Peregrine commits himself to the Public, and is admitted Member of a
College of Authors.
The bitterness of this explanation being passed, our young gentleman
began to revolve within himself schemes for making up the deficiencies
of his yearly income, which was now so grievously reduced; and
determined to profit, in some shape or other, by those talents which he
owed to nature and education. He had, in his affluence, heard of several
authors, who, without any pretensions to genius or human literature,
earned a very genteel subsistence by undertaking work for booksellers,
in which reputation was not at all concerned. One, for example,
professed all manner of translation, at so much per sheet, and actually
kept five or six amanuenses continually employed, like so many clerks in
a counting-house, by which means he was enabled to live at his ease, and
enjoy his friend and his bottle, ambitious of no other character than
that of an honest man and a good neighbour. Another projected a variety
of plans for new dictionaries, which were executed under his eye by
day-labourers; and the province of a third was history and voyages,
collected or abridged by understrappers of the same class.
Mr. Pickle, in his comparisons, paid such deference to his own
capacity, as banished all doubts of his being able to excel any of those
undertakers in their different branches of profession, if ever he should
be driven to that experiment; but his ambition prompted him to make his
interest and glory coincide, by attempting some performance which
should do him honour with the public, and at the same time establish
his importance among the copy-purchasers in town. With this view, he
worshipped the muse; and, conscious of the little regard which is in
this age paid to every species of poetic composition, in which neither
satire nor obscenity occurs, he produced an imitation of Juvenal,
and lashed some conspicuous characters, with equal truth, spirit, and
severity. Though his name did not appear in the title-page of this
production, he managed matters so that the work was universally
imputed to the true author, who was not altogether disappointed in his
expectations of success; for the impression was immediately sold off,
and the piece became the subject of conversation in all assemblies of
taste.
This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of the booksellers,
who made interest for his acquaintance, but also roused the notice of a
society of authors, who styled themselves “The College,” from which
he was honoured with a deputation, offering to enroll him a member by
unanimous consent. The person employed for this purpose being a bard
who had formerly tasted of our hero's bounty, used all his eloquence to
persuade him to comply with the advances of their fraternity, which
he described in such a manner as inflamed the curiosity of Pickle, who
dismissed the ambassador, with an acknowledgment of the great honour
they conferred upon him, and a faithful promise of endeavouring to merit
the continuance of their approbation.
He was afterwards, by the same minister, instructed in the ceremonies of
the college; and, in consequence of his information, composed an ode,
to be publicly recited on the evening of his introduction. He understood
that this constitution was no other than a body of authors, incorporated
by mutual consent, for their joint advantage and satisfaction,
opposed to another assembly of the same kind, their avowed enemies and
detractors. No wonder, then, that they sought to strengthen themselves
with such a valuable acquisition as our hero was likely to prove. The
college consisted of authors only, and these of all degrees in point
of reputation, from the fabricator of a song, set to music, and sung at
Marylebone, to the dramatic bard who had appeared in buskins upon the
stage: nay, one of the members had actually finished eight books of an
epic poem, for the publication of which he was at that time soliciting
subscriptions.
It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the sons of Apollo
would sit a whole evening with order and decorum, unless they were under
the check of some established authority; and this inconvenience having
been foreseen, they had elected a president, vested with full power to
silence any member or members that should attempt to disturb the harmony
and subordination of the whole. The sage, who at this time possessed the
chair, was a person in years, whose countenance was a lively portraiture
of that rancorous discontent which follows repeated damnation. He had
been extremely unfortunate in his theatrical productions, and was, to
use the words of a profane wag, who assisted at the condemnation of his
last play, by this time d--d beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he still
tarried about the skirts of Parnassus, translating some of the classics,
and writing miscellanies, and by dint of an invincible assurance,
supercilious insolence, the most undaunted virulence of tongue, and some
knowledge of life, he made shift to acquire and maintain the character
of a man of learning and wit, in the opinion of people who had neither;
that is, thirty-nine in forty of those with whom he associated himself.
He was even looked upon in this light by some few of the college; though
the major part of those who favoured his election, were such as dreaded
his malice, respected his experience and seniority, or hated his
competitor, who was the epic poet.
The chief end of this society, as I have already hinted, was to assist
and support each other in their productions, which they mutually
recommended to sale, with all their art and influence, not only in
private conversation, but also in occasional epigrams, criticisms, and
advertisements, inserted in the public papers. This science, which is
known by the vulgar appellation of puffing, they carried to such a pitch
of finesse, that an author very often wrote an abusive answer to his own
performance, in order to inflame the curiosity of the town, by which
it had been overlooked. Notwithstanding this general unanimity in the
college, a private animosity had long subsisted between the two rivals
I have mentioned, on account of precedence, to which both laid claim,
though, by a majority of votes, it had been decided in favour of the
present chairman. The grudge indeed never proceeded to any degree of
outrage or defiance, but manifested itself at every meeting, in attempts
to eclipse each other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee; so that
there was always a delicate mess of this kind of wit served up in the
front of the evening, for the entertainment and example of the junior
members, who never failed to divide upon this occasion, declaring
themselves for one or other of the combatants, whom they encouraged by
their looks, gestures, and applause, according to the circumstances of
the dispute.
