clothes, which were detained on account of the money I owed in that
place; and, asking her dismission from my service, set up shop for
herself. I had not lived many weeks in my new habitation, when my
persecutor renewed his attempts to make himself master of my person;
but I had learned from experience to redouble my vigilance, and he was
frustrated in all his endeavours. I was again happy in the conversation
of my former acquaintance, and visited by a great number of gentlemen,
mostly persons of probity and sense, who cultivated my friendship,
without any other motive of attachment. Not that I was unsolicited on
the article of love. That was a theme on which I never wanted orators;
and could I have prevailed upon myself to profit by the advances that
were made, I might have managed my opportunities so as to have set
fortune at defiance for the future. But I was none of these economists
who can sacrifice their hearts to interested considerations.
“One evening, while I was conversing with three or four of my friends,
my lawyer came in, and told me he had something of consequence to
impart; upon which all the gentlemen but one went away. Then he gave me
to understand, that my suit would immediately come to trial; and, though
he hoped the best, the issue was uncertain. That, if it should be given
against me, the decision would inspire my lord with fresh spirits to
disturb my peace, and, therefore, it would be convenient for me to
retire, until the affair should be brought to a determination.
“I was very much disconcerted at this intelligence; and the gentleman
who stayed, perceiving my concern, asked what I intended to do, or if he
could serve me in any shape, and desired to know whither I proposed to
retreat. I affected to laugh, and answered, “To a garret, I believe.” To
this overstrained reasoning he replied, that if I should, his friendship
and regard would find the way to my apartment; and I had no reason to
doubt the sincerity of his declaration. We consulted about the measures
I should take, and I determined to remove into the country, where I was
soon favoured with a letter from him, wherein he expressed the infinite
pleasure he had in being able to assure me that my suit had been
successful, and that I might appear again with great safety.
“Accordingly, I returned to town in his coach and six, which he had
sent for my convenience, and the same evening went with him to the
masquerade, where we passed the night very agreeably, his spirits, as
well as mine, being elevated to a joyous pitch by the happy event of
my process. This gentleman was a person of great honour, worth, and
good-nature; he loved me extremely, but did not care that I should know
the extent of his passion. On the contrary, he endeavoured to persuade
me, he had laid it down as a maxim, that no woman should ever have power
enough over his heart to give him the least pain or disquiet. In short,
he had made a progress in my affection, and to his generosity was
I indebted for my subsistence two whole years; during which, he was
continually professing this philosophic indifference, while, at the same
time, he was giving me daily assurances of his friendship and esteem,
and treated me with incessant marks of the most passionate love; so
that I concluded his intention was cold, though his temper was warm.
Considering myself as an encumbrance upon his fortune, I redoubled my
endeavours to obtain a separate maintenance from my lord, and removed
from St. James's-square to lodgings at Kensington, where I had not
long enjoyed myself in tranquility, before I was interrupted by a very
unexpected visit.
“While I was busy one day dressing in my dining-room, I found his
lordship at my elbow before I was aware of his approach, although his
coach was at the door, and the house already in the possession of his
servants. He accosted me in the usual style, as if we had parted the
night before; and I answered him with an appearance of the same careless
familiarity, desiring him to sit down, while I retreated to my chamber,
locked the door, and fairly went to bed; being perhaps the first woman
who went thither for protection from the insults of a man. Here, then.
I immured myself with my faithful Abigail. My lord finding me secured,
knocked at the door, and through the keyhole begged to be admitted,
assuring me that all he wanted was a conference. I desired to be
excused, though I believed his assurance; but I had no inclination to
converse with him, because I knew from experience the nature of his
conversation, which was so disagreeable and tormenting, that I would
have exchanged it at any time for a good beating, and thought myself
a gainer by the bargain. However, he persisted in his importunities to
such a degree, that I assented to his proposal, on condition that the
duke of L-- should be present at the interview: and he immediately sent
a message for his grace, while I, in peace, ate my breakfast, conveyed
in a basket, which was hoisted up to the window of my bedchamber.
“The duke was so kind as to come at my lord's request, and, before I
would open the door, gave me his word, that I should be protected from
all violence and compulsion. Thus assured, they were permitted to enter.
My little gentleman, sitting down by my bedside, began to repeat the old
hackneyed arguments he had formerly used, with a view of inducing me
to live with him; and I, on my side, repeated my former objections, or
pretended to listen to his representations, while my imagination was
employed in contriving the means of effecting an escape, as the duke
easily perceived by my countenance.
“Finding all his remonstrances ineffectual, he quitted the chamber, and
left his cause to the eloquence of his grace, who sat with me a whole
half-hour, without exerting himself much in behalf of his client,
because he knew I was altogether obstinate and determined on that score;
but joked upon the behaviour of his lordship, who, though jealous of
most people, had left him alone with me in my bedchamber, observing,
that he must neither have great confidence in his virtue, or a very
bad opinion of him otherwise. In short, I found means to defer the
categorical answer till next day, and invited the duke and his lordship
to dine with me to-morrow. My wise yoke-fellow seemed to doubt the
sincerity of this invitation, and was very much disposed to keep
possession of my house. But, by the persuasion of his grace, and the
advice of H--, who was his chief counsellor and back, he was prevailed
upon to take my word, and for the present left me.
“They were no sooner retired, than I rose with great expedition, packed
up my clothes, and took shelter in Essex for the first time. Next day,
my lord and his noble friend came to dinner, according to appointment;
and being informed of my escape by my woman, whom I left in the house,
his lordship discovered some signs of discontent, and insisted upon
seeing my papers; upon which my maid produced a parcel of bills which
I owed to different people. Notwithstanding this disappointment, he sat
down to what was provided for dinner, and with great deliberation ate up
a leg of lamb, the best part of a fowl, and something else, which I do
not now remember; and then very peaceably went away, giving my maid an
opportunity of following me to the place of my retreat.
“My intention was to have sought refuge, as formerly, in another
country; but I was prevented from putting my design in execution by a
fit of illness, during which I was visited by my physician and some of
my own relations, particularly a distant cousin of mine, whom my lord
had engaged in his interests, by promising to recompense her amply, if
she could persuade me to comply with his desire. In this office she was
assisted by the doctor, who was my friend, and a man of sense, for whom
I have the most perfect esteem, though he and I have often differed
in point of opinion. In a word, I was exposed to the incessant
importunities of all my acquaintance, which, added to the desperate
circumstances of my fortune, compelled me to embrace the terms that were
offered, and I again returned to the domestic duties of a wife.
“I was conducted to my lord's house by an old friend of mine, a
gentleman turned of fifty, of admirable parts and understanding; he
was a pleasing companion, cheerful and humane, and had acquired a great
share of my esteem and respect. In a word, his advice had great weight
in my deliberations, because it seemed to be the result of experience
and disinterested friendship. Without all doubt, he had an unfeigned
concern for my welfare; but, being an admirable politician, his scheme
was to make my interest coincide with his own inclinations; for I had,
unwittingly, made an innovation upon his heart; and as he thought I
should hardly favour his passion while I was at liberty to converse with
the rest of my admirers, he counselled me to surrender that freedom,
well knowing that my lord would be easily persuaded to banish all his
rivals from the house; in which case, he did not doubt of his being able
to insinuate himself into my affections; because he laid it down as an
eternal truth, that, if any two persons of different sexes were obliged
to live together in a desert, where they would be excluded from all
other human intercourse, they would naturally and inevitably contract an
inclination for each other.
“How just this hypothesis might be, I leave to the determination of the
curious; though, if I may be allowed to judge from my own disposition,
a couple so situated would be apt to imbibe mutual disgusts from the
nature and necessity of their union, unless their association was at
first the effect of reciprocal affection and esteem. Be this as it will,
I honour the gentleman for his plan, which was ingeniously contrived,
and artfully conducted; but I happened to have too much address for him
in the sequel, cunning as he was, though at first I did not perceive his
drift; and his lordship was much less likely to comprehend his meaning.
“Immediately after this new accommodation, I was carried to a country
house belonging to my lord, and was simple enough to venture myself,
unattended by any servant on whose integrity I could depend, in the
hands of his lordship, and H--, whose villainy I always dreaded;
though, at this time, my apprehensions were considerably increased by
recollecting, that it was not his interest to let me live in the house,
lest his conduct should be inquired into; and by remembering that the
very house to which we were going had been twice burnt down in a very
short space of time, not without suspicion of his having been the
incendiary, on account of some box of writings which was lost in the
conflagration. True it is, this imputation was never made good; and,
perhaps, he was altogether innocent of the charge, which nevertheless
affected my spirits in such a manner, as rendered me the most miserable
of all mortals. In this terror did I remain, till my consternation was
awakened by the arrival of Mr. B--, a good-natured worthy man, whom my
lord had invited to his house, and I thought would not see me ill-used.
In a few weeks we were joined by Dr. S-- and his lady, who visited us
according to their promise; and it was resolved that we should set out
for Tunbridge, on a party of pleasure, and at our return examine H--'s
accounts.
