On my arrival at home, I found my husband taken with the gout, and his
other complaints. My little daughter ill, and like to die of the
smallpox; my eldest son, too, took it; and it was of so malignant a
type, that it rendered him as disfigured, as before he was beautiful.
As soon as I perceived the smallpox was in the house, I had no doubt
but I should take it. Mrs. Granger advised me to leave if I could. My
father offered to take me home, with my second son, whom I tenderly
loved. My mother-in-law would not suffer it. She persuaded my husband
it was useless, and sent for a physician, who seconded her in it,
saying, "I should as readily take it at a distance as here, if I were
disposed to take it." I may say, she proved at that time a second
Jephtha, and that she sacrificed us both, though innocently. Had she
known what followed, I doubt not but she would have acted otherwise.
All the town stirred in this affair. Everyone begged her to send me out
of the house, and cried out that it was cruel to expose me thus. They
set upon me, too, imagining I was unwilling to go. I had not told that
she was so averse to it. I had at that time no other disposition than
to sacrifice myself to divine Providence. Though I might have removed,
notwithstanding my mother-in-law's resistance, yet I would not without
her consent; because it looked to me as if her resistance was an order
of Heaven.
I continued in this spirit of sacrifice to God, waiting from moment to
moment in an entire resignation, for whatever He should be pleased to
ordain. I cannot express what nature suffered. I was like one who sees
both certain death and an easy remedy, without being able to avoid the
former, or try the latter. I had no less apprehension for my younger
son than for myself. My mother-in-law so excessively doted on the
eldest, that the rest of us were indifferent to her. Yet I am assured,
if she had known the younger would have died of the smallpox, she would
not have acted as she did. God makes use of creatures, and their
natural inclinations to accomplish His designs. When I see in the
creatures a conduct which appears unreasonable and mortifying, I mount
higher, and look upon them as instruments both of the mercy and justice
of God. His justice is full of mercy.
I told my husband that my stomach was sick, and that I was taking the
smallpox. He said it was only imagination. I let Mrs. Granger know the
situation I was in. As she had a tender heart, she was affected by the
treatment I met with, and encouraged me to offer myself up to the Lord.
At length, nature finding there was no resource, consented to the
sacrifice which my spirit had already made. The disorder gained ground
apace. I was seized with a great shivering, and pain both in my head
and stomach. They would not yet believe that I was sick. In a few hours
it went so far, that they thought my life in danger. I was also taken
with an inflammation on my lungs, and the remedies for the one disorder
were contrary to the other. My mother-in-law's favorite physician was
not in town, nor the resident surgeon. Another surgeon said that I must
be bled; but my mother-in-law would not suffer it at that time. I was
on the point of death for the want of proper assistance. My husband,
not being able to see me, left me entirely to his mother. She would not
allow any physician but her own to prescribe for me, and yet did not
send for him, though he was within a day's journey. In this extremity I
opened not my mouth. I looked for life or death from the hand of God,
without testifying the least uneasiness. The peace I enjoyed within, on
account of that perfect resignation, in which God kept me by His grace,
was so great, that it made me forget myself, in the midst of oppressive
disorders.
The Lord's protection was indeed wonderful. How oft have I been reduced
to extremity, yet He never failed to succor, when things appeared most
desperate. It pleased Him so to order it, that the skillful surgeon,
who had attended me before, passing by our house, inquired after me.
They told him I was extremely ill. He alighted immediately, and came in
to see me. Never was a man more surprised, when he saw the condition I
was in. The smallpox, which could not come out, had fallen on my nose
with such force, that it was quite black. He thought there had been
gangrene and that it was going to fall off. My eyes were like two
coals; but I was not alarmed. At that time I could have made a
sacrifice of all things, and was pleased that God should avenge Himself
on that face, which had betrayed me into so many infidelities. He also
was so affrighted that he went into my mother-in-law's room and told
her, that it was most shameful to let me die in that manner, for want
of bleeding. She still opposed it violently so that in short she told
him flatly that she would not suffer it, until the physician returned.
He flew into such a rage at seeing me thus left without sending for the
physician that he reproved my mother-in-law in the severest manner. But
it was all in vain. He came up again presently and said, "If you
choose, I will bleed you, and save your life." I held out my arm to
him; and though it was extremely swelled, he bled me in an instant. My
mother-in-law was in a violent passion. The smallpox came out
immediately. He ordered that they should have me bled again in the
evening, but she would not suffer it. Fear of displeasing my
mother-in-law, and a total resignation of myself into the hands of God,
I did not retain him.
I am more particular to show how advantageous it is to resign one's
self to God without reserve. Though in appearance He leaves us for a
time to prove and exercise our faith, yet He never fails us, when our
need of Him is the more pressing. One may say with the Scripture, "It
is God who bringeth down to the gates of death, and raiseth up again."
