He will lie sir, with such volubility, that you would think truth were
a fool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will be swine-drunk,
and in his sleep he does little harm. SHAKESPEARE.
When Captain G--- made his appearance, he seemed to be in the most
amiable humour possible. As soon as he saw me, he said, "Ah, this is
what I like; never break your leave even for five minutes. Now that I
see I can trust you, you may go on shore again as soon as you please."
This speech might have done very well to any person before the mast; but
as applied to an officer, I thought it rude and ungentlemanly.
The caterer had prepared lunch in the gun-room: it consisted of
beef-steaks and broiled bullocks' kidneys, with fried onions; and their
savoury smell rose in grateful steams up the sky-light, and assailed the
nostrils of the skipper. His facetious small-talk knew no bounds; he
leaned over the frame, and looking down, said,--"I say, something
devilish good going on there below!"
The hint was taken, and the first lieutenant invited him down.
"I don't care if I do; I am rather peckish."
So saying, he was down the hatchway in the twinkling of one of his own
funny eyes, as he feared the choice bits would be gone before he could
get into action. We all followed him; and as he seated himself, he
said--
"I trust, gentlemen, this is not the last time I shall sit in the
gun-room, and that you will all consider my cabin as your own. I love
to make my officers comfortable: nothing more delightful than an
harmonious ship, when every man and boy is willing to go to hell for his
officers. That's what I call good fellowship--give and take--make
proper allowances for one another's failings, and we shall be sorry when
the time comes for us to part. I am afraid, however, that I shall not
be long with you; for though I doat upon the brig, the Duke of N--- and
Lord George --- have given the first Lord a damned _whigging_ for not
promoting me sooner; and between ourselves--I don't wish it to go
further--my post commission goes out with me to Barbadoes."
The first lieutenant cocked his eye; and quick as were the motions of
that eye, the captain, with a twist of one of his own, caught a glimpse
of it, before it could be returned to its bearing on the central object,
the beef-steaks, kidneys, and onions. But it passed off without a
remark.
"A very capital steak this! I'll trouble you for some fat and a little
gravy. We'll have some jollification when we get to sea; but we must
get into blue water first; then we shall have less to do. Talking of
broiling steaks--when I was in Egypt we used to broil our beef-steaks on
the rocks--no occasion for fire--thermometer at 200--hot as hell! I
have seen four thousand men at a time cooking for the whole army as much
as twenty or thirty thousand pounds of steak at a time, all hissing and
frying at once--just about noon, of course, you know--not a spark of
fire! Some of the soldiers, who had been brought up as glass-blowers at
Leith, swore they never saw such heat. I used to go to leeward of them
for a whiff, and think of old England! Ah, that's the country, after
all, where a man may think and say what he pleases! But that sort of
work did not last long, as you may suppose; their eyes were all fried
out, damn me, in three or four weeks! I had been ill in my bed, for I
was attached to the 72nd regiment, seventeen hundred strong--I had a
party of seamen with me; but the ophthalmia made such ravages, that the
whole regiment, colonel and all, went stone blind--all except one
corporal! You may stare, gentlemen, but it's very true. Well, this
corporal had a precious time of it: he was obliged to lead out the whole
regiment to water--he led the way, and two or three took hold of the
skirts of his jacket, on each side; the skirts of these were seized
again by as many more, and double the number to the last, and so all
held on by one another, till they had all had a drink at the well; and,
as the devil would have it, there was but one well among us all--so this
corporal used to water the regiment just as a groom waters his horses;
and all spreading out you know, just like the tail of a peacock."
"Of which the corporal was the rump," interrupted the doctor.
The captain looked grave.
"You found it warm in that country?" inquired the surgeon. "Warm!"
exclaimed the captain; "I'll tell you what, doctor, when you go where
you have sent many a patient--and where, for that very reason, you
certainly will go--I only hope, for your sake, and for that of your
profession in general, that you will not find it quite so hot as we
found it in Egypt. What do you think of nineteen of my men being killed
by the concentrated rays of light falling on the barrels of the
sentinels bright muskets, and setting fire to the powder? I commanded a
mortar battery at Acre, and I did the French infernal mischief with the
shells I used to pitch in among them when they had sat down to dinner:
but how do you think the scoundrels weathered on me at last? Damn me,
they trained a parcel of poodle dogs to watch the shells when they fell,
and then to run and pull the fuses out with their teeth. Did you ever
hear of such damned villains? By this means, they saved hundreds of
men, and only lost half a dozen dogs--fact, by God; only ask Sir Sydney
Smith; he'll tell you the same, and a damned sight more."
