THE ART OF BEING A GUEST
JUST as the host and hostess, in sending out an invitation, obligate
themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their
guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself or herself to meet
the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway. Success in the
art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts
of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered.
A formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society.
After having once accepted the invitation, only death or mortal
illness is an excuse for not attending.
One may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty
minutes of time, if one wishes to be very prompt. The round of social
duty there is brief. A lady removes her wrap, but not her hat or
gloves, in the dressing-room, and thence goes directly to the
drawing-room. The guest here greets the host and hostess, briefly if
the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant, then
passes to the room where the refreshments are served. After partaking
of these, the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess,
unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time
with her guests.
If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception, it is not always
necessary to call afterwards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call
if the affair has been formal. One should certainly call after a tea
given to introduce a débutante, or a wedding reception, or one given
in honor of some special person or event.
If a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or
dinner, or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he
should try and satisfy himself with something else, and make no
comment upon it, doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking
that she has not well provided for him.
At a dancing party a young man should assist his hostess in seeing
that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance, and that none
are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners. His
obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored, as it
is not, of course, a private affair for his own amusement, and as upon
him, more than upon the young women, depends its success.
It is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party,
in order that all may enjoy the evening, and every one should try to
make all his friends acquainted with each other.
A young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked
to dance. After a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon.
If the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman, she
should give it unless her program is quite full. If for any reason she
refuses a dance to one man, she should not give it to another, but
should sit it out. A woman, having once promised a dance, should
fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in which case she will
dance no more during the evening. The young man who is thus refused is
free, having returned with her to her chaperon, to seek another
partner.
Unless a young couple are engaged to each other, they should not dance
together so often as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear into
secluded corners and sit out dances. It is poor taste and very
questionable etiquette, even if engaged.
When asked to dance, a woman hands the man her program, saying, "I am
not engaged for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to you."
After the dance the man may thank the woman for it, and she may make
some remark to express her pleasure in it.
If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance, he
should make profuse apologies.
A man dances first with the woman he escorts, or with the daughters of
the hostess, or her guests in the house. Afterward he may choose for
himself, always remembering that he should assist his hostess in
giving a good time to all.
A woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social
gathering. At a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the
hostess unless there is a good opportunity.
If a man is suddenly called away, he should try to find partners for
the ladies with whom he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving
to them.
It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant custom, for a man to send
flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing
party. When she is his fiancée, it is especially appropriate and
appreciated.
When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend party, one has to
follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting, so no
hard and fast rules can be laid down. One should have suitable
garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy,
and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour.
When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily draped veils are
necessary. For mountain visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps
will be in demand, than are used in the city. When it is the custom to
dress for dinner, one should always adhere to it, and so plan one's
hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well.
A guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess. The hours
between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her
household and family duties, and the guest should entertain herself
during them.
No guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment, a
drive, or any other amusement without first consulting with her
hostess. If, having friends in the same city or town, she has
invitations from them for special occasions, she should inform her
hostess of them promptly, that two plans may not be made for the same
date.
Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, she never suggests
retiring. That is the duty of the hostess.
A guest should take pains to arrive when expected. If she has promised
a visit, she should keep her promise, unless matters of serious
illness or grave moment forbid it, in which case a prompt and
explanatory apology is imperative.
The guest should decide with her hostess, early in her stay, upon the
date of her departure, if that has not been already settled in the
form of the invitation, and should then abide rigidly by it, allowing
nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess
personally, and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons, to detain
her longer.
The guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that
is done for her amusement, or should appear to be so. If she cannot
give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which
her host and hostess provide, she should not accept the invitation to
visit them.
The guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular
to the ways of the household. She should not arrive in the living-room
or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her, and
when it would embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended.
To sit up after the family has gone to bed, to lie in bed after the
entire family have risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an
important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the
door for a drive, or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been
dismissed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in
one's honor, to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport
because one wants to do something else,--these things show a total
lack of consideration on the part of the guest, and make it
impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return.
At times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and
leave the family by themselves. It is not necessary for the family
life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest. Hospitality
would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary
demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family.
The guest should never take sides in any family discussion, and if
anything unpleasant occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not
seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it.
It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any
information one may have acquired on a visit, or discuss their
characteristics and management with any one.
A guest need not attend religious services, or be present at the calls
of commonplace people, or enter into local philanthropies, unless he
wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him from all sense of
obligation in these matters. If, however, carriages are provided so
that guests may attend church, or guests are told of the hour for
family worship and are invited to be present, it is more courteous to
attend.
Guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in
any emergency, such as the absence or sickness of the servants, and
should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work
is usually to be shared by all.
In the country people visit in large parties, so when one is invited
to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one
should not hesitate for fear of being one too many.
One should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving
the servants some gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is
known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary, it
is well to give, when leaving, a small gift of money to such of the
servants as have been especially helpful. One should always treat
servants with consideration and kindness, if not with generosity. It
is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in
remembering personally the people who have served you, renewing
acquaintance with them if opportunity offers, treating them in a human
way, and not with the indifference with which you would treat a
mechanism.
If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously. The tactful,
quiet way of doing it, free from patronage, and showing only good-will
and gratitude for service rendered, is the only polite way. Money
never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman
or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an
incompetent servant.