is in the common,
everyday life that the words of appreciation are most sorely needed, and
too seldom spoken. Many a woman would have been greatly cheered and
helped over many hard places, if, while living, she could have heard
half as many nice things said to her by those she loved, as were put
into her funeral sermon and obituary notice.
There is, of course, a great difference between the expression of a due
and delicate appreciation of merit, and that false and exaggerated
praise which is dictated by the desire to flatter. The former is always
received with pleasure, but the latter wounds the susceptibility of
those on whom it is lavished. To a mind rightly constituted, there are
few things more painful than undeserved, or even excessive commendation.
Flattery is never excusable; deserved praise should never be withheld.
Do not be a grumbler. Is there any person more unwelcome than the
chronic growler? When we meet him he begins by growling about the
weather; then you are entertained with a long account of his aches and
pains, his trials and his losses. Nothing pleases him. His neighbors are
dishonest, church members are hypocrites, public officials are, in his
estimation, all rascals, law makers are corrupt, and the country is
going to the dogs. If you speak in commendation of an individual, he at
once attempts to belittle him in your estimation. If you praise a cause
or an institution, he is sure to find fault with what you say. He wishes
your sympathy for his troubles, but he has none to give.
We all crave sympathy, but, if we are not careful, we may exhaust the
patience, even of our best friends, with the recital of our troubles. If
your aches and pains are ever so bad, the best advice for you is "grin
and bear it." It is all very well to be an interesting invalid for a
short time. Your neighbors will bring you in good things to eat, and
your friends will bring you pretty flowers to look at, and books to
read, but do not remain too long in bed if you can help it, and do not
wear too long and sad a face when you are recovering. It will not
relieve your pain at all to tell everyone you meet how much you suffer,
and when your friends have sympathized with you a dozen times they
become a little tired of it. This advice is worthy of practice, not for
the sake of your friends only, but for your own. The burden cheerfully
borne becomes light, and any physician knows that the hopeful, cheerful
patient has many more chances of recovery than the despondent one. In
the lives of us all there are hours of anxiety, disappointment, pain and
vexation; seasons of trial that are to be met only with stubborn
patience. Greatness of soul is tested by the serenity with which these
inevitable ills are borne and finally overcome. The little mind will
fret and chafe and fume over little things, even as the petty stream
over its narrow, pebbly bed, while the deep, strong river moves swiftly
and silently over the boulders that lie at its bottom.
"But," you say, "while the advice is good it is very hard to follow it."
Yes, but it is really harder not to heed it. "The bird that beats
against the iron bars of its cage suffers more than the patient
captive."
Laugh all you can. It is good for you. Physicians tell us that laughing
has a direct and positive effect upon one's health. The physical
movement caused by a hearty laugh causes the arteries to dilate and the
flow of blood to hasten, thus promoting an acceleration of vital
processes; and a mental action through stimulating the blood vessels of
the brain. He who administers medicine in the shape of wit and humor to
the sad heart is most assuredly a "good Samaritan."
The irresistible, good-humored philosophy of Mark Twain has relieved the
depression and sorrow of multitudes. He has compelled us to laugh, and
his mission in the world has been a beneficent one. A cheerful face is
as good for an invalid as pleasant weather. Cheerfulness is health,
melancholy is disease. Cheerfulness is just as natural to the heart of a
man in sound moral and physical health as color to his cheeks, and
wherever we see habitual gloom we may be sure there is something
radically wrong in the animal economy or the moral sense.
Sydney Smith once gave a lady two-and-twenty receipts against
melancholy. One was a bright fire; another, to remember all the pleasant
things said to her; another, to keep a box of sugar plums on the chimney
piece and a kettle simmering on the hob. These are trivial things in
themselves but life is made up of these little pleasures and none
should be neglected because of their seemingly trifling nature.
