Further proceedings of the College.
This affair was no sooner discussed, than another gentleman exhibited a
complaint, signifying, that he had undertaken to translate into English
a certain celebrated author, who had been cruelly mangled by former
attempts; and that, soon as his design took air, the proprietors of
those miserable translations had endeavoured to prejudice his work, by
industrious insinuations, contrary to truth and fair dealing, importing,
that he did not understand one word of the language which he pretended
to translate. This being a case that nearly concerned the greatest part
of the audience, it was taken into serious deliberation. Some observed,
that it was not only a malicious effort against the plaintiff, but also
a spiteful advertisement to the public, tending to promote an inquiry
into the abilities of all other translators, few of whom, it was well
known, were so qualified as to stand the test of such examination.
Others said, that over and above this consideration, which ought to have
its due weight with the college, there was a necessity for concerting
measures to humble the presumption of booksellers, who had, from
time immemorial, taken all opportunities to oppress and enslave their
authors; not only by limiting men of genius to the wages of journeymen
tailors, without even allowing them one Sabbath in the week, but also
in taking such advantages of their necessities as were inconsistent with
justice and humanity.
“For example,” said one of the members, “after I myself had acquired a
little reputation with the town, I was caressed by one of those tyrants,
who professed a friendship for me, and even supplied me with money,
according to the exigencies of my situation; so that I looked upon
him as the mirror of disinterested benevolence; and had he known my
disposition, and treated me accordingly, I should have writ for him upon
his own terms. After I had used his friendship in this manner for some
time, I happened to have occasion for a small sum of money, and with
great confidence made another application to my good friend; when all of
a sudden he put a stop to his generosity, refused to accommodate me
in the most abrupt and mortifying style; and though I was at that time
pretty far advanced in a work for his benefit, which was a sufficient
security for what I owed him, he roundly asked, how I proposed to pay
the money which I had already borrowed? Thus was I used like a young w--
just come upon the town, whom the b--d allows to run into her debt,
that she may have it in her power to oppress her at pleasure; and if the
sufferer complains, she is treated like the most ungrateful wretch
upon earth; and that too with such appearance of reason, as may easily
mislead an unconcerned spectator. 'You unthankful drab!' she will say,
'didn't I take you into my house when you hadn't a shift to your back,
a petticoat to your tail, nor a morsel of bread to put into your belly?
Han't I clothed you from head to foot like a gentlewoman, supported you
with board, lodging, and all necessaries, till your own extravagance
hath brought you into distress; and now you have the impudence, you
nasty, stinking, brimstone bungaway! to say you are hardly dealt with,
when I demand no more than my own?' Thus the w-- and the author are
equally oppressed, and even left without the melancholy privilege of
complaining; so that they are fain to subscribe to such terms as their
creditors shall please to impose.”
This illustration operated so powerfully upon the conviction and
resentment of the whole college, that revenge was universally denounced
against those who had aggrieved the plaintiff; and, after some debate,
it was agreed that he should make a new translation of some other
saleable book, in opposition to a former version belonging to the
delinquents, and print it in such a small size as would enable him
to undersell their property; and that this new translation should
be recommended and introduced into the world with the whole art and
influence of the society.
This affair being settled to the satisfaction of all present, an author
of some character stood up, and craved the advice and assistance of his
fellows, in punishing a certain nobleman of great pretensions to taste,
who, in consequence of a production which this gentleman had ushered
into the world with universal applause, not only desired, but even
eagerly courted his acquaintance. “He invited me to his house,” said he,
“where I was overwhelmed with civility and professions of friendship.
He insisted upon my treating him as an intimate, and calling upon him at
all hours, without ceremony; he made me promise to breakfast with him
at least three times a week. In short, I looked upon myself as very
fortunate, in meeting with such advances from a man of his interest and
reputation, who had it in his power to befriend me effectually in my
passage through life; and, that I might not give him any cause to think
I neglected his friendship, I went to his house in two days, with a view
of drinking chocolate, according to appointment; but he had been so
much fatigued with dancing at an assembly overnight, that his
valet-de-chambre would not venture to wake him so early; and I left my
compliments to his lordship, with a performance in manuscript, which he
had expressed a most eager desire to peruse. I repeated my visit next
morning, that his impatience to see me might not have some violent
effect upon his constitution; and received a message from his minister,
signifying, that he had been highly entertained with the manuscript I
had left, a great part of which he had read, but was at present so busy
in contriving a proper dress for a private masquerade, which would
be given that same evening, that he could not have the pleasure of my
company at breakfast. This was a feasible excuse, which I admitted
accordingly, and in a day or two appeared again, when his lordship was
particularly engaged. This might possibly be the case; and therefore I
returned the fourth time, in hopes of finding him more at leisure;
but he had gone out about half an hour before my arrival, and left my
performance with his valet-de-chambre, who assured me, that his lord
had perused it with infinite pleasure. Perhaps I might have retired very
well satisfied with this declaration, had not I, in my passage through
the hall, heard one of the footmen upon the top of the staircase,
pronounce with an audible voice, 'Will your lordship please to be at
home when he calls?' It is not to be supposed that I was pleased at this
discovery, which I no sooner made, than, turning to my conductor, 'I
find,' said I, 'his lordship is disposed to be abroad to more people
than me this morning.' The fellow, though a valet-de-chambre, blushed at
this observation; and I withdrew, not a little irritated at the peer's
disingenuity, and fully resolved to spare him my visits for the future.
