BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC
THE test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to
strangers and the public at large. If one observes toward them the
little courtesies, then one may be safely trusted to keep to the
highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid
testing.
Always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be
unobtrusive, speaking quietly, and showing in their manner that they
each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of
humanity, and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention. They
will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which
forms the street crowd.
In places of public amusement, they will show true courtesy by not
coming in late,--that is, by being on time or missing the performance.
They will not rustle their programs needlessly. They will so dispose
of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by
them, even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the
evening to obtain them from the cloak room.
They will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing
on the stage, or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for
others to hear what is going on. They will applaud temperately, and
with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the
audience and the actors as a whole. That is, at a concert they will
not so applaud one artist as to break up the program.
At formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to
Parliamentary usage, which is really only the etiquette of debate, and
will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out, or in word or
manner express a disorderly spirit. "The greatest good of the largest
number" will be the rule of their deportment in public.
At a social occasion of any sort, every one present is under
obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure. If he
cannot or will not, he should remain away. If he is asked to play a
musical instrument or sing, he should do so without urging, for his
talents, except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked,
are or should be at the disposal of the company, or at the request of
his hostess. Any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may
be as brief as he pleases, and should be brief, unless his talent is
so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and
he is in a generous mood,--a combination of circumstances rare in any
but the most talented circles.
If you turn the pages of music for a musician, do so in a quiet and
self-forgetful manner. Interest in you is quite subordinate to
interest in the performer.
Do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations, for
mediocre talent is always profuse.
It is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's
moods, so that in company one always appears to be content, if not
happy. It adds much to the happiness of others to give this
impression, and is therefore generous as well as wise.
It is always rude to interrupt with conversation, or yawning, or any
motion, a musical performance, or any entertainment whether public or
private, in which those about one are interested. One should retire if
he cannot refrain.
Behavior in church may be taught in one great principle, providing
that principle is fundamental enough. The sense of reverence for the
things of the spiritual life may be felt, if not comprehended, by even
the child. No amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship be not
instilled, will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and
reverent worshiper or even attendant at church.
The sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends,
the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an
indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer.
Another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of
punctuality at the service. A church service is, by its very nature, a
more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other.
Therefore, to come in late, thus distracting the attention of those
who have gone to church for meditation or worship, is a far more
flagrant offense against the rights of others, than is the disturbing
of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance.
The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault, and
works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence,
in spite of all else that one may do to establish it.
Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and
enjoyment in society. One learns then what other people are thinking
about, and becomes more and more active mentally. Such an attitude
establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and
intelligence.
Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No one cares to talk twice
with a person who, no matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has
betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets.
Upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk, when
with a lady, the custom having come down from the days when dangers
beset the path, and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the
protection of the woman.
When a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together, the
married woman takes the outside of the walk.
In passing single file other people or some obstacle, the gentleman
always steps back and allows the lady to precede him. If, however, the
way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected, he
goes first.
In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first.
A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind, infirm, or
crippled, or in a turbulent crowd.
The considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at
night, much less a home, his own or any other, in a noisy, careless
fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if
they were awake, and more also.
The modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car, a
train, a restaurant, or a theatre, is a much more rational one than
the older form of permitting one to act as host, as if he were in his
own house. A gentleman might offer to pay for others, if he wished to,
but he should not insist upon paying; nor should any one carelessly or
designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another, unless he
himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time.
In entering a carriage or automobile, one should step promptly,
without either loitering or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses
or the front of the automobile, and there is but one step to take, one
puts the left foot on it. If there are two steps, the right foot
should take the first, the left the second. If one is to face in the
opposite direction from what the vehicle is going, one should use the
right foot first in case of the one step, and the left foot first in
case of the two.
When two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together, the
guest should enter first, taking the farther seat, facing the front of
the carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass
her. When a mother and daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes,
and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present. In case
of two daughters, the elder sits by the side of the mother, and the
younger sits opposite.
The fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the
winter, and from three to six-thirty in the summer.
Young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without
an escort. In the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In case
a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind, keeping watch that he
may be of service.
A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, simple, and inconspicuous.
The hat should be plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole effect
of the costume trim serviceableness and grace, rather than prettiness.
In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand, and
stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the
saddle. The man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with
the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground. The lady then
puts her left foot into his hand, and springs up into the saddle with
his assistance.
It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; secondly, a skillful hand
on the rein. One should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an easy,
natural position, with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to
the motion of the horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, in
a line with the shoulders, and the hands should be relaxed and yet
responsive to the slightest pull of the rein.
