miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to
contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there
was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of
that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he
wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set
out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves
miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with
telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you
told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to
contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to
confute me, which is very uncivil_.
194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the
Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a
Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a
_Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass,
that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the
_Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you
may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next
Morning._
195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his
Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the
_Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go
right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The
Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_,
says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_
berogued _the Parliament sadly_.
196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous
young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at
his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time,
she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he
took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he
always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which
he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he
then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you
seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more
afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_.
197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_,
running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board,
and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was
summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was
call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they
brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the
Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_.
198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_
and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who
took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it
came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you,
but you bid me to my Loss_.
199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime;
the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other
mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were
attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good
People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a
lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned
off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles.
200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get
their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses_; the following Story
is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on
Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man
fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting
its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an
impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been,
and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver,
he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what
a Pox signifies counting it_.
201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says
one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by
the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died
in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_.
202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a
Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the
other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little
Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him
upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he,
_ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of
the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_.
203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being
only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the
King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just
before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your
Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says,
it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_.
204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had
run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was
innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_.
_Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make
so many every Day?_
205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it
occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado
to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was
that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to
signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is
_Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting
another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman
replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your
Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.
206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his
Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing,
pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy
himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went
farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing,
cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head,
else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you
do_.
207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops
who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two
would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_
seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and
five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_.
208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the
Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming
out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant,
_Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his
Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_.
209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_,
and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the
Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our
Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head
with that which all the Town talks of_.
210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to
administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the
Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his
Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I
can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my
Word_.
211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his
Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her
to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have
brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will
furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever
running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours
you see_.
212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed,
desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might
have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her
Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your
Life-time, and now I'll have mine_.
213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at
the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client,
push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after
his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the
Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman
smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have
for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_.
214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow
with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his
Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences
by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._
215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of
_Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that
Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a
Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who
mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually
been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander,
his Horse understood Painting better than himself_.
216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being
terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her,
if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold
her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had
such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I
shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_.
217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain
Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_,
says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by Asses, than lie
quite untill'd_.
218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately
fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it
possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has
got a Key to it_.
219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of
a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it,
the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I
think it is of the _Fair_.
220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another
very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the
Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking
it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it
was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call
Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they
don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal,
_as fast as they can_.
221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd
Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't
thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you
will I hope_.
222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who
would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to
his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see
he's_ bent _upon it_.
223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near
his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the
greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him
the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.
224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a
little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_,
say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before
you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to
imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you
could resist me.
225. Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden
in common, but with one Gate: Sir _Godfrey_, upon some Occasion,
ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said,
_He did not Care what Sir_ Godfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not
paint it_. This being told Sir _Godfrey_, he replied, _He would take
that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_.
226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World,
being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the
proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and
picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and
upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So
Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet_; _Do ye_, replied
the Doctor, _then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink
damnably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.
227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname
of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his
late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was
soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this
Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._
----_Optat Ephippia Bos_----
My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is
as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow
does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend
coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my
Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know
the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the
Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the
other: _How_, replied his Lordship, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for
all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_.
228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the
Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In
the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in
Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her;
_Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we
were robbing our own Orchards_.
229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what
Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail.
230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former,
who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he
Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the
Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.
231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who
pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their
Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John,
says she, _but you may have me if you will_.
232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who
had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged
Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the
Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let
that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_.
233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish
in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the
Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than
taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me
and I feed myself_.
234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married
without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam,
your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he
can't _multiply_.
235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth
'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_,
says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this
Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a
large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion;
who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why
he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the
same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_.
236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one
Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon
other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph
you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a
melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you
shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin,
----_Here lies_ Bidd:
To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_.
237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had
kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to
a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he
was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says
he, _his Teeth are in_.
238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it
went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it
wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_,
said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before
I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.
239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy
cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you
Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy,
_we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_.
240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief
Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been
the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was
brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship,
_why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.
241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably
surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young
Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told
her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she
replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds
he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can
furnish you with five Thousand_.
242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations
were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and
Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says
one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a
Tallow-Chandler_.
243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last
Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a
happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the
Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care
of_.
244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in
_Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders
were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the
Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these
Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_,
promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would
have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be
admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the
Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the
Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.
245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen
_Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A
reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at
length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_
Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_
Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_?
246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his
_Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he
got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishoprick to a rich _English_ one. A
reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd
_spelt Prophet with an_ F[2].
[2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.
247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an
Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business
for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town,
and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at
least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured
him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and
reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am
sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence
for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray
what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for
fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me
for a_ Present, _out of the Country_.
_FINIS._