The volubility of his tongue was only equalled by the rapidity of his
invention and his powers of mastication; for, during the whole of this
entertaining monodrame, his teeth were in constant motion, like the
traversing beam of a steamboat; and as he was our captain as well as our
guest, he certainly took the lion's share of the repast.
"But, I say, Soundings," said he, addressing himself familiarly to the
master, who had not been long in the vessel, "let us see what sort of
stuff you have stowed the forehold with. You know I am a water-drinker;
give me only the pure limpid stream, and a child may lead me. I seldom
touch liquor when the water is good." So saying, he poured out a
tumbler, and held it to his nose. "Stinks like hell! I say, master,
are you sure the bungs are in your casks? The cats have been
contributing to the fluid. We must qualify this;" and having poured
away one half of the water, which, by the by, was very good, he supplied
the vacancy with rum. Then tasting it, he said, "Come, miss puss, this
will rouse you out, at any rate."
A moment's pause, while he held the bumper before his eye, and then down
it went, producing no other emotion than a deep sigh. "By the bye,
that's well thought of--we'll have no cats in the ship (except those
which the depravity of human nature unhappily compels the boatswain to
use). Mr Skysail, you'll look to that. Throw them all overboard."
Taking his hat, he rose from the table, and mounting the ladder, "On
second thought," said he, addressing Skysail again, "I won't throw the
cats overboard; the sailors have a foolish superstition about that
animal--its damned unlucky. No! put them alive in a bread-bag, and send
them on shore in the bum-boat."
Recollecting that my dinner-party at the George was to take place this
day, and remembering the captain's promise that I should go on shore
whenever I pleased, I thought it only necessary to say I was going--
merely passing the usual compliment to my superior. I therefore went to
him, with a modest assurance, and told him of my engagement and my
intention.
"Upon my honour, sir," cried he, putting his arms akimbo, and staring me
full in the face; "you have a tolerable sea-stock of modest assurance;
no sooner come on board than you ask leave to go on shore again, and at
the same time you have the impudence to tell me, knowing how much I
abhor the vice, that you mean to wet your commission, and of course to
get beastly drunk, and to make others as bad as yourself. No, sir; I'd
have you to know, that as captain of this ship, and as long as I have
the honour to command her, I am _magister morum_."
"That is precisely what I was coming to, sir," said I, "when you
interrupted me. Knowing how difficult it is to keep young men in order,
without the presence of some one whom they respect, and can look up to
as an example, I was going to request the honour of your company as my
guest. Nothing, in my opinion, could so effectually repress any
tendency to improper indulgence."
"There you speak like a child of my own bringing up," replied Captain
G---: "I did not give you credit for so much good sense. I am far from
throwing a wet blanket over any innocent mirth. Man is man after all--
give him but the bare necessaries of life, and he is no more than a dog.
A little mirth on such an occasion is not only justifiable, but
praiseworthy. The health of a good king like ours, God bless him!
should always be drunk in good wine; and as you say the party is to be
select, and the occasion the wetting of your commission, I shall have no
objection to come and give away the bride; but, remember, no hard
drinking--no indecorum--and I'll do my best, not only to keep the young
bloods in order, but to add my humble powers to the hilarity of the
evening."
I thanked him for his kind condescension. He then gave a few directions
to Skysail, the first lieutenant, and ordering his gig to be manned,
offered me a passage on shore.
This was, indeed, a mark of favour never before conferred on any officer
in the ship, and all hands spontaneously turned out to see the sight.
The first lieutenant cocked his eye, which was more than saying, "This
is too good to last long." However, into the boat we went, and pulled
away for old Sallyport. The harbour tide rolling out, we, passed close
to the buoy of the _Boyne_.
"Ah! well I remember that old ship; I was midshipman of her when she
blew up. I was signal midshipman. I was in the act of making the
signal of distress, when up I went. Damnation! I thought I never
should have come down any more."
"Indeed, sir!" said I, "I thought there had been no one on board at the
time."
"No one on board!" repeated the captain, with scorn on his upper lip,
"who did you get that from?"
"I heard it from a captain I served with in America."
"Then you may tell your captain, with my compliments, that he knew
nothing at all about it. No one on board! Why, damn me, sir, the poop
was crowded like a sheepfold, and all bellowing to me for help. I told
them all to go to hell, and just at that moment away we all went, sure
enough. I was picked up senseless, I was told somewhere in Stokes Bay,
and carried to Haslar Hospital, where I was given over for three
months--never spoke. At last I got well; and the first thing I did was
to take a boat and go and dive down the forehold of my old ship, and
swim aft to the bread-room."
"And what did you see sir?" said I.
"Oh, nothing, except lots of human skeletons, and whitings in abundance,
swimming between their ribs. I brought up my old quadrant out of the
starboard wing, where I was adjusting it when the alarm was given. I
found it lying on the table just where I left it. I never shall forget
what a damned rap we hit the old _Queen Charlotte_, with our larboard
broadside; every gun went slap into her, double-shotted. Damn my eyes,
I suppose we diddled at least a hundred men."
"Why, sir," said I, "I always understood she only lost two men on that
occasion."
"Who told you that?" said Captain G---; "your old captain?"
"Yes, sir," said I, "he was a midshipman in her."
"He be damned," said my skipper; "to my certain knowledge, three
launch-loads of dead bodies were taken out of her, and carried to the
hospital for interment."
As the boat touched the landing-place this accomplished liar had time to
take breath; and in fact I was afraid he would have exhausted his stock
of lies before dinner, and kept nothing for the dessert. When we
landed, he went to his old quarters at the Star and Garter, and I to the
George. I reminded him at parting that six o'clock was my hour.
"Never fear me," said he.
I collected my company previous to his arrival, and told my friends that
it was my determination to make him drunk, and that they must assist me,
which they promised to do. Having once placed him in that predicament,
I was quite sure I should stop his future discourses in favour of
temperance. My companions, perfectly aware of the sort of man they had
to deal with, treated him on his entrance with the most flattering marks
of respect. I introduced them all to him in the most formal manner,
taking them to him, one by one, just as we are presented at court--to
compare great things with small. His good humour was at its highest
spring tide; the honour of drinking wine with him was separately and
respectfully asked, and most condescendingly granted to every person at
the table.
"Capital salmon this," said the captain; "where does Billet get it from?
By the bye, talking of that, did you ever hear of the pickled salmon in
Scotland?"
We all replied in the affirmative.
"Oh, you don't take. Damn it, I don't mean dead pickled salmon; I mean
live pickled salmon, swimming about in tanks, as merry as grigs, and as
hungry as rats."
We all expressed our astonishment at this, and declared we never heard
of it before.
"I thought not," said he, "for it has only lately been introduced into
this country, by a particular friend of mine, Dr Mac--- I cannot just
now remember his damned jaw-breaking Scotch name; he was a great chymist
and geologist, and all that sort of thing--a clever fellow, I can tell
you, though you may laugh. Well, this fellow, sir, took nature by the
heels and capsized her, as we say. I have a strong idea that he had
sold himself to the devil. Well, what does he do, but he catches salmon
and puts them into tanks, and every day added more and more salt, till
the water was as thick as gruel, and the fish could hardly wag their
tails in it. Then he threw in whole peppercorns, half a dozen pounds at
a time, till there was enough. Then he began to dilute with vinegar,
until his pickle was complete. The fish did not half like it at first;
but habit is everything, and when he showed me his tank, they were
swimming about as merry as a shoal of dace; he fed them with fennel,
chopped small, and black peppercorns. `Come, doctor,' says I, `I trust
no man upon tick; if I don't taste, I won't believe my own eyes, though
_I can_ believe my _tongue_.'" (We looked at each other). "`That you
shall do in a minute,' says he; so he whipped one of them out with a
landing-net; and when I stuck my knife into him, the pickle ran out of
his body like wine out of a claret bottle, and I ate at least two pounds
of the rascal, while he flapped his tail in my face. I never tasted
such salmon as that. Worth your while to go to Scotland, if its only
for the sake of eating, live pickled salmon. I'll give you a letter,
any of you, to my friend. He'll be damned glad to see you; and then you
may convince yourselves. Take my word for it, if once you eat salmon
that way, you will never eat it any other."
We all said we thought that very likely.
The champagne corks flew as fast and as loud as his shells at Acre; but
we were particularly reserved, depending entirely on his tongue for our
amusement; and, finding the breeze of conversation beginning to freshen,
I artfully turned the subject to Egypt, by asking one of my friends to
demolish a pyramid of jelly, which stood before him, and to send some of
it to the captain.
This was enough: he began with Egypt, and went on increasing in the
number and magnitude of his lies, in proportion as we applauded them. A
short-hand writer ought to have been there, for no human memory could do
justice to this modern Munchausen. "Talking of the water of the Nile,"
said he, "I remember when I was first lieutenant of the _Bellerophon_, I
went into Minorca with only six tons of water, and in four hours we had
three hundred and fifty tons on board, all stowed away. I made all
hands work. The admiral himself was up to the neck in water, with the
rest of them. `Damn it, admiral,' says I, `no skulking.' Well, we
sailed the next day; and such a gale of wind I never saw in all my
life--away went all our masts, and we had nearly been swamped with the
weather-roll. One of the boats was blown off the booms, and went clean
out of sight before it touched the water. You may laugh at that, but
that was nothing to the _Swallow_ sloop of war. She was in company with
us; she wanted to scud for it, but by Jupiter, she was blown two miles
up the country--guns, men, and all; and the next morning they found her
flying jib-boom had gone through the church window, and slap into the
cheek of the picture of the Virgin Mary. The natives all swore it was
done on purpose by damned heretics. The captain was forced to arm his
men, and march them all down to the beach, giving the ship up to the
people, who were so exasperated that they set her on fire, and never
thought of the powder which was on board. All the priests were in their
robes, singing some stuff or another, to purify the church; but that was
so much time thrown away, for in one moment away went church, priests,
pictures, and people, all to the devil together."
Here he indulged himself in some vile language and scurrilous abuse of
religion and its ministers. All priests were hypocritical scoundrels.
If he was to be of any religion at all, he said, he should prefer being
a Roman Catholic, "because, then, you know," added he, "a man may sin as
much as he likes, and rub off as he goes for a few shillings. I got my
commission by religion, damn me, I found my old admiral was a
psalm-singer; so, says I, `my old boy, I'll give you enough of that;' so
I made the boatswain stuff me a hassock, and this I carried with me
everywhere, that I might save my trousers and not hurt my knees; so then
I turned to and prayed all day long, and kept the people awake singing
psalms all night. I knelt down and prayed on the quarter-deck, main
deck, and lower deck. I preached to the men in the tiers when they
coiled the cables, and groaned loud and deep when I heard an oath. The
thing took--the admiral, said I was the right sort, and he made a
commander out of the greatest atheist in the ship. No sooner did I get
hold of the sheepskin, than to the devil I pitched hassock and Bible."
How long he might have gone on with this farrago, it is difficult to
say; but we were getting tired of him, so we passed the bottle till he
left off narrative, and took to friendship.
"Now I say (hiccup), you Frank, you are a devilish good fellow; but that
one-eyed son of a gun, I'll try him by a court-martial, the first time I
catch him drunk; I'll hang him at the yard-arm, and you shall be my
first lieutenant and _custos-rottorum_, damn me. Only you come and tell
me the first time he is disguised in liquor, and I'll settle him, damn
his cock eye--a saucy, Polyphemus-looking _son of_ a--(hiccup) a
Whitechapel bird-catcher."
Here his recollection failed him; he began to talk to himself, and to
confound me with the first lieutenant.
"I'll teach him to write to port-admirals for leave--son of a sea cook."