“This last part of our scheme was not at all relished by our worthy
steward, who therefore determined to overturn our whole plan, and
succeeded accordingly. My lord, all of a sudden, declared himself
against the jaunt we had projected, and insisted upon my staying at
home, without assigning any reason for this peremptory behaviour; his
countenance being cloudy, and, for the space of three days, he did not
open his mouth. At last, he one night entered my bedchamber, to which
he now had free access, with his sword under his arm, and, if I remember
aright, it was ready drawn. I could not help taking notice of this
alarming circumstance, which shocked me the more, as it happened
immediately after a gloomy fit of discontent. However, I seemed to
overlook the incident, and, dismissing my maid, went to bed; because I
was ashamed to acknowledge, even to my own heart, any dread of a person
whom I despised so much. However, the strength of my constitution was
not equal to the fortitude of my mind. I was taken ill, and the servants
were obliged to be called up; while my lord himself, terrified at my
situation, ran upstairs to Mrs. S--, who was in bed, told her, with
evident perturbation of spirits, that I was very much indisposed, and
said, he believed I was frightened by his entering my chamber with his
sword in hand.
“This lady was so startled at his information, that she ran into my
apartment half naked, and as she went down-stairs, asked what reason
could induce him to have carried his sword with him. Upon which he gave
her to understand, that his intention was to kill the bats. I believe
and hope he had no other design than that of intimidating me; but when
the affair happened, I was of a different opinion. Mrs. S--, having put
on her clothes, sat up all night by my bedside, and was so good as to
assure me that she would not leave me until I should be safely delivered
from the apprehensions that surrounded me in this house, to which she
and the doctor had been the principal cause of my coming; for my lord
had haunted and importuned them incessantly on this subject, protesting
that he loved me with the most inviolable affection; and all he desired
was, that I would sit at his table, manage his family, and share his
fortune. By these professions, uttered with an air of honesty and
good-nature, he had imposed himself upon them for the best tempered
creature upon earth; and they used all their influence with me to take
him into favour. This has been the case with a great many people, who
had but a superficial knowledge of his disposition; but, in the course
of their acquaintance, they have never failed to discern and acknowledge
their mistake.
“The doctor, on his return from Tunbridge, to which place he had made a
trip by himself, found me ill abed, and the whole family in confusion.
Surprised and concerned at this disorder, he entered into expostulation
with my lord, who owned, that the cause of his displeasure and disquiet
was no other than jealousy. He had informed him, that I had been seen
to walk out with Mr. Bal-- in a morning; and that our correspondence had
been observed, with many additional circumstances, which were absolutely
false and groundless. This imputation was no sooner understood, than it
was resolved that the accuser should be examined in presence of us all.
He accordingly appeared, exceedingly drunk, though it was morning, and
repeated the articles of the charge, as an information he had received
from a man who came from town to hang the bells, and was long ago
returned to London.
“This was an instance of his cunning and address, which did not forsake
him even in his hours of intoxication. Had he fixed the calumny on any
one of the servants, he would have been confronted and detected in his
falsehood. Nevertheless, though he could not be legally convicted,
it plainly appeared that he was the author of this defamation, which
incensed Mr. Bal-- to such a degree, that he could scarce be withheld
from punishing him on the spot, by manual chastisement. However, he
was prevailed upon to abstain from such immediate vengeance, as a step
unworthy of his character; and the affair was brought to this issue,
that his lordship should either part with me or Mr. H--; for I was fully
determined against living under the same roof with such an incendiary.
“This alternative being proposed, my lord dismissed his steward, and we
returned to town with the doctor and Mrs. S--; for I had imbibed such
horror and aversion for this country seat, though one of the pleasantest
in England, that I could not bear to live in it. We therefore removed to
a house in Bond-street, where, according to the advice of my friends, I
exerted my whole power and complaisance in endeavours to keep my husband
in good-humour, but was so unsuccessful in my attempts, that, if ever he
was worse tempered, more capricious, or intolerable, at one time than at
another, this was the season in which his ill-humour predominated in the
most rancorous degree. I was scarce ever permitted to stir abroad, saw
nobody at home, but my old male friend, whom I have mentioned above; and
the doctor, with his lady, from whose conversation, also, I was at last
excluded.
“Nevertheless, I contrived to steal a meeting now and then with my late
benefactor, for whom I entertained a great share of affection, exclusive
of that gratitude that was due to his generosity. It was not his fault
that I compromised matters with my lord; for he was as free of his purse
as I was unwilling to use it. It would, therefore, have been unfriendly,
unkind, and ungrateful in me, now that I was in affluence, to avoid all
intercourse with a man who had supported me in adversity. I think people
cannot be too shy and scrupulous in receiving favours; but once they are
conferred, they ought never to forget the obligation. And I was never
more concerned at any incident of my life, than at hearing that this
gentleman did not receive a letter, in which I acknowledged the last
proof of his friendship and liberality which I had occasion to use,
because I have since learned that he suspected me of neglect.
“But to return to my situation in Bond-street. I bore it as well as I
could for the space of three months, during which I lived in the midst
of spies, who were employed to watch my conduct, and underwent every
mortification that malice, power, and folly could inflict. Nay, so
ridiculous, so unreasonable was my tyrant in his spleen, that he
declared he would even be jealous of Heydigger, if there was no other
man to incur his suspicion: he expected that I should spend my whole
time with him tete-a-tete; when I sacrificed my enjoyment to these
comfortable parties, he never failed to lay hold on some innocent
expression of mine, which he made the foundation of a quarrel; and, when
I strove to avoid these disagreeable misinterpretations by reading or
writing, he incessantly teased and tormented me with the imputation of
being peevish, sullen, and reserved.
“Harassed by this insufferable behaviour, I communicated my case to
Dr. S-- and his lady, intimating that I neither could nor would expose
myself any longer to such usage. The doctor exhorted me to bear my fate
with patience; and Mrs. S-- was silent on the subject; so that I still
hesitated between staying and going, when the doctor, being one night at
supper, happened to have some words with my lord, who was so violently
transported with passion, that I was actually afraid of going to
bed with him; and next morning, when he awakened, there was such an
expression of frantic wildness in his countenance, that I imagined he
was actually distracted.
“This alarming circumstance confirmed me in my resolution of decamping;
and I accordingly moved my quarters to a house in Sackville-street,
where I had lodged when I was a widow. From thence I sent a message
to the duke of L--, desiring he would make my lord acquainted with the
place of my abode, my reasons for removing, and my intention to defend
myself against all his attempts. The first night of this separation I
went to bed by myself with as much pleasure as a man would feel in going
to bed to his mistress whom he had long solicited in vain, so rejoiced
was I to be delivered from my obnoxious bedfellow!
“From these lodgings I soon moved to Brook-street, where I had not long
enjoyed the sweets of my escape, when I was importuned to return, by a
new steward whom my lord had engaged in the room of H--. This gentleman,
who bore a very fair character, made such judicious representations, and
behaved so candidly in the discharge of his function, that I agreed
he should act as umpire in the difference betwixt us, and once more
a reconciliation was effected, though his lordship began to be
dissatisfied even before the execution of our agreement; in consequence
of which he attended me to Bath, whither I went for the benefit of my
health, which was not a little impaired.
“This accommodation had a surprising effect upon my lover, who,
notwithstanding his repeated declarations, that no woman should ever
gain such an ascendancy over his heart as to be able to give him pain,
suffered all the agonies of disappointed love, when he now found himself
deprived of the opportunities of seeing me, and behaved very differently
from what he had imagined he should. His words and actions were
desperate: one of his expressions to me was, “It is like twisting my
heart-strings, and tearing it out of my body.” Indeed, I never should
have acted this part had I foreseen what he would have suffered; but
I protest I believed him, when he said otherwise, so much, that his
declaration on that subject was the occasion of my giving him up; and it
was now too late to retract.
“In our expedition to Bath, I was accompanied by a very agreeable young
lady, with whom I passed my time very happily, amid the diversions of
the place, which screened me, in a good measure, from the vexatious
society of my hopeful partner. From this place we repaired to his seat
in the country, where we spent a few months, and thence returned again
to our house in Bond-street. Here, while I was confined to my bed by
illness, it was supposed my indisposition was no other than a private
lying-in, though I was under the roof with my lord, and attended by his
servants.
“While the distemper continued, my lord, to do him justice, behaved with
all imaginable tenderness and care; and his concern on these occasions I
have already mentioned as a strange inconsistency in his disposition.
If his actions were at all accountable, I should think he took pains to
fret me into a fever first, in order to manifest his love and humanity
afterwards. When I recovered my strength and spirits, I went abroad,
saw company, and should have been easy, had he been contented; but as
my satisfaction increased, his good-humour decayed, and he banished from
his house, one by one, all the people whose conversation could have made
my life agreeable.
“I often expostulated with him on his malignant behaviour, protesting
my desire of living peaceably with him, and begging he would not lay
me under the necessity of changing my measures. He was deaf to all
my remonstrances, though I warned him more than once of the event,
persisted in his maxims of persecution; and, after repeated quarrels, I
again left his house fully determined to suffer all sorts of extremity,
rather than subject myself to the tyranny of his disposition.
“This year was productive of one fatal event, which I felt with
the utmost sensibility of sorrow, and I shall always remember with
regret:--I mean the death of Mr. B--, with whom I had constantly
maintained an intimate correspondence since the first commencement of
our acquaintance. He was one of the most valuable men, and promised
to be one of the brightest ornaments that this or any other age had
produced. I enjoyed his friendship without reserve; and such was the
confidence he reposed in my integrity, from long experience of my truth,
that he often said he would believe my bare assertion, even though it
should contradict the evidence of his own senses. These being the terms
upon which we lived, it is not to be supposed that I bore the loss of
him without repining. Indeed, my grief was unspeakable; and, though the
edge of it be now smoothed by the lenient hand of time, I shall never
cease to cherish his memory with the most tender remembrance.