The blackness and swelling of my nose went away and I believe, had they
continued to bleed me, I had been pretty easy. For want of that I grew
worse again. The malady fell into my eyes, and inflamed them with such
severe pain, that I thought I should lose them both.
I had violent pains for three weeks during which time I got little
sleep. I could not shut my eyes, they were so full of the smallpox, nor
open them by reason of the pain. My throat, palate, and gums were
likewise so filled with the pock, that I could not swallow broth, or
take nourishment without suffering extremely. My whole body looked
leprous. All that saw me said that they had never seen such a shocking
spectacle. But as to my soul, it was kept in a contentment not to be
expressed. The hopes of its liberty, by the loss of that beauty, which
had so frequently brought me under bondage, rendered me so satisfied,
and so united to God, that I would not have changed my condition for
that of the most happy prince in the world.
Everyone thought I would be inconsolable. Several expressed their
sympathy in my sad condition, as they judged it. I lay still in the
secret fruition of a joy unspeakable, in this total deprivation of what
had been a snare to my pride, and to the passions of men. I praised God
in profound silence. None ever heard any complaints from me, either of
my pains or the loss I sustained. The only thing that I said was, that
I rejoiced at, and was exceedingly thankful for the interior liberty I
gained thereby; and they construed this as a great crime. My confessor,
who had been dissatisfied with me before, came to see me. He asked me
if I was not sorry for having the smallpox; and he now taxed me with
pride for my answer.
My youngest little boy took the distemper the same day with myself, and
died for want of care. This blow indeed struck me to the heart, but
yet, drawing strength from my weakness, I offered him up, and said to
God as Job did, "Thou gavest him to me, and thou takest him from me;
blessed be thy holy name." The spirit of sacrifice possessed me so
strongly, that, though I loved this child tenderly, I never shed a tear
at hearing of his death. The day he was buried, the doctor sent to tell
me he had not placed a tombstone upon his grave, because my little girl
could not survive him two days. My eldest son was not yet out of
danger, so that I saw myself stripped of all my children at once, my
husband indisposed, and myself extremely so. The Lord did not take my
little girl then. He prolonged her life some years.
At last my mother-in-law's physician arrived, at a time wherein he
could be of but little service to me. When he saw the strange
inflammation in my eyes, he bled me several times; but it was too late.
And those bleedings which would have been so proper at first, did
nothing but weaken me now. They could not even bleed me in the
condition I was in but with the greatest difficulty. My arms were so
swelled that the surgeon was obliged to push in the lance to a great
depth. Moreover, the bleeding being out of season had liked to have
caused my death. This, I confess, would have been very agreeable to me.
I looked upon death as the greatest blessing for me. Yet I saw well I
had nothing to hope in that side; and that, instead of meeting with so
desirable an event, I must prepare myself to support the trials of
life.
After my eldest son was better, he got up and came into my room. I was
surprised at the extraordinary change I saw in him. His face, lately so
fair and beautiful, was become like a coarse spot of earth, all full of
furrows. That gave me the curiosity to view myself. I felt shocked, for
I saw that God had ordered the sacrifice in all its reality.
Some things fell out by the contrariety of my mother-in-law that caused
me severe crosses. They put the finishing stroke to my son's face.
However, my heart was firm in God, and strengthened itself by the
number and greatness of my sufferings. I was as a victim incessantly
offered upon the altar, to HIM who first sacrificed Himself for love.
"What shall I render to the Lord, for all his benefits toward me? I
will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord."
These words, I can truly say, O my God, have been the delight of my
heart, and have had their effect on me, through my whole life; for I
have been continually heaped with thy blessings and thy cross. My
principal attraction, besides that of suffering for Thee, has been to
yield myself up without resistance, interiorly and exteriorly, to all
Thy divine disposals. These gifts which I was favored with from the
beginning, have continued and increased until now Thou hast Thyself
guided my continual crosses, and led me through paths impenetrable to
all but thee.
They sent me pomatums to recover my complexion, and to fill up the
hollows of the smallpox. I had seen wonderful effects from it upon
others, and therefore at first had a mind to try them. But, jealous of
God's work, I would not suffer it. There was a voice in my heart which
said, "If I would have had thee fair, I would have left thee as thou
wert." I was therefore obliged to lay aside every remedy, and to go
into the air, which made the pitting worse; to expose myself in the
street when the redness of the smallpox was at the worst, in order to
make my humiliation triumph, where I had exalted my pride.
My husband kept to his bed almost all that time, and made good use of
his indisposition. Only as he now lost that, which before gave him so
much pleasure in viewing me, he grew much more susceptible to
impressions which any gave him against me. In consequence of this, the
persons who spoke to him to my disadvantage, finding themselves now
better hearkened to, spoke more boldly and more frequently.
There was only Thou, O my God, who changed not for me. Thou didst
redouble my interior graces, in proportion as Thou didst augment my
exterior crosses.