Joe Miller's _JESTS_
OR, THE
WITS
_VADE-MECUM_.
BEING
A Collection of the most Brilliant JESTS; the Politest
REPARTEES; the most Elegant BONS MOTS, and most pleasant
short Stories in the _English_ Language.
First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them
transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious GENTLEMAN, whose
Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his
lamentable Friend and former Companion, _Elijah Jenkins_,
Esq;
Most Humbly INSCRIBED
_To those_ CHOICE-SPIRITS _of the_ AGE,
Captain BODENS, Mr. ALEXANDER POPE, Mr. Professor LACY, Mr.
Orator HENLEY, and JOB BAKER, the Kettle-Drummer.
_LONDON:_
Printed and Sold by T. READ, in _Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars,
Fleet-Street_, MDCCXXXIX.
Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.
JOE MILLER's _JESTS_.
1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body,
being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and
meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the
_Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the
Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it,
said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]
[1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_.
2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_
Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to
pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having
took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he.
3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in
_Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_,
_Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance,
striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay,
Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have
been fairly entered.
4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in
_Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd,
_Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest
_Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must
sell your Maid's too?_
5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he
happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the
Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions,
let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd.
What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd
the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind
every Thing you _hear_ in this Place.
6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which
she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more
_crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you
Rogue, said she, if I die for't.
7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at _Tunbridge_, who had made a very
large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she
would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and
pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all _pass_ the _same Way_?
8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers
used to club their _Three-Pence_ a-piece, four of them, to go to
_Westminster_, and being called by a Lawyer at _Temple-Bar_, who, with
two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to
_Westminster-Hall_: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if
he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did
not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you
know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for _Nine-Pence_.
9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little
decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would
_set him up_, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six
Week's Time he was in the _Pillory_.
10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the _Tilt-Yard_ Coffee-House,
when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General
_Deluge_; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that?
I have heard of all the _Generals_ in _Europe_ but him.
11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and
Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr.
_Powell_, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a
few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and
making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his _Box_; what said another
of the Buskin'd Wits, _that_ which _George Powell_ gave you t'other
Night?
12. _Gun Jones_, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean
Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him
some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to
give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he
remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a _Rag to his A--_. You
lie, Sirrah, reply'd _Jones_, seven Years ago _I had nothing but Rags
to my A--_.
13. Lord _R----_ having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at
the Gaming-Table in _Dublin_, some Friends condoling with him upon his
ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done,
for I have bit them, by G---- there is not one Pistole that don't want
Six-Pence of Weight.
14. Mother _Needham_, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with
her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear
Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the
Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par----, and the C--n--v--c--n
will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to
pay ten Times the Sum.
15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a
very _stinking Breath_, the Words are good, said she, but the _Air_ is
intolerable.
16. The late Mrs. _Oldfield_ being asked if she thought Sir _W. Y._
and Mrs. _H----n_, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I
don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is
a _Wedding_ between them.
17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. _G----ve_, who
is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding
ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of _Mary-Bone
Park_, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly _rude_
and had not one Bit of _Pale_ about it.
18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned
_John Scot_, asked him what difference there was between _Scot_ and
_Sot_: _Just the Breadth of the Table_, answered the other.
19. Another Poet asked _Nat Lee_ if it was not easy to write like a
_Madman_, as he did: No, answered _Nat_, but it is easy to write like a
_Fool_ as you do.
20. _Colley_, who, notwithstanding his _Odes_, has now and then said
a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of _Wharton_, that
he expected to see him _hang'd_ or _beggar'd_ very soon, by G--d, said
the Laureat, if I had your Grace's _Politicks_ and _Morals_ you might
expect _both_.
21. Sir _Thomas More_, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife
earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a _Boy_,
who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; _thou prayedst so
long for a Boy_, said Sir _Thomas_ to his Wife, _that at last thou hast
got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives_.
