value of politeness. The writer knows a clerk who is employed in a drug
store in one of the largest towns of Maine. So polite is he in his
attentions to customers, so willing to be helpful, so pleasing in his
manner, with that restraint and quietness which mark the gentleman and
destroy every trace of effusion, that he has made himself invaluable to
his employer. It is reported that, more than once, his friends have
urged him to establish a business of his own, but his employer,
realizing his value in attracting and holding customers, has turned him
from the idea by a generous increase of salary. Thousands of clerks and
thousands of professional and business men could greatly increase their
earning power by closer attention to the accepted rules of courtesy.
Some people excuse a roughness of manner by saying that they detest
affectations of all kinds, that they love the truth, that they are
perfectly frank and outspoken. Such people pride themselves upon their
naturalness, and on the ground of frankness they will wound by rude
language, will insult you, and defend their awkwardness and ill-breeding
by the plea of "natural manners." Naturalness is not always commendable.
If nature has not invested us with those qualities which are pleasing to
others, we should try to improve upon nature. The plainest truths may be
conveyed in civil speech, and it is better to "assume a virtue if you
have it not." To object to politeness on the ground that its language is
sometimes unmeaning and expressed for effect, is as foolish as it would
be to object to the decoration of our parlors or the wearing of good
clothes.
In the ordinary compliments of good society there is no intention to
deceive. Polite language is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to the
heart, while rough words are the reverse, and while they may not always
be the result of bad temper, they are quite likely to cause it.
The motive for politeness should not be the desire to shine, or to raise
one's self into society supposed to be better than one's own. The
cultivation of good manners is not merely a means to the gratification
of personal vanity, but it is a duty we owe not only to other people but
to ourselves; a duty to make ourselves better in every respect than we
are. Indeed, the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that
of good morals that they seem almost inseparable.
"Did you ever think how invisible is the armor of defence afforded by
perfect politeness?" asks _Harper's Bazar_. "Neither man, woman nor
child can resist it. The quick tempered Irish maid who loses her hold on
her tongue so easily and 'answers back' with a hot retort is abashed
when her mistress meets her with quiet courtesy. The angry person, off
guard and saying what he really does not mean, is foiled by the
self-control of his interlocutor, who has not, for an instant, forgotten
the gracious manner of good breeding."
Politeness is, perhaps, instinctive with some, but with the majority it
is a matter of training, of the slow and careful discipline of voice and
eye and carriage. Under this training all the angles of personal vanity
and self-consciousness are rubbed off, the person becomes adorned with
grace, ease, simplicity and gentleness, and what may seem to the
untrained observer as the perfection of naturalness may be simply the
perfection of culture.
Very sensitive persons who suffer acutely from fancied slights can save
themselves many wounds by always being as scrupulous in giving as they
are in exacting courtesy. To suffer one's self to perpetrate a rudeness
is to lay one's self open to the same. In nothing should we be less
economical than in politeness. It should lead us to prompt and generous
acknowledgment of every kindness, to responsive thanks when a gift,
however small, is brought to our door. It should oblige us to listen
with patient attention even to the person whose conversation is not
entertaining, to sit apparently absorbed when in public we are present
at concert or lecture. This defensive armor, so smooth, so polished, so
easily worn, will make our intercourse with society agreeable.
The fact is, that when we come in contact with human beings anywhere and
in any occupation, we are quite likely to get in return just what we
give.
A man who is always the gentleman seldom meets with rebuffs from even
the most unpolished and crude. The employer who uses kind words with his
workmen, usually gets kind words in return.
DRESS.
_"No woman is ugly who is well dressed."_
SPANISH PROVERB.
_For the apparel oft proclaims the man._
HAMLET.