If our temperament does not make us naturally cheerful, we can, at
least, cultivate those habits of body and mind which seem most favorable
to the growth of this condition. We can keep the mind open to cheerful
impressions, and close it to those that are gloomy. It is far better to
magnify our blessings than to depreciate them. The Spaniard of whom
Southey tells that he always put on his magnifying glasses when he ate
cherries, in order to make them seem larger, had the true philosophy of
life. So the ancient Pompeiians seem to have well understood the art of
making the most of everything. Their gardens were very small, but by
painting the surrounding walls with plants and landscapes their little
area became indefinitely enlarged to the eye of the observer.
PERSONAL PECULIARITIES.
_"Eccentricity may be harmless, but it never can be commendable;
it is one of the children of that prolific failing--vanity. And
whether it shows in feeling, manners, or peculiarities of dress,
it is clearly acted upon from the presumptuous supposition that
the many are in the wrong, the individual in the right."_
_Society will pardon much to genius and special gifts, but, being
in its nature a convention, it loves what is conventional or what
belongs to coming together. That makes the good and bad of
manners, namely, what helps or hinders fellowship._
EMERSON.
We all know that the outward address of a person has great influence
upon his success both in the social and the business world. Thousands of
men and women are, in their efforts to please, hindered by some
personal peculiarity which is painfully apparent to other people, but of
which they themselves seem wholly ignorant. Thousands of professional
and business men are prevented from attaining the success they might
reach by some infelicity of manner or speech which could be remedied by
a little painstaking effort.
Here is a physician who has prepared himself thoroughly for his
profession by years of hard study and by the expenditure of a
considerable sum of money, but he knows little of human nature, and but
little of the requirements of good society. He has no tact, and has not
thought it necessary to cultivate that quality. He is cold and
unsympathetic. He has no ability to make friends or to keep them. He is
not sociable, and he does not make himself agreeable to his patients by
those little kindly acts and sympathetic speeches so comforting to
invalids. He feels that he is well prepared to practice his profession,
and he regards any personal defects as of little importance. Other men
of less ability, but with more tact, soon outstrip him in the race for
public favor. He never succeeds in acquiring a large practice, and,
possibly, never knows the reason why.
A young man applies for a position as a teacher. He is well equipped in
scholarship for the place he wishes, for he led his class in college,
and he comes highly recommended as a young man of integrity and
earnestness. After a short interview the superintendent of schools
decides that he is not the man for the position and the applicant goes
away disappointed. Why was he rejected? Not by reason of poor
scholarship, nor for lack of moral character, but simply on account of
his personal appearance. He was untidy in his dress. His linen was
soiled, his coat was not brushed, his cuffs were frayed at the edges,
while his finger-nails gave evidence that he was habitually careless
about personal neatness and cleanliness. The superintendent decided at
once that he did not want him, and the young man did not know why.
Here is a young woman who is fine looking, intelligent and accomplished.
Apparently she possesses all those qualities which are necessary to make
her a favorite in society and she seems to deserve a host of friends.
Yet she is not greatly sought after by her acquaintances, and she has
few firm friends. Young men pay her but little attention, and seem
afraid of her. Other girls, less brilliant intellectually, with fewer
accomplishments, and with plainer faces, are far greater favorites in
society. Her particular weakness is that she has allowed herself to
fall into the practice of employing sarcasm to an extent which is
offensive to those with whom she talks. She has a habit of saying
disagreeable, biting things in a humorous way, and she never suspects
that people are hurt by them. She has cultivated the habit to such a
degree that she can always raise a laugh at some person's expense, and
she is constantly on the watch for opportunities to exercise this
accomplishment. Finally it dawns upon her that she does not hold her
friends; that she is sometimes slighted in the matter of invitations;
that she is not a popular girl, and she doesn't know why.