It was not long after this occasion, that I happened to meet him in
the park, and being naturally civil, I could not pass him without a
salutation of the hat, which he returned in the most distant manner,
though we were both solitary, and not a soul within view, and when that
very performance, which he had applauded so warmly, was lately published
by subscription, he did not bespeak so much as one copy. I have often
reflected with wonder upon this inconsistency of his conduct. I never
courted his patronage, nor indeed thought of his name, until he
made interest for my acquaintance; and if he was disappointed in my
conversation, why did he press me so much to further connection?”
“The case is very clear,” cried the chairman, interrupting him; “he is
one of those connoisseurs who set up for taste, and value themselves
upon knowing all men of genius, whom they would be thought to assist
in their productions. I will lay an even bet with any man, that his
lordship on the strength of that slender interview, together with the
opportunity of having seen your performance in manuscript, has already
hinted to every company in which he is conversant, that you solicited
his assistance in retouching the piece, which you have now offered to
the public, and that he was pleased to favour you with his advice,
but found you obstinately bigoted to your own opinion, in some points
relating to those very passages which have not met with the approbation
of the town. As for his caresses, there was nothing at all extraordinary
in his behaviour. By that time you have lived to my age, you will not
be surprised to see a courtier's promise and performance of a different
complexion; not but that I would willingly act as an auxiliary in your
resentment.”
The opinion of the president was strengthened by the concurrence of all
the members; and all other complaints and memorials being deferred till
another sitting, the college proceeded to an exercise of wit, which was
generally performed once every fortnight, with a view to promote the
expectoration of genius. The subject was occasionally chosen by the
chairman, who opened the game with some shrewd remark naturally arising
from the conversation; and then the ball was tossed about, from one
corner of the room to the other, according to the motions of the spirit.
That the reader may have a just idea of this sport, and of the abilities
of those who carried it on, I shall repeat the sallies of this evening,
according to the order and succession in which they escaped. One of the
members observing that Mr. Metaphor was absent, was told by the person
who sat next to him, that the poet had foul weather at home, and could
not stir abroad. “What!” said the president, interposing, with the
signal upon his countenance, “is he wind-bound, in port?”--“Wine-bound,
I suppose,” cried another. “Hooped with wine! a strange metaphor!” said
the third. “Not if he has got into a hogshead,” answered the fourth.
“The hogshead will sooner get into him,” replied a fifth; “it must be a
tun or an ocean.”--“No wonder then, if he should be overwhelmed,” said
a sixth. “If he should,” cried a seventh, “he will cast up when his gall
breaks.”--“That must be very soon,” roared an eighth, “for it has been
long ready to burst.” “No, no,” observed a ninth, “he'll stick fast
at the bottom, take my word for it; he has a natural alacrity in
sinking.”--“And yet,” remarked a tenth, “I have seen him in the
clouds.”--“Then was he cloudy, I suppose,” cried the eleventh.
“So dark,” replied the other, “that his meaning could not be
perceived.”--“For all that,” said the twelfth, “he is easily seen
through.”--“You talk,” answered the thirteenth, “as if his head was made
of glass.”--“No, no,” cried the fourteenth, “his head is made of more
durable stuff; it will bend before it breaks.”--“Yet I have seen it
broken,” resumed the president. “Did you perceive any wit come out
at the whole?” said another. “His wit,” replied the chairman, “is too
subtle to be perceived.”
A third mouth was just open, when the exercise was suddenly interrupted
by the dreadful cry of “Fire!” which issued from the kitchen, and
involved the whole college in confusion. Every man endeavoured to be
the first in making his exit, the door and passage were blocked up; each
individual was pommelled by the person that happened to be behind him.
