I must hurry rapidly over a part of my history, on which I should rejoice
to linger, if I could invoke the living spirit of departed time. But the
beautiful associations which animated it once, and which alone could
animate its memory, are now extinguished within me. When I seek
them--that influence which ruled so mightily over my joys and sorrows--my
mingled destiny,--I strike in vain against a rock, that gives out a
living stream no longer; the divinity is fled. O how changed is the
aspect of those days of old! My intention was now to act an heroic
character; but it was badly studied, and I a novice on the stage, was
forgetting my part while fascinated by a pair of blue eyes. In the
intoxication of the scene, the parents seem eager to close the bargain,
and the farce ends in a common mockery. And this is all! So stale, so
unprofitable, and so melancholy are the revisitings of what beat once so
nobly and proudly in my bosom. Mina! as I wept when I lost thee, even
now I weep to have lost thee within me. Am I become so old! Pitiful
intellect of man! Oh, for a pulse-beat of those days, a moment of that
consciousness,--but no! I am a solitary wave in the dark and desolate
sea: and the sparkling glass I drank was drugged with misery.
I had previously sent Bendel with bags of gold to fit out a dwelling
suitable for me in the town. He had scattered about a great deal of
money, and talked mysteriously of the illustrious stranger whom he had
the honour to serve (for I did not choose to be named), and this filled
the good people with strange notions. As soon as the house was ready for
me, Bendel returned to convey me thither. We started immediately.
About an hour's distance from the place, on a sunny plain, a great number
of persons in gala dresses arrested our progress. The coach stopped:
music, bell-ringing, and cannonading were heard; a loud acclamation rent
the air, and a chorus of singularly beautiful maidens in white robes
appeared at the door of the carriage, one of whom, surpassing the rest as
the sun surpasses in brightness the stars of evening, stepped forward,
and with graceful and modest blushes knelt before me, and presented to me
on a silken cushion a wreath of laurel, olive, and rose branches,
garlanded together, while she uttered some words, which I understood not,
of majesty, awe, and love, whose soft and silver tones enchanted my ear
and my bosom: it seemed to me as if the heavenly apparition had once
glided before me in other days. The chorus began, and sang the praise of
a good monarch, and the happiness of his people.
And this happened, my friend, in the bright sunshine: she continued to
kneel some two steps before me, and I, shadowless, dared not spring over
the gulf, that I might fall on my knees in her angelic presence. What
would I not have given in that moment for a shadow! I was obliged to
conceal my shame, my anguish, my despair, by sinking back into the
carriage. Bendel relieved me from my embarrassment: he leaped out from
the other side--I called him back--and gave him out of my little casket,
which lay close at hand, a rich diamond crown which was intended to adorn
the lovely Fanny. He moved forward, and spoke in his master's name, "who
neither could," he said, "nor would accept such flattering marks of
honour; there must have been some error, though he could not but thank
the worthy townspeople for their expressions of kindness." He then took
the garland of flowers from its place, and put there instead of it the
crown of diamonds. His hand assisted the beautiful maiden to rise, and
with a look of dignity he sent away the clergy, magistrates and deputies.
Nobody was allowed a farther audience. He bade the crowd retire, and
make room for the horses, and flung himself into the carriage, and off we
went in a rapid gallop to the town, through the arches of flowers and
laurels which had been erected. The cannon continued to thunder--the
coach at last reached my abode. I turned hastily through the door,
dividing the assembly who had gathered together to see me. The mob
cried, "God bless him!" under my window; and I ordered double ducats to
be scattered among them. At night the town was spontaneously
illuminated.
And I knew not yet what all this meant, nor who I was imagined to be. I
sent out Rascal to get information. He discovered that the people
believed they had certain information that the good king of Prussia was
travelling through the country, under the title of count;--that my
adjutant had been recognized, and had discovered both himself and me;--in
a word, that infinite joy had been felt at the certainty of having me
among them. They had ascertained, indeed, that as I wished to preserve
the strictest _incognito_, it had been wrong to draw up the veil so
intrudingly;--but as I had expressed my displeasure with so much
graciousness and kindness, surely my generous heart could forgive them.