22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the
Counsel of the Party, for a _longer day_ to perform a Decree, said,
_Take St._ Barnaby's _Day, the longest in the Year_; which happened to
be the next Week.
23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the
last Moment, when he came to be executed on _Tower-Hill_, the Heads-man
demanded his _upper Garment_ as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking
off his _Cap_, That I think is my _Upper-Garment_.
24. The Great _Algernoon Sidney_ seemed to shew as little Concern at
his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King
for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be
prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient
and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have
his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my
_Head_ he may make a Whistle of my _A----_ if he pleases.
25. Lady _C----g_ and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a
Leather-Breeches Maker's in _Piccadilly_, the Sign of the _Cock_ and
_Leather-Breeches_, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged
to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a
one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her
Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his
Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of
his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear
Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so
good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady,
and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: _Only
take down your_ Breeches _and let your_ Cock _stand_.
26. When _Rablais_ the greatest Drole in _France_, lay on his Death-Bed,
he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received
the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was
_prepared_ for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd _Rablais_, I am ready
for my Journey now, _they have just greased my Boots_.
27. _Henry_ the IVth, of _France_, reading an ostentatious Inscription
on the Monument of a _Spanish_ Officer, _Here lies the Body of_ Don,
&c., &c. _who never knew what Fear was_. _Then_ said the King, _he
never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers_.
28. A certain Member of the _French_ Academy, who was no great Friend
to the Abbot _Furetiere_, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used
by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and _Furetiere_
being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from
when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered
_Furetiere_, there's _one_ already.
29. When Sir _Richard Steele_ was fitting up his great Room, in
_York-Buildings_, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so
worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor _Lacy_. He
happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen,
and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered
one of them to get into the _Rostrum_, and make a Speech, that he might
observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his
Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator.
Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes
uppermost. Why here, Sir _Richard_, said the Fellow, we have been
working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money,
pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir
_Richard_, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you
speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.
30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church,
altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that
Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown,
I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you;
not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same
Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, _God_, Sir, answered
the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you
ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him,
when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is
no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a
great while, Master, sin I were made.
31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another,
that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I
preach twice every _Sunday_, and _make nothing of it_.
32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most
exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk
out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended.
Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very
_moving_ Discourse.
33. Sir _William Davenant_, the Poet, had _no Nose_, who going along
the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God
preserve your _Eye-Sight_; Sir, the Lord preserve your _Eye-Sight_.
Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my _Eye-Sight_? Ah!
dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow
dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your _Spectacles_ on.
34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies
was set up in _Westminster-Abbey_, being ask'd whereabouts, he said
in the same Monument with Squire _Thyne_'s for he was his Coachman.
35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really
_Sampson_, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are
much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and
Shoulders.
36. My Lord _Strangford_, who stammered very much, was telling a
certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that _Balaam_'s Ass spoke because
he was Pri----est---- Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who
stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the
Bishop, _Balaam_ could not speak himself, and so his _Ass_ spoke for
him.
37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of
his Table, why the _Goose_, if there was one, was always plac'd next
the _Parson_. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your
Question is so odd, that I shall never see a _Goose_ for the future
without thinking of your _Lordship_.
38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil _S----ge_
could live, now my Lord _T----l_ had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits
said the other; _That is living upon a slender Stock indeed_,
reply'd the First.
39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty
Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry,
and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? _Home
for my Night-Cap_, answered the first, _For I find we are to stay here
all Night_.
40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of _Tiperary_, having
attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of
great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of
Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window,
at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by
throwing _Stones_ at him; _Your Musick, my Friend_, said one of his
Companions, is as powerful as that of _Orpheus_, for it draws the very
_Stones about you_.
41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man
in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another
speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of
the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the
House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would
oftentimes shake his _Head_, there was _nothing_ in it.
42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person
whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find
he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being
sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other,
you have _deceived_ me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a
second Time.
