My husband enjoying some intermission of his almost continual ailments,
had a mind to go to Orleans, and then into Touraine. In this journey my
vanity made its last blaze. I received abundance of visits and
applauses. But how clearly did I see the folly of men who are so taken
with vain beauty! I disliked the disposition, yet not that which caused
it, though I sometimes ardently desired to be delivered from it. The
continual combat of nature and grace cost me no small affliction.
Nature was pleased with public applause; grace made me dread it. What
augmented the temptation was that they esteemed in me virtue, joined
with youth and beauty. They did not know that all the virtue is only in
God, and His protection, and all the weakness in myself.
I went in search of confessors, to accuse myself of my failing, and to
bewail my backslidings. They were utterly insensible of my pain. They
esteemed what God condemned. They treated as a virtue what to me
appeared detestable in His sight. Far from measuring my faults by His
graces, they only considered what I was, in comparison of what I might
have been. Hence, instead of blaming me, they only flattered my pride.
They justified me in what incurred His rebuke, or only treated as a
slight fault what in me was highly displeasing to Him, from whom I had
received such signal mercies.
The heinousness of sins is not to be measured singly by their nature,
but also by the state of the person who commits them. The least
unfaithfulness in a spouse is more injurious to her husband, than far
greater ones in his domestics. I told them all the trouble I had been
under for not having entirely covered my neck. It was covered much more
than was covered by other women of my age. They assured me that I was
very modestly dressed. As my husband liked my dress there could be
nothing amiss in it. My inward Director taught me quite the contrary. I
had not courage enough to follow Him, and to dress myself differently
from others, at my age. My vanity furnished me with pretences seemingly
just for following fashions. If pastors knew what hurt they do in
humoring female vanity, they would be more severe against it! Had I
found but one person honest enough to deal plainly with me, I should
not have gone on. But my vanity, siding with the declared opinion of
all others, induced me to think them right, and my own scruples mere
fancy.
We met with accidents in this journey, sufficient to have terrified
anyone. Though corrupt nature prevailed so far as I have just
mentioned, yet my resignation to God was so strong, that I passed
fearless, even where there was apparently no possibility of escape. At
one time we got into a narrow pass, and did not perceive, until we were
too far advanced to draw back, that the road was undermined by the
river Loire, which ran beneath, and the banks had fallen in; so that in
some places the footmen were obliged to support one side of the
carriage. All those around me were terrified to the highest degree, yet
God kept me perfectly tranquil. I secretly rejoiced at the prospect of
losing my life by a singular stroke of His providence.
On my return, I went to see Mrs. Granger, to whom I related how it had
been with me while abroad. She strengthened and encouraged me to pursue
my first design. She advised me to cover my neck, which I have done
ever since notwithstanding the singularity of it.
The Lord, who had so long deferred the chastisement merited by such a
series of infidelities, now began to punish me for the abuse of his
grace. Sometimes I wished to retire to a convent, and thought it
lawful. I found wherein I was weak, and that my faults were always of
the same nature. I wished to hide myself in some cave, or to be
confined in a dreary prison, rather than enjoy a liberty by which I
suffered so much. Divine love gently drew me inward, and vanity dragged
me outward. My heart was rent asunder by the contest, as I neither gave
myself wholly up to the one nor the other.
I besought my God to deprive me of power to displease Him, and cried,
"Art thou not strong enough wholly to eradicate this unjust duplicity
out of my heart?" For my vanity broke forth when occasions offered; yet
I quickly returned to God. He, instead of repulsing or upbraiding me,
often received me with open arms, and gave me fresh testimonials of His
love. They filled me with the most painful reflections on my offense.
Though this wretched vanity was still so prevalent, yet my love to God
was such, that after my wanderings, I would rather have chosen His rod
than His caresses. His interests were more dear to me than my own, and
I wished He would have done Himself justice upon me. My heart was full
of grief and of love. I was stung to the quick for offending Him, who
showered His grace so profusely upon me. That those who know not God
should offend Him by sin is not to be wondered at, but that a heart
which loved Him more than itself, and so fully experienced His love,
should be seduced by propensities which it detests, is a cruel
martyrdom.
When I felt most strongly Thy presence, and Thy love, O Lord, said I,
how wonderfully Thou bestowest Thy favors on such a wretched creature,
who requites Thee only with ingratitude. For if anyone reads this life
with attention, he will see on God's part, nothing but goodness, mercy,
and love; on my part, nothing but weakness, sin and infidelity. I have
nothing to glory in but my infirmities and my unworthiness, since, in
that everlasting marriage-union thou hast made with me, I brought with
me nothing but weakness, sin and misery. How I rejoice to owe all to
Thee, and that Thou favorest my heart with a sight of the treasures and
boundless riches of Thy grace and love! Thou hast dealt by me, as if a
magnificent king should marry a poor slave, forget her slavery, give
her all the ornaments which may render her pleasing in his eyes, and
freely pardon her all the faults and ill qualities which her ignorance
and bad education had given her. This Thou hast made my case. My
poverty is become my riches, and in the extremity of my weakness I have
found my strength. Oh, if any knew, with what confusion the indulgent
favors of God cover the soul after its faults! Such a soul would wish
with all its power to satisfy the divine justice. I made verses and
little songs to bewail myself. I exercised austerities, but they did
not satisfy my heart. They were like those drops of water which only
serve to make the fire hotter. When I take a view of God, and myself, I
am obliged to cry out, "Oh, admirable conduct of Love toward an
ungrateful wretch! Oh, horrible ingratitude toward such unparalleled
goodness." A great part of my life is only a mixture of such things as
might be enough to sink me to the grave between grief and love.