THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS
HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and
its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous
consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly
entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give
happiness.
The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one
which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at
home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young
people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The
friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a
pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of
friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need
of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of
welcome.
The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and
hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite
for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has,
however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on
"Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those
days unless one has received the card having the special invitation.
Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day
engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The
second Wednesday until April."
The custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month
avoids a "crush" on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive
informally without giving up a great part of her time.
The informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any
formal entertainment, however splendid.
The hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and
overattending to her guests.
When a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest, she
should inform them of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable
them to make an engagement to meet her, or plan entertainment for her.
Invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be, and
should be, sent out in advance of her coming, if her stay is to be
short, and if the dates of her stay are definitely known.
At a reception for the introduction of a friend, the hostess and the
guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and
receive. If the reception is very large, the butler announces the
names of the guests as they enter. The hostess gives her hand to the
newcomer, and presents her to the guest of honor. After a few words of
greeting, the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments
are served.
The refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches, salads, perhaps
creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade.
Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions. The
refreshments consist of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter,
thin biscuits, and cake.
At a dancing party the hostess receives, together with her daughters
and any guests whom she honors by asking. The host may receive, as
well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests,
looking out for the chaperons, and seeing that the young people are
supplied with partners for the dances.
At a débutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door,
the daughter next her, and the father beyond. The mother greets each
guest and then introduces the daughter. At the supper or dinner her
brother or father takes out the débutante, who sits at her father's
left. In case her brother takes her out, her father takes out the
oldest or most honored lady present.
The successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are
introduced to each other, if this is possible, so that the best of
cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling.
_Breakfasts and Luncheons_
Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, or quite ceremonious.
The hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock, usually
twelve or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair becomes a
luncheon.
Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually at a luncheon the guests
are all women.
A real breakfast menu, such as is often served on Sunday mornings in
the country, consists of fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or
fishballs, with potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, and
coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England, doughnuts.
The menu for luncheon consists usually of soup, fruit, lobster in
cutlets or croquettes, with mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled
chicken, or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes; a salad,
crackers and cheese; ice cream, with coffee, tea, or chocolate.
At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, every effort should be
made to be punctual. The success of such an occasion may be ruined by
a tardy guest.
At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room,
retaining one's hat and gloves, the latter being removed at table, and
resumed in the drawing-room after the meal, unless cards are the form
of entertainment.
As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with
them and introduces them to one another before going to the
dining-room. When no men are present the hostess leads the way to the
dining-room, and the guests find their places at the table by the name
cards. When men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows
the custom at a formal dinner.
It is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at
all social functions; and, indeed, at no affair, unless it be very
late in the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the daylight excluded
and the candles and chandeliers lighted.
_The Formal Dinner_
The most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests, which is
served in a simple and only semiformal way. This enables a hostess to
bring together only congenial people, and the group is small enough
for the talk to be largely general, and thence especially valuable, as
each brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, and his best
self to the appreciative and inspiring circle.
The formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock, or half after, or
eight. The elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours,
according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service.
There should be a waiter for every six people, although at a small
dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay.
The invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead. No
more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and
speedily served. Twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to
each cover. Children are never present at a ceremonious dinner.
In choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial,
with no glaring divergence of opinions, which would by any means make
any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general. In
seating the guests, only congenial people should be placed side by
side. The intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the
culinary harmony.
Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and remove them only at table,
resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the
drawing-room.
The dining-room must be quietly but well lighted. There should be no
glaring lights, but a soft radiance which is so general as to make
everything clear. An electric light hanging eighteen inches above the
table, or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height, either
of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions to the candlelight.
Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used.
Candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is
announced. For a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are
sufficient light.
Relatives are not seated side by side, as the effort is to have a
general mingling of the company. A clever hostess will see that her
guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before
they enter the dining-room.
The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, but if too narrow it
cannot be made to look well.
The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. A thick pad of felt or
double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth. The damask
should be immaculate and of good quality. The tablecloth should hang
almost to the floor at the corners.
At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written.
These place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center
and are otherwise blank, except for the name written on.
The place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the
plates of the guests or on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and
of sufficient size to be of real usefulness.
In setting the table, the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are
arranged at the top of the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of
several sizes, are placed on either hand, in order of use, and the
small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right.
