CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS
_Greetings and Recognitions_
THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the
United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of
the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching
of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military
salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of
European ceremonial courtesy.
The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes
kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the
head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once
brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the
handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.
The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined
by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon.
It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they
are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in
the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and
usually nobody is deceived.
The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near
together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the
hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be
modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much
preferable upon the street or in public places.
A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as
cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting,
which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in
imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different,
however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when
she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social
position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she
elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion
admit of the formality.
A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending
to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow.
She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting
another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of
such a meeting.
The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally
from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb
of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then
quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped
hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there
mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and
letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse
prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate
personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and
vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued
holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.
The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much,
but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is
permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it,
apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private
social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial
courtesy.
The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean
only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief
coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing
acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and
denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an
acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social
system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the
necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more
flagrant social abuses.
It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow
first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a
very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to
a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.
When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she
bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So,
also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the
company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he
meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.
When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one
only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she
requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and
to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common
acceptance among Americans.
When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat.
It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a
lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom
he or a person accompanying him has been talking.
It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do
not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment
to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.
When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a
gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.
In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is
sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance
several times.
A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with
the same cordiality as with the friend.
A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in
hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very
rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.
Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not
been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet
elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.
When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel,
in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms
of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.
This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of
office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such
offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy
has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position
in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is
by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the
social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact
that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman,
does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in
order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.
An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is
often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife
of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men
and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an
elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life,
which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if
paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active
vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.
_Introductions_
The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr.
Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs.
Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the
permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the
people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."
When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is,
"Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr.
Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each
name and smiles as she greets each in turn.
Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my
friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its
definiteness.
The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I
am very glad to meet you."
If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper
to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."
Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the
names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a
subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be
speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned
from even a casual meeting.
It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch
and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction,
and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his
favor.
Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted.
The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while
they are there.
Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be
willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess
is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be
congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become
acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be
received by either, they should not be introduced.
One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same
town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the
introduction.
If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only
to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction
would be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of
hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned.
A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady
whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the
mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made
sure that the lady is willing.
It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately,
nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries
of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is
easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care
in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for
one's self.
If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would
introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak
with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own,
would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the
only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the
obligations of hospitality safeguard it.
A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced
to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that
is necessary where several introductions are being made, as at a
large reception or dancing party.
A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being
introduced.
An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect
propriety.
If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not
introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to
them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily
of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If,
however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there
together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given.
When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may
introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to
the hostess.
It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at
a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may
dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions
relieves two very embarrassing situations,--that of being introduced
by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken
around and introduced to them singly.
A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her
husband, if she so desires, without any question as to the propriety
of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to
his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his
mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but
be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval.
For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against
undesirable acquaintances.
A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has
one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of
the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in
presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President,"
with the invariable omission of his surname.
A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always
presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where
the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in
the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position.
A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an
older woman.
A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse.
If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise.
If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they should
rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain
seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands
when introduced.
A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced.
Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party
should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming
to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced
as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite
each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the
man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes
his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more
or less of a conversation during the dinner.
At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all
the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as
possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the
evening.
An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part
of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his
request unless her card is full.
When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions.
As a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his
host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The
obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this
matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every
one.
_Calls_
Calls must be made in person, rather than by card left by messenger or
post, after an invitation to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar
function, and that within a week or, at farthest, two weeks of the
date of the affair. One should also call in person within two weeks of
any entertainment to which one has been asked, especially if one has
attended.
One need repay formal calls, where no invitation to any social
occasion has been received, only once a year. Even in this case, cards
may be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to go in person,
though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home.
Calls should be made upon the "At Home" day, if one is engraved upon
the card. If a person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, may
leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished
to call.
Society holds young people who are free to attend parties and
entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls.
Young mothers, professional women, students, invalids, and
semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules.
If a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call
afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation.
If a mother cannot call in person, her daughter or some one else may
pay the necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite the people
whom she would otherwise call on, to an afternoon tea, which is more
of a compliment than a call.
In calling at a house, should the door be opened by a member of the
family, the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman,
but steps in, asking for the person whom she wants to see. She may
leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out.
If a maid opens the door, the card is handed to her and received on a
small tray. No well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a
visiting card.
If a caller wishes to be very formal, she leaves a card for every lady
in the family on whom she wishes to call.
In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card
with her own, and she usually does this also when making a call at the
close of the season.
An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card.
If the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may be
left for each.
A lady always rises to receive a visitor.
It takes good judgment to know when to go, but it should be cultivated
and practised. Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness,
to one's hostess if not to one's self.
After a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a
month old.
After a death the friends of the family should call in person inside
of a month. The members of the family do not receive them, however,
unless they wish to do so.
_Social Calls of Men_
A man never carries or leaves the cards of other men, nor can he leave
cards for any of the women of his family.
A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card
tray, on entering the house, a card for his hostess and one for his
host. The card for his host must be left, even if that gentleman does
not appear in the drawing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with
him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality
recently received.
If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house,
and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards.
The man who is making his first or last call for the season on the
regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each of the ladies, and
each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim.
When a man calls on a lady's day at home, and his call has no
reference to any social debts, he leaves only one card in the tray. If
he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid, he leaves
no card at all.
A man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him, or some
member of her family does, or he goes with a mutual friend who has
made sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a man, "Mother and I are
usually at home Fridays, and would like to have you call," or some
other form of invitation which denotes cordiality.
A man who desires to call in particular upon one lady, in a family
where there are several, hands his card to the servant with the words,
"Please give this to Miss Curley, and I would like to see all the
other ladies also." The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing that
he may call upon the one he especially wished to see.
If calling upon a guest in a home, you always ask for the hostess
also.
A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking stick in hand during a
formal call, though he may have left his overcoat in the hall.
_First Calls_
In America it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to
call first upon newcomers. Washington is a well-known exception to
this rule, as strangers there call first upon government officials and
their families. In most European cities newcomers call first upon
those already in residence. The residents, from the officials down,
return their cards, and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations
to social functions.
In practice the resident does not usually know anything about the
stranger, and may not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes the
newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month, to those with
whom she would like to become acquainted. If she can enclose the card
of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for her social standing, her
position is more quickly and more surely granted her.
Clergymen and their families, brides, and persons of note are entitled
to receive first calls. The older residents of the community are
expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers.
First calls should be promptly returned, within a week at the very
latest.
A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of
her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance.