The young Gentleman is introduced to a Virtuoso of the first Order, and
commences Yelper.
Hitherto Peregrine had professed himself an author, without reaping the
fruits of that occupation, except the little fame he had acquired by
his late satire; but now he thought it high time to weigh solid pudding
against empty praise; and therefore engaged with some booksellers in
a certain translation, which he obliged himself to perform for the
consideration of two hundred pounds. The articles of agreement being
drawn, he began his task with great eagerness, rose early in the morning
to his work, at which he laboured all day long, went abroad with the
bats in the evening, and appeared in the coffee-house, where he amused
himself with the newspapers and conversation till nine o'clock; then he
retired to his own apartment, and, after a slight repast, betook himself
to rest, that he might be able to unroost with the cock. This sudden
change from his former way of life agreed so ill with his disposition,
that, for the first time, he was troubled with flatulencies and
indigestion, which produced anxiety and dejection of spirits, and the
nature of his situation began in some measure to discompose his brain; a
discovery which he no sooner made, than he had recourse to the advice of
a young physician, who was a member of the college of authors, at this
time one of our hero's most intimate acquaintance.
The son of Esculapius, having considered his case, imputed his disorder
to the right cause, namely, want of exercise; dissuaded him from such
close application to study, until he should be gradually familiarized
to a sedentary life; advised him to enjoy his friend and his bottle in
moderation, and wean himself from his former customs by degrees;
and, above all things, to rise immediately after his first sleep, and
exercise himself in a morning's walk. In order to render this last part
of the prescription the more palatable, the doctor promised to attend
him in these early excursions, and even to introduce him to a certain
personage of note, who gave a sort of public breakfasting to the minor
virtuosi of the age, and often employed his interest in behalf of those
who properly cultivated his countenance and approbation.
This proposal was extremely acceptable to our young gentleman, who,
besides the advantage which might accrue to him from such a valuable
connection, foresaw much entertainment and satisfaction in the discourse
of so many learned guests. The occasions of his health and interest,
moreover, coincided in another circumstance; the minister's levee being
kept betimes in the morning, so that he could perform his walk, yield
his attendance, and breakfast at this philosophical board, without
encroaching a great deal upon his other avocations. Measures being thus
preconcerted, the physician conducted our adventurer to the house of
this celebrated sage, to whom he recommended him as a gentleman of
genius and taste, who craved the honour of his acquaintance; but he
had previously smoothed the way to his introduction, by representing
Peregrine as a young fellow of great ambition, spirit, and address, who
could not fail to make a figure in the world; that therefore he would be
a creditable addition to the subordinates of such a patron, and by his
qualifications, intrepidity, and warmth of temper, turn out a consummate
herald of his fame. Upon these considerations, he met with a most
engaging reception from the entertainer, who was a well-bred man, of
some learning, generosity, and taste; but his foible was the desire of
being thought the inimitable pattern of all three.
It was with a view to acquire and support this character, that his
house was open to all those who had any pretensions to literature;
consequently he was surrounded by a strange variety of pretenders; but
none were discouraged, because he knew that even the most insignificant
might, in some shape, conduce to the propagation of his praise. A
babbler, though he cannot run upon the scent, may spring the game, and,
by his yelping, help to fill up the cry. No wonder, then, that a youth
of Pickle's accomplishments was admitted and even invited into the pack.
After having enjoyed a very short private audience in the closet, our
young gentleman was shown into another room, where half a dozen of his
fellow-adherents waited for the Maecenas, who in a few minutes appeared,
with a most gracious aspect, received the compliments of the morning,
and sat down to breakfast, in the midst of them, without any further
ceremony.
The conversation at first turned upon the weather, which was
investigated in a very philosophical manner by one of the company, who
seemed to have consulted all the barometers and thermometers that ever
were invented, before he would venture to affirm that it was a chill
morning. This subject being accurately discussed, the chief inquired
about the news of the learned world; and his inclination was no sooner
expressed than every guest opened his mouth, in order to ratify his
curiosity. But he that first captivated his attention was a meagre,
shrivelled antiquary, who looked like an animated mummy, which had been
scorched among the sands of the desert. He told the patron, that he had,
by accident, met with a medal, which, though it was defaced by time, he
would venture to pronounce a genuine antique, from the ringing and taste
of the metal, as well as from the colour and composition of the rust. So
saying, he produced a piece of copper coin, so consumed and disguised
by age, that scarce a vestige of the impression was to be perceived.