In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, and then one takes the
next in order. Should one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the
hostess and adopt her method, whatever that may be.
On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied by two large
silver knives, a small silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork
for oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three
large forks. The folded napkin is laid in the center, with a piece of
bread in it. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork.
A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person, unless at a
country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offense.
Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate, and it
is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a
spoon.
The place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any
course when it is desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed or
chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served
in them.
The indispensable courses of a dinner are soup, fish, roast, salad,
and dessert. In arranging her menu, however, each hostess will suit
herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the
amount and kind of food.
The formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style.
At the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners, all the
ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any
of the men are served, even if some distinguished guest is among the
latter.
It is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to
eat at a dinner, but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat.
Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and bread is laid in the
napkin beside the plate.
There should be no urging of guests to eat. It is assumed that a guest
is not afraid to eat as much as he wants.
When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user takes it from the glass
plate on which it is laid, and either places it at his right hand, or
on his knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use,
but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl.
After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert is reached, everything is
cleared off but the tablecloth, which is now never removed. A dessert
spoon is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver
dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork
and spoon called an ice spoon. For the after-dinner coffee a very
small spoon is used.
Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table, or later in the
drawing-room. Cream is never served with a demi-tasse.
The napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal.
In case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should
pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of
all immediately toward some interesting matter. A mistake should be
completely ignored by both hosts and guests.
Whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy, never decline it,
but accept it, and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it.
You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it,
and put your hostess at ease.
No personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned
when one is a guest at dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare
offered, one should have declined the invitation.
Should a guest be late, the hostess need not wait more than fifteen
minutes for him, after which time, if he appear, the host rises from
the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance, but
the hostess does not leave her place. If he does not come until after
the second course, he is served only as the others are served, and no
attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him.
When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room
door, catches the eye of the hostess, and announces quietly that
dinner is served.
Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the guest of honor, and
they lead the way, the lady being seated at the right of her host.
After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. Each man
has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him,
in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to
dinner, and also in the corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side of
the table he and his lady are to sit.
After all the others have passed out, the hostess brings up the rear
with the gentleman guest of honor, who will sit at her right.
Evening dress should always be worn. For a lady a gown with low neck
and short sleeves or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat and
its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of regulation cut and color.
Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the
guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each
other, and proceed together to the table.
When the meal is finished, the hostess catches the eye of the guest at
her husband's right, smiles understandingly, and they immediately
rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, leave the room, the men
standing meanwhile. The men linger for a half-hour or so over their
cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following the ladies into the
drawing-room.
In the United States it is more usual for the men and women to leave
the dining-room together, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the
drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the
table.
After a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has
taken out to the table, to one's host and hostess. It is not good form
to omit the latter, for she should be assured that you at least have
enjoyed the evening, and that her effort at hospitality has been
appreciated by you. It is not necessary to take a formal leave of the
other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night.
A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit
of toast.
Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, peaches, strawberries, or
grape fruit. It must be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the
moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as well as the palate.
Next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell, which
should be served on crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows
for the shells, and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose.
Or they may be served more daintily without the ice, immediately after
they have been taken from the cooler, and without delay.
Then a clear soup. It may be served from a silver tureen by the
hostess, or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter.
Then fish. This may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty
mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If served by the
host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it.
Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar
relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the
table when the guests take their seats.
After the fish there can be an entrée or two of some delicate dish,
but the roast properly comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or
lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, and the waiter receive
portions from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the
lady of the house is served first, and next the guest of honor, who is
the lady at the right of the host. With the roast some vegetables are
served.
Then comes a salad, and with the salad cheese and crackers are served.
The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast.
This last may be served at the dining table, or later in the
drawing-room by the hostess.
The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, or confections.
Frequently there is a final course after the sweets, consisting of
crackers and toasted cheese.
_Visits_
It is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify
the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit. The
complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of
even pleasures to definite periods necessary. This is as important as
the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive
and leave.
The English manner of entertaining is a very excellent one, as it
gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit
to himself and also to his host. The English host sets the time of
arrival, has his servant meet the guest at the station with
conveyance, has him met at the house door again by a servant, and
shown to his room, where he is made at home by being offered some
light refreshments. He is told at what hour he will be received by his
host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually a short time before
dinner. Then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till
midday, although she provides amusement for her guests, which he is at
liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses.
