perplexity; and, being afraid of staying in town, resolved, with the
concurrence of my lover, to accept of an invitation I had received from
the duke of K--, who had by this time arrived in England, with that lady
whom I have already mentioned as one of our parties at Paris. Having
visited my little infant, I next day set out for the duke's country
seat, which is a most elegant chateau, and stands in a charming
situation. Mr. S--- followed in a few days. We met with a very cordial
reception; his grace was civil and good-natured, lived nobly, and loved
pleasure; Madame de la T-- was formed to please. There was always a
great deal of company in the house; so that we passed our time agreeably
in playing at billiards and cards, hunting, walking, reading, and
conversation.
“But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration. In the
midst of this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction, in
the death of my dear hapless infant, who had engrossed a greater share
of my tenderness than perhaps I even should have paid to the offspring
of a legitimate contract; because the circumstance of her birth would
have been an insurmountable misfortune to her through the whole course
of her life, and rendered her absolutely dependent on my love and
protection.
“While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom, Lord
-- came down, and demanded me as his wife; but the suit which I then
maintained against him deprived him, for the present, of a husband's
right; and therefore the duke would not deliver me into his hands.
In six months he repeated his visit and demand; and an agreement was
patched up, in consequence of which I consented to live in the same
house with him, on condition that he should never desire to sleep with
me, or take any other measure to disturb my peace; otherwise I should
be at liberty to leave him again, and entitled to the provision of a
separate maintenance. To these articles I assented, by the advice of my
lawyers, with a view of obtaining the payment of my pin-money, which I
had never received since our parting, but subsisted on the sale of my
jewels, which were very considerable, and had been presented to me with
full power of alienation. As to my lover, he had no fortune to support
me; and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting his
expense.
“We had now enjoyed each other's company for three years, during which
our mutual passions had suffered no abatement, nor had my happiness been
mixed with any considerable alloy, except that late stroke of providence
which I have already mentioned, and the reflection of the sorrow that
my conduct had entailed upon my dear father, whom I loved beyond
expression, and whom nothing could have compelled me to disoblige but a
more powerful flame, that prevailed over every other consideration. As I
was now forced to break off this enchanting correspondence, it is not to
be doubted that our parting cost us the most acute sensations of grief
and disappointment. However, there was no remedy. I tore myself from
his arms, took my leave of the family, after having acknowledged my
obligations to the duke, and set out for the place of rendezvous, where
I was met by my lord, attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged,
and who was one chief cause of our future separations. My lord, having
quitted his house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Pall Mall,
and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night; but I refused to
gratify his desire, on the authority of our agreement.
“This dispute produced a quarrel, in consequence of which I attempted to
leave the house. He endeavouring to prevent my retreat, I fairly locked
him in, ran down-stairs, and, calling a hackney-coach, made the best of
my way into the city, to my father's lodgings, where I lay, the family
being in town, though he himself was in the country. I wrote to him
immediately; and, when he came to London, declared my intention of
separating from my lord; in which, seeing me obstinate and determined,
he at length acquiesced, and a formal separation accordingly ensued,
which at that time I thought binding and immutable.
“I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father, who had
taken me into favour again, on the supposition that my commerce with Mr.
S-- was absolutely at an end. Nevertheless, though we had separated,
in all appearance for ever, we had previously agreed to maintain our
correspondence in private interviews, which should escape the notice of
the world, with which I was again obliged to keep some measures.
“Our parting at the duke of K--'s house in the country was attended with
all the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection, and I lived
in the sweet hope of seeing him again, in all the transport of his
former passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, brought me a
billet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing the superscription
of S--'s handwriting, I opened it with all the impatience of an absent
lover; but how shall I describe the astonishment and consternation with
which I was seized, when I perused the contents! Instead of the most
tender vows and protestations, this fatal epistle began with, Madam,
the best thing you can do is to return to your father, or some cold and
killing expression to that effect.
“Heaven and earth! what did I feel at this dire conjuncture! the light
forsook my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed my limbs, and I was overwhelmed
with such a torrent of sorrow and surprise, that everybody present
believed I would have died under the violent agitation. They endeavoured
to support my spirits with repeated draughts of strong liquor, which had
no sensible effect upon my constitution, though for eight whole years
I had drunk nothing stronger than water; and I must have infallibly
perished in the first ecstasy of my grief, had it not made its way in
a fit of tears and exclamation, in which I continued all night, to the
amazement of the family, whom my condition had alarmed, and raised from
their repose. My father was the only person who guessed the cause of
my affliction; he said he was sure I had received some ill-usage in
a letter or message from that rascal S--; so he termed him in the
bitterness of passion.
“At mention of that name, my agony redoubled to such a degree that
all who were present wept at sight of my deplorable condition. My poor
father shed a flood of tears, and conjured me to tell him the cause of
my disquiet; upon which, rather than confess the truth, I amused his
concern by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole family having
stayed by me till I was a little more composed, left me to the care of
my maid, who put me into bed about six in the morning, but I enjoyed no
rest. I revolved every circumstance of my conduct, endeavouring to find
out the cause of this fatal change in S--'s disposition; and as I could
recollect nothing which could justly give offence, concluded that some
malicious persons had abused his ears with stories to my prejudice.
“With this conjecture I got up, and sent my lawyer to him with a letter,
wherein I insisted upon seeing him, that I might have an opportunity of
justifying myself in person; a task which would be easily performed,
as I had never offended, but in loving too well. I waited with the most
anxious impatience for the return of my messenger, who brought me an
answer couched in the coldest terms of civility which indifference
could dictate; acknowledging, however, that he had nothing to lay to my
charge, but that it was for the good of us both that we should part. He
ought to have reflected on that before, not after I had sacrificed my
all for his love! I was well-nigh distracted by this confirmation of
his inconstancy; and I wonder to this day how I retained the use of my
reason under such circumstances of horror and despair! My grief laid
aside all decorum and restraint; I told my father that S-- was dying,
and that I would visit him with all expedition.
“Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the fatal
consequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the difficulty
with which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive my
former imprudence, observed that his intention was to carry me into the
country next day, in order to effect a perfect reconciliation; but now
I was on the brink of forfeiting all pretensions to their regard, by
committing another fatal error, which could not possibly be retrieved;
and that, for his part, whatever pangs it might cost him, he was
resolved to banish me from his sight for ever.
“While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled down his cheeks,
and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification;
so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief,
reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and the
consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was struck dumb
with remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I told
him how sensible I was of his great goodness and humanity, and owned
how little I deserved his favour and affection; that the sense of my own
unworthiness was one cause of my present distraction; for such was the
condition of my fate, that I must either see S-- or die. I said,
though I could not expect his forgiveness, I was surely worthy of his
compassion; that nothing but the most irresistible passion could have
misled me at first from my duty, or tempted me to incur the least degree
of his displeasure; that the same fatal influence still prevailed, and
would, in all probability, continue to the grave, which was the only
abode in which I hoped for peace.