“During the last period of my living with my lord, I had agreed to the
expediency of obtaining an act of parliament, which would enable him to
pay his debts; on which occasion there was a necessity of cancelling a
deed that subsisted between us, relating to a separate maintenance, to
which, on certain provisions, I was entitled; and this was to be set
aside, so far as it interfered with the above-mentioned scheme, while
the rest of it should remain in force. When this affair was about to
be transacted, my lord very generously insisted upon my concurrence in
annulling the whole settlement; and, when I refused to comply with this
demand, because this was the sole resource I had against his ill-usage,
he would not proceed in the execution of his plan, though, by dropping
it, he hurt nobody but himself; and he accused me of having receded from
my word, after I had drawn him into considerable expense.
“This imputation of breaking my word, which I defy the whole world to
prove I ever did, incensed me the more, as I myself had proposed the
scheme for his service, although I knew the accomplishment of it would
endanger the validity of my own settlement; and my indignation was still
more augmented by the behaviour of Mr. G--, who had always professed
a regard for my interest, and upon my last accommodation with my lord,
undertaken to effect a reconciliation between my father and me; but,
when he was questioned about the particulars of this difference, and
desired to declare whether his lordship or I was to blame, he declined
the office of arbitrator, refused to be explicit upon the subject, and
by certain shrewd hums and ha's, signified his disapprobation of my
conduct. Yet this very man, when I imparted to him, in confidence, my
intention of making another retreat, and frankly asked his opinion of
my design, seemed to acquiesce in the justice of it in these remarkable
words: 'Madam, if I thought or had hopes of my lord growing better, I
would down on my knees to desire you to stay; but, as I have not, I say
nothing.'
“If he connived at my conduct in this particular, why should he
disapprove of it when all I asked was but common justice? But he was
a dependant; and therefore I excuse his phlegmatic, not to call it
unfriendly, behaviour. Indeed, he could not be too cautious of giving
offence to his lordship, who sometimes made him feel the effects of that
wrath which other people had kindled; particularly in consequence of a
small adventure which happened about this very period of time.
“A very agreeable, sprightly, good-natured young man, a near relation of
my lord, happening to be at our house one evening, when there was a fire
in the neighbourhood, we agreed to go and sup at the tavern en famille;
and, having spent the evening with great mirth and good-humour, this
young gentleman, who was naturally facetious, in taking his leave,
saluted us all round. My lord, who had before entertained some jealousy
of his kinsman, was very much provoked by this trifling incident, but
very prudently suppressed his displeasure till he returned to his own
house, where his rage co-operating with the champagne he had drunk,
inflamed him to such a degree of resolution, that he sprang upon the
innocent G--, and collared him with great fury, though he was altogether
unconcerned in the cause of his indignation.
“This extravagant and frantic behaviour, added to other grievances under
which I laboured, hastened my resolution of leaving him; and he, to this
day, blames his relation as the immediate cause of my escape, whereas
he ought to place it to the account of his own madness and indiscretion.
When I retired to Park-street, he cautioned all my tradesmen, not even
excepting my baker, against giving me credit, assuring them that he
would not pay any debts I should contract; and the difficulties to which
I was reduced, in consequence of this charitable declaration, together
with the reflection of what I had suffered, and might undergo, from the
caprice and barbarity of his disposition, affected my health so much,
that I was again taken ill, and my life thought in danger.
“My constitution, however, got the better of my distemper, and I was
ordered into the country by my physicians, for the benefit of the air;
so that I found myself under the necessity of keeping two houses, when
I was little able to support one, and set up my chariot, because I could
not defray the expense of a hackney-coach; for I had as much credit
given me as I asked for, notwithstanding my lord's orders to the
contrary.
“Having recruited my spirits in the country, I returned to town, and
was visited by my friends, who never forsook me in adversity, and in the
summer removed to a house in Essex, where I lived a few months in great
tranquility, unmolested by my tyrant, who sometimes gave me a whole
year's respite. Here I used to ride and drive by turns, as my humour
dictated, with horses which were lent me; and I had the company of my
lover, and another gentleman, who was a very agreeable companion, and of
singular service to me in the sequel.
“At last, my lord having received intelligence of the place of my abode,
and his tormenting humour recurring, he set out for my habitation, and
in the morning appeared in his coach and six, attended by Mr. G--
and another person, whom he had engaged for the purpose, with several
domestics armed. I immediately shut up my doors at his approach, and
refused him admittance, which he endeavoured to obtain by a succession
of prayers and threats; but I was deaf to both, and resolved to hold out
to the last. Seeing me determined, he began his attack, and his servants
actually forced their way into the house; upon which I retreated
up-stairs, and fortified myself in my apartment, which the assailants
stormed with such fury, that the door began to give way, and I retired
into another room.
“Whilst I remained in this post, Mr. G-- demanded a parley, in which he
begged I would favour my lord with an interview, otherwise he knew not
what might be the consequence. To this remonstrance I replied, that I
was not disposed to comply with his request; and though their
design should be murder, I was not at all afraid of death. Upon this
declaration they renewed their attacks, which they carried on with
indifferent success till the afternoon, when my lord, as if he had been
at play, sent a formal message to me, desiring that all hostilities
should cease, till after both parties should have dined. At the same
time, my own servants came for instructions; and I ordered them to let
him have everything which he should call for, as far as the house would
afford.
“He did not fail to make use of this permission; but sitting down with
his companions, ate up my dinner without hesitation, after he had paid
me the compliment of desiring to know what he should send up to my
apartment. Far from having any stomach to partake of his meal, I sat
solitary upon my bed, in a state of melancholy expectation, having
fastened the door of the outward room for my security, while I kept my
chamber open for the convenience of air, the weather being excessively
hot. His lordship, having indulged his appetite, resumed his attempt,
and all of a sudden I heard a noise in the next room; upon which I
started up, and perceiving that he had got into my ante-chamber, by the
help of a bench that stood under the window, I flung to the door of my
room, which I locked with great expedition, and opening another that
communicated with the staircase, ran out of the house, through a crowd
of more than a hundred people, whom this fray had gathered together.
“Being universally beloved in the neighbourhood, and respected by my
lord's servants, I passed among them untouched, and took refuge in
a neighbouring cottage; while his lordship bawled and roared for
assistance, being afraid to come out as he had gone in. Without waiting
for his deliberations, I changed clothes with the poor woman who had
given me shelter, and in her blue apron and straw hat sallied out into
the fields, intending to seek protection in the house of a gentleman not
far off, though I was utterly ignorant of the road that led me to it.
However, it was my good fortune to meet with a farmer, who undertook to
conduct me to the place; otherwise I should have missed my way, and
in all probability lain in the fields; for by this time it was eight
o'clock at night.
“Under the direction of this guide, I traversed hedges and ditches; for
I would not venture to travel in the highway, lest I should fall into
the hands of my pursuer, and after I had actually tumbled into the mire,
and walked six or seven long miles by the help of a good spirit, which
never failed me on such occasions, I arrived at the place, and rung the
bell at the garden gate for admittance. Seeing my figure, which was very
uncouth, together with my draggled condition, they denied me entrance;
but, when they understood who I was, immediately opened the door, and I
was hospitably entertained, after having been the subject of mirth, on
account of my dress and adventure.
“Next day I returned and took possession of my house again, where I
resumed my former amusements, which I enjoyed in quiet for the space
of a whole month, waiting with resignation for the issue of my lawsuit;
when, one afternoon, I was apprised of his lordship's approach by one
of my spies, whom I always employed to reconnoitre the road; and so
fortunate was I in the choice of these scouts, that I never was betrayed
by one of them, though they were often bribed for that purpose. I
no sooner received this intelligence, than I ordered my horse to be
saddled, and, mounting, rode out of sight immediately, directing my
course a different way from the London road. I had not long proceeded
in this track, when my career was all of a sudden stopped by a five-bar
gate, which, after some hesitation, I resolved to leap (my horse being
an old hunter), if I should find myself pursued. However, with much
difficulty I made a shift to open it, and arrived in safety at the house
of my very good friend Mr. G--, who, being a justice of the peace, had
promised me his protection, if it should be wanted.
“Thus secured for the present, I sent out spies to bring information of
his lordship's proceedings, and understood that he had taken possession
of my house, turned my servants adrift, and made himself master of all
my movables, clothes, and papers. As for the papers, they were of no
consequence, but of clothes I had a good stock; and, when I had reason
to believe that he did not intend to relinquish his conquest, I thought
it was high time for me to remove to a greater distance from his
quarters. Accordingly, two days after my escape, I set out at eleven
o'clock at night, in a chariot and four, which I borrowed of my friend,
attended by a footman, who was a stout fellow, and well armed, I
myself being provided with a brace of good pistols, which I was fully
determined to use against any person who should presume to lay violent
hands upon me, except my lord, for whom a less mortal weapon would have
sufficed, such as a bodkin or a tinder-box. Nothing could be farther
from my intention than the desire of hurting any living creature, much
less my husband: my design was only to defend myself from cruelty and
oppression, which I knew, by fatal experience, would infallibly be my
lot, should he get me into his power. And I thought I had as good a
right to preserve my happiness, as that which every individual has
to preserve his life, especially against a set of ruffians, who were
engaged to rob me of it for a little dirty lucre.