This honourable consistory was held in the best room of an ale-house,
which afforded wine, punch, or beer, suitable to the purse or
inclination of every individual, who separately paid for his own choice;
and here was our hero introduced in the midst of twenty strangers, who,
by their looks and equipage, formed a very picturesque variety. He was
received with a most gracious solemnity, and placed upon the right
hand of the president, who, having commanded silence, recited aloud
his introductory ode, which met with universal approbation. Then was
tendered to him the customary oath, obliging him to consult the honour
and advantage of the society as far as it should he in his power, in
every station of life; and this being taken, his temples were bound with
a wreath of laurel, which was kept sacred for such inauguration.
When these rites were performed with all due ceremony, the new member
cast his eyes around the place, and took a more accurate survey of his
brethren; among whom he observed a strange collection of periwigs, with
regard to the colour, fashions, and dimensions, which were such as
he had never seen before. Those who sat on each side, nearest the
president, were generally distinguished by venerable ties, the foretops
of which exhibited a surprising diversity; some of them rose slanting
backwards, like the glacis of a fortification; some were elevated in
two distinct eminences, like the hills Helicon and Parnassus; and others
were curled and reflected, as the horns of Jupiter Ammon. Next to these,
the majors took place, many of which were mere succedanea, made by the
application of an occasional rose to the tail of a lank bob; and in the
lower form appeared masses of hair, which would admit of no description.
Their clothes were tolerably well suited to the furniture of their
heads, the apparel of the upper bench being decent and clean, while that
of the second class was threadbare and soiled; and at the lower end
of the room, he perceived divers efforts made to conceal their
rent breeches and dirty linen; nay, he could distinguish by their
countenances the different kinds of poetry in which they exercised the
muse. He saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity of regard; Satire
louring in a frown of envy and discontent; Elegy whining in a funeral
aspect; Pastoral dozing in a most insipid languor of face; Ode-writing
delineated in a distracted stare; and Epigram squinting with a pert
sneer. Perhaps our hero refined too much in his penetration, when he
affirmed, that, over and above these discoveries, he could plainly
perceive the state of every one's finances, and would have undertaken
to have guessed each particular sum without varying three farthings from
the truth. The conversation, instead of becoming general, began to fall
into parties; and the epic poet had actually attracted the attention of
a private committee, when the chairman interposed, calling aloud, “No
cabals, no conspiracies, gentlemen.” His rival, thinking it incumbent
upon him to make some reply to this rebuke, answered, “We have no
secrets; he that hath ears, let him hear.” This was spoke as an
intimation to the company, whose looks were instantly whetted with the
expectation of their ordinary meal; but the president seemed to decline
the contest; for, without putting on his fighting face, he calmly
replied, that he had seen Mr. Metaphor tip the wink, and whisper to
one of his confederates, and thence judged, that there was something
mysterious on the carpet.
The epic poet, believing his antagonist crest-fallen, resolved to take
the advantage of his dejection, that he might enhance his own character
in the opinion of the stranger; and, with that view, asked, with an air
of exultation, if a man might not be allowed to have a convulsion in his
eye, without being suspected of a conspiracy? The president, perceiving
his drift, and piqued at his presumption, “To be sure,” said he, “a
man of a weak head may be very well supposed to have convulsions in his
eyes.” This repartee produced a laugh of triumph among the chairman's
adherents; one of whom observed, that his rival had got a smart rap on
the pate. “Yes,” replied the bard, “in that respect Mr. Chairman has the
advantage of me. Had my head been fortified with a horn-work, I should
not have been so sensible of the stroke.” This retort, which carried a
severe allusion to the president's wife, lighted up the countenances of
the aggressor's friends, which had begun to be a little obumbrated;
and had a contrary effect upon the other faction, till their chief,
collecting all his capacity, returned the salute, by observing, that
there was no occasion for a horn-work, when the covered way was not
worth defending.
Such a reprisal upon Mr. Metaphor's yoke-fellow, who was by no means
remarkable for her beauty, could not fail to operate upon the hearers;
and as for the bard himself, he was evidently ruffled by the reflection;
to which, however, he, without hesitation, replied, “Egad! 'tis my
opinion, that, if your covered way was laid open, few people would
venture to give the assault.”--“Not unless their batteries were more
effectual than the fire of your wit,” said the president. “As for
that matter,” cried the other with precipitation, “they would have
no occasion to batter in breach; they would find the angle of the la
pucelle bastion demolished to their hands--he, he!”--“But I believe it
would surpass your understanding,” resumed the chairman, “to fill up
the fosse.”--“That, I own, is impracticable,” replied the bard, “there I
should meet with a hiatus maxime deflendus!”