It was so excellent a joke for my scoundrel servant, that he did as much
as possible by his sharp remonstrances to confirm the good people in
their opinions. He gave me a most amusing account of his proceedings;
and as he saw it animated me, he thought to add to my enjoyment by a
display of his own knavish tricks. Shall I confess it? I was not a
little flattered by even the illusion of being mistaken for the head of
the kingdom.
I ordered a feast to be provided on the following evening, under the
trees which overshadowed the expanse in front of my house, and the whole
town to be invited. The mysterious virtue of my purse, the exertions of
Bendel, and the dexterous contrivances of Rascal, succeeded in doing
wonders in the trifling space of time. It is really astonishing how
richly and beautifully everything was arranged in so short a period. Such
pomp and superfluity were exhibited there, and the richly-fanciful
illuminations were so admirably managed, that I felt quite at ease; I had
nothing to find fault with, and I could not but praise the diligence of
my servants.
Evening darkness came on; the guests appeared, and were introduced to me.
The word "majesty" was no more whispered; but I often heard, uttered in
deep awe and humility, "the Count." What could I do? The word count
satisfied me, and from that moment I was Count Peter. But in the midst
of the festive crowd I sought but one; at last she appeared; she _was_
the crown, and she wore it. She followed her parents modestly, and
seemed not to know that she was the loveliest of the assemblage. The
forest-master, his wife, and daughter were introduced. I said much that
was agreeable and obliging to the old people; but I stood before their
daughter like a checked boy, and could not utter a single word. At last
I stammered forth a request that she would honour the festival by
undertaking that office whose badge she bore. With a touching look she
begged blushingly that I would excuse her; but more abashed before her
than she herself, I, as her first subject, offered her my humble tribute;
and my glance served as a command to all the guests, each of whom seemed
anxious to meet it. Over this joyful festivity presided majesty,
innocence, and grace allied with beauty. Mina's happy parents believed
that out of respect for them, their child had been elevated to these
unexpected honours, and I was in an unspeakable transport of joy. I
ordered every thing that was left of the jewels, pearls, and precious
stones which I had purchased with my perplexing piles of wealth, to be
placed in two covered dishes, and distributed in the name of the queen
among her playfellows and the ladies present; and I ordered gold to be
thrown over the border fence among the joyous crowds. On the following
morning, Bendel communicated to me, in confidence, that the suspicions he
had formed against Rascal's integrity were fully confirmed; he had
yesterday purloined several bags of gold. "Let us not envy," I replied,
"the poor devil this trifling booty; I scatter my money about profusely,
why not to him? Yesterday, he and everybody else served me nobly, and
arranged a delightful festivity." Nothing further was said about it;
Rascal continued to be my head-servant, and Bendel my friend and
confidant. He had imagined my wealth to be inexhaustible, and he cared
not to inquire into its source. Entering into my feelings, he assisted
me to find out constant occasions to display my wealth, and to spend it.
Of the unknown, pale, sneaking fellow, he only knew that without him I
could not get released from the curse which bound me, and that I dreaded
the man on whom my only hope reposed. Besides, I was now convinced he
could discover me anywhere, while I could find him nowhere; so that I
determined to abandon a fruitless inquiry, and to await the promised day.
The magnificence of the festival, and my condescension there, confirmed
the obstinately-credulous inhabitants in their first opinion of my
dignity. It appeared very soon, notwithstanding, in the newspapers, that
the reported journey of the king was wholly without foundation. But I
had been a king, and a king I was unfortunately compelled to remain; and
certainly I was one of the richest and kingliest who had ever appeared.
But what king could I be? The world has never had cause to complain of
any scarcity of monarchs, at least in our days; and the good people, who
had never seen one with their own eyes, first fixed on one, and then,
equally happily, on another; but Count Peter continued to be my name.
