My maid became every day more haughty. Seeing that her scoldings and
outcries did not now torment me, she thought, if she could hinder me
from going to the communion, she would give me the greatest of all
vexations.
She was not mistaken, O divine Spouse of pure souls, since the only
satisfaction of my life was to receive and to honor Thee. I gave
everything, of the finest I had, to furnish the churches with
ornaments, and contributed to the utmost extent of my abilities, to
make them have silver plates and chalices.
"Oh, my Love," I cried, "let me be thy victim! Spare nothing to
annihilate me." I felt an inexpressible longing to be more reduced, and
to become, as it were, nothing.
This girl then knew my affection for the holy sacrament, where, when I
could have liberty for it, I passed several hours on my knees. She took
it in her head to watch me daily. When she discovered me going, she ran
to tell my mother-in-law and my husband. There needed no more to
chagrin them. Their invectives lasted the whole day. If a word escaped
me in my own justification, it was enough to make them say that I was
guilty of sacrilege, and to raise an outcry against all devotion. If I
made them no answer at all, they still heightened their indignation,
and said the most grating things they could devise. If I fell sick,
which often happened, they took occasion to come to quarrel with me at
my bed, saying, my communion and prayers were what made me sick. They
spoke as if there had been nothing else could make me ill, but my
devotion to Thee, O my Beloved!
She told me one day that she was going to write to my director to get
him to stop me from going to the communion. When I made no answer, she
cried out as loud as she could, that I treated her ill and despised
her. When I went to prayers, (though I had taken care to arrange
everything about the house) she ran to tell my husband that I was going
and had left nothing in order. When I returned home his rage fell on me
in all its violence. They would hear none of my reasons, but said,
"they were all a pack of lies." My mother-in-law persuaded my husband
that I let everything go to wreck. If she did not take the care of
things he would be ruined. He believed it, and I bore all with
patience, endeavoring, as well as I could, to do my duty. What gave
most trouble was the not knowing what course to take; for when I
ordered anything without her, she complained that I showed her no
respect, that I did things of my own head and that they were done
always the worse for it. Then she would order them contrary. If I
consulted her to know what, or how she would have anything to be done,
she said that I compelled her to have the care and trouble of
everything.
I had scarcely any rest but what I found in the love of Thy will, O my
God, and submission to Thy orders, however rigorous they might be. They
incessantly watched my words and actions, to find occasion against me.
They chided me all the day long, continually repeating, and harping
over and over the same things, even before the servants. How often have
I made my meals on my tears, which were interpreted as the most
criminal in the world! They said, I would be damned; as if the tears
would open Hell for me, which surely they were more likely to
extinguish. If I recited anything I had heard, they would render me
accountable for the truth of it. If I kept silence, they taxed me with
contempt and perverseness; if I knew anything without telling it, that
was a crime; if I told it, then they said I had forged it. Sometimes
they tormented me for several days successively, without giving me any
relaxation. The girls said, "I ought to feign sickness, to get a little
rest." I made no reply. The love of God so closely possessed me, that
it would not allow me to seek relief by a single word, or even by a
look. Sometimes I said in myself, "Oh, that I had but any one who could
take notice of me, or to whom I might unburden myself,--what a relief
it would be to me!" But it was not granted me.
Yet, if I happened to be for some days freed from the exterior cross,
it was a most sensible distress to me, and indeed a punishment more
difficult to bear than the severest trials. I then comprehended what
St. Teresa says, "Let me suffer or die." For this absence of the cross
was so grievous to me, that I languished with desire for its return.
But no sooner was this earnest longing granted, and the blessed cross
returned again, than strange as it may seem, it appeared so weighty and
burdensome, as to be almost insupportable.
Though I loved my father extremely, and he loved me tenderly, yet I
never spoke to him of my sufferings. One of my relations, who loved me
very much, perceived the little moderation they used toward me. They
spoke very roughly to me before him. He was highly displeased, and told
my father of it, adding, that I would pass for a fool. Soon after I
went to see my father, who, contrary to his custom, sharply reprimanded
me, "for suffering them to treat me in such a manner, without saying
anything in my own defence." I answered, "If they knew what my husband
said to me, that was confusion enough for me, without my bringing any
more of it on myself by replies; that if they did not notice it, I
ought not to cause it to be observed, nor expose my husband's weakness;
that remaining silent stopped all disputes, whereas I might cause them
to be continued and increased by my replies." My father answered that I
did well, and that I should continue to act as God should inspire me.
And after that, he never spoke to me of it any more.
They were ever talking to me against my father, against my relations,
and all such as I esteemed most. I felt this more keenly than all they
could say against myself. I could not forbear defending them, and
therein I did wrong; as whatever I said served only to provoke them. If
any complained of my father or relations, they were always in the
right. If any, whom they had disliked before, spoke against them, they
were presently approved of. If any showed friendship to me, such were
not welcome. A relation whom I greatly loved for her piety, coming to
see me, they openly bid her begone. They treated her in such a manner
as obliged her to go, which gave me no small uneasiness. When any
person of distinction came, they would speak against me; even to those
who knew me not, which surprised them. But when they saw me they pitied
me.
It mattered not what they said against me, love would not allow me to
justify myself. I spoke not to my husband of what either my
mother-in-law or the girl did to me, except the first year, when I was
not sufficiently touched with the power of God to suffer. My
mother-in-law and my husband often quarrelled. Then I was in favor, and
to me they made their mutual complaints. I never told the one what the
other had said. And though it might have been of service to me, humanly
speaking, to take advantage of such opportunities, I never made use of
them to complain of either. Nay, on the contrary, I did not rest till I
had reconciled them. I spoke many obliging things of the one to the
other, which made them friends again. I knew by frequent experience
that I should pay dear for their reunion. Scarcely were they reconciled
when they joined together against me.
I was so deeply engaged within, as often to forget things without, yet
not anything which was of consequence. My husband was hasty, and
inattention frequently irritated him. I walked into the garden, without
observing anything. When my husband, who could not go thither, asked me
about it, I knew not what to say, at which he was angry. I went thither
on purpose to notice everything, in order to tell him and yet when
there did not think of looking. I went ten times one day, to see and
bring him an account and yet forgot it. But when I did remember to
look, I was much pleased. Yet it happened I was then asked nothing
about them.
All my crosses to me would have seemed little, if I might have had
liberty to pray and to be alone, to indulge the interior attraction
which I felt. But I was obliged to continue in their presence, with
such a subjection as is scarcely conceivable. My husband looked at his
watch, if at any time I had liberty allowed me for prayer, to see if I
stayed more than half an hour. If I exceeded, he grew very uneasy.
Sometimes I said, "Grant me one hour to divert and employ myself as I
have a mind." Though he would have granted it to me for other
diversions, yet for prayer he would not. I confess that inexperience
caused me much trouble. I have often thereby given occasion for what
they made me suffer. For ought I not to have looked on my captivity as
an effect of the will of my God, to content myself and to make it my
only desire and prayer? But I often fell back again into the anxiety of
wishing to get time for prayer, which was not agreeable to my husband.
Those faults were more frequent in the beginning. Afterward I prayed to
God in His own retreat, in the temple of my heart, and I went out no
more.