being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not
much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come
into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are
you here with your_ Bears _again_.
124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the
Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and
ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the
Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in
half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made
the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson
Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at
Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the
Bottom yet_.
125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but
quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_.
126. One speaking of _Titus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and
deserved to be well _threshed_.
127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest
Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into
_Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to
make Presents to other Men.
128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was
the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such noble Housekeeping
in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one
Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every
Man _toasted his own Cheese_.
129. The late Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt,
I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and
being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants
told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the
same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _Godfrey_, but if his
Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town
again.
130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said
one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg:
Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow.
131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their
Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she,
the Tories _were worsted_.
132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind
with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_,
then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Glass of
your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_.
133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good
Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the
Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would
give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times
are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a
Mugg of _Strong Beer_.
134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_,
and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some
Body's Cost.
135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's
House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would
himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa
illustre, _Son of an illustrious House_.
136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers,
asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said
to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you
will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the
rest again_.
137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards
_Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_,
who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were
going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very
well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season,
the Country wants _Rakes_.
138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command
more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I
must command him ten Times over_.
139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just
as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer,
who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing
of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any
more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_.
140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long
Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is
here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_?
141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd,
_whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_?
142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind,
when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his
Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words;
_Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_
Foes.
143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands,
not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when
he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he;
then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as
you live_.
144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had
received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he
had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.
145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon
the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that
the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was
likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who
was slain above a thousand Years before.
146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools,
_than_ Fools _from wise Men_.
147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full
Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so
much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_.
148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why,
said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in
Prose.
149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober
People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next
him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.
150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he
said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the
_Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_.
151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Glass Shop,
having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great
Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment
ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a
Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass_.
152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of
the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late
Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships
in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would
readily pardon the Offence_.
153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the
_Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in
her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.
154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture
of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better
of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to
old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr.
_E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted
a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one:
_A Figg for the Irish_.
155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at
_Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the
Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It
may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my
_Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.
156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the
Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had
lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the
Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the
Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to
be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the
Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too.
157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and
Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name
was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the
Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out
in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my
Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.
158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling
every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World
he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.
159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_,
found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who
very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a
_Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.
If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him
not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord
did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there
was _room_.
160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch
Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it
rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling,
the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely
reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his
Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you
took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew
my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I
always used to do_.
161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets,
being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her
Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he
hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I
dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_.
162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for
Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their
Arms_ almost as soon as they were born.
163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial,
the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you
my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine
Months after_.
164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her
Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my
Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest
yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest
myself_.
165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the
Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the
Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began
to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies,
he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous
Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a
Physician has given it over_.
166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorkshire_
Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could
prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler,
can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them,
how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a
_Horse_ and an _Ass_.
167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into
an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur,
having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread
to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him
for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him
a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the
House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat,
Butter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling
for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill,
which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had
enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. _Jernie_, says the
_Frenchman_, Twenty Shillings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering
was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made
him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore
seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which
he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he
could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never
return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those
troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other,
at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt;
which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such
Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will
be hang_.
168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very
pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of
them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away
into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_
squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.
169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set
down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver
demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would
swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take
his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and
pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave
the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the Shilling to himself
for the_ Affidavit.
170. A Countryman passing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd,
and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members
of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let
them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State
Affairs_.
171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was
answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by
his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry,
shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to
edify by him.
172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the
_Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him,
rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not
agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies
the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good
Ground_.
173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern
of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a
Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass?
174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the
first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to
him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and
_why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_.
175. A certain Noblem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign,
coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with,
_How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which
his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Scum
is uppermost_.
176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by
his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid,
desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or
Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an
_India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there.
His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail,
he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says
his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_.
177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an Assembly at the
_Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr.
_H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could
produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said
_H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went
instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his
Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough
to keep his Promise_.
178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous
Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came
at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist:
_Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your
Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_.
179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop
to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay
8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable
enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown
Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant,
that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd
off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him,
desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more
_Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_
Ordinary _Price_.
180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a
melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was
the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his
Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that,
and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a
Beggar_.
181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John
Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him,
what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my
Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_
ruined.
182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his
Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing
more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but God and
his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you
could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at
Court_.
183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the
Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can
send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an
Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this
Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say,
_your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_.
184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on
Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent
it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick
Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came
to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender
in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to
which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But
now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our
Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight
Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack;
Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro'
the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very
Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a
Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_?
_Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can,
B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this
Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly.
185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the
Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the
Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs
presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they
are burnt already_.
186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_
along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on
one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord
_Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but
observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in
Debt; if to us, they are in Law_.
187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook,
instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had
not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one
of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in
the Belly, and too little in the Legs._
188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had
any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed
themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick
play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to
their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or
four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to
the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are
talking about Business_.
189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way,
call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of
them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your
Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you
may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp.
190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_,
had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very
extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was
always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former
would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to
prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his
Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay,
how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last
Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.
191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_,
quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At
length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment
any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_,
he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier,
then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd
the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away,
he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.
192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country
where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one
Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor,
says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be
the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if
it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.