A certain clergyman is a fine preacher, capable of attracting,
instructing, and inspiring the most cultivated audiences, but he is shut
out from his proper sphere of usefulness and influence, and prevented
from reaching the position for which his endowments qualify him, by a
matter which might seem trifling in itself, but which has become
offensive through its persistent hold upon him. He exhibits a lack of
proper deference to the feelings of others, an arrogant and
unsympathetic tone of voice, and sometimes yields, under opposition, to
unrestrained violence of language. He betrays his weakness every time
anyone crosses his plans and desires. It seems hard for him to
understand that others have an equal right to their preference and
opinions. He forgets that while it is easy to be amiable when everyone
agrees with him, the test of character is in keeping the temper sweet
and reasonable when people differ from him and criticise him. He
understands his power to move audiences; he is told by persons competent
to judge that his sermons are superior; he knows that in higher
intellectual qualities he surpasses many other clergymen who secure and
retain prominent positions; yet the painful truth is forced upon him
that his services as a pastor are not sought for, while inferior
preachers are selected for places of power and influence.
A man goes into trade. He is a shrewd buyer, energetic, honest, and
keeps a good assortment of goods, but he is not obliging to customers.
He is short and crusty in his speech, irritable and sometimes almost
rude in his manner; consequently he does not hold his patrons. They
leave him, one by one, and do their purchasing at other stores where
they receive polite attention. The merchant does not prosper in
business, and he never knows why.
Here is a woman who prides herself upon her plain speaking. She boasts
that when she has anything to say she is willing to say it to one's
face, and not behind one's back. She thinks it is a mark of sincerity
and frankness to say disagreeable things and to bring one's infirmities
to the surface. Her tendencies finally become fixed habits. She finds
herself shunned by her acquaintances, and she does not know why.
Then there is the loquacious woman, the woman who monopolizes the
conversation, the woman who has an apparent contempt for paragraph and
punctuation. No matter what the topic of conversation may be, she at
once takes the management of it into her own hands, and the other
members of the company are made to feel at once that they are expected
to be only listeners. The loquacious woman may talk well--she often
does--but she fails to understand that there may be such a thing as too
much even of good things, and so she talks on and on, with an utter
disregard for the rights and the comfort of those around her.
A professional man, who possesses much intellectual force and
originality, takes pride in his unconventionality in the matter of
dress. His garments are so far from the prevailing style that they
attract attention and invite comment. He does not realize that the man
who rebels against fashion may be open even more to the imputation of
vanity than he who obeys it, because he makes himself conspicuous, and
practically announces that he is wiser than his associates. An
affectation of superior simplicity is vulgarity.
Stop a moment and recall twenty men and women of your acquaintance. You
will probably remember that two-thirds of them have some peculiarity,
some defect of speech or manner which detracts from their social and
business success, or from their usefulness. One is a gossip; another
possesses a hasty temper, while a third is intellectually dishonest,
never yielding his position, even under the most absolute proof that he
is in the wrong. One of your friends is a pessimist, and is continually
attempting to convert you to his point of view, while his wife is so
inquisitive that you at once become nervous when you perceive her
approach. A young woman of your acquaintance would be a most charming
person if she did not laugh too much. A conversation with her is, upon
her part, a perpetual giggle.
These may generally be good, intelligent, and, in many respects,
charming people, but unfortunately they are hampered by these
deficiencies. They have become so unconscious of these personal traits
that, doubtless, they would be greatly surprised were their attention
called to them. The effect of these shortcomings upon others is,
however, just as unfortunate as if they were intentionally retained and
nourished, for we usually regard the outward manner as a true index of
the inward emotion.
If so many of our acquaintances display idiosyncrasies that affect us
disagreeably, is it not possible that we too may be harboring some
remediable evil of temper, some superable infirmity of manner or of
speech which is a bar to our own usefulness, because distressing to
those with whom we are thrown?
Let us think about this.
SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES
FOR
THE MAN WHO WOULD PLEASE AND
THE WOMAN WHO WOULD CHARM.
A gentleman makes no noise; a lady is serene.
EMERSON.
* * * * *
So I talked a great deal and found myself infinitely pleased with
Brandon's conversational powers, which were rare; being no less than the
capacity for saying nothing, and listening politely to an indefinite
deal of the same thing, in another form, from me.