“While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept with
the most tender sympathy, and, saying I might do as I pleased, for he
had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the cruel sensations
of my own heart, which almost burst with anguish, upbraiding me with a
fault which I could not help committing. I immediately hired a
chariot and six, and would have set out by myself, had not my father's
affection, which all my errors could not efface, provided an attendant.
He saw me quite delirious and desperate; and therefore engaged a
relation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rash
expedition.
“During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remission
of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and
suspense. At last we arrived at a little house called the Hut, on
Salisbury Plain, where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote a letter
to S--, describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced by
his unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most earnest
solicitations. This billet I committed to the care of my attendant, and
laid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S--, my injuries were so
great, and my despair so violent, that, if he did not favour me with a
visit, I would go to him, though at his sister's house, where he then
was.
“He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend, that,
if I would return to London without insisting upon the interview I
demanded, he would, in a little time, follow me to town, and everything
should be amicably adjusted; but when the messenger assured him, that
I was too much transported with grief to hear of such a proposal, he
consented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury Plain, that we might
avoid all observation. And though I was little able to walk, I set
out for the place of assignation, my companion following at a small
distance.
“When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I collected all my
fortitude, and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert; but
when I made an effort to speak, my tongue denied its office, and so
lively was the expression of unutterable sorrow in my countenance, that
his heart, hard as it was, melted at the sight of my sufferings, which
he well knew proceeded from the sincerity of my love. At length I
recovered the use of speech enough to tell him, that I was come to take
my leave; and, when I would have proceeded, my voice failed me again.
But, after a considerable pause, I found means, with great difficulty,
to let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrieve
his lost affections; but that I was willing, if possible, to retain
his esteem, of which could I be assured, I would endeavour to compose
myself; that I was determined to leave the kingdom, because I could not
bear the sight of those places where we had been so happy in our mutual
love; and that, till my departure, I hoped he would visit me sometimes,
that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his company; for I should not
be able to survive the shock of being deprived of him all at once.
“This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer; but love
will tame the proudest disposition, as plainly appeared in my case; for
I had naturally as much spirit, or more, than the generality of people
have. Mr. S-- was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour,
that he scarce knew what answer to make; for, as he afterwards owned,
he expected to hear himself upbraided; but he was not proof against my
tenderness. After some hesitation, he said, he never meant to forsake
me entirely, that his affection was still unimpaired, and that he would
follow me directly to London. I imposed upon myself, and believed what
he said, because I could not bear to think of parting with him for ever,
and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind than that in which
I had left my father, though my heart was far from being at ease; my
fears being ingenious enough to foresee, that I should never be able to
overcome his indifference.
“I took lodgings in Mount-street, and my maid having disposed of herself
in marriage, hired another, who supplied her place very much to my
satisfaction. She was a good girl, had a particular attachment to
me, and for many years, during which she lived in my service, was
indefatigably assiduous in contributing to my ease, or rather in
alleviating my affliction. For, though S-- came up to town according to
promise, and renewed a sort of correspondence with me for the space of
five months, his complaisance would extend no farther; and he gave me
to understand, that he had determined to go abroad with Mr. V--; whom he
accordingly accompanied in his envoying to D--.
“I understood the real cause of this expedition, which, notwithstanding
his oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard, I construed
into a palpable mark of dislike and disrespect; nor could the repeated
assurances I received from him in letters mitigate the anguish and
mortification that preyed upon my heart. I therefore gave up all hopes
of recovering the happiness I had lost. I told him on the eve of his
departure, that he might exercise his gallantry a great while, before he
would meet with my fellow, in point of sincerity and love; for I would
rather have been a servant in his house, with the privilege of seeing
him, than the queen of England debarred of that pleasure.
“When he took his leave, and went down-stairs, I shrunk at every step he
made, as if a new wound had been inflicted upon me and when I heard the
door shut behind him, my heart died within me. I had the satisfaction
to hear afterwards, he lamented the loss of me prodigiously, and that he
had never been so happy since. I sat down to write a letter, in which I
forgave his indifference, because I knew the affections are altogether
involuntary, and wished him all the happiness he deserved. I then walked
up and down the room in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by my
maid, rose at six, mounted my horse and rode forty miles, in order to
fatigue myself that I might next night enjoy some repose. This exercise
I daily underwent for months together; and, when it did not answer my
purpose, I used to walk round Hyde-park in the evening, when the place
was quite solitary and unvisited by any other human creature.
“In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was one day accosted
by a very great man, who, after the first salutation, asked whether or
not my intercourse with S-- was at an end, and if I had any allowance
from my husband. To the first of these questions I replied in the
affirmative; and to the last answered, that my lord did not allow me a
great deal; indeed, I might have truly said nothing at all; but I was
too proud to own my indigence. He then expressed his wonder, how one
like me, who had been used to splendour and affluence from my cradle,
could make shift to live in my present narrow circumstances; and, when I
told him that I could make a very good shift, so I had peace, he seemed
to lament my situation, and very kindly invited me to sup with his wife
at his house. I accepted the invitation, without any apprehension of
the consequence; and, when I went to the place, was introduced into an
apartment magnificently lighted up, I suppose, for my reception.
“After I had stayed alone for some time in this mysterious situation,
without seeing a living soul, my inviter appeared, and said, he hoped
I would not take it amiss that he and I were to sup by ourselves, as he
had something to say, which could not be so properly communicated before
company or servants. I then, for the first time, perceived his drift,
to my no small surprise and indignation; and, with evident marks of
displeasure, told him, I was sure he had nothing to propose that would
be agreeable to my inclination, and that I would immediately leave the
house. Upon which he gave me to understand, that I could not possibly
retire, because he had sent away my chair, and all his servants were
disposed to obey his orders.
“Incensed at this declaration, which I considered as an insult, I
answered, with an air of resolution, it was very well; I despised his
contrivance, and was afraid of nothing. Seeing me thus alarmed, he
assured me I had no reason to be afraid; that he had loved me long, and
could find no other opportunity of declaring his passion. He said the
Q-- had told him that Lord -- had renewed his addresses to me; and,
as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence with S-- was
absolutely broke off, he thought himself as well entitled as another to
my regard. In conclusion, he told me that I might command his purse, and
that he had power enough to bring me into the world again with eclat. To
these advances I replied, that he was very much mistaken in his opinion
of my character, if he imagined I was to be won by any temptations of
fortune; and very frankly declared, that I would rather give myself to a
footman, than sell myself to a prince.