_I believe in dress. I believe that God delights in beautiful
things, and as he has never made anything more beautiful than
woman, I believe that that mode of dressing the form and face
which best harmonizes with her beauty is that which pleases him
best._
J. G. HOLLAND.
As the author of this volume is a man, this chapter on dress is, of
course, written from a man's point of view. He knows very well that,
were he to attempt to write scientifically of woman's clothes he would
be lost. No one but a woman can do that. The man who tried it would soon
find himself bewildered by a maze of technical terms and expressions
which seem absolutely necessary to describe exactly what is meant.
Possibly, however, the author can take a broad, mental grasp of the
subject apart from and above the pretty finesse with which feminine
writers would treat the subject. Clothes are the woman's weapons, one of
the resources of civilization, with which woman marches forth to the
conquest of the masculine world, and the writer wishes to estimate from
the man's standpoint just how much the silks, the laces, the ribbons and
the velvets have to do in influencing the masculine heart.
What one wears is accepted as an index of one's character. Whether this
is as it should be or not, yet it is true; and we all feel, more or
less, that coarseness or refinement finds visible expression in apparel
as in no other way. "Surely," says _The Boston Journal_, "nothing so
intensifies the personality as the clothes one wears; through
association they become a part of us, help to identify us, even in some
peculiar, reactionary way, serve to control our mental states."
Many women will tell you that their most infallible cure for weariness
and the blues is to go and dress up in one of their prettiest gowns.
Many men will tell you that a clean shave, clean linen, and a fresh suit
of clothes are most reviving and soothing in their effect upon the
psychical as well as the physical man.
The statement, often made, that women dress well only to please the
men, is only a fraction of the truth.
They dress to please the men; to please one another, and to please
themselves. Which of these three motives is the strongest depends upon
the individual, for,--"while there are men and men, there are women and
women and women," and it is absurd to make any attempt to analyze
motives or to formulate principles which will apply to all women.
The men who dress well do it for the women and for themselves. The
effect that their apparel has upon others of their own sex, gives men
but little concern. If all the women should be taken from the world
tailors would at once lose half their business, for the men would
immediately begin to wear out their old clothes.
As a rule, few men care very much for fine clothes for their own sake,
but a love of dress is natural in woman, and one who exhibits
indifference in regard to her personal appearance convicts herself of
either indolence, self-righteousness or pedantry. A woman who has not
some natural taste in dress, who does not take a positive delight in
combinations of colors, who is not fond of fine apparel for its own
sake, is an anomaly.
Men do not notice details of a woman's dress. Few know enough about the
subject to distinguish cheese-cloth from _point d'esprit_. The
description in detail of a new gown as given in a fashion journal is
about as intelligible to the average man as the inscriptions on an
Assyrian tablet.
They accept the woman as a whole, and consider her, and what she has on,
as one harmonious, homogeneous, unanalyzable completeness. If you doubt
this ask a man to tell you how a certain lady was dressed at a reception
he attended the evening before. Perhaps he noticed her particularly
while there, and told you at the time that she was becomingly attired.
He may be able to tell you that she wore a pink waist, or that the
prevailing color of her costume was blue, but there his knowledge of the
subject ends.
While it is true that men give but little thought to the details of a
woman's dress, unless it is conspicuously bad, very many of them know
whether she is becomingly attired or not. While they may have no clear
idea as to whether the material of a gown cost five cents or five
dollars a yard, or whether the gown itself is quite in fashion, they
know whether the owner carries it well, and whether the material, style
and color are becoming to her. Perhaps, on the whole, a man of good
taste is a better judge than a woman as to whether she is becomingly
dressed. This is because they regard the subject from entirely different
standpoints. The stylishly gowned woman is, to the average woman, well
dressed, but not necessarily so to the man. It is a perpetual wonder to
some men why women have not the courage to reject certain combinations
and certain styles of dress that are inharmonious and ugly in
themselves, and, consequently, unbecoming to the one who wears them.
Years ago certain colors were thought to be becoming to certain types of
women. There was an undisputed tradition in regard to the colors which
the blonde should wear, and also what ones were becoming to the
brunette. This was not a dictate of fashion; it was a fact ascertained
by experience. Of late these traditions have been disregarded by
fashion, and the stylish woman wears any color or combination she
pleases, but often at the sacrifice of her good looks.