43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the
_French Prophets_, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to
Prison; upon which Mr. _Lacy_, one of their Followers, came one Day to
my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him,
he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said
_Lacy_, I must see him, for I come to him from the _Lord God_, which
being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him
his Business; I come, said he, from the _Lord_, who sent me to thee,
and would have thee grant a _Noli Prosequi_ for _John Atkins_, whom
thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord,
and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to
the _Attorney-General_, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a
_Noli-Prosequi_.
44. _Tom B--rn--t_ happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in
the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths,
the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to _Tom_'s turn to drink, he
diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next
him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round,
call'd out, Gentlemen, _where sticks the Ministry_? At nothing, by
G--d, says _Tom_, and so drank off his Glass.
45. My Lord _Craven_, in King _James_ the First's Reign, was very
desirous to see _Ben Johnson_, which being told to _Ben_, he went to my
Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets
sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy
Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to
come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: _Ben_,
who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his
Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you?
_Ben Johnson_, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be
_Ben Johnson_ who wrote the _Silent Woman_, you look as if you could
not say Bo to a Goose: _Bo_, cry'd _Ben_, very well, said my Lord, who
was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now
convinced, by your Wit, you are _Ben Johnson_.
46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every _Sense_
in Perfection; no, by G--d, said one, who was by, there is one you are
entirely without, and that is _Common Sense_.
47. An _Irish_ Lawyer of the _Temple_, having occasion to go to Dinner,
left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door,
_I am gone to the_ Elephant _and_ Castle, _where you shall find me_;
and if _you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and
he will read it for you_.
48. Old _Dennis_ who had been the author of many Plays, going by a
_Brandy-Shop_, in St. _Paul's Church-Yard_; the Man who kept it, came
out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he,
because you are a _Dramatick_ Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said
the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a
Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it,
S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because
I was a _Dramatick_ Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not
think you had been a _Dram o'Tick_ Poet.
49. _Daniel Purcel_, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a
Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of _January_,
they went to the _Salutation Tavern_ upon _Holbourn-Hill_, and finding
the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only
one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they
would please to have, why open your Door, said _Daniel_, and draw us a
Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that
Day, it was a _Fast_; D--mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise
Coxcomb, is he not contented to _fast_ himself but he must make his
Doors _fast_ too.
50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained
they were too _short_; the Drawer said they had no other, and those
were but _just come in_: Ay, said _Daniel_, I see you have not bought
them _very long_.
51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster,
was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a _Pun
extempore_, upon what Subject, said _Daniel_, the _King_, answered the
other, the _King_, Sir, said he, is no _Subject_.
52. _G----s E----l_ who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for
his sordid Covetousness, told _Cibber_ one Night, in the _Green
Room_, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him,
for faith _he loved him_, Ah! said _Colley_, I wish I was a Shilling
for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat,
I should be sure _you loved me_.
53. Lord _C----by_ coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called
out, where's my _Fellow_! Not in _England_, by G--d, said a Gentleman,
who stood by.
54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman
to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in _Latin_, the
Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the
Gentleman, did you not say you were a _poor Scholar_? _Yes_, reply'd
the other, _a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one Word of_
Latin.
55. Several Years ago when Mrs. _Rogers_ the Player, was young and
handsome, Lord _North_, and _Grey_, remarkable for his homely Face,
accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh, what
was a _Cure for Love_? Your _Lordship_, said she, the best I know in
the World.
56. Colonel ----, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. _James's
Square_, upon the Peace of _Reswick_, being in Company with some
Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey
on Mr. _Purcel's_ Monument,
He _is gone to that Place were only his own_ Harmony _can be
exceeded_.
Lord, Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the same Epitaph might serve for
you, by altering one Word only:
_He is gone to that Place, where only his own_ Fire-Works _can
be exceeded_.