“In the midst of our journey, the footman came up, and told me I was
dogged; upon which I looked out, and, seeing a man riding by the chariot
side, presented one of my pistols out of my window, and preserved that
posture of defence, until he thought proper to retreat, and rid me of
the fears that attended his company. I arrived in town, and, changing
my equipage, hired an open chaise, in which, though I was almost starved
with cold, I travelled to Reading, which I reached by ten next morning;
and from thence proceeded farther in the country, with a view of taking
refuge with Mrs. C--, who was my particular friend. Here I should
have found shelter, though my lord had been beforehand with me, and
endeavoured to prepossess her against my conduct, had not the house
been crowded with company, among whom I could not possibly have been
concealed, especially from her brother, who was an intimate friend of my
persecutor.
“Things being thus situated, I enjoyed but a very short interview with
her, in which her sorrow and perplexity on my account appeared with
great expression in her countenance; and, though it was not in her power
to afford me the relief I expected, she, in the most genteel manner,
sent after me a small sum of money, thinking that, considering the hurry
in which I left my house, I might have occasion for it on the road. I
was, by this time, benumbed with cold, fatigued with travelling, and
almost fretted to death by my disappointment. However, this was no time
to indulge despondence; since nobody could or would assist me, I stood
the more in need of my own resolution and presence of mind. After some
deliberation, I steered my course back to London; and, being unwilling
to return by the same road in which I came, as well as impatient to be
at the end of my journey, I chose the Bagshot way, and ventured to cross
the heath by moonlight.
“Here I was attacked by a footpad armed with a broad-sword, who came
up and demanded my money. My stock amounted to twelve guineas; and I
foresaw that should I be stripped of the whole sum, I could not travel
without discovering who I was, and consequently running the risk of
being detected by my pursuer. On these considerations, I gave the fellow
three guineas and some silver; with which he was so far from being
satisfied, that he threatened to search me for more: but I ordered the
coachman to proceed, and by good fortune escaped that ceremony, though
I was under some apprehension of being overtaken with a pistol bullet in
my flight, and therefore held down my head in the chaise, in imitation
of some great men, who are said to have ducked in the same manner in
the day of battle. My fears happened to be disappointed: I lay at an inn
upon the road, and next day arrived in town, in the utmost difficulty
and distress; for I knew not where to fix my habitation, and was
destitute of all means of support. In this dilemma, I applied to my
lawyer, who recommended me to the house of a tradesman in Westminster,
where I lodged and boarded upon credit, with my faithful Abigail (whom I
shall distinguish by the name of Mrs. S--), for the space of ten weeks,
during which I saw nobody, and never once stirred abroad.
“While I was thus harassed out of all enjoyment of life, and reduced
to the utmost indigence, by the cruelty of my persecutor, who had even
stripped me of my wearing apparel, I made a conquest of Lord D--,
a nobleman who is now dead, and therefore I shall say little of his
character, which is perfectly well known: this only will I observe,
that, next to my own tyrant, he was the person of whom I had the
greatest abhorrence. Nevertheless, when these two came in competition,
I preferred the offers of this new lover, which were very considerable;
and as an asylum was the chief thing I wanted, agreed to follow him
to his country seat, whither I actually sent my clothes, which I had
purchased upon credit.
“However, upon mature deliberation, I changed my mind, and signified my
resolution in a letter, desiring at the same time that my baggage might
be sent back. In consequence of this message, I expected a visit from
him, in all the rage of indignation and disappointment, and gave orders
that he should not be admitted into my house yet, notwithstanding this
precaution, he found means to procure entrance; and one of the first
objects that I saw, next morning, in my bedchamber, was my lover, armed
with a horsewhip, against which, from the knowledge of the man, I did
not think myself altogether secure; though I was not much alarmed,
because I believed myself superior to him in point of bravery, should
the worst come to the worst. But, contrary to my expectation, and his
usual behaviour to our sex, he accosted me very politely, and began to
expostulate on the contents of my letter. I freely told him, that I had
rashly assented to his proposal, for my own convenience only; that, when
I reflected on what I had done, I thought it ungenerous in me to live
with him upon these terms; and that, as I did not like him, and
could not dissemble, such a correspondence could never tend to the
satisfaction of either. He allowed the inference was just, though he
was very much chagrined at my previous proceeding. He relinquished his
claim, restored my clothes, and never afterwards upbraided me with my
conduct in this affair; though he at one time owned, that he still loved
me, and ever should, because I had used him ill; a declaration that
strongly marks the peculiarity of his character. As for my own part, I
own that my behaviour on this occasion is no other way excusable, than
on account of the miserable perplexity of my circumstances, which were
often so calamitous, that I wonder I have not been compelled to take
such steps as would have rendered my conduct much more exceptionable
than it really is.
“At last all my hopes were blasted by the issue of my suit, which was
determined in favour of my lord. Even then I refused to yield: on the
contrary, coming out of retirement, I took lodgings in Suffolk-street,
and set my tyrant at defiance. But, being unwilling to trust my doors
to the care of other people, I hired a house in Conduit-street; and no
sooner appeared in the world again, than I was surrounded by divers and
sundry sorts of admirers. I believe I received the incense and addresses
of all kinds under the sun, except that sort which was most to my
liking, a man capable of contracting and inspiring a mutual attachment;
but such a one is equally rare and inestimable; not but that I own
myself greatly obliged to all those who cultivated my good graces,
though they were very little beholden to me; for where I did not really
love, I could never profess that passion; that sort of dissimulation is
a slavery that no honest nature will undergo. Except one worthy young
man whom I sometimes saw, they were a strange medley of insignificant
beings: one was insipid, another ridiculously affected, a third void of
all education, a fourth altogether inconsistent; and, in short, I found
as many trifling characters among the men, as ever I observed in my own
sex. Some of them I endeavoured to bring over to my maxims, while they
attempted to make a proselyte of me; but, finding the task impracticable
on both sides, we very wisely dropped each other.
“At length, however, I was blessed with the acquaintance of one
nobleman, who is, perhaps, the first character in England, in point
of honour, integrity, wit, sense, and benevolence; when I have thus
distinguished him, I need scarce mention Lord --. This great, this good
man, possesses every accomplishment requisite to inspire admiration,
love, and esteem. With infinitely more merit than almost ever fell to
one man's share, he manifests such diffidence of his own qualifications,
as cannot fail to prepossess every company in his favour. He seems to
observe nothing, yet sees everything; his manner of telling a story,
and making trifles elegant, is peculiar to himself; and, though he has
a thousand oddities, they serve only to make him more agreeable. After
what I have said, it may be supposed that I was enamoured of his person;
but this was not the case; love is altogether capricious and fanciful;
yet I admire, honour, and esteem him to the highest degree, and when I
observe that his character resembled that of my dear departed friend Mr.
B--; or rather, that Mr. B--, had he lived, would have resembled Lord
--, I pay the highest compliment I can conceive both to the living and
to the dead.
“In this nobleman's friendship and conversation I thought myself happy;
though I was, as usual, exposed to the indefatigable efforts of my lord,
who, one day, while I was favoured with the company of this generous
friend, appeared at my door in his coach, attended by another gentleman,
who demanded entrance with an air of authority. A very honest
footman, who had been long in my service, ran upstairs in the utmost
consternation, and gave me an account of what had happened below. Upon
which I told him he had nothing to answer for, and ordered him to keep
the door fast shut against all opposition; though I was so much affected
with this unexpected assault, that Lord -- said he was never more
surprised and shocked in his life, than at the horror which appeared in
my countenance, when I saw the coach stop at my door.
“My little hero being refused admittance, went away, threatening to
return speedily with a reinforcement; and during this interval, I
provided myself with a soldier, whom I placed sentinel at the door,
within side, to guard me from the danger of such assaults for the
future. My lord, true to his promise, marched back with his auxiliaries,
reinforced with a constable, and repeated his demand of being admitted;
and my soldier opening the sash, in order to answer him, according to my
directions, he no sooner perceived the red coat, than he was seized with
such a panic, that he instantly fled with great precipitation; and, when
he recounted the adventure, like Falstaff in the play, multiplied my
guard into a whole file of musqueteers. He also made a shift to discover
the gentleman who had been so kind as to lend me one of his company, and
complained of him to the duke of N--, in hopes of seeing him broke for
his misdemeanour; but in that expectation he was luckily disappointed.
“Perceiving that in England I should never enjoy peace, but be
continually subject to those alarms and disquiets which had already
impaired my health and spirits, I resolved to repair again to France,
my best refuge and sure retreat from the persecution of my tyrant. Yet,
before I took this step, I endeavoured, by the advice of my friends, to
conceal myself near Windsor; but was in a little time discovered by my
lord, and hunted out of my lurking-place accordingly. I then removed
to Chelsea, where I suffered inconceivable uneasiness and agitation
of mind, from the nature of my situation, my tranquility being thus
incessantly invaded by a man who could not be satisfied with me, and yet
could not live without me. So that, though I was very much indisposed,
I set out for France, by way of the Hague, as the war had shut up all
other communication, having no other attendant but my woman S--, who,
though she dreaded the sea, and was upon the brink of matrimony, would
not quit me in such a calamitous condition, until I was joined by my
footman and another maid, whom I ordered to follow me with the baggage.
But, before my departure, I sent a message to Lord --, demanding my
clothes, which he had seized in Essex; and, he refusing to deliver them,
I was obliged to equip myself anew, upon credit.