Fashion cannot change the laws of cause and effect--the laws of
harmony--and if the decided brunette chooses to wear colors which are
becoming only to blondes she does it at the expense of half her natural
beauty. Men feel this and wonder what is amiss.
A few years ago fashion made quite common a style of sailor hat with
diminutive crown made in the shape of an hour-glass. They were ugly in
themselves, and when perched upon the head detracted from the beauty of
any face. Nothing could be more ridiculous than the sight of a stout,
tall girl, with broad hips and prominent features, marching along the
street with her head surmounted by that parody on the most becoming of
all hats for a young woman--the sailor. One at once called to mind the
dice-box which the negro minstrel wears to make himself appear as funny
as possible. One man wittily characterized them as "the hats that wore
corsets." Men never liked them, but thousands of them were worn.
From a man's point of view it would be far better if women made a more
comprehensive and sensible study of their individual needs in dress and
did not blindly follow the decrees of fashion; if more women would
realize that the garment suitable to a tall, slim figure, is utterly
inappropriate to a stout, short one. When Sara Bernhardt invented the
glove which was to give size and form to her thin and poorly shaped arm,
she recognized the highest aim of fashion. When a woman is in need of a
new hat or bonnet, a man's advice would be: "Hunt the tables until you
find one which, in shape and trimming, is suitable and becoming to you.
Never mind if it is not the very latest style; if it suits your face and
figure, take it, and you will not be sorry."
In furnishing a room we understand that we should put in it only what
makes the room look better--not what is simply pretty in itself; and if
women would follow a similar plan in dress,--wear only what is becoming
to them, and not wear things, simply because they think them pretty and
fashionable, men would be better pleased. Man is attracted by a woman's
beauty itself, and whether she has just the latest modes or not seldom
interests him in the least. So the girl who would dress to please men,
should, first of all, wear what will show off her natural attractiveness
of face and figure to the best advantage; after that she may be as
fashionable as possible.
Without doubt many girls attach too much importance to dress as a means
of attracting the other sex. It is frequently the case that, when a
young lady is invited to a social function, her first thought is, "What
shall I wear?" Her second thought is, "What shall I wear?" This question
is with her much of the time until she goes to the place where she is to
be entertained; and as she enters the room her first thought is, "I
wonder how I look." If, upon an examination of the other young ladies
present, she concludes that she is as well dressed as anyone there, she
experiences a feeling of restfulness and of satisfaction, and enjoys the
evening. She imagines she must be an object of interest to the men, and
to an extent she is.
Men like women to be "well groomed." They take in her whole appearance
at a glance, and then pay but little further attention to the question
of gowns, ribbons, slippers or sashes. They want to be entertained and
amused. If the only preparation a young lady has made to render herself
attractive and interesting is the care bestowed upon her personal
appearance; if her resources for attracting consist only of a pretty
face and a graceful figure in a pretty gown, she will never become
famous for her conquests.
Simplicity and exquisitely fresh neatness and daintiness are to a man
more attractive than any extravagance of fashion or costliness of
material. No man was ever induced to propose to a girl by the splendor
of her costume. Of course it would be absurd to assert that physical
beauty is of no value, or that dress is of little importance. That girl
who is born physically beautiful, is fortunate indeed, and any girl of
common sense knows that an attractive gown or a becoming hat is of
importance. The great thing for her to understand is that there must be
something better under the becoming hat than a pretty face, for her own
happiness, and if she would be very attractive to others.
Just as there are some persons who are said to be born magnetic, so some
women are supposed to have a peculiarly attractive way of wearing
clothes which defies imitation.
Said a writer in the _Springfield Republican_: "There is a subtle
something which one cannot get on the microscopic slide, which refuses
to be reduced to percentages, which baffles description, and that is the
manner in which some women wear their clothes. Two girls with faces of
equal value and garments of identical texture will fail to produce
equivalent effects, because one has this indefinable quality, and the
other has not. Consequently we often hear it said that some girls are
more attractive in calico than others in richer material."