There once appeared among the visitors to the baths, a merchant who had
made himself a bankrupt in order to get rich, and he enjoyed the general
esteem; he was accompanied by a broad, palish shadow. He wished
ostentatiously to display the wealth he had acquired, and he determined
to be my rival. I applied to my bag. I drove on the poor devil at such
a rate, that in order to save himself he was obliged to become a bankrupt
a second time. Thus I got rid of him; and by similar means I created in
this neighbourhood many an idler and a vagabond.
Though I thus lived in apparent kingly pomp and prodigality, my habits at
home were simple and unpretending. With thoughtful foresight, I had made
it a rule that no one except Bendel, should on any pretence enter the
chamber which I occupied. As long as the sun shone I remained there
locked in. People said, "the count is engaged in his cabinet." The
crowds of couriers were kept in communication by these occupations, for I
dispatched and received them on the most trifling business. At evening,
alone, I received company under the trees, or in my saloon, which was
skilfully and magnificently lighted, according to Bendel's arrangement.
Whenever I went out Bendel watched round me with Argus' eyes; my steps
were always tending to the forester's garden, and that only for the sake
of _her_; the inmost spirit of my existence was my love.
My good Chamisso, I will hope you have not forgotten what love is! I
leave much to your filling up. Mina was indeed a love-worthy, good, and
gentle girl; I had obtained full possession of her thoughts; and in her
modesty she could not imagine how she had become worthy of my regard, and
that I dwelt only upon her; but she returned love for love, in the full
youthful energy of an innocent heart. She loved like a woman; all self-
sacrificing, self-forgetting, and living only in him who was her life,
careless even though she should perish: in a word, she truly loved.
But I--oh, what frightful moments!--frightful! yet worthy to be recalled.
How often did I weep in Bendel's bosom, after I recovered from the first
inebriety of rapture! how severely did I condemn myself, that I, a
shadowless being, should seal, with wily selfishness, the perdition of an
angel, whose pure soul I had attached to me by lies and theft! Now I
determined to unveil myself to her; now, with solemn oaths, I resolved to
tear myself from her, and to fly; then again I broke out into tears, and
arranged with Bendel for visiting her in the forest-garden again in the
evening.
Sometimes I allowed myself to be flattered with the hopes of the now
nearly approaching visit of the unknown, mysterious old man; and wept
anew when I recollected that I had sought him in vain. I had reckoned
the day when I was again to expect to see that awful being. He had said
a year and a day; and I relied on his word.
Mina's parents were good, worthy old people, loving their only child most
tenderly; the whole affair had taken them by surprise, and, as matters
stood, they knew not how to act. They could never have dreamed that
Count Peter should think of their child; but it was clear he loved her
passionately, and was loved in return. The mother, indeed, was vain
enough to think of the possibility of such an alliance, and to prepare
for its accomplishment; but the calm good sense of the old man never gave
such an ambitious hope a moment's consideration. But they were both
convinced of the purity of my love, and could do nothing but pray for
their child.
A letter is now in my hand which I received about this time from Mina.
This is her very character. I will copy it for you.
"I know I am a weak, silly girl; for I have taught myself to believe
my beloved would not give me pain, and this because I deeply, dearly
love him. Alas! thou art so kind, so unutterably kind! but do not
delude me. For me make no sacrifice--wish to make no sacrifice.
Heaven! I could hate myself if I caused thee to do so. No, thou hast
made me infinitely happy; thou hast taught me to love thee. But go in
peace! my destiny tells me Count Peter is not mine, but the whole
world's; and then I shall feel proudly as I hear: 'That it was he--and
he again--that he had done this--that he has been adored here, and
deified there.' When I think of this, I could reproach thee for
forgetting thy high destinies in a simple maiden. Go in peace, or the
thought will make me miserable--me, alas! who am so happy, so blessed
through thee. And have not I entwined in thy existence an
olive-branch and a rose-bud, as in the garland which I dared to
present thee? Think of thyself, my beloved one; fear not to leave me,
I should die so blessed--so unutterably blessed, through thee."