“I was supplied with money for my journey by my good friend L--; and,
after a short and pleasant passage, arrived at the Hague, where I
stayed two months, and parted with S--, on whom I settled an annuity
of five-and-twenty pounds, payable out of the provision which I had or
might obtain from my husband. The same allowance had I prevailed upon
Lord B-- to grant to another maid, who attended me while I lived in his
house.
“I did not much relish the people in Holland, because they seemed
entirely devoted to self-interest, without any taste for pleasure or
politeness; a species of disposition that could not be very agreeable
to me, who always despised money, had an unbounded benevolence of
heart, and loved pleasure beyond every other consideration. When I
say pleasure, I would not be understood to mean sensuality, which
constitutes the supreme happiness of those only who are void of
sentiment and imagination. Nevertheless, I received some civilities in
this place, and, among the rest, the reputation of having for my lover
the king of P--'s minister, who was young and airy, and visited me
often; circumstances that were sufficient to lay me under the imputation
of an amour, which I frequently incurred without having given the least
cause of suspicion.
“Having taken leave of my Dutch friends, I departed from the Hague, in
company with an English woman, whom I had chosen for that purpose, and
arrived at Antwerp with much difficulty and danger, the highway being
infested with robbers. After having reposed myself a few days in this
city, I hired a coach for myself, and set out with my companion for
Brussels; but, before we reached Mechlin, our vehicle was attacked by
two hussars, who, with their sabres drawn, obliged the coachman to
drive into a wood near the road. I at first imagined that they wanted to
examine our passports, but was soon too well convinced of their design;
and, though very much shocked at the discovery, found resolution enough
to suppress my concern, so that it should not aggravate the terrors
of the young woman, who had almost died with apprehension. I even
encouraged her to hope for the best; and, addressing myself to the
robbers in French, begged, in the most suppliant manner, that they
would spare our lives; upon which one of them, who was a little fellow,
assured me, in the same language, that we had nothing to fear for our
persons.
“When we were conveyed in a state of dreadful suspense about
three-quarters of a mile into the wood, the ruffians came into the
coach, and, taking my keys, which I kept ready in my hand for them,
opened three large trunks that contained my baggage, and emptying them
of everything but my hoops and a few books, packed up their booty in a
cloth; then robbed me of my money and jewels, even to my shoe-buckles
and sleeve-buttons, took my footman's laced hat, and gave it, by way
of gratification, to a peasant, who came from behind the bushes, and
assisted them in packing.
“This affair being despatched, they ordered us to return to the road by
a different way from that in which we were carried into the wood; and
mounting their horses, rode off with the plunder, though not before
the little fellow, who was the least ferocious of the two, had come and
shaken me by the hand, wishing us a good journey; a compliment which I
heartily returned, being extremely well pleased with the retreat of two
such companions, who had detained us a whole half-hour; during which,
notwithstanding the assurance I had received, I was in continual
apprehension of seeing their operation concluded with the murder of
us all; for I supposed they were of that gang who had some time before
murdered a French officer, and used a lady extremely ill, after having
rifled her of all she had.
“Having thus undergone pillage, and being reduced to the extremity
of indigence in a foreign land, it is not to be supposed that my
reflections were very comfortable; and yet, though I sustained the whole
damage, I was the only person in the company who bore the accident with
any resolution and presence of mind. My coachman and valet seemed quite
petrified with fear; and it was not till I had repeated my directions
that the former drove farther into the wood, and took the first turning
to the right, in order to regain the road, according to the command of
the robbers, which I did not choose to disobey.
“This misfortune I suffered by the misinformation I received at Antwerp,
where I would have provided myself with an escort, had not I been
assured that there was not the least occasion to put myself to such
extraordinary expense. And, indeed, the robbers took the only half-hour
in which they could have had an opportunity of plundering us; for we no
sooner returned into the highway, than we met with the French artillery
coming from Brussels, which was a security to us during the rest of our
journey. We were afterwards informed at a small village, that there was
actually a large gang of deserters, who harboured in that wood, from
which they made excursions in the neighbourhood, and kept the peasants
in continual alarms.
“Having proceeded a little way, we were stopped by the artillery
crossing a bridge; and, as the train was very long, must have been
detained till night, had not a soldier informed me, that, if I would
take the trouble to come out of my coach, and apply to the commandant,
he would order them to halt, and allow me to pass. I took the man's
advice, and was by him conducted, with much difficulty, through the
crowd, to some officers, who seemed scarce to deserve the name; for,
when I signified my request, they neither rose up, nor desired me to sit
down; but, lolling in their chairs, with one leg stretched out, asked,
with an air of disrespectful raillery where I was going; and when I
answered, “To Paris,” desired to know what I would do there.
“I, who am naturally civil where I am civilly used, and saucy enough
where I think myself treated with disregard, was very much piqued at
their insolent and unmannerly behaviour, and began to reply to the
impertinent questions very abruptly; so that a very tart dialogue would
have ensued, had not the conversation been interrupted by a tall, thin,
genteel young French nobleman, an officer in the army, who, chancing
to come in, asked with great politeness, what I would please to have. I
then repeated my desire, and produced my passports, by which he learned
who I was. He immediately gave orders that my coach should pass; and
afterwards visited me at Paris, having obtained my permission, and
taken my address at parting; while the others, understanding my name and
quality, asked pardon for their impolite carriage, which they told
me was owing to the representation of the soldier, who gave them to
understand that I was a strolling actress.
“I could not help laughing heartily at this mistake, which might have
proceeded from the circumstances of my appearance, my footman having
been obliged to change hats with the peasant, and myself being without
buckles on my shoes and buttons on my riding-skirt, while my countenance
still retained marks of the fear and confusion I had undergone. After
all, perhaps the fellow was a droll, and wanted to entertain himself at
my expense. The day was so far consumed in these adventures, that I was
obliged to take up my lodgings at Mechlin, where I addressed myself to
the intendant, giving him an account of the disaster I had met with, and
desiring I might have credit at the inn, as our whole company could not
raise the value of a sixpence. This gentleman, though a provincial, was
polite in his way, and not only granted my request, but invited me to
lodge at his own house. I accordingly gave him my company at supper, but
did not choose to sleep at his quarters, because he appeared to be what
the French call un vieux debauche.
“Next day, he sent a trumpet to the general, with a detail of my
misfortune, in hopes of retrieving what I had lost; but, notwithstanding
all possible search, I was fain to put up with my damage, which, in
linen, laces, clothes, and baubles, amounted to upwards of seven hundred
pounds, a loss which never deprived me of one moment's rest; for, though
I lodged at a miserable inn, and lay in a paltry bed, I slept as sound
as if nothing extraordinary had happened, after I had written to London
and Paris, directing that the payment of my bills of credit might
be stopped. Indeed, I know of but two misfortunes in life capable of
depressing my spirits, namely, the loss of health and friends; all
others may be prevented or endured. The articles of that calamity which
I chiefly regretted, were a picture of Lord W--, and some inimitable
letters from Mr. B--.
“From Mechlin I proceeded to Brussels, where, being known, I got credit
for some necessaries, and borrowed twenty guineas to defray the expense
of my journey to Paris. Having consulted with my friends about the
safest method of travelling through Flanders, I was persuaded to take
places in the public voiture; and accordingly departed, not without
fears of finding one part of the country as much infested with robbers
as another. Nor were these apprehensions assuaged by the conversation
of my fellow-travellers, who, being of the lower sort of people, that
delight in exaggerating dangers, entertained me all the way with an
account of all the robberies and murders which had been committed on
that road, with many additional circumstances of their own invention.
After having been two days exposed to this comfortable conversation,
among very disagreeable company, which is certainly one of the most
disagreeable situations in life, I arrived at Lisle, where, thinking the
dangerous part of the journey was now past, I hired a post-chaise, and
in two days more reached Paris without any further molestation.
“Upon my arrival in the capital, I was immediately visited by my old
acquaintances, who, hearing my disaster, offered me their clothes, and
insisted upon my wearing them, until I could be otherwise provided. They
likewise engaged me in parties, with a view of amusing my imagination,
that I might not grow melancholy in reflecting upon my loss; and desired
me to repeat the particulars of my story forty times over, expressing
great surprise at our not being murdered, or ravished at least. As for
this last species of outrage, the fear of it never once entered my head,
otherwise I should have been more shocked and alarmed than I really
was. But it seems this was the chief circumstance of my companion's
apprehension; and I cannot help observing, that a homely woman is always
more apt to entertain those fears, than one whose person exposes her to
much more imminent danger. However, I now learned, that the risk I
ran was much greater than I imagined it to be, those ruffians being
familiarized to rape as well as murder.
“Soon after my appearance at Paris, I was favoured with the addresses
of several French lovers; but I never had any taste for foreigners, or
indeed for any amusement of that kind, except such as were likely to be
lasting, and settled upon a more agreeable footing than that of common
gallantry. When I deviated from this principle, my conduct was the
effect of compulsion, and therefore I was never easy under it, having
been reduced to the alternative of two evils, the least of which I was
obliged to choose, as a man leaps into the sea, in order to escape from
a ship that is on fire.