“Supper being served, we sat down together; but I would neither eat
nor drink anything, except a little bread and water; for I was an odd
whimsical girl, and it came into my head, that he might perhaps have
mixed something in the victuals or wine, which would alter my way of
thinking. In short, finding himself baffled in all his endeavours, he
permitted me about twelve o'clock to depart in peace, and gave up his
suit as a desperate cause.
“This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelvemonth, without
feeling the least abatement of my melancholy. Finding myself worn to a
skeleton, I resumed my former resolution of trying to profit by change
of place, and actually went abroad, with no other attendant than my
woman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention was to have
gone to the south of France, where I thought I could have subsisted on
the little I had left, which amounted to five hundred pounds, until the
issue of my law-suit, by which I hoped to obtain some provision from my
lord; and, without all doubt, my expectation would have been answered,
had I put this my plan in execution; but, being at Paris, from whence
I proposed to set forward in a few days, I sent to M. K--, who had been
formerly intimate with my father, and shown me many civilities during my
first residence in France.
“This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and, when I made him
acquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it, as an uncomfortable
determination. He advised me to stay at Paris, where, with good economy,
I could live as cheap as in any other place, and enjoy the conversation
and countenance of my friends, among which number he declared himself
one of the most faithful. He assured me, that I should be always welcome
to his table, and want for nothing. He promised to recommend me as a
lodger to a friend of his, with whom I would live in a frugal and decent
manner; and observed, that, as the woman was well known and esteemed by
all the English company in Paris, it would be the most reputable step
I could take, considering my youth and situation, to lodge with a
creditable person, who could answer for my conduct. Thus persuaded, I
very simply followed his advice; I say simply, because, notwithstanding
his representations, I soon found my money melt away, without any
prospect of a fresh supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my time
very agreeably in several English and some French families, where, in a
little time, I became quite intimate, saw a great deal of company, and
was treated with the utmost politeness and regard; yet, in the midst of
these pleasures, many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance of
my beloved S--, whom, for several years, I could not recollect without
emotion; but time, company, amusements, and change of place, in a great
measure dissipated these ideas, and enabled me to bear my fate with
patience and resignation.
“On my last arrival at Paris, I was surrounded by a crowd of professed
admirers, who sighed and flattered in the usual forms; but, besides
that my heart was not in a condition to contract new engagements, I was
prepossessed against them all, by supposing that they presumed upon
the knowledge of my indiscretion with S--; and therefore rejected their
addresses with detestation and disdain; for, as I have already observed,
I was not to be won but by the appearance of esteem, and the most
respectful carriage; and though, by a false step, I had, in my own
opinion, forfeited my title to the one, I was resolved to discourage the
advances of any man who seemed deficient in the other.
“In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed, almost as soon as
they presented themselves, and I preserved the independence of my heart,
until I became acquainted with a certain peer, whom I often saw at the
house of Mrs. P--, an English lady then resident at Paris. This young
nobleman professed himself deeply enamoured of me, in a style so
different from that of my other admirers, that I heard his protestations
without disgust; and, though my inclinations were still free, could not
find in my heart to discountenance his addresses, which were preferred
with the most engaging modesty, disinterestedness, and respect.
“By these never-failing arts, he gradually conquered my indifference,
and gained the preference in my esteem from Lord C-- and the prince of
C--, who were at that time his rivals. But what contributed more than
any consideration to his success was his declaring openly, that he would
marry me without hesitation, as soon as I could obtain a divorce from
my present husband, which, in all probability, might have been easily
procured; for, before I left England, Lord -- had offered me five
thousand pounds if I would consent to such a mutual release, that he
might be at liberty to espouse one Miss W--, of Kent, to whom he then
made love upon honourable terms; but I was fool enough to refuse his
proposal, by the advice of S--. And whether or not his lordship, finding
it impracticable to wed his new mistress, began to make love upon
another footing, I know not; but, certain it is, the mother forbade
him the house, a circumstance which he took so heinously ill, that
he appealed to the world in a public advertisement, beginning with
'Whereas, for some time, I have passionately loved Miss W--, and, upon
my not complying with the mother's proposals, they have turned me out of
doors, this is to justify,' etc.
“This declaration, signed with his name, was actually printed in a
number of detached advertisements, which he ordered to be distributed to
the public; and afterwards, being convinced by some of his friends
that he had done a very silly thing, he recalled them at half a guinea
apiece. A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris, and I believe my
father has now one of the originals in his possession. After this wise
vindication of his conduct, he made an attempt to carry off the lady
from church by force of arms; but she was rescued by the neighbours,
headed by her brother, who, being an attorney, had like to have made his
lordship smart severely for this exploit.
“Meanwhile my new admirer had made some progress in my heart; and, my
finances being exhausted, I was reduced to the alternative of returning
to Lord -- again, or accepting Earl B--'s love. When my affairs were
brought to an issue, I made no hesitation in my choice, putting myself
under the protection of a man of honour whom I esteemed, rather than
suffer every sort of mortification from a person who was the object of
my abhorrence and contempt. From a mistaken pride, I chose to live in
Lord B--'s house, rather than be maintained at his expense in another
place. We spent several months agreeably in balls and other diversions,
visited Lord B--, who lived at the distance of a few leagues from Paris,
and stayed some days at his house, where the entertainment was, in all
respects, delightful, elegant, and refined. Their habitation was the
rendezvous of the best company in France; and Lady B-- maintained
the same superiority in her own sex, for which her lord is so justly
distinguished among the men.
“About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a little North
Briton, who lived with Lord B-- as his companion, and did not at all
approve of our correspondence; whether out of real friendship for his
patron, or apprehension that in time I might supersede his own influence
with my lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be that as it will, the
frost was so severe, that we were detained ten days at Calais before
we could get out of the harbour; and, during that time, I reflected
seriously on what my new lover proposed. As he was very young, and
unacquainted with the world, I thought my story might have escaped him;
and therefore determined to give him a faithful detail of the whole,
that he might not have anything to reproach me with in the sequel;
besides, I did not think it honest to engage him to do more for me
than he might afterwards perhaps think I was worth. Accordingly, I
communicated to him every particular of my life; and the narration,
far from altering his sentiments, rather confirmed his good opinion, by
exhibiting an undoubted proof of my frankness and sincerity. In short,
he behaved with such generosity, as made an absolute conquest of my
heart. But my love was of a different kind from that which had formerly
reigned within my breast, being founded upon the warmest gratitude and
esteem, exclusive of any other consideration, though his person was very
agreeable, and his address engaging.