That there is a marked difference in the way different women wear their
clothes, no one will deny, but because some girls look and appear to
better advantage than others in the same material, is it necessary to
regard it as beyond comprehension, or to declare that it "baffles
description"? The writer did not go far enough in his description of the
two girls. While their faces were of equal value, and their clothing was
of the same material, there might be other differences which would
account for the "indefinable quality." Possibly one was pleasing in
manner and the other not. One was awkward in person and in speech,
while the other was tactful and graceful. One was dull; the other
interesting. The difference was one of physical and mental
characteristics, and not a quality that "baffles description." Indeed it
is a difference easily understood and analyzed.
If two girls have faces and forms of equal value, and are equally
graceful, tactful and well mannered, their clothes, if of the same form
and material, will be worn in much the same way, and will produce much
the same effect.
* * * * *
No man, whatever his position in the world may be, can afford to be
careless about his personal appearance. Dress may not make the man, but
we all form in our minds a very clear idea of what a man is by his
dress. We gain our first impression of persons by what they have on; our
second judgment is formed from their conversation and manner.
The well dressed man is more attractive to others, and he feels much
better himself than he would if carelessly attired. Have you noticed the
wonderful transformation which takes place in a man when he doffs his
everyday clothes and dons a dress suit? During the day he may have an
untidy and even a slovenly appearance, but as soon as he puts on a well
laundered shirt, a high standing collar, a fresh lawn tie, and a dress
suit, he seems completely changed. He looks from five to ten years
younger, and from his manner you know that he feels younger. He is on
better terms with himself and with the world.
Every woman likes a man better for being well dressed. She may excuse,
or overlook, carelessness or even slovenliness in his personal
appearance, if she is very fond of him, but she would like him much more
if he were neat and tidy and tasteful. She may forgive his green and
yellow necktie, she may overlook his soiled linen, she may make no
reference to his coat with its collar covered with dust and dandruff;
she may not let him know that she has even noticed any of these things,
but she has. She thinks of them whenever he is with her, and sometimes
when she is away from him, and she wishes he were different. She may
like him in spite of these defects. Women usually like a man in spite of
things. If a man noticed half as many things about a woman that did not
please him, he would never love her at all.
Leaving out of the question the fact that women like to have men neat
and even elegant in their raiment, no man who is seeking to make his way
in business or in a profession, can afford to be careless about his
clothes.
"A few men," says _The Lewiston Journal_, "clothed in the serenity of
soul that approaches the insanity of genius can afford to go
illy-clothed. President Lincoln was given free license to wear frock
coats unbecomingly. Horace Greeley could wear a linen duster with grace
and equanimity. But they were unique. They could make fashion look
insignificant, but you and I cannot, if we care to move amid the throng
of busy people seeking passage on the car of progress."
No better advice has been given to men on the subject of dress than in
an article which appeared in _Success_. A short extract from the article
will close this chapter.
"Clothes are one of the accepted standards by which men are judged the
world over. They form the chief standard of first impression; so, for
that reason alone, it would be difficult to overestimate their
importance. They show at a glance whether a man is neat or untidy;
careful or careless; methodical or shiftless, and what sort of taste he
has. Nothing else about him reflects so much of his personal
characteristics. So it is not surprising to be told by those who yearly
give employment to thousands of men and boys, that more applicants are
turned away on account of their personal appearance than for all other
reasons put together. But it would surprise some people very much if
they knew how widely this rule is applied.
The well dressed man is one whose clothes do not make him the object of
comment, either because they are showy or shabby. He never goes to the
extremes of fashion, thereby courting notoriety; he never goes to the
other extreme by paying no attention at all to what he wears or how he
wears it. He is always modest in his attire. He conforms to the
established customs of changing his attire as the occasion demands,
without making himself a slave to reform. He does not always wear
expensive clothes, nor is it at all necessary that he should. But he is
always clean and neat, or, as the present day has it, he is "well
groomed."