“Though I rejected their love, I did not refuse their company and
conversation; and, though my health was considerably impaired by the
shock I received in my last adventure, which was considerably greater
than I at first imagined, and affected my companion so much, that she
did not recover her spirits till she returned to England, I say,
though I was for some time a valetudinarian, I enjoyed myself in great
tranquility for the space of ten months, during which I was visited
by English, Scotch, and French, of all parties and persuasions; for
pleasure is of no faction, and that was the chief object of my pursuit;
neither was I so ambitious of being a politician, as to employ my time
and thoughts upon subjects which I did not understand. I had admirers of
all sides, and should have spent my time very much to my liking, had not
I felt my funds sensibly diminish, without any prospect of their being
repaired; for I had been obliged to lay out a great part of the sum
allotted for my subsistence, in supplying my companion, my servant, and
myself with necessaries, in lieu of those which we had lost.
“Having before my eyes the uncomfortable prospect of wanting money in
a strange place, I found myself under the necessity of returning to
England, where I had more resources than I could possibly have among
foreigners; and with that view wrote to Lord --'s agents, desiring that
I might be enabled to discharge my obligations at Paris, by the payment
of my pin-money. Thus a negotiation commenced, and his lordship promised
to remit money for the clearance of my Paris debts, which amounted to
four hundred pounds: but he would not advance one farthing more, though
I gave him to understand, that, while he protracted the agreement, I
must inevitably be adding to my encumbrances, and that I should be
as effectually detained by a debt of twenty pounds, as if I owed a
thousand. Notwithstanding all my representations, he would not part with
one shilling over the net sum which I at first stipulated; so that
all my measures were rendered abortive, and I found it altogether
impracticable to execute those resolutions I had formed in his favour.
“Thus did he for a mere trifle embarrass the woman for whom he professed
the most unlimited love, and whose principles he pretended to hold in
the utmost veneration. Indeed, his confidence in my integrity was not
without foundation; for many wives, with one half of my provocation,
would have ruined him to all intents and purposes; whereas,
notwithstanding all the extraordinary expenses to which I had been
exposed by his continual persecution, he never paid a shilling on my
account except one thousand pounds, exclusive of the small allowance
which was my due. In a word, so much time elapsed before my lord could
prevail upon himself to advance the bare four hundred, that I was
involved in fresh difficulties, from which I found it impossible to
extricate myself; and though I had occasion to write a letter to my
benefactor Lord --, in which I expressed my acknowledgment of past
favours, I could not venture to solicit more, even when I was encouraged
by a very obliging answer, wherein he declared, that the good qualities
of my mind and heart would bind him to me in friendship for ever.
“While I ruminated on my uncomfortable situation, which would neither
permit me to return to England, nor to stay much longer where I was, a
young Englishman of immense fortune took Paris in his way from Italy,
accompanied by a most agreeable Scotchman of very good sense and great
vivacity. It was my good or ill fortune to become acquainted with these
gentlemen, who, having seen me at the opera, expressed a desire of being
known to me, and accordingly favoured me with a visit one afternoon,
when the brisk North Briton engrossed the whole conversation, while
the other seemed fearful and diffident even to a degree of bashfulness,
through which, however, I could discern a delicate sensibility and
uncommon understanding. There was in his person, which was very
agreeable, as well as in his behaviour, a certain naivete that was very
pleasing; and, at this first interview, we relished each other's company
so well, that a sort of intimacy immediately commenced, and was carried
on in a succession of parties of pleasure, in the course of which I
found him fraught with all the tenderness and sentiment that render
the heart susceptible of the most refined love; a disposition that
immediately made me partial to him, while it subjected his own heart to
all the violent impressions of a passion, which I little imagined our
correspondence would have produced.
“Nevertheless, I was far from being displeased with my conquest, because
his person and qualifications, as well as his manner of address, were
very much to my liking, and recommended him in a particular manner to
my affection. Indeed, he made greater progress in my heart than I myself
suspected; for there was something congenial in our souls, which, from
our first meeting, I believe, had attracted us, unknown to ourselves,
under the notions of friendship and regard, and now disclosed itself in
the most passionate love.
“I listened to his addresses, and we were truly happy. His attachment
was the quintessence of tenderness and sincerity, while his generosity
knew no bounds. Not contented with having paid twelve hundred pounds on
my account, in the space of one fortnight, he would have loaded me
with present after present, had I not absolutely refused to accept
such expensive marks of his munificence. I was even mortified at those
instances of his liberality, which my situation compelled me to receive,
lest, being but little acquainted with my disposition, he should suspect
me of being interested in my love, and judge my conduct by the malicious
reports of common fame, which, he afterwards owned, had at first
obtained such credit with him, that he believed our mutual attachment
would not be of long duration. But, in this particular, he was soon
undeceived. His heart, though naturally adapted for the melting passion,
had hitherto escaped untouched by all the ladies of Italy and France;
and, therefore, the first impressions were the more deeply fixed. As he
was unpractised in the ways of common gallantry and deceit, the striking
simplicity in his character was the more likely to engage the heart of
one who knew the perfidy of the world, and despised all the farce and
bombast of fashionable profession, which I had always considered as the
phrase of vanity and ostentation, rather than the genuine language
of love. Besides, gratitude had a considerable share in augmenting my
affection, which manifested itself in such a warm, cordial, artless
manner, as increased his esteem, and riveted his attachment; for he
could easily perceive, from the whole tenor of my conduct, that my
breast was an utter stranger to craft and dissimulation; yet I was at
first fearful of contracting any engagement with him, because, being
younger than me, he might be more apt to change, and the world might be
malicious enough to suppose I had practised upon his inexperience; but,
conscious of my own integrity, I set slander at defiance, trusting to my
own behaviour, and his natural probity, for the continuance of his love.
Though we did not live together in the same house, the greatest part of
our time was spent in each other's company; we dined and supped at the
same table, frequented public places, went upon parties to the country,
and never parted, but for a few hours in the night, which we passed in
the utmost impatience to meet again.
“In this agreeable manner did the days roll on, when my felicity was
interrupted by a fit of jealousy with which I happened to be seized. I
had contracted an acquaintance with a young married lady, who, though
her personal attractions were but slender, was upon the whole an
agreeable, cheerful, good-natured companion, with a little dash of
the coquette in her composition. This woman being in very indigent
circumstances, occasioned by some losses her husband had sustained, no
sooner had an opportunity of seeing and conversing with my lover,
than she formed the design of making a conquest of him. I should have
forgiven her for this scheme, whatever pangs it might have cost me, had
I believed it the effect of real passion; but I knew her too well to
suppose her heart was susceptible of love, and accordingly resented it.
In the execution of her plan, she neglected nothing which she thought
capable of engaging his attention. She took all opportunities of sitting
near him at table, ogled him in the most palpable manner, directed her
whole discourse to him, trod upon his toes; nay, I believe, squeezed his
hand. My blood boiled at her, though my pride, for some time, enabled
me to conceal my uneasiness; till at length her behaviour became so
arrogant and gross, that I could no longer suppress my indignation,
and one day told my lover that I would immediately renounce his
correspondence.
“He was greatly alarmed at this unexpected declaration; and, when he
understood the cause of it, assured me, that, for the future, he would
never exchange one word with her. Satisfied with this mark of his
sincerity and regard, I released him from his promise, which he
could not possibly keep, while she and I lived upon any terms; and we
continued to visit each other as usual, though she still persisted in
her endeavours to rival me in his affection, and contracted an intimacy
with his companion, who seemed to entertain a passion for her, that she
might have the more frequent opportunities of being among us; for she
had no objection against favouring the addresses of both. One evening,
I remember, we set out in my coach for the opera; and, in the way,
this inamorata was so busy with her feet, that I was incensed at her
behaviour; and, when we arrived at the place, refused to alight; but,
setting them down, declared my intention of returning home immediately.
She was so much pleased with this intimation, that she could not conceal
the joy she felt at the thoughts of conversing with him, uninterrupted
by my presence; an opportunity with which I had never favoured her
before. This open exultation increased my anger and anxiety. I went
home; but, being still tortured with the reflection of having left them
together, adjusted myself in the glass, though I was too angry to take
notice of my own figure, and without further delay returned to the
opera.
“Having inquired for the box in which they sat, I took possession of one
that fronted them, and, reconnoitring them, without being perceived, had
the satisfaction of seeing him removed to as great a distance from her
as the place would permit, and his head turned another way. Composed by
this examination, I joined them without further scruple, when my young
gentleman expressed great joy at my appearance, and told me he was
determined to have left the entertainment, and come in quest of me, had
I not returned at that instant.
“In our way homewards, my rival repeated her usual hints, and with her
large hoop almost overshadowed my lover from my view; upon which my
jealousy and wrath recurred with such violence, that I pulled the string
as a signal for the coachman to stop, with a view of getting out, and
going home afoot; a step which would have afforded a new spectacle to
the people of Paris. But I reflected in a moment upon the folly of such
a resolution, and soon recollected myself, by calling my pride to my
assistance. I determined, however, that she should act no more scenes of
this kind in my presence, and that same night insisted upon my lover's
dropping all intercourse and connection with this tormentor. He very
cheerfully complied with my desire, and was even glad of an occasion to
break off his acquaintance with a person about whom I had plagued him so
much.
“Thus was I freed from the persecution of one of those creatures,
who, though of little consequence in themselves, are yet the pests of
society, and find means to destroy that harmony which reigns between two
lovers, by the intrusion of a loose appetite, void of all sensibility
and discretion; having no feelings themselves, they cannot sympathize
with those of other people; and do mischief out of mere wantonness.
