Of what use would wings be to him who is fast bound in iron fetters? He
must still despair, and despair with deeper melancholy. I lay like
Taffner by his stronghold, far removed from any earthly consolation,
starving in the midst of riches. They gave me no enjoyment; I cursed
them; they had cut me off from mankind. Concealing my gloomy secret
within me, I trembled before the meanest of my servants, whom I could not
but envy: for he had his shadow, and could show himself in the sun. Alone
in my apartments, I mourned through harassing days and nights, and
anguish fed upon my heart.
One individual was constantly sorrowing under my eyes. My faithful
Bendel ceased not to torment himself with silent reproaches that he had
deceived the confidence of his generous master, and had not recognized
him whom he was sent to seek, and with whom my mournful fate seemed
strongly intertwined. I could not blame him: I recognized too well in
that event the mysterious nature of the unknown being.
But, to leave nothing untried, I sent Bendel with a costly brilliant ring
to the most celebrated painter in the city, requesting he would pay me a
visit. He came--I ordered away my servants--locked the door--sat myself
by him; and after praising his art, I came with a troubled spirit to the
great disclosure, having first enjoined on him the strictest secresy.
"Mr. Professor," I began, "can you paint a false shadow for one, who in
the most luckless way in the world has lost his own?" "You mean a
reflected shadow?"--"To be sure." "But," he added, "through what
awkwardness, or what negligence, could he lose his own shadow?"--"How it
happened," replied I, "that does not matter, but--" I impudently began
again with a lie,--"last winter, when he was travelling in Russia, it
froze so severely, during the extraordinary cold, that his shadow was
frozen to the ground, and it was impossible for him to get it free."
"And I," said the professor, "could only make him a sheet shadow, which
he would be apt to lose again on the slightest motion; especially for one
whose genuine shadow was so badly fixed, as must be inferred from your
account; the simplest and wisest determination for him who has no shadow,
is not to go in the sun." He stood up and walked away, after having sent
through me a piercing glance which I could not endure. I sunk back on my
chair, and veiled my face with my hands.
Thus Bendel found me when he entered. He saw his master's sorrow, and
wanted silently and respectfully to turn back. I raised my eyes: the
weight of my grief was upon me--I determined to divide it. "Bendel!" I
called to him; "Bendel! you, who alone see and respect my sufferings, not
curiously prying into them, but secretly and devotedly sharing them with
me--come to me, Bendel, be the nearest to my heart. The stores of my
gold I have not concealed from you: from you I will not hide the store of
my anguish. Bendel, forsake me not. You know I am wealthy, kind, and
generous, and perhaps you think the world should honour me for that: but,
you see, I shun the world; I hide myself from its observation. Bendel,
the world has judged me and condemned me--and Bendel, too, perhaps, will
turn from me when he possesses my dreadful secret. Bendel! I am indeed
rich, liberal, and independent, but--heavens! I have no shadow!"
"No shadow!" echoed the good young man in an agony, while bright tears
broke from his eyelids; "Alas! alas! that I should have been born to
serve a shadowless master!" He was silent, and I hid my face in my
hands.
At last I tremblingly said, "Bendel! you have now my confidence--betray
it if you will--away! and bear witness against me." He seemed struggling
with internal emotion; he threw himself at my feet, seized my hand, and
bathed it with his tears. "No," he cried, "let the world say what it
may, I will not leave my good master for the sake of a shadow; I will do
what is right and not what is prudent: I will remain with you, I will
lend you my shadow; I will help you where I can; I will weep with you." I
fell on his neck, overcome with such an unexpected self-devotion. I felt
assured he did nothing for the sake of gold.
From that moment my fate and my mode of life changed. It is
indescribable how carefully Bendel sought to cover my defects. He was
ever before and with me, foreseeing everything, arranging everything, and
where unexpected danger threatened, covering me with his shadow, for he
was fortunately taller and stouter than I. Again I mingled with mankind,
and acted my part in the scenes of the world. It was necessary to assume
much singularity and queerness; but these sit well upon a rich man, and
while the truth lay concealed, I enjoyed all the honour and esteem to
which wealth has a claim. I looked with more calmness on the advancing
year and day, whose close was to bring with them the visit of the
mysterious unknown.
I was well aware that I could not remain long in the place where I had
been seen without a shadow, and where I might so easily be betrayed; and
I thought perhaps more on this, remembering how I had first shown myself
to the merchant, which was now a sad recollection to me; consequently I
would only make an experiment here, that I might learn how to introduce
myself hereafter with more ease and confidence; nevertheless it happened
that I was momentarily bound down by my vanity; which is the firm ground
in man where the anchor fixes itself.
The beautiful Fanny, whom I again met in another situation, bestowed on
me some attention, without recollecting that she had seen me before; for
now I had both wit and understanding. When I talked, all listened, and I
could not imagine when or how I had acquired the talent of leading and
directing the conversation. The impression which I perceived I had
produced on the fair one, made me, as she would have me, a very fool; and
from this time I pursued her, where only I could pursue her, through
shades and twilight. I was vain enough to make her vain of me; yet I
could not succeed, notwithstanding all my efforts to drive the
intoxication from my head to my heart.
{Schlemihl and Fanny: p48.jpg}
But why enter upon the details of an everyday story? You know, and have
often told me, how other wealthy people spend their days. From an old,
well-known drama, in which I, out of mere good-humour, was playing a
hacknied part, arose a singular and incredible catastrophe, unexpected by
me, or by Fanny, or by anybody.
According to my custom, one lovely evening I had assembled a large
company in an illuminated garden. I was wandering about with my divinity
arm-in-arm, separated from the rest of the guests, and endeavouring to
amuse her with well-timed conversation; she looked modestly towards the
ground, and gently returned the pressure of my hand. At this moment the
moon unexpectedly burst through the clouds: her shadow alone was
there,--she started, looked alarmed at me, then at the earth, as if her
eyes were asking for my shadow;--all her emotions were painted so
faithfully on her countenance, that I should have burst into a loud
laugh, had I not felt an icy dullness creeping over me.
She sunk down from my arms in a swoon. I flew like an arrow through the
alarmed company, reached the door, threw myself into the first coach I
found waiting there, and hurried back to the city, where, to my
misfortune, I had left the foresighted Bendel. He was startled at seeing
me--a word told all. Post-horses were instantly ordered. I took only
one of my servants with me, an interested villain called Rascal, who had
learned to make himself useful by his dexterity, and who could suspect
nothing of what had occurred. We travelled a hundred miles before night.
Bendel was left behind to dismiss my household, to distribute my money by
paying my debts, and to bring away what was most necessary. When he
overtook me the next day, I threw myself into his arms, solemnly
promising to commit no farther folly, but to be more discreet in future.
We continued our journey without interruption, passing over the chain of
mountains which formed the frontier; and only when on the descent, and
separated by the high bastions from the land so fatal to my peace, did I
allow myself to be comforted, and hastened away to a watering-place in
the vicinity, where I sought repose from my disappointments and my
sorrows.