It is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a
side saddle. In the freedom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides
the saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal chance with them
to ride gracefully and safely,--a privilege which fashion long denied.
To keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the United
States. In England and Canada the rule of keeping to the left is
observed with the same rigidity.
In business life it is not good form to dine with your employer. This
does not include a ban upon those business dinners, where there is a
group of people, the majority of them men, with one or two unmarried
business women of equal or superior business standing, who meet over
the dinner table to talk of business problems. That occasion has its
own etiquette, and one which the business man or woman readily
fashions for himself or herself, and which follows the rules of
business expediency rather than social life.
It is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business
acquaintance unless you wish to do so.
Neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet
articles, and not depend upon the public supplies, which are,
however, supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies.
The dress for traveling should be plain and simple, suited to the need
rather than elaborate. The effect of crumpled finery is so very
unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a
public conveyance.
If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a coat or bag placed upon
it is sufficient to reserve it for you. The removal of a coat or bag
so placed is a very great rudeness.
A gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies, or to a gentleman and
lady traveling together, as he can be more readily accommodated in the
single seats than can they.
It is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat
with him to offer it to a lady who is standing, and so prevent her
from feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if there are no other
seats vacant.
When a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger, or offers her
any other civility, or begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his
hat to her.
While traveling alone, it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of
polite remarks or attentions. They should be met with equal
politeness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any
conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious.
The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual, should be
consulted in the opening of windows and doors, and the consent of
those sitting near should be gained.
It is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for
quite a period of time. One should be as expeditious as possible, and
should not seriously inconvenience others, even if he deprives himself
of some of the comfort he desires.
It is not well to travel unless you can afford it. If you can and do
travel, deal courteously and generously with those who serve you.
Ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship, or of
policemen in the street.
The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, unless under unusual
circumstances, is unwise and bad form.
Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless she is under escort of
a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for
her. When she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance, she
always pays her own fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old and
intimate friend.
When a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman
friend, it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in
her behalf. She should hand him her purse with which to purchase her
ticket.
The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a crowded public conveyance
is a serious offense against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly
eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive and is quite
permissible. But one should not impose even the odor of food upon
people who are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely
disagreeable.
The recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in
public places is a great step in advance, and must be rigidly
maintained for the sake of the public health. The chewing of gum,
while no menace to society, is as unesthetic and disgusting as
expectoration, and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a
ban.
In a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in
front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck. A book
or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against
the hat of the person in the seat in front.
Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of getting people to move out
of your way, or of getting ahead of others, are marks of great
rudeness, and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress
through a crowd or into a car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses
most rapidly.
At the ferry and all prepayment places, have the right change in
hand, so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a
boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make
change.
Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You are as culpable if you injure
another as another would be if he injured you.
To converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in
public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding.
Never show hostility, nor permit people to quarrel with you. The
irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to
adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict good-will toward all.
If you are escorting a woman, do not permit her to suffer any
discomfort; but if, by chance, she does, do not pick a quarrel with
the person who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her protection,
but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which
there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the
offense.
A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few
days in a hotel alone. Upon entering she would go to the desk and make
arrangements for a room. When the choice is made she surrenders her
hand bag to the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She should,
for her own convenience and protection, deposit valuables or large
sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the
responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume it if they are left
in the room. Upon leaving her room, she should lock her trunks and
door, and leave the key with the clerk at the desk.
A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve, but not of
haughty distance. She should dress simply and plainly, so as not to
attract attention, as she is in a public place. The only time when
elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort,
or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some
function.
A lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, will not
loiter about the hotel office, or walk out alone upon the piazza or
any conspicuous place, or stand at the windows of the parlor. She will
remember that she is in a public place, where she may encounter all
classes of people, so she will not permit herself any of the liberties
of a home. She will not go through the halls humming or singing, or
take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to
her room, even if she does shortly return it. She will not, even in
her own room, make such noise as will attract attention or disturb
other guests.
She will not call a cab herself, but will summon a bell-boy and have
him attend to it. After her baggage is packed she will let the
servants attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella and
hand bag after she is in the carriage. She will never take the liberty
of chiding a servant, but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk
at the desk.
To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, when others are by and may
be discomforted, is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right that
even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the
hotel parlor, if others are in the room, unless he has received a
unanimous invitation to do so.
One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without
being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such
greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or
demand recognition elsewhere.
A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what
dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will
wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarrassment. It
is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not
good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a
dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will
not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and
her description.
If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with
them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another
table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the passing of food,
is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her
thanks, but will not start a conversation.
The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the
additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a
safe standard of etiquette in a hotel.