Nevertheless, this connoisseur pretended to distinguish a face in
profile, from which he concluded that the piece was of the Upper Empire,
and on the reverse he endeavoured to point out the bulb of the spear,
and part of the parazonium, which were the insignia of the Roman Virtus,
together with the fragment of one fold of the multicium in which she was
clothed. He likewise had discovered an angle of the letter N, and, at
some distance, an entire I; from these circumstances conjecturing, and
indeed concluding, that the medal was struck by Severus, in honour of
the victory he obtained over his rival Niger, after he had forced the
passes of Mount Taurus. This criticism seemed very satisfactory to
the entertainer, who, having examined the coin by the help of his
spectacles, plainly discerned the particulars which the owner had
mentioned, and was pleased to term his account of the matter a very
ingenious explanation.
The curiosity was circulated through the hands of all present, and every
virtuoso, in his turn, licked the copper, and rung it upon the hearth,
declaring his assent to the judgment which had been pronounced. At
length it fell under the inspection of our young gentleman, who, though
no antiquarian, was very well acquainted with the current coin of his
own country, and no sooner cast his eyes upon the valuable antique, than
he affirmed, without hesitation, that it was no other than the ruins of
an English farthing, and that same spear, parazonium, and multicium, the
remains of the emblems and drapery with which the figure of Britannia
is delineated on our copper money. This hardy asseveration seemed to
disconcert the patron while it incensed the medallist, who, grinning
like an enraged baboon, “What d'ye tell me of a brass farthing?” said
he. “Did you ever know modern brass of such a relish? Do but taste it,
young gentleman; and sure I am, if you have ever been conversant with
subjects of this kind, you will find as wide a difference in the savour
between this and an English farthing as can possibly be perceived
betwixt an onion and a turnip. Besides, this medal has the true
Corinthian ring; then the attitude is upright, whereas that of Britannia
is reclining; and how is it possible to mistake a branch of palm for a
parazonium?”
All the rest of the company espoused the virtuoso's side of the
question, because the reputation of each was concerned. The patron,
finding himself in the same circumstance, assumed a solemnity of
feature, dashed with a small mixture of displeasure, and told Peregrine,
that as he had not made that branch of literature his particular
study, he was not surprised to see him mistaken in his opinion. Pickle
immediately understood the reproof, though he was shocked at the vanity
or infatuation of his entertainer and fellow-guests; asked pardon for
his presumption, which was accordingly excused, in consideration of his
inexperience; and the English farthing was dignified with the title of a
true antique.
The next person that addressed himself to the chief was a gentleman of a
very mathematical turn, who valued himself upon the improvements he had
made in several domestic machines, and now presented the plan of a new
contrivance for cutting cabbages, in such a manner as would secure the
stock against the rotting rain, and enable it to produce a plenteous
aftercrop of delicious sprouts. In this important machine he had united
the whole mechanic powers, with such massy complication of iron and
wood, that it could not have been moved without the assistance of
a horse, and a road made for the convenience of the draught. These
objections were so obvious, that they occurred at first sight to the
inspector-general, who greatly commended the invention, which, he
observed, might be applied to several other useful purposes, could it
once be rendered a little more portable and commodious.
The inventor, who had not foreseen these difficulties, was not prepared
to surmount them; but he took the hint in good part, and promised to
task his abilities anew, in altering the construction of his design. Not
but that he underwent some severe irony from the rest of the virtuosi,
who complimented him upon the momentous improvement he had made, by
which a family might save a dish of greens in a quarter, for so trifling
an expense as that of purchasing, working, and maintaining such a
stupendous machine; but no man was ever more sarcastic in his remarks
upon this piece of mechanism than the naturalist, who next appealed to
the patron's approbation for a curious disposition he had made touching
the procreation of muck-flies, in which he had laid down a curious
method of collecting, preserving, and hatching the eggs of these
insects, even in the winter, by certain modifications of artificial
heat. The nature of this discovery was no sooner communicated, than
Peregrine, unable to contain himself, was seized with a fit of laughter,
which infected every person at the table, the landlord himself not
excepted, who found it impossible to preserve his wonted gravity of
face.