CHARLES MAJOR.
* * * * *
Talk about those subjects you have had long in your mind, and listen to
what others say about subjects you have studied but recently. Knowledge
and timber should not be much used till they are seasoned.
O. W. HOLMES.
* * * * *
A beautiful form is better than a beautiful face; a beautiful behavior
is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues
or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts.
EMERSON.
* * * * *
Believe nothing against another but on good authority, nor report what
may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to another to conceal it.
WILLIAM PENN.
* * * * *
"Life is like a mirror. It reflects the face you bring to it. Look out
lovingly upon the world, and the world will look lovingly in upon you."
* * * * *
But it is mostly my own dreams I talk of, and that will somewhat excuse
me for talking of dreams at all. Everyone knows how delightful the
dreams are that one dreams one's self, and how insipid the dreams of
others are. I had an illustration of this fact not many evenings ago,
when a company of us got telling dreams. I had by far the best dreams of
any; to be quite frank, mine were the only dreams worth listening to;
they were richly imaginative, delicately fantastic, exquisitely
whimsical, and humorous in the last degree; and I wondered that when the
rest could have listened to them they were always eager to cut in with
some silly, senseless, tasteless thing, that made me sorry and ashamed
for them. I shall not be going too far if I say that it was on their
part the grossest betrayal of vanity that I ever witnessed.
WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS.
* * * * *
"There is a great mistake in supposing that giving is concerned only
with material benefits. These form indeed but a small part of its
mission. Whoever creates happiness, whether by a kindly greeting, or
tender sympathy, or inspiring presence, or stimulating thought, is as
true a giver as he who empties his purse to feed the hungry."
* * * * *
Politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or
all other good qualities or talents. Without them no knowledge, no
perfection whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without
good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier a
brute; and every man, disagreeable.
LORD CHESTERFIELD.
* * * * *
"Tact, though partly a natural gift, is a good deal indebted to
education and early habits. The superiority of one sex to the other in
this respect will often be found to depend on art quite as much as upon
nature."
* * * * *
"Never is silence more eloquent than when it is preserved toward persons
older than ourselves when they voice opinions long since proven
erroneous. Age doesn't like to be contradicted, right or wrong."
* * * * *
In the supremacy of self-control consists one of the perfections of the
ideal man: not to be impulsive, not to be spurred hither and thither by
each desire that in turn comes uppermost; but to be restrained,
self-balanced, governed by the joint decision of the feelings in council
assembled, before whom every action shall have been fully debated and
calmly determined.
HERBERT SPENCER.
* * * * *
In the exhaustless catalogue of heaven's mercies to mankind, the power
we have of finding some germs of comfort in the hardest trials must ever
occupy the foremost place; not only because it supports and upholds us
when we most require to be sustained, but because in this source of
consolation there is something, we have every reason to believe, of the
Divine Spirit; something which, even in our fallen nature we possess in
common with the angels.
DICKENS.
* * * * *
"When you bury animosity don't set up a headstone over its grave."
* * * * *
I don't never hav truble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep
other pholks straight iz what bothers me.
JOSH BILLINGS.
* * * * *
"Hundreds of the most agreeable persons in fashionable society are those
who are content to be taught the things they already know."
* * * * *
It is better to return a dropped fan genteelly than give a thousand
pounds awkwardly; you had better refuse a favor gracefully than grant it
clumsily. All your Greek can never advance you from secretary to envoy,
or from envoy to embassador, but your address, your air, your manner, if
good, may.
LORD CHESTERFIELD.
* * * * *
"The art of not hearing should be learned by all. It is fully as
important to domestic happiness as a cultivated ear, for which both
money and time are expended. There are so many things which it is
painful to hear, so many which we ought not to hear, so very many which
if heard will disturb the temper, corrupt simplicity and modesty,
detract from contentment and happiness that everyone should be educated
to take in or shut out sounds according to his or her pleasure."