This communication produced noise and exclamation; clouds of smoke
rolled upwards into the apartment, and terror sat on every brow; when
Peregrine, seeing no prospect of retreating by the door, opened one of
the windows, and fairly leaped into the street, where he found a crowd
of people assembled to contribute their assistance in extinguishing the
flames. Several members of the college followed his example, and happily
accomplished their escape. The chairman himself, being unwilling to use
the same expedient, stood trembling on the brink of descent, dubious
of his own agility, and dreading the consequence of such a leap, when
a chair happening to pass, he laid hold on the opportunity, and by an
exertion of his muscles, pitched upon the top of the carriage, which was
immediately overturned in the kennel, to the grievous annoyance of the
fare, which happened to be a certain effeminate beau, in full dress, on
his way to a private assembly.
This phantom hearing the noise overhead, and feeling the shock of being
overthrown at the same time, thought that some whole tenement had fallen
upon the chair, and, in the terror of being crushed to pieces, uttered
a scream, which the populace supposed to proceed from the mouth of a
woman; and therefore went to his assistance, while the chairmen, instead
of ministering to his occasions, no sooner recollected themselves,
than they ran in pursuit of their overthrower, who, being accustomed
to escape from bailiffs, dived into a dark alley, and, vanishing in a
trice, was not visible to any living soul, until he appeared next day on
Tower-hill.
The humane part of the mob, who bestirred themselves for the relief of
the supposed lady, no sooner perceived their mistake in the appearance
of the beau, who stared around him with horror and affright, than their
compassion was changed into mirth, and they began to pass a great
many unsavoury jokes upon his misfortune, which they now discovered no
inclination to alleviate; and he found himself very uncomfortably
beset, when Pickle, pitying his situation, interposed in his behalf, and
prevailed upon the chairmen to carry him into the house of an apothecary
in the neighbourhood, to whom his mischance proved a very advantageous
accident; for the fright operated so violently upon his nerves, that he
was seized with a delirium, and lay a whole fortnight deprived of his
senses; during which period he was not neglected in point of medicines,
food, and attendance, but royally regaled, as appeared by the contents
of his landlord's bill.
Our adventurer having seen this unfortunate beau safely housed, returned
to the scene of the other calamity, which, as it was no other than a
foul chimney, soon yielded to the endeavours of the family, and was
happily overcome, without any other bad consequence than that of
alarming the neighbours, disturbing the college, and disordering
the brain of a beau. Eager to be acquainted with the particular
constitutions of a society which seemed to open upon him by degrees,
Mr. Pickle did not fail to appear at the next meeting, when several
petitions were laid before the board, in behalf of those members who
were confined in the prisons of the Fleet, Marshalsea, and King's Bench.
As those unhappy authors expected nothing from their brethren but advice
and good offices, which did not concern the purse, the memorials were
considered with great care and humanity; and, upon this occasion,
Peregrine had it in his power to manifest his importance to the
community; for he happened to be acquainted with the creditor of one
of the prisoners, and knew that gentleman's severity was owing to his
resentment at the behaviour of the debtor, who had lampooned him in
print, because he refused to comply with a fresh demand, after he had
lent him money to the amount of a considerable sum. Our young gentleman,
therefore, understanding that the author was penitent, and disposed to
make a reasonable submission, promised to employ his influence with the
creditor towards an accommodation; and in a few days actually obtained
his release.
The social duties being discharged, the conversation took a general
turn, and several new productions were freely criticised; those
especially which belonged to authors who were either unconnected with,
or unknown to the college. Nor did the profession of stage-playing
escape the cognizance of the assembly; a deputation of the most
judicious members being sent weekly to each theatre, with a view of
making remarks upon the performance of the actors. The censors for the
preceding week were accordingly called upon to give in their report; and
the play which they had reviewed was “the Revenge.”
“Mr. Q--,” said the second censor, “take him all in all, is certainly
the most complete and unblemished performer that ever appeared on our
stage, notwithstanding the blind adoration which is paid to his rival.
I went two nights ago, with an express design to criticise his action. I
could find no room for censure, but infinite subject for admiration
and applause. In Pierre he is great, in Othello excellent, but in Zanga
beyond all imitation. Over and above the distinctness of pronunciation,
the dignity of attitude, and expression of face, his gestures are so
just and significant, that a man, though utterly bereft of the sense of
hearing, might, by seeing him only, understand the meaning of every word
he speaks! Sure nothing can be more exquisite than his manner of telling
Isabella how Alonzo behaved, when he found the incendiary letter
which he had dropped by the Moor's direction; and when, to crown his
vengeance, he discovers himself to be the contriver of all the mischief
that had happened, he manifests a perfect masterpiece of action, in
pronouncing these four little monosyllables, 'Know, then, 'twas--I.'”