Such unmannerly mirth did not fail to mortify the philosopher, who,
after some pause, during which indignation and disdain were painted in
his countenance, reprehended our young gentleman for his unphilosophical
behaviour, and undertook to prove, that the subject of his inquiry
was of infinite consequence to the progress and increase of natural
knowledge. But he found no quarter from the vengeful engineer, who now
retorted his ironical compliments, with great emphasis, upon this hotbed
for the generation of vermin, and advised him to lay the whole process
before the Royal Society, which would, doubtless, present him with a
medal, and give him a place among their memoirs, as a distinguished
promoter of the useful arts. “If,” said he, “you had employed your
studies in finding out some effectual method to destroy those insects
which prejudice and annoy mankind, in all probability you must have
been contented with the contemplation of the good you had done; but this
curious expedient for multiplying maggots will surely entitle you to an
honourable rank in the list of learned philosophers.”--“I don't wonder,”
replied the naturalist, “that you should be so much averse to the
propagation of insects, because, in all likelihood, you are afraid that
they will not leave you a cabbage to cut down with the same miraculous
machine.”--“Sir,” answered the mechanic, with great bitterness of
voice and aspect, “if the cabbage be as light-headed as some muck-worm
philosophers, it will not be worth cutting down.”--“I never dispute
upon cabbage with the son of a cucumber,” said the fly-breeder, alluding
to the pedigree of his antagonist; who, impatient of the affront,
started up with fury in his looks, exclaiming, “'Sdeath! meaning me,
sir?”
Here the patron, perceiving things drawing towards a rupture, interposed
his authority, rebuking them for their intemperance and recommending
to them amity and concord against the Goths and Vandals of the age, who
took all opportunities of ridiculing and discouraging the adherents of
knowledge and philosophy. After this exhortation, they had no pretence
for carrying on the dispute, which was dropped in all appearance, though
the mechanic still retained his resentment; and after breakfast, when
the company broke up, accosted his adversary in the street, desiring to
know how he durst be so insolent as to make that scurrilous reflection
upon his family. The fly-fancier, thus questioned, accused the
mathematician of having been the aggressor, in likening his head to
a light cabbage; and here the altercation being renewed, the engineer
proceeded to the illustration of his mechanics, tilting up his hand
like a balance, thrusting it forward by way of lever, embracing the
naturalist's nose like a wedge betwixt two of his fingers, and turning
it round, with the momentum of a screw or peritrochium. Had they been
obliged to decide the dispute with equal arms, the assailant would have
had great advantage over the other, who was very much his inferior in
muscular strength; but the philosopher being luckily provided with a
cane, no sooner disengaged himself from this opprobrious application,
than he handled his weapon with great dexterity about the head and
shoulders of his antagonist, who, finding this shower of blows very
disagreeable, was fain to betake himself to his heels for shelter, and
was pursued by the angry victor, who chased him from one end of
the street to the other, affording unspeakable satisfaction to the
multitude, as well as to our hero and to his introductor, who were
spectators of the whole scene.
Thus was our adventurer initiated into the society of Yelpers, though
he did not as yet fully understand the nature of his office, which was
explained by the young physician, who chid him for his blunt behaviour
in the case of the medal; and gave him to understand, that their
patron's favour was neither to be gained nor preserved by any man that
would pretend to convict him of a mistake. He therefore counselled him
to respect this foible, and cultivate the old gentleman with all the
zeal and veneration which a regard to his own character would permit him
to say. This task was the easier to one of our young gentleman's pliant
disposition, because the virtuoso's behaviour was absolutely free from
that insolent self-conceit, which he could not bear without disgust. The
senior was, on the contrary, mild and beneficent; and Pickle was rather
pleased than shocked at his weakness; because it flattered his vanity
with the supposition of his own superior sense. Cautioned in this
manner, Peregrine profited so much by his insinuating qualifications,
that, in a very little time, he was looked upon as one of the chief
favourites of the patron, to whom he dedicated a small occasional poem;
and everybody believed he would reap the fruits of his attachment among
the first of the old gentleman's dependents.