I wrote an account of my wonderful change, in point of happiness, to
that good father who had been made the instrument of it. It filled him
both with joy and astonishment.
O my God, what penances did the love of suffering induce me to undergo!
I was impelled to deprive myself of the most innocent indulgences. All
that could gratify my taste was denied and I took everything that could
mortify and disgust it. My appetite, which had been extremely delicate,
was so far conquered that I could scarcely prefer one thing to another.
I dressed loathsome sores and wounds, and gave remedies to the sick.
When I first engaged in this sort of employment, it was with the
greatest difficulty I was able to bear it. As soon as my aversion
ceased, and I could stand the most offensive things, other channels of
employment were opened to me. For I did nothing of myself, but left
myself to be wholly governed by my Sovereign.
When that good father asked me how I loved God, I answered, "Far more
than the most passionate lover his beloved; and that even this
comparison was inadequate, since the love of the creature never can
attain to this, either in strength or in depth." This love of God
occupied my heart so constantly and so strongly, that I could think of
nothing else. Indeed, I judged nothing else worthy of my thoughts.
The good father mentioned was an excellent preacher. He was desired to
preach in the parish to which I belonged. When I came, I was so
strongly absorbed in God, that I could neither open my eyes, nor hear
anything he said.
I found that Thy Word, O my God, made its own impression on my heart,
and there had its effect, without the mediation of words or any
attention to them. And I have found it so ever since, but after a
different manner, according to the different degrees and states I have
passed through. So deeply was I settled in the inward spirit of prayer,
that I could scarce any more pronounce the vocal prayers.
This immersion in God absorbed all things therein. Although I tenderly
loved certain saints, as St. Peter, St. Paul, St. Mary Magdalene, St.
Teresa, yet I could not form to myself images of them, nor invoke any
of them out of God.
A few weeks after I had received that interior wound of the heart,
which had begun my change, the feast of the Blessed Virgin was held, in
the convent in which was that good father my director. I went in the
morning to get the indulgences and was much surprised when I came there
and found that I could not attempt it; though I stayed above five hours
in the church. I was penetrated with so lively a dart of pure love,
that I could not resolve to abridge by indulgences, the pain due to my
sins. "O my Love," I cried, "I am willing to suffer for Thee. I find no
other pleasure but in suffering for Thee. Indulgences may be good for
those who know not the value of sufferings, who choose not that thy
divine justice should be satisfied; who, having mercenary souls, are
not so much afraid of displeasing Thee, as of the pains annexed to
sin." Yet, fearing I might be mistaken, and commit a fault in not
getting the indulgences, for I had never heard of anyone being in such
a way before, I returned again to try to get them, but in vain. Not
knowing what to do, I resigned myself to our Lord. When I returned
home, I wrote to the good father that he had made what I had written a
part of his sermon, reciting it verbatim as I had written it.
I now quitted all company, bade farewell forever to all plays and
diversions, dancing, unprofitable walks and parties of pleasure. For
two years I had left off dressing my hair. It became me, and my husband
approved it.
My only pleasure now was to steal some moments to be alone with Thee, O
thou who art my only Love! All other pleasure was a pain to me. I lost
not Thy presence, which was given me by a continual infusion, not as I
had imagined, by the efforts of the head, or by force of thought in
meditating on God, but in the will, where I tasted with unutterable
sweetness the enjoyment of the beloved object. In a happy experience I
knew that the soul was created to enjoy its God.
The union of the will subjects the soul to God, conforms it to all His
pleasure, causes self-will gradually to die. Lastly in drawing with it
the other powers, by means of the charity with which it is filled. It
causes them gradually to be reunited in the Center, and lost there as
to their own nature and operations.
This loss is called the annihilation of the powers. Although in
themselves they still subsist, yet they seem annihilated to us, in
proportion as charity fills and inflames; it becomes so strong, as by
degrees to surmount all the activities of the will of man, subjecting
it to that of God. When the soul is docile, and leaves itself to be
purified, and emptied of all that which it has of its own, opposite to
the will of God, it finds itself by little and little, detached from
every emotion of its own, and placed in a holy indifference, wishing
nothing but what God does and wills. This never can be effected by the
activity of our own will, even though it were employed in continual
acts or resignation. These though very virtuous, are so far one's own
actions, and cause the will to subsist in a multiplicity, in a kind of
separate distinction or dissimilitude from God.
When the will of the creature entirely submits to that of the Creator,
suffering freely and voluntarily and yielding only a concurrence to the
divine will (which is its absolute submission) suffering itself to be
totally surmounted and destroyed, by the operations of love; this
absorbs the will into self, consummates it in that of God, and purifies
it from all narrowness, dissimilitude, and selfishness.
The case is the same with the other two powers. By means of charity,
the two other theological virtues, faith and hope, are introduced.
Faith so strongly seizes on the understanding, as to make it decline
all reasonings, all particular illuminations and illustrations, however
sublime. This sufficiently demonstrates how far visions, revelations
and ecstasies, differ from this, and hinder the soul from being lost in
God. Although by them it appears lost in Him for some transient
moments, yet it is not a true loss, since the soul which is entirely
lost in God no more finds itself again. Faith then makes the soul lose
every distinct light, in order to place it in its own pure light.
The memory, too, finds all its little activities surmounted by degrees,
and absorbed in hope. Finally the powers are all concentrated and lost
in pure love. It engulfs them into itself by means of their sovereign,
the WILL. The will is the sovereign of the powers and charity is the
queen of the virtues, and unites them all in herself.
This reunion thus made, is called the central union or unity. By means
of the will and love, all are reunited in the center of the soul in God
who is our ultimate end. According to St. John, "He who dwelleth in
love, dwelleth in God, for God is love."
This union of my will to Thine, O my God, and this ineffable presence
was so sweet and powerful, that I was compelled to yield to its
delightful power, power which was strict and severe to my minutest
faults.