57. Poor _Joe Miller_ happening one Day to be caught by some of his
Friends in a familiar Posture with a Cook Wench, almost as ugly as
_Kate Cl--ve_, was very much rallied by them for the Oddness of his
Fancy. Why look ye, said he, Gentleman, altho' I am not a very young
Fellow, I have a good Constitution, and am not, I thank Heaven, reduced
yet to _Beauty_ or _Brandy_ to whet my Appetite.
58. Lady _N----_, who had but a very homely Face, but was extremely
well shaped, and always near about the Legs and Feet, was tripping one
Morning over the _Park_ in a Mask; and a Gentleman followed her for a
long while making strong Love to her, he called her his _Life_, his
_Soul_, his _Angel_, and begged with abundance of Earnestness, to have
a Glimpse of her Face; at last when she came on the other Side of the
Bird-Cage Walk, to the House she was going into, she turned about and
pulling off her Mask: Well, Sir, said she, what is it you would have
with me? The Man at first Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up
his Hands, O! _Nothing!_ Madam, _Nothing_, cry'd he; I cannot say, said
my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners.
60. Sir _B--ch--r W----y_, in the Beginning of Queen _Anne_'s Reign, and
three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the _Fountain-Tavern_
in the _Strand_, on a _Sunday_ Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars
of the Church, no, by G--d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their
Company, you can be but the _Buttresses_, for you never come on the
Inside of it.
61. After the Fire of _London_, there was an Act of Parliament to
regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be _three
Stories_ high, and there were to be no _Balconies_ backwards: A
_Gloucestershire_ Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just after
this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little crooked
Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great
haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets thus
publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman.
Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament,
you are but two Stories high, and your _Balcony_ hangs over your
House-of-Office.
62. One Mr. _Topham_ was so very tall, that if he was living now,
he might be shewn at _Yeate's_ Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman
going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town,
when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the
Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at
Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to _alight_ and come in,
I'll go and call him.
63. The same Gentleman walking across _Covent-Garden_, was asked
by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would
not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give
her one of his old _Shoes_; he was very desirous to know what she could
do with one Shoe, to make my Child a _Cradle_, Sir, said she.
64. King _Charles_ II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be made,
just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all Parts
of the Kingdom, _Tom Killigrew_ went to the Taylor, and ordered him to
make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one so small on
the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it, which
seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the Meaning of
it, the Taylor said, Mr. _Killigrew_ order'd it so; _Kelligrew_ being
sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was for the _Addresses_ of
his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the _Money_ they would give him.
65. My Lord _B----e_, had married three Wives that were all his
Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a
very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and
send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all
_Ladies_ in Time.
66. Dr. _Tadloe_, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump,
thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in _Oxford_, where some
Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of _July_, the Fellows
immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries
one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a
great deal of Trouble this hot Weather.
67. An Arch-Wagg of St. _John_'s College, asked another of the same
College, who was a great _Sloven_, why he would not read a certain
Author called _Go-Clenius_.
68. _Swan_, the famous Punster of _Cambridge_, being a Nonjuror, upon
which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the
_Strand_, in the Beginning of King _William_'s Reign, on a very rainy
Day, a Hackney-Coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take
Coach, it _rains_ hard: Ay, Friend, said he, but this is no _Reign_ for
me to take Coach in.
69. When _Oliver_ first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking
upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was _God
with us_, on the other, _The Commonwealth of_ England; I see, said he,
God and the _Commonwealth_ are on _different_ Sides.
70. Colonel _Bond_ who had been one of King _Charles_ the
First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before _Oliver_, and it was
strongly reported every where that _Cromwell_ was dead; No, said a
Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given _Bond_ to the Devil
for his farther Appearance.
71. Mr. Serjeant _G--d--r_, being _lame_ of one Leg; and pleading
before Judge _For--e_, who has little or no _Nose_, the Judge told him
he was afraid he had but a _lame_ Cause of it: Oh! my Lord, said the
Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll warrant I prove every
Thing as plain as the _Nose_ on your Face.