Peregrine having eyed the critic some minutes, “I fancy,” said he,
“your praise must be ironical, because, in the very two situations you
mention, I think I have seen that player outherod Herod, or, in other
words, exceed all his other extravagances. The intention of the author
is, that the Moor should communicate to his confidant a piece of
information contained in a few lines, which, doubtless, ought to
be repeated with an air of eagerness and satisfaction, not with the
ridiculous grimace of a monkey, to which, methought, his action bore an
intimate resemblance, in uttering this plain sentence:--
----He took it up:
But scarce was it unfolded to his sight,
When he, as if an arrow pierc'd his eye,
Started, and trembling dropp'd it on the ground.
“In pronouncing the first two words, this egregious actor stoops down,
and seems to take up something from the stage, then proceeding to repeat
what follows, mimics the manner of unfolding a letter; when he mentions
the simile of an arrow piercing the eye, he darts his forefinger towards
that organ, then recoils with great violence when the word 'started' is
expressed; and when he comes to 'trembling dropp'd it on the ground,' he
throws all his limbs into a tremulous motion, and shakes the imaginary
paper from his hand. The latter part of the description is carried on
with the same minute gesticulation, while he says:--
Pale and aghast awhile my victim stood,
Disguis'd a sigh or two, and puff'd them from him;
Then rubb'd his brow, and took it up again.
The player's countenance assumes a wild stare, he sighs twice most
piteously, as if he were on the point of suffocation, scrubs his
forehead, and, bending his body, apes the action of snatching an object
from the floor. Nor is this dexterity of dumb-show omitted, when he
concludes his imitation in these three lines:--
At first he look'd as if he meant to read it;
But check'd by rising fears, he crushed it thus,
And thrust it, like an adder, in his bosom.
“Here the judicious performer imitates the confusion and concern of
Alonzo, seems to cast his eyes upon something, from which they are
immediately withdrawn with horror and precipitation then shutting
his fist with a violent squeeze, as if he intended to make immediate
application to Isabella's nose, he rams it in his own bosom, with all
the horror and agitation of a thief taken in the manner. Were the player
debarred the use of speech, and obliged to act to the eyes only of the
audience, this mimicry might be a necessary conveyance of his meaning;
but when he is at liberty to signify his ideas by language, nothing can
be more trivial, forced, unnatural, and antic, than this mummery. Not
that I would exclude from the representation the graces of action,
without which the choicest sentiments, clothed in the most exquisite
expression, would appear unanimated and insipid; but these are as
different from this ridiculous burlesque, as is the demeanour of a Tully
in the rostrum, from the tricks of a Jack-pudding on a mountebank's
stage. And, for the truth of what I allege, I appeal to the observation
of any person who has considered the elegance of attitude and propriety
of gesture, as they are universally acknowledged in the real characters
of life. Indeed, I have known a Gascon, whose limbs were eloquent as
his tongue: he never mentioned the word sleep without reclining his
head upon his hand; when he had occasion to talk of a horse, he always
started up and trotted across the room, except when he was so situated
that he could not stir without incommoding the company, and in that case
he contented himself with neighing aloud. If a dog happened to be the
subject of his conversation, he wagged his tail, and grinned in a
most significant manner; and one day he expressed his desire of going
backwards with such natural imitation of his purpose, that everybody in
the room firmly believed he had actually overshot himself, and fortified
their nostrils accordingly. Yet no man ever looked upon this virtuoso to
be the standard of propriety in point of speaking and deportment. For
my own part, I confess the player in question would, by dint of these
qualifications, make a very good figure in the character of Pantaloon's
lacquey, in the entertainment of 'Perseus and Andromeda,' and perhaps
might acquire some reputation, by turning 'the Revenge' into a
pantomime; in which case, I would advise him to come upon the stage,
provided with a handful of flour, in order to besmear his face when he
pronounces 'pale and aghast,' etc.; and methinks he ought to illustrate
the adder with a hideous hiss. But let us now come to the other
situation, in which this modern Aesopus is supposed to distinguish
himself so much--I mean that same eclaircissement comprehended in 'Know
then, 'twas--I.' His manner, I own, may be altered since I was present
at the representation of that performance; but certain I am, when I
beheld him in that critical conjuncture, his behaviour appeared to me
so uncouth, that I really imagined he was visited by some epileptic
distemper; for he stood tottering and gasping for the space of two
minutes, like a man suddenly struck with the palsy; and, after various
distortions and side-shakings, as if he had got fleas in his doublet,
heaved up from his lungs the letter I, like a huge anchor from foul
ground.”
This criticism was acceptable to the majority of the college, who had
no great veneration for the player in question; and his admirer, without
making any reply, asked in a whisper, of the gentleman who sat next to
him, if Pickle had not offered some production to the stage, and met
with a repulse.