You may well imagine how these words thrilled through my bosom. I told
her I was not that which I was supposed to be; I was only a wealthy, but
an infinitely-wretched man. There was, I said, a curse upon me, which
should be the only secret between her and me; for I had not yet lost the
hope of being delivered from it. This was the poison of my existence:
That I could have swept her away with me into the abyss; her, the sole
light, the sole bliss, the sole spirit of my life. Then she wept again
that I was so unhappy. She was so amiable, so full of love! How blessed
had she felt to have offered herself up in order to spare me a single
tear!
But she was far from rightly understanding my words: she sometimes
fancied I was a prince pursued by a cruel proscription; a high and
devoted chief, whom her imagination loved to depicture, and to give to
her beloved one all the bright hues of heroism.
Once I said to her, "Mina, on the last day of the coming month, my doom
may change and be decided; if that should not happen I must die, for I
cannot make thee miserable." She wept, and her head sunk upon my bosom.
"If thy doom should change, let me but know thou art happy; I have no
claim upon thee--but shouldst thou become miserable, bind me to thy
misery, I will help thee to bear it."
"Beloved maiden! withdraw--withdraw the rash, the foolish word which has
escaped thy lips. Dost thou know what is my misery? dost thou know what
is my curse? That thy beloved--what he? Dost thou see me shuddering
convulsively before thee, and concealing from thee--" She sunk sobbing
at my feet, and renewed her declaration with a solemn vow.
I declared to the now approaching forest-master, my determination to ask
the hand of his daughter for the first day of the coming month. I fixed
that period, because in the meanwhile many an event might occur which
would have great influence on my fortunes. My love for his daughter
could not but be unchangeable.
The good old man started back, as it were, while the words escaped from
Count Peter's lips. He fell upon my neck, and then blushed that he had
so far forgotten himself. Then he began to doubt, to ponder, to inquire;
he spoke of dowry, of security for the future for his beloved child. I
thanked him for reminding me of it. I told him I wished to settle and
live a life free from anxiety, in a neighbourhood where I appeared to be
beloved. I ordered him to buy, in the name of his daughter, the finest
estates that were offered, and refer to me for the payment. A father
would surely best serve the lover of his child. This gave him trouble
enough, for some stranger or other always forestalled him: but he bought
for only the amount of about a million florins.
The truth is, this was a sort of innocent trick to get rid of him, which
I had already once done before: for I must own he was rather tedious. The
good mother, on the contrary, was somewhat deaf, and not, like him,
always jealous of the honour of entertaining the noble Count.
The mother pressed forward. The happy people crowded around me,
entreating me to lengthen the evening among them. I dared not linger a
moment: the moon was rising above the twilight of evening: my time was
come.
Next evening I returned again to the forest-garden. I had thrown my
broad mantle over my shoulders, my hat was slouched over my eyes. I
advanced towards Mina; as she lifted up her eyes and looked at me, an
involuntary shudder came over her. The frightful night in which I had
shown myself shadowless in the moonlight, returned in all its brightness
to my mind. It was indeed she! Had she, too, recognized me? She was
silent and full of thought. I felt the oppression of a nightmare on my
breast. I rose from my seat; she threw herself speechless on my bosom. I
left her.
But now I often found her in tears; my soul grew darker and darker, while
her parents seemed to revel in undisturbed joy. The day so big with fate
rolled onwards, heavy and dark, like a thunder-cloud. Its eve had
arrived, I could scarcely breathe. I had been foresighted enough to fill
some chests with gold. I waited for midnight:--it tolled.
And there I sat, my eyes directed to the hand of the clock; the seconds,
the minutes, as they tinkled, entered me like a dagger. I rose up at
every sound I heard. The day began to dawn; the leaden hours crowded one
on another; it was morning--evening--night. The hands of the timepiece
moved slowly on, and hope was departing. It struck eleven, and nothing
appeared. The last minutes of the last hour vanished--still nothing
appeared; the first stroke--the last stroke of _twelve_ sounded. I sank
hopeless on my couch in ceaseless tears. To-morrow--shadowless for
ever!--to-morrow I should solicit the hand of my beloved. Towards
morning a heavy sleep closed my eyes.
{Schlemihl in his room: p66.jpg}