72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put
him in Mind of an old _English_ Poet: Being asked who that was;
_Chau--cer_, replied he.
73. A certain _Roman-Catholick_ Lord, having renounced the _Popish_
Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer, _Whether the
Ministers of the_ State, or _Ministers of the_ Gospel _had the greatest
Share in his Conversion_: To whom he reply'd, that when he renounced
_Popery_ he had also renounced auricular _Confession_.
74. _Michael Angelo_, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the
Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in _Hell_, that of a certain
_Cardinal_, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first
Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope _Clement_ the
Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be defaced: You know
very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a Soul out of
_Purgatory_ but not out of _Hell_.
75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing
that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon
his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it,
but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with
it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the
Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told
him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a _Fortnight ago_, and he was
asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made he,
said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account of
him, for he had not been at Sea these _three Weeks_.
I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate
Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump
of Beef at a Friend's House.
76. An _English_ Gentleman happening to be in _Brecknockshire_, he used
sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to
be qualified by one of the little _Welch_ Justices, his Worship told
him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not
allow him to shoot there, and he had _two little Manors_; yes, Sir,
said the _Englishman_, every Body may perceive that, perceive what,
cry'd the _Welchman?_ That you have _too little Manners_, said the
other.
77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship
of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their
Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to _Prayers_ now, why,
answered the other, in Case of a _Storm_, or any Danger; ay, said the
first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us _pray_ when
there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping over-board.
78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in
Company with _Joe Miller_ and myself, who said, that being once in
great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees,
but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands
to _Prayers_, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the
Ship I am but a _Passenger_.
79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the
University of _Oxford_, spied a poor Fellow near _Abingdon_, asleep in
a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the
Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest, if you'll
assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at
present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why then, said
he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at _Abingdon_, for you know
the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet with Chapmen enough; therefore
do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and the Bridle
over my Head, and then lead you the Ass to Market, and let me alone
with the Old Man. This being done accordingly, in a little Time after
the poor Man awaking, was strangely surprized to see his Ass thus
metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said the Scholar, take this Bridle
out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here,
reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my Father, who is a great
Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me
into an Ass, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own
Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him; by all Means,
said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't desire to have any Thing to do with
Conjuration, and so set the Scholar at Liberty, who went directly to
his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they
had sold the Ass for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day,
to seek for a new one in the _Fair_, and after having look'd on
several, his own was shewn him for a very good one, O, Ho! said he,
_what have he and his Father quarrelled again already_? No, no, I'll
have nothing to say to him.
80. Mr. _Congreve_ going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen
told him, as they passed by _Peterborough_ House, that that House had
_sunk a Story_; no, Friend, said he, I rather believe it is a _Story
raised_.
81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in _London_ one Way,
being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his Friend
told him Sir _Robert Grosvenor_; I don't know, said the first, what
Estate Sir _Robert_ has, but he ought to have a very good one, for no
body _lives beyond him in the whole Town_.
82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in _Button's Coffee-House_,
said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of Religion, when I'll
hold you five Guineas you can't say the _Lord's Prayer_, done, said the
other, and Sir _Richard Steele_ shall hold Stakes. The Money being
deposited, the Gentleman began with, _I believe in God_, and so went
cleverly thro' the _Creed_; well, said the other, I own I have lost; _I
did not think he could have done it_.
83. A certain Author was telling Dr. _Sewel_, that a Passage he found
fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought it
a _Metaphor_; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I never
_Met-a-fore_.
84. A certain Lady at _Whitehall_, of great Quality but very little
Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some _Hollands_,
as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir, said she, I find
you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look a Lady in the
Face, but you've your _Yard_ in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen
with the other.
85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the
Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar
Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were
about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to
_Prop-a-Gate_.