“My lover being obliged to go to England, had settled me in a genteel
house in Paris, with a view of returning when his affairs should be
adjusted; but, when the time of his departure approached, he began to
be uneasy at the prospect of separation, and, in order to alleviate his
anxiety, desired me to accompany him to Calais, where we stayed together
three or four days, during which the dread of parting became more and
more intense; so that we determined upon my following him into England
at the first opportunity, where I should live altogether incog. that
I might be concealed from the inquiries and attempts of my lord. Even
after this resolution was fixed, we parted with all the agonies of
lovers who despair of ever meeting again; and the wind blowing very high
after he had embarked, increased my fears. But, by the return of the
packet-boat I was blessed with the report of his being safe arrived in
England, and had the satisfaction of perusing his letters by every post.
“My admirer being thus detached from me, my thoughts were entirely
employed in concerting some private method of conveying myself to him.
As I would not trust myself in the common packet, for fear of being
discovered, after having revolved divers schemes, I determined to
transport myself in one of the Dutch fishing-boats, though I knew the
passage would be hazardous; but, in a case of such interesting concern,
I overlooked all danger and inconvenience. Before I put this resolution
in practice, I was so fortunate as to hear of a small English vessel,
that arrived in Calais with a prisoner of war, in which I embarked,
with my companion and another lady, who lived with me for some time
afterwards; and, when we came on board, discovered that the ship was no
other than a light collier, and that her whole company amounted to no
more than three men. Nevertheless, though the sea was so rough, and the
weather so unpromising, that no other boat would venture to put to sea,
we set sail, and, between two storms, in about three hours arrived in
safety in Dover.
“From hence my first companion went to her friends in the stage-coach,
while the other lady and I hired an open post-chaise, though it snowed
very hard, and, without any accident, performed our journey to London,
where I met with my lover, who flew to my arms in all the transports
of impatient joy; and, doubtless, I deserved his affection for the
hardships, perils, and difficulties I had undergone to be with him;
for I never scrupled to undertake anything practicable, in order to
demonstrate the sincerity of what I professed. In consequence of our
plan, I assumed a fictitious name, and never appeared in public, being
fully satisfied and happy in the company and conversation of the man
I loved; and, when he went into the country, contented myself with his
correspondence, which he punctually maintained, in a series of letters,
equally sensible, sincere, and affectionate.
“Upon his return to town for the remainder of the season, he devoted
the greatest part of his time to our mutual enjoyment; left me with
reluctance, when he was called away by indispensable business, and the
civility which was due to his acquaintance, and very seldom went to any
place of public entertainment, because I could not accompany and share
with him in the diversion; nay, so much did I engross his attention,
that one evening, after he had been teased into an agreement of meeting
some friends at a play, he went thither precisely at the appointed hour,
and, as they did not arrive punctually at the very minute, he returned
to me immediately, as much rejoiced at his escape as if he had met with
some signal deliverance. Nor was his constancy inferior to the ardour
of his love. We went once together to a ball in the Haymarket, where,
in the midst of a thousand fine women, whose charms were enhanced by the
peculiarity of the dresses they wore, he remained unshaken, unseduced,
preserving his attachment for me in spite of all temptation.
“In the summer, he provided me with a house in the neighbourhood of his
own; but the accommodations being bad, and that country affording no
other place fit for my residence, he brought me home to his own seat,
and, by that step, raised such a universal clamour; though I saw no
company, and led such a solitary life, that nothing but excessive love
could have supported my spirits. Not but that he gave me as much of his
time as he could possibly spare from the necessary duties of paying and
receiving visits, together with the avocations of hunting, and other
country amusements, which I could not partake. Formerly, indeed, I used
to hunt and shoot, but I had left off both, so that I was now reduced to
the alternative of reading and walking by myself; but love made up for
all deficiencies to me, who think nothing else worth the living for. Had
I been blessed with a partner for life, who could have loved sincerely,
and inspired me with a mutual flame, I would have asked no more of fate.
Interest and ambition have no share in my composition; love, which is
pleasure, or pleasure, which is love, makes up the whole. A heart so
disposed cannot be devoid of other good qualities; it must be subject
to the impressions of humanity and benevolence, and enemy to nothing but
itself. This you will give me leave to affirm, in justice to myself, as
I have frankly owned my failings and misconduct.
“Towards the end of summer, my heart was a little alarmed by a report
that prevailed, of my lover's being actually engaged in a treaty of
marriage; however, I gave little credit to this rumour till I was
obliged to go to town about business, and there I heard the same
information confidently affirmed. Though I still considered it as a
vague surmise, I wrote to him an account of what I had heard; and,
in his answer, which is still in my possession, he assured me, with
repeated vows and protestations, that the report was altogether false.
Satisfied with this declaration, I returned to his house; and, though
the tale was incessantly thundered in my ears, still believed it void of
all foundation, till my suspicion was awakened by a very inconsiderable
circumstance.
“One day, on his return from hunting, I perceived he had a very fine
pair of Dresden ruffles on his shirt, which I could not suppose he would
wear at such a rustic exercise; and, therefore, my fears took the alarm.
When I questioned him about this particular of his dress, his colour
changed; and though he attempted to elude my suspicion, by imputing
it to a mistake of his servant, I could not rest satisfied with this
account of the matter, but inquired into the truth with such eagerness
and penetration, that he could not deny he had been to make a visit.
By degrees, I even extorted from him a confession, that he had engaged
himself further than he ought to have proceeded, without making me
acquainted with his design, though he endeavoured to excuse his conduct,
and pacify my displeasure, by saying, that the affair would not be
brought to bear for a great while, and, perhaps, might never come to a
determination but he was in great confusion, and, indeed, hardly knew
what he said.
“I would have quitted his house that moment, had not he beforehand
obtained a promise that I would take no rash resolution of that kind,
and put it out of my power to procure any method of conveyance by
which I could make my retreat. I gave no vent to reproaches, but only
upbraided him with his having permitted me to return, in ignorance, to
the country, after I was once fairly gone; upon which he swore that he
could not bear the thoughts of parting with me. This declaration was a
mystery at that time, but I have been since so fully satisfied of his
reasons for his conduct, that I heartily acquit him of all injustice
to me. And, indeed, it is my sincere opinion, that, if ever young man
deserved to be happy, he is certainly entitled to that privilege;
and, if I may be allowed to judge, has a heart susceptible of the most
refined enjoyment.
“The violence of the grief and consternation which I suffered from this
stroke having a little subsided, I deliberated with myself about the
measures I should take, and determined to leave his house some day when
he should be abroad. I was encouraged in this resolution by the advice
of our Scotch friend, who came about this time from London, on a visit
to his fellow-traveller. We thought such an abrupt departure would be
less shocking than to stay and take a formal leave of my lover, whose
heart was of such a delicate frame, that, after I told him I should one
day withdraw myself in his absence, he never came home from the chase,
or any other avocation, without trembling with apprehension that I had
escaped.
“After he had been some time accustomed to these fears by my previous
intimation, I at length decamped in good earnest, though my heart
ached upon the occasion, because I left him loving and beloved; for
his affection was evident, notwithstanding the step he had taken by the
advice and importunity of all his relations, who laid a disagreeable
restraint upon his inclinations, while they consulted his interest in
every other particular.
“While I halted in the next great town, until I could be supplied
with fresh horses, I was visited by a gentleman who had been formerly
intimate with my lover; but a breach had happened in their friendship,
and he now came to complain of the treatment he had received. Perceiving
that I was not in a humour to listen to his story, he shifted the
conversation to my own, and observed, that I had been extremely
ill-used. I told him that I was of a different opinion; that it was not
only just, but expedient, that a young man of Mr. --'s fortune should
think of making some alliance to strengthen and support the interest of
his family; and that I had nothing to accuse him of but his letting
me remain so long in ignorance of his intention. He then gave me to
understand, that I was still ignorant of a great part of the ill-usage I
had received; affirming, that, while I lived in his house, he had amused
himself with all the common women in that town, to some of whom this
gentleman had personally introduced him.
“At first, I could not believe this imputation; but he supported his
assertion with so many convincing circumstances, that I could no longer
doubt the truth of them; and I felt so much resentment, that my love
vanished immediately into air. Instead of proceeding on my journey to
London, I went back a considerable way, and sent a message desiring to
see him in a little house, about midway between his own habitation and
the town from whence I came. He obeyed my summons, and appeared at
the place appointed, where I reproached him with great bitterness.
He pleaded guilty to the charge, so far as acknowledging that he had
corresponded with other women lately, in order to get the better of his
affection for me, but the experiment had failed, and he found that he
should be for ever miserable.
“I did not look upon this candid confession as a sufficient atonement
for his past dissimulation, and, in the sharpness of my revenge,
demanded a settlement, which he peremptorily refused; so that for the
present we held each other in the utmost contempt. Indeed, I afterwards
despised myself for my condescension, which was owing to the advice
of my companion, supported and inflamed by the spirit of resentment.
Nevertheless, he begged that I would return to his house, or stay all
night where I was; but I was deaf to his entreaties, and, after a great
deal of ironical civility on my side, I took my leave, and went away;
yet, before I set out, I looked back, and saw him on horseback, with
such an air of simplicity and truth, as called up a profound sigh,
notwithstanding all that had passed in our conversation.
“Upon my arrival in London, I took lodgings in Leicester-fields, and
answered a letter which I had some months before received from my lord,
telling him that I would go home to him, without stipulating for any
terms, to try what effect my confidence would have upon his generosity.