THE OPTIMIST.
_The habit of looking on the bright side of things is worth far
more than a thousand pounds a year._
--SAMUEL JOHNSON.
_"More than half the unhappiness in the world comes from a
person's unwillingness to look on the bright side so long as
a dark side can be discovered."_
We all like the optimist. The bright, cheerful, good-natured fellow, who
always looks through the cloud and sees its silver lining, is as good as
a tonic to our most pessimistic dispositions. If, then, you wish to make
yourself agreeable to others and to yourself, cultivate the habit of
cheerfulness--of always looking on the bright side. Wear a pleasant
countenance; let cheerfulness beam in your eye; let love write its mark
on your forehead, and have kind words and a pleasant greeting for those
whom you meet. Don't forget to say "good morning!" and say it heartily.
Say it to your brothers and sisters, your school-mates, your parents,
your teachers and your friends. Pleasant, hearty greetings cheer the
discouraged, rest the tired, and make the wheels of life run more
smoothly. They clear up the thorny pathways, win friends, and confound
enemies. In fact, it is impossible to resist the influence of
cheerfulness. Let a bright face beam on the darkness of defeat, shine on
the abode of poverty; illumine the chamber of sickness, and how
everything changes under its benign influence.
Victory becomes possible, competence promises a golden future, and
health is wooed back again.
On the other hand, you cannot estimate the amount of unhappiness you may
cause by wearing a clouded face and by speaking harsh, unkind words.
Many persons fret and whine all through life. They never appear to have
a generous impulse.
"They seem to have come into the world during one of those cold, bleak,
gloomy days, when there was nothing with which to build a fire. They,
apparently, grew up in the same bleak atmosphere, and they live in it
all their lives. You see their smallness in everything they do and say.
You see it in their buying and in their selling, in their talk and in
their actions. They have been well called 'the frogs that constitute
one of the plagues of society.' They have never made one heart glad, nor
shed one ray of sunshine upon man, woman, or child."
It is just as easy to be kind as to be cross, and as easy to give
pleasure as pain. It costs nothing; it is a smile, an appreciative word,
a mention of what one likes to hear spoken of rather than an irritating
reference.
If your minister has preached a sermon that interested and helped you,
tell him so. It will encourage and cheer him, and he will try to give
you still better sermons in the future. Remember that the preacher is
much more human than most people think, and that no man more highly
prizes the genuine, manly word of good cheer, sympathy and affection. If
your grocer has sold you something that was particularly good, tell him
so. No doubt you have often found fault with the tea and the flour and
the meat; then why not surprise him by letting him know that you
appreciate a good thing when you get it.
Perhaps you have children who are attending the public schools. Perhaps
their teacher by patience, tact, and the expenditure of much nerve
force, has succeeded in interesting them in their studies as they have
never been before. Don't you think it would stimulate her to still
greater effort if you should say to her when you meet: "My children are
doing well at school this term. They like you and are interested in
their work." No doubt you have often severely criticised teachers,
methods, and school management, and you have been very free with your
words of condemnation. Why not help a little by some expression of
approval if you can honestly do so.
Give pleasure to your wife, if you have one. Notice her painstaking
efforts to make home comfortable; compliment her dinner and show that
you appreciate the thousand things she does for your comfort. There is
no greater exhibition of heroic fortitude than is seen in one who dwells
in a cheerless home she does her best to brighten, and who wears away
the years in an unsatisfied desire for words and tokens of love and
sympathy which never come to her.
Do not be afraid of giving something of yourself, of letting yourself
out a little; and do not fear that your heart will run away with your
head. Do not confound sentiment with sentimentalism, and do not hesitate
to praise a thing or an act if it is really worthy of it. You need to do
this for your own sake as well as for the sake of making others happy.
"For my own sake," you say. "In what way will it help me if I bestow
praise upon another?" Praise, when it is deserved, is of more
importance to the giver than the receiver.