“When we arrived in England, I went directly to his country seat, about
twelve miles from London, where he soon joined me, and we lived some
time in perfect retirement. His relations being greatly alarmed with the
apprehension that Lord -- would bring an action against him, though he
himself desired nothing more, and lived so easy under that expectation,
that they soon laid aside their fears on his account.
“We were visited by Mr. H. B--, a relation of my lord, and one Mr. R--,
of the Guards, who, with the little Scotchman and my lover, made an
agreeable set, among whom I enjoyed hunting, and all manner of country
diversions. As to Mr. H. B--, if ever there was perfection in one
man, it centred in him; or, at least, he, of all the men I ever knew,
approached the nearest to that idea which I had conceived of a perfect
character. He was both good and great, possessed an uncommon genius, and
the best of hearts. Mr. R-- was a very sociable man, had a good person,
and cultivated understanding; and my lord was excessively good-humoured;
so that, with such companions, no place could be dull or insipid. For
my own part, I conducted the family; and, as I endeavoured to please and
make everybody happy, I had the good fortune to succeed. Mr. B-- told
me, that before he saw me, he heard I was a fool; but finding, as he was
pleased to say, that I had been egregiously misrepresented, he courted
my friendship, and a correspondence commenced between us. Indeed, it was
impossible for any person to know him, without entertaining the utmost
esteem and veneration for his virtue.
“After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat, my husband began
to make a bustle. He sent a message, demanding me from Lord B--; then
came in person, with his nightcap in his pocket, intending to have
stayed all night, had he been asked, and attended by a relation, whom
he assured that I was very fond of him, and detained by force from his
arms. Finding himself disappointed in his expectations, he commenced a
law-suit against Lord B--, though not for a divorce, as we desired,
but with a view to reclaim me as his lawful wife. His lawyers, however,
attempted to prove criminal conversation, in hopes of extorting money
from my lover. But their endeavours were altogether fruitless; for no
servant of Lord B--'s or mine could with justice say we were ever seen
to trespass against modesty and decorum; so that the plaintiff was
nonsuited. While this cause was depending, all my lover's friends
expressed fear and concern for the issue, while he himself behaved with
the utmost resolution, and gave me such convincing proofs of a strong
and steady affection, as augmented my gratitude, and riveted the ties of
my love, which was unblemished, faithful, and sincere.
“Soon after this event, I was seized with a violent fit of illness, in
which I was visited by my father, and attended by two physicians, one of
whom despaired of my life, and took his leave accordingly; but Dr.
S--, who was the other, persisted in his attendance, and, in all human
appearance, saved my life; a circumstance by which he acquired a great
share of reputation. Yet, notwithstanding all his assistance, I was
confined to my bed for ten weeks; during which Lord B--'s grief was
immoderate, his care and generosity unlimited. While I lay in this
extremity, Mr. S--, penetrated by my melancholy condition, which revived
his tenderness, begged leave to be admitted to my presence; and Lord B--
would have complied with his request, had I not been judged too weak to
bear the shock of such an interview. My constitution, however, agreeably
disappointed my fears; and the fever had no sooner left me, than I was
removed to a hunting seat belonging to my lover, from whence, after I
had recovered my strength, we went to B-- castle, where we kept open
house. And, while we remained at this place, Lord B-- received a letter
from Lord --, dated in November, challenging him to single combat in
May, upon the frontiers of France and Flanders. This defiance was
sent in consequence of what had passed between them long before my
indisposition, at a meeting in a certain tavern, where they quarrelled,
and in the fray, my lover threw his antagonist under the table. I
counselled him to take no notice of this rhodomontade, which I knew was
void of all intention of performance; and he was wise enough to follow
my advice, resolved, however, should the message be repeated, to take
the challenger at his word.
“Having resided some time at this place, we returned to the other
country house which he had left, where Lord B-- addicted himself so
much to hunting, and other male diversions, that I began to think he
neglected me, and apprised him of my suspicion, assuring him, at the
same time, that I would leave him as soon as my opinion should be
confirmed. This declaration had no effect upon his behaviour, which
became so remarkably cold, that even Mr. R--, who lived with us,
imagined that his affection was palpably diminished. When I went to
town, I was usually attended by his cousin, or this gentleman, or both,
but seldom favoured with his company; nay, when I repaired to Bath, for
the re-establishment of my health, he permitted me to go alone; so that
I was quite persuaded of his indifference; and yet I was mistaken in my
opinion. But I had been spoiled by the behaviour of my first husband,
and Mr. S--, who never quitted me for the sake of any amusement, and
often resisted the calls of the most urgent business, rather than part
from me, though but for a few hours. I thought every man who loved me
truly would act in the same manner; and, whether I am right or wrong
in my conjectures, I leave wiser casuists to judge. Certain it is,
such sacrifice and devotion is the most pleasing proof of an admirer's
passion; and, Voyez-moi plus souvent, et ne me donnez rien, is one of my
favourite maxims. A man may give money, because he is profuse; he may
be violently fond, because he is of a sanguine constitution. But, if he
gives me his time, he gives me an unquestionable proof of my being in
full possession of his heart.
“My appearance at Bath, without the company of Lord B--, occasioned a
general surprise, and encouraged the men to pester me with addresses,
every new admirer endeavouring to advance his suit by demonstrating the
unkind and disrespectful behaviour of his lordship. Indeed, this was
the most effectual string they could touch. My pride and resentment were
alarmed, I was weak enough to listen to one man, who had like to have
insinuated himself into my inclinations. He was tall and large-boned,
with white hair, inclining to what is called sandy, and had the
reputation of being handsome, though I think he scarce deserved that
epithet. He possessed a large fortune, loved mischief, and stuck
at nothing for the accomplishment of his designs, one of his chief
pleasures being that of setting any two lovers at variance. He employed
his address upon me with great assiduity, and knew so well how to
manage my resentment, that I was pleased with his manner, heard his vows
without disgust, and, in a word, promised to deliberate with myself upon
his proposals, and give him an account of my determination in writing.
“Thus resolved, I went to Lord B--, in Wiltshire, whither I was followed
by this pretender to my heart, who visited us on the footing of an
acquaintance; but when I reflected on what I had done, I condemned my
own conduct as indiscreet, though nothing decisive had passed between
us, and began to hate him in proportion to the self-conviction I felt,
perceiving that I had involved myself in a difficulty from which I
should not be easily disengaged. For the present, however, I found means
to postpone my declaration. He admitted my excuse, and I returned to
London with Lord B--, who was again summoned to the field by his former
challenger.