After the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon,
appearing only at dinner, which is the formal meal of the day, and at
the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening. The
various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the
place, or the countryside, or play their favorite games during the
day; but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to
force it upon the guest. We do not wish to see even our most honored
guests or our dearest friends all of the time, and this arrangement
makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued.
Before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is
represented in the guest chamber. This should be as dainty and
comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, in addition to the usual
furnishings, should have other fittings intended to supply all the
comforts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet articles, and
even night robe, bathrobe, and slippers should be ready for the use of
the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at
the expected time.
If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen,
blankets, and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires, the care
of the finery, its removal at night and folding up, should not be left
to the guest. This should be attended to before bedtime by the maid,
and the bed turned down ready for occupancy.
There should, of course, be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe. The
guest, especially if her visit be for a short time, and she has not
brought her workbox, will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted
out with needles, thread, thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with
stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a
guest chamber, for, no matter how brief the stay, facilities for
writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly.
The guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or
amusement, and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her
room, and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay.
It is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes, or to
arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences.
It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring. This
should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests, rather
than according to one's personal wishes.
_Special Duties of the Country Hostess_
The country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that
of the city. Every one should, at times, return to the country, for
both physical and mental well-being. So when he is there, it is of
great importance that he get country fare and country life, rather
than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the
city.
The country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can
depend upon her servants. Her relations with them should be such that
there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants
thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country, or for any other
trivial reason promptly departing. The country hostess will, however,
fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise, both on her own and
her family's account, as well as on that of her guests.
Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much
as possible, and the most unexpected of emergencies should be
anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. Unless the country
hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires, she will
never be safe in the sending out of invitations. For the same reason,
other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness, so that
an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics
previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency.
The country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and
novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest
attractions of her home. So she should see to it that guests are left
untrammeled, to go and wander where they may wish; and also that the
guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even
in the coldest of weather.
Often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel
colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants. The hostess
should remember this, and should provide that at all times the
living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated. The
open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an
isolated country house.
"Simple things need to be excellent." The hostess should provide
fresh fruit, chickens, eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products
of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes of the city.
The hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it.
She should know the attractive walks and drives, the places of real
interest, and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots,
and the points of vantage for especially fine views, and to make
others feel the charm of the country.
The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations, should interest her
guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands, and
in getting acquainted with the trees. There should be some popular
sports provided even in midwinter, and all the necessities for the
enjoyment of these should be furnished, as well as a library, games,
and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible
days of storm which shall block all exit from the house.
The serving of meals out of doors, if the season and weather permit,
is a distinctive feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable to
city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to
serve on the lawn or piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so served
if there are servants and facilities enough. Simple meals out of doors
are preferable to more elaborate meals within. In order to do this
enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary to have the piazza or
garden somewhat secluded. A hedge, in the absence of other protection
from the curious, easily makes this possible.
The informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest
charm. Neighbors should be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as the
monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved.
The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency, is obliged to do much
herself, should either simplify her plans of entertainment, so that
she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her
part as hostess by being with her guests, or should call upon them to
assist her, and make it a companionable visit at any rate.
Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join
first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do
one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good
comradeship, as well as share in the fun.
One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the
picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any
surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young
people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a
hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms.
_Public Functions_
Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special
hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club
dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college
graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on
anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable
social affairs, and the like.
As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary
greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater
formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of
the public entertainers for the details of the service.
At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of
the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a
half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or
the most of them, have assembled, the procession to the dining-room is
headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is
seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with
the other guests in order of distinction.
After dinner, when the last course is completed and the débris
removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their
decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then,
after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day.
These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches
of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose
for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both
instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to
the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who
may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of
good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering,
whatever the object of it.
When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of
a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any
sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the
entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their
stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should
be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the
officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail
of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal
social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict
with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may
have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans.
When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while
his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is
personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in
particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only
guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or
conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his
obligation socially is imperative, and must be met.
When one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college,
or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining,
one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This
does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he
or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal
responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public
functions, in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show
even the slightest hospitality.
As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy
because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young
women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a
large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon.
This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the
graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a
co-educational university.
In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for
their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from
the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit,
acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs.
These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette
should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to
share them.