_Once A Week._
* * * * *
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and
deeds left undone. She never knew how I loved her. He never knew what he
was to me. I always meant to make more of your friendship. I did not
know what he was to me till he was gone. Such are the poisoned arrows
which cruel death shoots back at us from the door of the sepulchre."
* * * * *
We are only really alive when we enjoy the good will of others.
GOETHE.
* * * * *
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
GEORGE ELIOT.
* * * * *
"Power hath not one-half the might of gentleness."
* * * * *
Manner is of importance. A kind no is often more agreeable than a rough
yes.
BENGEL.
* * * * *
We are always clever with those who imagine we think as they do. To be
shallow you must differ from people; to be profound you must agree with
them.
BULWER.
* * * * *
If you want to spoil all that God gives you; if you want to be miserable
yourself and a maker of misery to others, the way is easy enough. Only
be selfish, and it is done at once.
CHARLES KINGSLEY.
* * * * *
Language was given us that we might say pleasant things.
BOVEE.
* * * * *
"The specially social qualities are good nature, amiability, the desire
to please, and the kindness of heart that avoids giving offence. A good
natured person may frankly disagree with you, but he never offends."
* * * * *
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
EMERSON.
* * * * *
Pride of origin, whether high or low, springs from the same principle of
human nature; one is but the positive, the other the negative pole of a
single weakness.
LOWELL.
* * * * *
The best possible impression that you can make by your dress is to make
no separate impression at all; but so to harmonize its material and
shape with your personality, that it becomes tributary in the general
effect, and so exclusively tributary that people cannot tell after
seeing you what kind of clothes you wear.
J. G. HOLLAND.
* * * * *
Nothing is more dangerous than to paint men as they are when by chance
they are not as handsome as they would wish to be.
EDMOND ABOUT.
* * * * *
"Borrow trouble if you have not enough already."
* * * * *
Refinement creates beauty everywhere.
HAZLITT.
* * * * *
"A lady may always judge of the estimation in which she is held by the
conversation which is addressed to her."
* * * * *
Some people cannot drive to happiness with four horses, and others can
reach the goal on foot.
THACKERAY.
* * * * *
"The clown who excites the multitudes to mirth is more a benefactor than
the conqueror who drapes a thousand homes in mourning."
* * * * *
"Tact is the art of putting yourself in another's place, and being quick
about it."
* * * * *
"It pays 100 per cent. to be polite to everyone, from the garbage
gatherer to the governor."
* * * * *
"If you wish that your own merit should be recognized, recognize the
merits of others."
* * * * *
"If you cannot be happy in one way, be happy in another; and this
facility of disposition wants but little aid from philosophy, for health
and good humor are almost the whole affair. Many run about after
felicity, like an absent man hunting for his hat while it is on his head
or in his hand. Such persons want nothing to make them the happiest
people in the world but the knowledge that they are so."
* * * * *
"An Atchison woman, who three days ago was considered the most popular
woman in town, has not one friend left; instead of sympathizing with her
friends, as she has heretofore, she began telling them her troubles."
_Atchison Globe._
* * * * *
It is the characteristic of folly to discern the faults of others and to
forget one's own.
CICERO.
* * * * *
What is it to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be
generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities,
to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner.
THACKERAY.
* * * * *
_Teach me to feel another's woe,
To hide the fault I see;
That mercy I to others show,
That mercy show to me._
POPE.
* * * * *
"The Persians say of noisy, unreasonable talk: 'I hear the noise of the
mill-stone, but I see no meal.'"
* * * * *
We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain.
ALGER.
* * * * *
It is much easier to be critical than correct.
BEACONSFIELD.
* * * * *
"'I am busy, Johnnie, and can't help it,' said the father, writing away
when the little fellow hurt his finger. 'Yes, you could--you might have
said oh!' sobbed Johnnie. There's a Johnnie in tears inside all of us
upon occasions."