“H--d--n, governor, counsellor, and steward to this little hero, came to
Lord B-- with a verbal message, importing that his lordship had changed
his mind about going to Flanders, but expected to meet him, on such
a day and hour, in the burying-ground near Red Lion-square. Lord B--
accepted the challenge, and gave me an account of what had passed; but
he had been anticipated by the messenger, who had already tried to alarm
my fears from the consideration of the consequence, that I might take
some measures to prevent their meeting. I perceived his drift, and told
him plainly, that Lord ---- had no intention to risk his person, though
he endeavoured with all his might to persuade me, that his principal was
desperate and determined. I knew my little husband too well to think
he would bring matters to any dangerous issue, and was apprehensive of
nothing but foul play, from the villainy of H--d--n, with which I was
equally well acquainted. Indeed, I signified my doubts on that score to
Mr. B--, who would have attended his kinsman to the field, had he not
thought he might be liable to censure, if anything should happen to Lord
B--, because he himself was heir at law: for that reason he judiciously
declined being personally concerned; and we pitched upon the earl of
A--, his lordship's uncle, who willingly undertook the office.
“At the appointed time they went to the house of rendezvous, where they
had not waited long when the challenger appeared, in a new pink satin
waistcoat, which he had put on for the occasion, with his sword under
his arm, and his steward by him, leaving, in a hackney-coach at some
distance, a surgeon whom he had provided for the care of his person.
Thus equipped he advanced to his antagonist, and desired him to choose
his ground; upon which Lord B-- told him, that if he must fall, it was
not material which grave he should tumble over.
“Our little hero, finding him so jocose and determined, turned to
Lord A--, and desired to speak with him, that he might disburden his
conscience before they should begin the work of death. They accordingly
went aside; and he gave him to understand, that his motive for fighting,
was Lord B--'s detaining his wife from him by compulsion. The earl of
A-- assured him, he was egregiously mistaken in his conjecture; that his
nephew used no force or undue influence to keep me in his house; but it
could not be expected that he would turn me out of doors.
“This explanation was altogether satisfactory to Lord --, who said he
was far from being so unreasonable as to expect Lord B-- would commit
such a breach of hospitality; and all he desired was, that his wife
should be left to her own inclinations. Upon these articles, peace was
concluded, and they parted without bloodshed. At least these are the
particulars of the story, as they were related by Lord A--, with whom
I laughed heartily at the adventure, for I never doubted that the
challenger would find some expedient to prevent the duel, though I
wondered how he mustered up resolution enough to carry it so far.
“That he might not, however, give us any more trouble, we resolved to
go and enjoy ourselves in France, whither I went by myself, in hopes of
being soon joined by my lover, who was obliged to stay some time longer
in England, to settle his affairs. He was so much affected at our
parting, though but for a few weeks, that he was almost distracted.
And this affliction renewed my tenderness for him, because it was an
undoubted proof of his love. I wrote to him every post from France; and,
as I had no secrets, desired him to take care of all the letters that
should come to his house, directed to me, after my departure from
England.
“This was an unfortunate office for him, in the execution of which he
chanced to open a letter from Sir T-- A--, with whom, as I have already
observed, I had some correspondence at Bath. I had according to my
promise, given this gentleman a decisive answer, importing that I
was determined to remain in my present situation; but as Lord B-- was
ignorant of my sentiments in that particular, and perceived from the
letter that something extraordinary had passed between us, and that
I was earnestly solicited to leave him, he was seized with the utmost
consternation and concern; and, having previously obtained the king's
leave to go abroad, set out that very night for France, leaving his
affairs in the greatest confusion.
“Sir T-- A-- hearing I was gone, without understanding the cause of my
departure, took the same route, and both arrived at Dover next day. They
heard of each other's motions. Each bribed the master of a packet-boat
to transport him with expedition; but that depending upon the wind, both
reached Calais at the same time, though in different vessels. Sir
T-- sent his valet-de-chambre post, with a letter, entreating me to
accompany him into Italy, where he would make me mistress of his whole
fortune, and to set out directly for that country, that he might not
lose me by the arrival of Lord B--, promising to join me on the road,
if I would consent to make him happy. I sent his messenger back with
an answer, wherein I expressed surprise at his proposals, after having
signified my resolution to him before I left England. He was scarce
dismissed, when I received another letter from Lord B--, beseeching me
to meet him at Clermont, upon the road from Calais; and conjuring me
to avoid the sight of his rival, should he get the start of him in
travelling. This, however, was not likely to be the case, as Lord B--
rode post, and the other was, by his corpulence, obliged to travel in
a chaise; yet, that I might not increase his anxiety, I left Paris
immediately on the receipt of his message, and met him at the appointed
place, where he received me with all the agitation of joy and fear,
and asked if I had ever encouraged Sir T-- A-- in his addresses. I very
candidly told him the whole transaction, at which he was incensed; but
his indignation was soon appeased, when I professed my penitence, and
assured him that I had totally rejected his rival. Not that I approved
of my behaviour to Sir T--, who, I own, was ill-used in this affair; but
surely it was more excusable to halt here, than proceed farther in my
indiscretion.
“My lover being satisfied with my declaration, we went together to
Paris, being attended by the Scotchman, whom I have already mentioned,
though I believe he was not over and above well pleased to see matters
thus amicably compromised. The furious knight followed us to the
capital; insisted on seeing me in person; told this North Briton, that
I was actually engaged to him; wrote every hour, and railed at my
perfidious conduct. I took no notice of these delirious transports,
which were also disregarded by Lord B--, till, one night, he was
exasperated by the insinuations of Mr. C--, who, I believe, inflamed
his jealousy, by hinting a suspicion that I was really in love with his
rival. What passed betwixt them I know not, but he sent for me from the
opera, by a physician of Paris, who was a sort of go-between among us
all, and who told me, that, if I did not come home in the instant, a
duel would be fought on my account.
“I was very much shocked at this information; but, by being used to
alarms from the behaviour of Lord --, I had acquired a pretty good share
of resolution, and with great composure entered the room where Lord B--
was, with his companion, whom I immediately ordered to withdraw. I then
gave his lordship to understand, that I was informed of what had passed,
and thought myself so much injured by the person who had just quitted
the apartment, that I would no longer live under the same roof with
him. Lord B-- raved like a bedlamite, taxing me with want of candour and
affection; but I easily justified my own integrity, and gave him such
assurances of my love, that his jealousy subsided, and his spirits were
recomposed. Nevertheless, I insisted upon his dismissing Mr. C--, on
pain of my leaving the house, as I could not help thinking he had used
his endeavours to prejudice me in the opinion of my lord. If his conduct
was the result of friendship for his patron, he certainly acted the part
of an honest and trusty adherent. But I could not easily forgive
him, because, a few weeks before, he had, by my interest, obtained a
considerable addition to his allowance; and even after the steps he had
taken to disoblige me, I was not so much his enemy but that I prevailed
upon Lord B-- to double his salary, that his leaving the family might
be no detriment to his fortune. His lordship having complied with my
demand, this gentleman, after having stayed three days in the house,
to prepare for his departure, during which I would not suffer him to be
admitted into my presence, made his retreat with a fine young girl, who
was my companion; and I have never seen him since that time.