He readily embraced the offer, and took a house in St. James's-street,
where I proposed to comply with his humour in everything that was
consistent with my own peace and tranquility.
“Meanwhile, my lover passed his time very disagreeably in the country,
with his friend, of whom, it seems, he had conceived some jealousy,
which was increased by a letter I wrote to that gentleman, till he was
made acquainted with the contents, which he read over forty times; and
then his passion breaking out with more violence than ever, he not only
expressed his feeling, in an epistle which I immediately received, but
when he came to town suffered such agonies of despair as I had never
seen before, except in Lord B--. It was then in my power to have taken
ample revenge upon him, as well as upon my insolent rival, who had
insisted upon my leaving his house in a very abrupt manner, though he
absolutely refused to gratify her malice, for he was now disposed to
do anything for my satisfaction. But I knew his worth, and had too much
regard for his reputation to advise him to act inconsistent with his
honour.
“About this time, many tender feelings and sorrowful partings happened
between us, till the marriage knot was tied, when he sent me a bank-note
for a thousand pounds, by way of specimen, as he called it, of his
friendship, and of what he would do for me, should I ever want his
assistance. This mark of his generosity I received in a most tender
billet, which I shall never part with, together with his picture set in
diamonds.
“I now employed my thoughts in keeping measures with my lord; we lay
in the same apartment, and for the first four or five months I neither
dined nor supped abroad above twice; and then he knew where I was, and
approved of my company. But all this complacency and circumspection had
no effect upon his temper, which remained as capricious and dissatisfied
as ever. Nay, to such a provoking degree did this unhappy humour
prevail, that one day, in the presence of his lawyer, he harangued upon
my misconduct since our last reunion; and very freely affirmed, that
every step I had taken was diametrically opposite to his will.
“Conscious of the pains I had been at to please him, I was so incensed
at these unjust invectives, that, starting up, I told him he was a
little dirty fellow; and would have left the house immediately, had not
his lawyer, and others, who were in the room, interposed, and by dint of
argument and importunity diverted me from my purpose. By the bye, I have
been informed by a person of rank, that my lord discovered exactly the
same disposition in his father's lifetime, and only changed the subject
of his complaint from the word father to that of wife. Indeed, he takes
all opportunities of plaguing my dear parent, as he has just sagacity
enough to know, that this is the most effectual way he can take to
distress me.
“After repeated trials, I have given up all hopes of making him happy,
or of finding myself easy in my situation, and live with him at present
to avoid a greater inconvenience. Not that his ill-nature is all the
grievance of which I complain; exclusive of the personal disgust I
entertain for him, his folly is of that species which disobliges rather
than diverts, and his vanity and affectation altogether intolerable;
for he actually believes himself, or at least would impose himself upon
mankind, as a pattern of gallantry and taste; and, in point of business.
a person of infinite sagacity and penetration. But the most ridiculous
part of his character is his pretended talent for politics, in which he
so deeply concerns himself, that he has dismissed many a good servant,
because he suspected him of having wrong connections; a theme upon which
he has often quarrelled with me, even almost to parting, accusing me
with holding correspondence with the earls of B-- and C--, and Mr.
H-- V--, though I never had the least acquaintance with any of these
gentlemen, except the earl of C--, to whom I have not spoken these ten
years past.
“In short, I have often been at a loss to know, whether he was more mad
and malicious in those fits of enthusiasm, wherein he seemed transported
with zeal for the commonwealth, and tormented me with his admonitions
out of all temper and patience. At length, however, I contrived an
expedient which freed me from these troublesome expostulations, and
silenced him effectually on the score of politics. This was no other
than an open avowal of being connected with all those people whom I have
named. Indeed, I knew him too well to believe there was anything solid
in his intention or professions, even when he carried himself so far
as to demand a private audience of the k--, in order to communicate a
scheme for suppressing the rebellion; and that being denied, solicited
the duke of D--'s interest, for permission to raise and head a regiment
of Kentish smugglers. Nay, to such a pitch did his loyalty soar, that he
purchased a firelock of particular mechanism, calculated for the safety
of the bearer, in case he had been placed sentinel at his Majesty's
door, and kept his horses ready caparisoned, with a view of attending
his sovereign to the field. Notwithstanding all these pompous
preparations, had he been put to the proof, he would have infallibly
crept out of his engagements, through some sneaking evasion, his
imagination being very fertile in such saving pretences. Yet he will
talk sometimes so fervently, and even sensibly, on the subject, that a
stranger would mistake him for a man of understanding, and determined
zeal for the good of his country.
“Since my last return to his house, that act of parliament passed, by
which he was enabled to pay his debts, and, among the rest, a thousand
pounds of my contracting, the only burden of that kind I ever entailed
upon him, exclusive of my pin-money, which was never regularly paid; nor
would he have been subject to this, had he not, by his persecution and
pursuit, exposed me to an extraordinary expense. I have also had it
in my power to reward some of my faithful Abigails; in particular,
to relieve from extreme distress that maid to whom, as I have already
observed, Lord B-- granted an annuity, which she had sold: so that she
was reduced to the most abject poverty; and I found her in a dismal
hole, with two infants perishing for want; a spectacle which drew tears
from my eyes, and indeed could not but make deep impression upon a heart
like mine, which the misery of my fellow-creatures never failed to melt.
“Nor did I upon this occasion forget the attachment and fidelity of my
other woman Mrs. S--, who, hearing I was robbed in my passage through
Flanders, had generously relinquished the allowance I had settled upon
her at parting. The exercise of such acts of humanity and benevolence,
and the pleasure of seeing my dear and tender parent often, in
some measure alleviate the chagrin to which I am subject from the
disagreeable disposition of my lord, who, consistent with his former
inconsistency, upon our last reconciliation, cheerfully agreed to a
proposal I made of having concerts in the house, and even approved of
the scheme with marks of particular satisfaction. But, before one half
of the winter was expired, he found means to banish all the company,
beginning with Lord R-- B--, who, as he walked up-stairs one evening,
was stopped by a footman, who plainly told him he had orders to say to
him in particular, that his lordship was not at home; yet the very next
day, perceiving that nobleman and me walking together in the park, he
joins us with an air of alacrity, as if no such thing had happened,
and even behaved to Lord R-- with the most fawning complaisance.
His deportment was equally absurd and impertinent to the rest of his
friends, who forsook us gradually, being tired of maintaining any
friendly communication with such a disagreeable composition of ignorance
and arrogance. For my own part, I look upon him as utterly incorrigible;
and, as fate has subjected me to his power, endeavour to make the
bitter draught go down, by detaching myself as much as possible from the
supposition that there is any such existence upon earth. Indeed, if I
had not fatal experience to the contrary, I should be apt to believe
that such a character is not to be found among the sons of men; because
his conduct is altogether unaccountable by the known rules and maxims of
life, and falls entirely under the poet's observation, when he says,
“'Tis true, no meaning puzzles more than wit.”
Her ladyship having thus concluded her story, to the entertainment
of the company, and the admiration of Peregrine, who expressed his
astonishment at the variety of adventures she had undergone, which
was such as he thought sufficient to destroy the most hardy and robust
constitution, and therefore infinitely more than enough to overwhelm one
of her delicate frame; one of the gentlemen present roundly taxed her
with want of candour, in suppressing some circumstances of her life,
which he thought essential in the consideration of her character.
She reddened at this peremptory charge, which had an evident effect upon
the countenances of the whole audience, when the accuser proceeded
to explain his imputation, by observing, that, in the course of her
narration, she had omitted to mention a thousand acts of uncommon
charity, of which he himself knew her to be guilty; and that she had
concealed a great many advantageous proposals of marriage, which she
might have accepted before she was engaged.
The company were agreeably undeceived by this explanation; which her
ladyship acknowledged in very polite terms, as a compliment equally
genteel and unexpected. And our hero, after having testified the sense
he had of her complaisance and condescension, in regaling him with a
mark of her confidence and esteem, took his leave, and went home in a
state of confusion and perplexity; for, from the circumstances of the
tale he had heard, he plainly perceived, that her ladyship's heart
was too delicate to receive such incense as he, in the capacity of an
admirer, could at present pay; because, though he had in some measure
abridged the empire of Emilia in his own breast, it was not in his own
power to restrain it so effectually, but that it would interfere with
any other sovereign whom his thoughts should adopt; and unless Lady --
could engross his whole love, time, and attention, he foresaw that it
would be impossible for him to support the passion which he might have
the good fortune to inspire. He was, moreover, deterred from declaring
his love, by the fate of her former admirers, who seemed to have been
wound up to a degree of enthusiasm, that looked more like the effect of
enchantment, than the inspiration of human attractions; an ecstasy of
passion which he durst not venture to undergo. He, therefore, resolved
to combat with the impressions he had already received, and, if
possible, cultivate her friendship without soliciting her affection.
But, before he could fix upon this determination, he desired to know the
footing on which he stood in her opinion; and, by the intelligence of
Crabtree, obtained in the usual manner, understood that her sentiments
of him were very favourable, though without the least tincture of love.
He would have been transported with joy, had her thoughts of him been
of a more tender texture; though his reason was better pleased with
the information he received; in consequence of which he mustered up the
ideas of his first passion, and set them in opposition to those of this
new and dangerous attachment; by which means he kept the balance in
equilibrio, and his bosom tolerably quiet.