THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT
IT is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult
with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his
proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in
America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has
not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the
father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's
friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the
choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young
man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his
fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have
used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable
impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a
crisis.
_The Proposal_
In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the
trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.
One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel
and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the
rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to
do.
No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of
marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not
decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are
times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome
proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very
considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her
appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time
leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already
engaged, she should tell him so.
If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency
of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to
think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely
rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of
confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has
refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the
letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal
representatives, to be acted on as they think best.
The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and
woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to
have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each
other's character.
In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the
young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real
declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected
before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a
thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself.
So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter,
there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation
on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really
well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character
permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when
she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his
advances.
The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It
concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things
of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of
high ideals.
When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is
not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize
each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it
that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should
be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if
there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an
absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its
own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future
when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and,
because it is essential for those who are to marry to become
thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people,
for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does
not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at
times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.
The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband,
and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly
exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad
world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she
should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged
girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of
amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so
carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the
slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men
whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the
man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty,
or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally
meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or
sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them
embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other.
Their hostess will send them out to dinner together,--which is in
marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then
they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should
be careful not to permit her fiancé to take her away in a corner from
other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social
duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote
himself to one.
The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is
announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and
should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense
of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is
decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing
friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object
of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent
roughnesses smooth.
An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event
which they may both grace with their presence. The common human
interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the
married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will
try and be as little conspicuous as may be.
_Announcement of Engagement_
The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but
always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper
announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed
with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the
local paper or papers:
"Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter
Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding
has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after
Easter."
Or it may read: "Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr.
Hayden B. Bradley," etc.
If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each
write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two
afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be
"At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of
the young man to meet his fiancée.
The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and
her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too
rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and
tea should be served.
If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the
announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until
the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people
not to be seen very much together until its final stages.
Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the
man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and
invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The
other members of the young man's family should call upon the young
woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling
is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good
wishes. According to the position of the family, should the
elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young
lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiancé,
for them to invite her to come and visit them.
The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be
very promptly returned or answered.
If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the
young man for a visit.
_Bridal "Showers"_
The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a
wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from
one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often
now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and
the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her.
There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and
financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one
bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is
well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it
that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so
invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make
several gifts to her friend.
These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions
of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing
the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified
by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower"
duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which
will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or
especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually
given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up
the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a
kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the
way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the
recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with
semidesirable gifts.
The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost
exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few
of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the
evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The
refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The
invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally,
or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss
Hanley on Wednesday at four."
There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only
rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such
objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice
of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for
instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china,
silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one
room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a
"shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted
and nothing else for use in these places.
_The Broken Engagement_
When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the
young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief,
courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him.
It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the
man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the
return of hers also.
In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been
received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them
to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention
nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken.
The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of
the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to
friends. In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude
to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to
leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of
terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than
her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily,
without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for
faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation,
even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement,
as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever
she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he
is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow
upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement
has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This
should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a
marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost
certain outcome of which is the divorce court.
A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a
book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman
who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make
the acceptance of costly gifts wise.
_Preparation for a Wedding_
The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of
course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the
home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will
bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table,
which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be
expected to furnish.
Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the
provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the
wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household
furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for
the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest
lover,--with all save that small class of men who, either from the
most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives
so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way
of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming
pensioners rather than donors.
Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to
the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home
responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride
and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard.
The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his
share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He
should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry.
The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white
roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite
kind.
Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to
the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought
and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she
desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride
makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme
gift.
The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new
wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will
wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly
married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to
be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and
boutonnière of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in
the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock
coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In
case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her
traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same
suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses.
The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily
followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for
the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she
undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at
first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share.
The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment,
because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father.
Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to
come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he
has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of
clothes.
The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of
the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no
wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before
the style changes.
No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her
future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only
circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual
outlay,--beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for
the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice
as possible,--are those in which she marries a man of much higher
social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it
may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the
gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station.
The special gowns necessary for a bride are: Her wedding gown,--which
is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate
color if a widow,--the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception
gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain
street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of
underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as
nice as she can afford.
For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and
suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight
changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can
be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit
may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum
by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe
with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage
which in every other respect appears to be auspicious.
The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she
provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the
following:
For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases,
three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes,
and an extra quilt.
For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers,
as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for
couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the
sake of cleanliness.
For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen
bath towels. Towels for the maid should also be included.
For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common
use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special
occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be
doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and
centerpieces for the table.
For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels,
cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in
abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this
provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the
paper towel is much neater and more economical.
The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich
and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck
and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by
long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The
custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not
the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown.
It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for
her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding,
however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave
at once.
The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first
marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train.
The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations
in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for
the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and
in some a period of residence or notification is necessary.
A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the
legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience
in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the
settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters.
This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed
immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by
several witnesses.
The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It
should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be
moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the
unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into
the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to
him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are
engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were
worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved.
Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is
never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of
honor, and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong
to the ranks of worthy matrons."
It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a
day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct
of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church
wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the
organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal
party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such
rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which
ranges from ten to fifty dollars.
Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow
the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home.
If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which
the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be
provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers
of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked.
The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to
the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up
too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the
bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color
scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are
appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple
bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to
contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a
pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of
flowers, the display is vulgar.
An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the
sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to
the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An
attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the
carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which
their carriages may be speedily called.
While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to
the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family
are provided by them.