“Sir T-- still continued furious, and would not take a denial, except
from my own mouth, upon which, with the approbation of Lord B--, I
indulged him with an interview. He entered the apartment with a stern
countenance, and told me I had used him ill. I pleaded guilty to the
charge, and begged his pardon accordingly. I attempted to reason the
case with him, but he would hear no arguments except his own, and even
tried to intimidate me with threats; which provoked me to such a degree,
that I defied his vengeance. I told him, that I feared nothing but the
report of my own conscience; that, though I had acted a simple part, he
durst not say there was anything criminal in my conduct, and that, from
his present frantic and unjust behaviour, I thought myself happy in
having escaped him. He swore I was the most inflexible of all creatures;
asked if nothing would move me; and when I answered, “Nothing,” took his
leave, and never after persecuted me with his addresses; though I have
heard he was vain and false enough to boast of favours, which, upon
my honour, he never received, as he himself, at one time, owned to Dr.
Cantwell, at Paris.
“While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon my account, he
was loved with the same violence of passion by a certain Scotch lady of
quality, who, when he followed me to France, pursued him thither with
the same eagerness and expedition. Far from being jealous of me as a
rival, she used to come to my house, implore my good offices with the
object of her love, and, laying herself on the floor at full length
before the fire, weep and cry like a person bereft of her senses. She
bitterly complained that he had never obliged her but once; and
begged, with the most earnest supplications, that I would give her an
opportunity of seeing him at my house. But I thought proper to avoid her
company, as soon as I perceived her intention.
“We continued at Paris for some time, during which I contracted an
acquaintance with the sister of Madame de la T--. She was the
supposed mistress of the prince of C--, endowed with a great share of
understanding, and loved pleasure to excess, though she maintained her
reputation on a respectable footing, by living with her husband and
mother. This lady, perceiving that I had inspired her lover with a
passion, which gave me uneasiness on her account, actually practised all
her eloquence and art in persuading me to listen to his love; for it
was a maxim with her to please him at any rate. I was shocked at her
indelicate complaisance, and rejected the proposal as repugnant to my
present engagement, which I held as sacred as any nuptial tie, and much
more binding than a forced or unnatural marriage.
“Upon our return to England, we lived in great harmony and peace, and
nothing was wanting to my happiness, but the one thing to me the most
needful; I mean the enchanting tenderness and delightful enthusiasm of
love. Lord B--'s heart, I believe, felt the soft impressions; and, for
my own part, I loved him with the most faithful affection. It is not
enough to say I wished him well; I had the most delicate, the most
genuine esteem for his virtue; I had an intimate regard and anxiety for
his interest; and felt for him as if he had been my own son. But still
there was a vacancy in my heart; there was not that fervour, that
transport, that ecstasy of passion which I had formerly known; my bosom
was not filled with the little deity; I could not help recalling to my
remembrance the fond, the ravishing moments I had passed with S--. Had
I understood the conditions of life, those pleasures were happily
exchanged for my present situation, because, if I was now deprived
of those rapturous enjoyments, I was also exempted from the cares
and anxiety that attended them; but I was generally extravagant in my
notions of happiness, and therefore construed my present tranquility
into an insipid languor and stagnation of life.
“While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment, Lord --, having
received a very considerable addition to his fortune, sent a message
to me, promising, that if I would leave Lord B--, he would make me
a present of a house and furniture, where I should live at my case,
without being exposed to his visits, except when I should be disposed to
receive them. This proposal he made in consequence of what I had always
declared, namely, that if he had not reduced me to the necessity
of putting myself under the protection of some person or other, by
depriving me of any other means of subsistence, I should never have
given the world the least cause to scandalize my reputation; and that I
would withdraw myself from my present dependence, as soon as he should
enable me to live by myself. I was therefore resolved to be as good as
my word, and accepted his offer, on condition that I should be wholly
at my own disposal, and that he should never enter my door but as a
visitant or common friend.
“These articles being ratified by his word and honour, the value
of which I did not then know, a house was furnished according to my
directions; and I signified my intention to Lord B--, who consented
to my removal, with this proviso, that I should continue to see him. I
wrote also to his relation, Mr. B--, who, in his answer, observed,
that it was too late to advise, when I was actually determined. All my
friends and acquaintance approved of the scheme, though it was one
of the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken, being a real act of
ingratitude to my benefactor; which I soon did, and always shall regret
and condemn. So little is the world qualified to judge of private
affairs!
“When the time of our parting drew near, Lord B-- became gloomy and
discontented, and even entreated me to postpone my resolution; but I
told him, that now everything was prepared for my reception, I could not
retract without incurring the imputation of folly and extravagance.
On the very day of my departure, Mr. B-- endeavoured, with all the
arguments he could suggest, to dissuade me from my purpose; and I
made use of the same answer which had satisfied his friend. Finding me
determined on removing, he burst out into a flood of tears, exclaiming,
“By God! if Lord B-- can bear it, I can't.” I was thunderstruck at this
expression; for though I had been told that Mr. B-- was in love with
me, I gave no credit to the report, because he had never declared his
passion, and this was the first hint of it that ever escaped him in
my hearing. I was therefore so much amazed at the circumstance of this
abrupt explanation, that I could make no answer; but having taken my
leave, went away, ruminating on the unexpected declaration.
“Lord B--, as I was informed, spoke not a word that whole night, and
took my leaving him so much to heart, that two years elapsed before he
got the better of his grief. This intelligence I afterwards received
from his own mouth, and asked his forgiveness for my unkind retreat,
though I shall never be able to obtain my own. As for Mr. B--, he was
overwhelmed with sorrow, and made such efforts to suppress his concern,
as had well nigh cost him his life. Dr. S-- was called to him in the
middle of the night, and found him almost suffocated. He soon guessed
the cause, when he understood that I had left the house. So that I
myself was the only person concerned, who was utterly ignorant of his
affection; for I solemnly declare he never gave me the least reason
to suspect it while I lived with his relation, because he had too much
honour to entertain a thought of supplanting his friend, and too good an
opinion of me to believe he should have succeeded in the attempt. Though
my love for Lord B-- was not so tender and interesting as the passion I
had felt for S--, my fidelity was inviolable, and I never harboured the
most distant thought of any other person, till after I had resolved
to leave him, when, I own, I afforded some small encouragement to the
addresses of a new admirer by telling him, that I should, in a little
time, be my own mistress, though I was not now at my own disposal.