86. King _Henry_ VIII. designing to send a _Nobleman_ on an Embassy
to _Francis_ I. at a very dangerous Juncture, he begg'd to be excused,
saying such a threatening Message, to so hot a Prince as _Francis_ I.
might go near to cost him his Life. Fear not, said old _Harry_, if the
_French_ King should offer to take away your Life, I would revenge you
by taking off the _Heads_ of many _Frenchmen_ now in my Power: _But of
all those Heads_, reply'd the Nobleman, _there may not be one to fit my
Shoulders_.
87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on _Happiness_ or _Bliss_;
when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of
Happiness: _Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon_.
88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to _London_, gaping about in
every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing
only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was
sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you
sell here? _Loggerheads_, cry'd the other, _do you_, answer'd the
Countryman, _Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but
one left_.
89. _Manners_, who was himself but lately made Earl of _Rutland_,
told Sir _Thomas Moor_, he was too much elated by his Preferment,
that he verify'd the old Proverb,
_Honores mutant Mores_.
No, my Lord, said Sir _Thomas_, the _Pun_ will do much better in
_English_:
_Honours change_ MANNERS.
90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library
Keeper, one said it was like _a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch_.
91. A Mayor of _Yarmouth_, in ancient Times, being by his Office a
Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws
wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where
finding a Law against _firing a Beacon_, or causing any _Beacon_ to be
fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it _frying
of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed_; and accordingly went out
the next Night upon the _Scent_, and being directed by his _Nose_, to
the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both _frying of
Bacon_, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being
thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his
Worship committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize.
92. The late facetious Mr. _Spiller_, being at the Rehearsal, on a
_Saturday_ Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was
asking another, whether Mr. _Wood_, the Treasurer of the House, had
any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, _Jemmy_, reply'd
the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for
Money; by G--d, said _Spiller_, if there is no _Cole_ we must burn
_Wood_.
93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon _Ludgate-Hill_, said,
he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and having
pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she
would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the
other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under
his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down,
and began to measure, saying, _One of my Ears is here, and the other is
nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristol, _therefore, I fear you have not
enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in
part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition_.
94. When Sir _Cloudsly Shovel_ set out on his last Expedition, there
was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, for
the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky
Expression, that he begged God would be a _Rock_ of Defence to the
Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the
Monument, set up for him, in _Westminster-Abbey_, he being cast away
in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the _Bishop and his Clerks_.
_As_ Lambeth _pray'd, such was the dire Event,
Else had we wanted now this Monument;
That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock,
Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Petition mock;
To what the_ Metropolitan _said then,
The_ Bishop and his Clerks _reply'd_, Amen.
95. A _French_ Marquis being once at Dinner at _Roger Williams's_,
the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of
his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fashions, particularly
the _Ruffle_, which he said, _was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had
been followed by all de oder Nations_: _Roger_, allowed what he said,
but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom,
had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, _by adding the Shirt
to it_.
96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one _Sunday_ Evening,
and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be
catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place,
so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, _What is your
Name_? _Rugged_ and _Tough_, answered he, _who gave you that Name_?
says Domine: _Why the Boys in our Alley_, reply'd poor _Rugged_ and
_Tough, Lord d--mn them_.
97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in
several Embassies, told him, he looked like an _Owl_. I know not,
answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have
had the Honour several Times to represent your _Majesty's Person_.
98. A _Venetian_ Ambassador going to the Court of _Rome_, passed
through _Florence_, where he went to pay his Respects to the late
Duke of _Tuscany_. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador
the State of _Venice_ had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick
Character; _Your Highness_, said he, _must not wonder at it, for we
have many Idle Pates, at_ Venice. _So have we_, reply'd the Duke,
in Florence; _but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs_.
99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was
but _Forty_, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his
Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say
I am but _Forty_? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I
have heard you say so _these ten Years_.
100. It being proved in a Trial at _Guild-Hall_, that a Man's Name was
really _Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_, I see, said the
Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an
_Inch_ took an _L_.