The president, exasperated at this insinuation, in presence of the new
member, exclaimed, with indignation in his looks, “And yet, if a body
of pioneers were set at work upon your skull, they would find rubbish
enough to choke up all the common sewers in town.” Here a groan was
uttered by the admirers of the epic poet, who, taking a pinch of snuff
with great composure, “When a man grows scurrilous,” said he, “I take it
for an undoubted proof of his overthrow.”--“If that be the case,” cried
the other, “you yourself must be the vanquished party, for you were
the first that was driven to personal abuse.”--“I appeal,” answered the
bard, “to those who can distinguish. Gentlemen, your judgment.”
This reference produced a universal clamour, and the whole college was
involved in confusion. Every man entered into dispute with his neighbour
on the merits of this cause. The chairman interposed his authority in
vain; the noise grew louder and louder; the disputants waxed warm;
the epithets of blockhead, fool, and scoundrel, were bandied about.
Peregrine enjoyed the uproar, and, leaping upon the table, sounded
the charge to battle, which was immediately commenced in ten different
duels. The lights were extinguished; the combatants thrashed one another
without distinction; the mischievous Pickle distributed sundry random
blows in the dark, and the people below, being alarmed with the sound
of application, the overturning of chairs, and the outcries of those who
were engaged, came up-stairs in a body with lights to reconnoitre, and,
if possible, quell this hideous tumult.
Objects were no sooner rendered visible, than the field of battle
exhibited strange groups of the standing and the fallen. Each of Mr.
Metaphor's eyes was surrounded with a circle of a livid hue; and the
president's nose distilled a quantity of clotted blood. One of the
tragic authors, finding himself assaulted in the dark, had, by way of a
poniard, employed upon his adversary's throat a knife which lay upon the
table, for the convenience of cutting cheese; but, by the blessing of
God, the edge of it was not keen enough to enter the skin, which it had
only scratched in divers places. A satirist had almost bit off the ear
of a lyric bard. Shirts and neckcloths were torn to rags; and there was
such a woeful wreck of periwigs on the floor, that no examination
could adjust the property of the owners, the greatest part of whom were
obliged to use handkerchiefs by way of nightcap.
The fray, however, ceased at the approach of those who interposed; part
of the combatants being tired of an exercise in which they had
received nothing but hard blows; part of them being intimidated by the
remonstrances of the landlord and his company, who threatened to call
the watch; and a very few being ashamed of the scandalous dispute
in which they were detected. But though the battle was ended, it was
impossible, for that evening, to restore harmony and good order to the
society, which broke up, after the president had pronounced a short and
confused apology to our adventurer, for the indecent uproar which had
unfortunately happened on the first night of his admission. Indeed,
Peregrine deliberated with himself, whether or not his reputation would
allow him to appear again among this venerable fraternity; but, as he
knew some of them to be men of real genius, how ridiculous soever their
carriage might be modified, and was of that laughing disposition, which
is always seeking food for mirth, as Horace observes of Philippus:
Risus undique quaerit;--
he resolved to frequent the college, notwithstanding this accident,
which happened at his inauguration; being thereto, moreover, induced by
his desire of knowing the private history of the stage, with which he
supposed some of the members perfectly well acquainted. He was also
visited, before the next meeting, by his introductor, who assured him,
that such a tumult had never happened since the first institution of the
assembly, till that very night; and promised that, for the future, he
should have no cause to be scandalized at their behaviour.
Persuaded by these motives and assurances, he trusted himself once more
in the midst of their community, and everything proceeded with great
decorum; all dispute and altercation was avoided, and the college
applied itself seriously to the purposes of its meeting, namely, to hear
the grievances of individuals, and assist them with salutary advice.
The first person that craved redress was a noisy North Briton, who
complained, in a strange dialect, that he had, in the beginning of the
season, presented a comedy to the manager of a certain theatre, who,
after it had lain six weeks in his hands, returned it to the author,
affirming there was neither sense nor English in the performance.
The president, who, by the bye, had revised the piece, thinking his own
reputation concerned, declared, in presence of the whole society,
that, with regard to sense, he would not undertake to vindicate the
production; but, in point of language, no fault could be justly laid to
its charge. “The case, however, is very plain,” said he; “the manager
never gave himself the trouble to peruse the play, but formed a judgment
of it from the conversation of the author, never dreaming that it had
undergone the revisal of an English writer; be that as it will, you are
infinitely obliged to him for having despatched you so soon, and I shall
have the better opinion of him for it so long as I live; for I have
known other guise authors than you, that is, in point of interest and
fame, kept in continual attendance and dependence during the best part
of their lives, and, after all, disappointed in the expectation of
seeing their performances exhibited on the stage.”