“I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise. It was accommodated with
all sorts of conveniences; everything was new, and therefore pleasing,
and the whole absolutely at my command. I had the company of a relation,
a very good woman, with whom I lived in the most amicable manner; was
visited by the best people in town--I mean those of the male sex, the
ladies having long ago forsaken me; I frequented all reputable places of
public entertainment, and had a concert at home once a week; so that
my days rolled on in happiness and quiet, till all my sweets were
embittered by the vexatious behaviour of my husband, who began to
importune me again to live with him; and by the increasing anxiety of
Lord B--, who, though I still admitted his visits, plainly perceived
that I wanted to relinquish his correspondence. This discovery raised
such tempests of jealousy and despair within his breast, that he kept
me in continual alarm. He sent messages to me every hour, signed his
letters with his own blood, raved like a man in ecstasy of madness,
railed at my ingratitude, and praised my conduct by turns. He offered
to sacrifice everything for my love, to leave the kingdom forthwith, and
live with me for ever in any part of the world where I should choose to
reside.
“These were generous and tempting proposals; but I was beset with
counsellors who were not totally disinterested, and who dissuaded me
from embracing the proffers of my lover, on pretence that Lord -- would
be highly injured by my compliance. I listened to their advice, and
hardened my heart against Lord B--'s sorrow and solicitations. My
behaviour on this occasion is altogether unaccountable; this was the
only time that ever I was a slave to admonition. The condition of Lord
B-- would have melted any heart but mine, and yet mine was one of the
most sensible. He employed his cousin as an advocate with me, till that
gentleman actually refused the office, telling him candidly, that his
own inclinations were too much engaged to permit him to perform the task
with fidelity and truth. He accordingly resolved to avoid my presence,
until my lord and I should come to some final determination, which was
greatly retarded by the perseverance of his lordship, who would not
resign his hopes, even when I pretended that another man had engaged my
heart, but said, that in time my affection might return.
“Our correspondence, however, gradually wore off; upon which Mr.
B-- renewed his visits, and many agreeable and happy hours we passed
together. Not that he, or any other person whom I now saw, succeeded to
the privilege of a fortunate lover; I knew he loved me to madness; but
I would not gratify his passion any other way than by the most profound
esteem and veneration for his virtues, which were altogether amiable and
sublime; and I would here draw his character minutely, but it would
take up too much time to set forth his merit; the only, man living of
my acquaintance who resembles him, is Lord F--, of whom I shall speak in
the sequel.
“About this time I underwent a very interesting change in the situation
of my heart. I had sent a message to my old lover S--, desiring he would
allow my picture, which was in his possession, to be copied; and he
now transmitted it to me by my lawyer, whom he directed to ask, if I
intended to be at the next masquerade. This curiosity had a strange
effect upon my spirits; my heart fluttered at the question, and my
imagination glowed with a thousand fond presages. I answered in the
affirmative; and we met by accident at the ball. I could not behold him
without emotion: when he accosted me, his well-known voice made my heart
vibrate, like a musical chord, when its unison is struck. All the ideas
of our past love, which the lapse of time and absence had enfeebled and
lulled to sleep, now awoke, and were reinspired by his appearance; so
that his artful excuses were easily admitted: I forgave him all that
I had suffered on his account, because he was the natural lord of my
affection; and our former correspondence was renewed.
“I thought myself in a new world of bliss in consequence of this
reconciliation, the rapture of which continued unimpaired for the space
of four months, during which time he was fonder of me, if possible, than
before; repeated his promise of marriage, if we should ever have it in
our power; assured me he had never been happy since he left me: that
he believed no woman loved like me. And indeed, to have a notion of my
passion for that man, you must first have loved as I did. But, through
a strange caprice, I broke off the correspondence, out of apprehension
that he would forsake me again. From his past conduct I dreaded what
might happen; and the remembrance of what I had undergone by his
inconstancy, filled my imagination with such horror, that I could not
endure the shocking prospect, and prematurely plunged myself into the
danger, rather than endure the terrors of expectation. I remembered
that his former attachment began in the season of my prosperity, when
my fortune was in the zenith, and my youth in its prime; and that he had
forsaken me in the day of trouble when my life became embarrassed, and
my circumstances were on the decline. I foresaw nothing but continual
persecution from my husband, and feared, that, once the keener
transports of our reconciliation should be over, his affection would
sink under the severity of its trial. In consequence of this desertion,
I received a letter from him, acknowledging that he was rightly served,
but that my retreat gave him inexpressible concern.
“Meanwhile Lord -- continued to act in the character of a fiend,
tormenting me with his nauseous importunities. He prevailed upon the
duke of L-- to employ his influence in persuading me to live with him;
assuring his grace, that I had actually promised to give him that proof
of my obedience, and that I would come home the sooner for being pressed
to compliance by a person of his rank and character. Induced by these
representations, the duke honoured me with a visit; and, in the course
of his exhortations, I understood how he had been thus misinformed. Upon
which I sent for Lord --, and, in his presence, convicted him of the
falsehood, by communicating to his grace the articles of our last
agreement, which he did not think proper to deny; and the duke, being
undeceived, declared, that he would not have given me the trouble of
vindicating myself, had he not been misled by the insincerity of my
lord.
“Baffled in this attempt, he engaged Mr. H-- V--, and afterwards my
own father, in the same task; and though I still adhered to my first
resolution, persisted with such obstinacy in his endeavours to make me
unhappy, that I determined to leave the kingdom. Accordingly, after
I had spent the evening with him at Ranelagh, I went away about two
o'clock in the morning, leaving my companion, with directions to restore
to my lord his house, furniture, plate, and everything he had given me
since our last accommodation; so far was I, upon this occasion, or at
any other time of my life, from embezzling any part of his fortune. My
friend followed my instructions most punctually: and his lordship knows
and will acknowledge the truth of this assertion.
“Thus have I explained the true cause of my first expedition to
Flanders, whither the world was good-natured enough to say, I followed
Mr. B-- and the whole army, which happened to be sent abroad that
summer. Before my departure, I likewise transmitted to Lord B-- the
dressing plate, china, and a very considerable settlement, of which he
had been generous enough to make me a present. This was an instance of
my integrity, which I thought due to a man who had laid me under great
obligations; and though I lived to be refused a small sum both by him
and S--, I do not repent of my disinterested behaviour; all the revenge
I harbour against the last of these lovers, is the desire of having it
in my power to do him good.