101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in _Rome_, and told him that
he had brought his Eminence a dainty white _Palfrey_, but he fell lame
by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt
do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and
tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been _sound_, could
have pleas'd but _one_, with this _lame Horse_ thou shalt please half a
Dozen.
102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had
left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd
with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you
into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, _if you kick me into Hell,
I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon
Earth_.
103. The Emperor _Augustus_, being shewn a young _Grecian_, who very
much resembled him, asked the young Man if his _Mother_ had not been at
_Rome_: No, Sir, answer'd the _Grecian_ but my _Father_ has.
104. _Cato_ the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he had no
Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth?
I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_.
105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her _Mantua_, brush'd down
a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a
Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_:
_Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona._
_Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona.
106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the
Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his
_Watch_, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his
Friend, that his _Watch_ was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which
his friend reply'd, _Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had
been secure, adding these following Lines_.
_He that a Watch will wear, this must he do,
Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too._
107. _George Ch----n_, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker,
asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him
her Watch _stood_, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is
so near your ----.
108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her
Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the
Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it,
for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was
immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she
took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would
write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen.
_Truly, Sir_, says she, _that's just my Case, and therefore I need not
explain myself any further_.
109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the _Irish_ Regiments, in the
_French_ Service, being dispatched by the Duke of _Berwick_, from _Fort
Kehl_, to the King of _France_, with a Complaint, relating to some
Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his _Majesty_, with
some Emotion of Mind, told him, _That the_ Irish _Troops gave him more
Uneasiness than all his Forces besides_. _Sir_, (says the Officer) _all
your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint_.
110. Mr. _G----n_, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had
just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his
Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain
Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, _I
hope there is no Danger_. _Yes, indeed is there_, answered the Surgeon,
_for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will
heal before he returns_.
111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most
pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of
the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some
Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the
Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, _desired to know when the
Noble Lord would leave off preaching_. The other answer'd, _The very
Day he was made a Bishop_.
112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm
at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer,
saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two _Stars_: Oh! said
he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these
Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations
of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star
he meant? To whom he reply'd, _O! that I could but see the Star in
Cheapside, or the Star in_ Coleman-street, _I care not which_.
113. A Country Fellow subpoeena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an
Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very
same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but
humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at
last spoke, _My Lord_, said he, _You are a Cuckold_: The Judge seeing
the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the
_Jury, there were twelve of them_.
114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of _Henry_ IV. of
_France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he
applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle
in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any
Impediment, _Que chacun se mêle de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to
him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The
Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my
Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years
younger I would not exchange it for three of your's_.
115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when
they went to _Billingsgate_ to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one
Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too
dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam,
said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you
shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look
so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear
_Dog-Skin Gloves_: D--mn you for a lying Bitch, reply'd the other, my
Husband has wore _Dog-Skin Breeches_ these ten Years, and his A--se is
as brown as a Nutmeg.
116. Dr. _Heylin_, a noted Author, especially for his _Cosmography_,
happened to lose his Way going to _Oxford_, in the Forest of
_Whichwood_: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man
earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he
did not know it: _How!_ said the Fellow, _that's very strange that you,
who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of
this little Wood_.
117. Monsieur _Vaugelas_ having obtained a Pension from the _French_
King, by the Interest of Cardinal _Richelieu_, the Cardinal told him,
he hoped he would not forget the Word _Pension_ in his Dictionary. No,
my Lord, said _Vaugelas_, nor the Word _Gratitude_.
118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a
weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the
rest? O! said he, _I belong to another Parish_.
119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of
them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should
father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus.
_If the Child_, said he, _comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I
will father it, if not, it must be your's_.
120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird
with him, and having an _Irish_ Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot
that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd
the _Irish_ Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little
Thing would have _died in the Fall_.
121. The same _Irishman_ being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing
some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were
gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well,
now, faith, said he, _of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw,
this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead_.
122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him,
'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what
made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little
Thing_ will make us laugh.