“I now found myself adrift in the world again, and very richly deserved
the hardships of my condition, for my indiscretion in leaving Lord B--,
and in trusting to the word of Lord -- without some further security;
but I have dearly paid for my imprudence. The more I saw into the
character of this man, whom destiny hath appointed my scourge, the more
was I determined to avoid his fellowship and communication; for he and
I are, in point of disposition, as opposite as any two principles in
nature. In the first place, he is one of the most unsocial beings that
ever existed; when I was pleased and happy, he was always out of temper;
but if he could find means to overcast and cloud my mirth, though never
so innocent, he then discovered signs of uncommon satisfaction and
content, because, by this disagreeable temper, he banished all company
from his house. He is extremely weak of understanding, though he
possesses a good share of low cunning, which has so egregiously imposed
upon some people, that they have actually believed him a good-natured
easy creature, and blamed me because I did not manage him to better
purpose; but, upon further acquaintance, they have always found him
obstinate as a mule, and capricious as a monkey. Not that he is utterly
void of all commendable qualities. He is punctual in paying his debts,
liberal when in good humour, and would be well-bred, were he not subject
to fits of absence, during which he is altogether unconversable; but he
is proud, naturally suspicious, jealous, equally with and without cause,
never made a friend, and is an utter stranger to the joys of intimacy;
in short, he hangs like a damp upon society, and may be properly called
Kill-joy, an epithet which he has justly acquired. He honoured me with
constant professions of love; but his conduct is so opposite to my
sentiments of that passion, as to have been the prime source of all my
misfortunes and affliction; and I have often wished myself the object of
his hate, in hopes of profiting by a change in his behaviour.
“Indeed, he has not been able to make me more unhappy than I believe
he is in his own mind; for he is literally a self-tormentor, who never
enjoyed one gleam of satisfaction except at the expense of another's
quiet; and yet with this, I had almost called it diabolical quality, he
expects that I should cherish him with all the tenderness of affection.
After he has been at pains to incur my aversion, he punishes my disgust,
by contriving schemes to mortify and perplex me, which have often
succeeded so effectually, as to endanger my life and constitution; for
I have been fretted and frighted into sundry fits of illness, and then I
own I have experienced his care and concern.
“Over and above the oddities I have mentioned, he is so unsteady in his
economy, that he is always new-modelling his affairs, and exhausting
his fortune, by laying out ten pounds, in order to save a shilling. He
inquires into the character of a servant, after he has lived two
years in his family, and is so ridiculously stocked with vanity and
self-conceit, that, notwithstanding my assurance before, and the whole
series of my conduct since our marriage, which ought to have convinced
him of my dislike, he is still persuaded, that, at bottom, I must admire
and be enamoured of his agreeable person and accomplishments, and that
I would not fail to manifest my love, were I not spirited against him
by his own relations. Perhaps it might be their interest to foment the
misunderstanding betwixt us; but really they give themselves no trouble
about our affairs; and, so far as I know them, are a very good sort of
people. On the whole, I think I may with justice pronounce my precious
yoke-fellow a trifling, teasing, insufferable, inconsistent creature.
“With the little money which remained of what I had received from
his lordship for house-keeping, I transported myself to Flanders, and
arrived in Ghent a few days after our troops were quartered in that
city, which was so much crowded with these new visitants, that I
should have found it impracticable to procure a lodging, had I not been
accommodated by Lord B--, the duke of A--'s youngest brother, who very
politely gave me up his own. Here I saw my friend Mr. B--, who
was overjoyed at my arrival, though jealous of every man of his
acquaintance; for he loved me with all the ardour of passion, and I
regarded him with all the perfection of friendship, which, had he lived,
in time might have produced love; though that was a fruit which it
never brought forth. Notwithstanding his earnest solicitations to the
contrary, I stayed but a week in Ghent, from whence I proceeded to
Brussels, and fixed my abode in the Hotel de Flandre, among an agreeable
set of gentlemen and ladies, with whom I spent my time very cheerfully.
There was a sort of court in this city, frequented by all the officers
who could obtain permission to go thither; and the place in general was
gay and agreeable. I was introduced to the best families, and very
happy in my acquaintance; for the ladies were polite, good-tempered, and
obliging, and treated me with the utmost hospitality and respect. Among
others, I contracted a friendship with Madame la comtesse de C-- and her
two daughters, who were very amiable young ladies; and became intimate
with the Princess C-- and Countess W--, lady of the bedchamber to the
queen of Hungary, and a great favourite of the governor, Monsieur d'H--,
in whose house she lived with his wife, who was also a lady of a very
engaging disposition.
“Soon after I had fixed my habitation in Brussels, the company at our
hotel was increased by three officers, who professed themselves my
admirers, and came from Ghent, with a view of soliciting my love. This
triumvirate consisted of the Scotch earl of --, Lord R-M--, and another
young officer. The first was a man of a very genteel figure and amorous
complexion, danced well, and had a great deal of good-humour, with a
mixture of vanity and self-conceit. The second had a good face, though
a clumsy person, and a very sweet disposition, very much adapted for the
sentimental passion of love. And the third, Mr. W-- by name, was tall,
thin, and well-bred, with a great stock of good-nature and vivacity.
These adventurers began their addresses in general acts of gallantry,
that comprehended several of my female friends, with whom we used to
engage in parties of pleasure, both in the city and the environs,
which are extremely agreeable. When they thought they had taken the
preliminary steps of securing themselves in my good opinion and esteem,
they agreed to go on without further delay, and that Lord -- should make
the first attack upon my heart.
“He accordingly laid siege to me, with such warmth and assiduity, that I
believe he deceived himself, and began to think he was actually in love;
though, at bottom, he felt no impulse that deserved the sacred name.
Though I discouraged him in the beginning, he persecuted me with his
addresses; he always sat by me at dinner, and imparted a thousand
trifles in continual whispers, which attracted the notice of the company
so much, that I began to fear his behaviour would give rise to some
report to my prejudice, and therefore avoided him with the utmost
caution. Notwithstanding all my care, however, he found means one night,
while my maid, who lay in my room, went downstairs, to get into my
chamber after I was abed. Upon which, I started up, and told him, that,
if he should approach me, I would alarm the house; for I never wanted
courage and resolution. Perceiving my displeasure, he kneeled by the
bedside, begged I would have pity on his sufferings, and swore I
should have carte blanche to the utmost extent of his fortune. To these
proposals I made no other reply, but that of protesting I would never
speak to him again, if he did not quit my apartment that moment; upon
which he thought proper to withdraw; and I never afterwards gave him
an opportunity of speaking to me on the same subject. So that, in a
few weeks, he separated himself from our society; though the ladies of
Brussels considered him as my lover, because, of all the other officers,
he was their greatest favourite.
“His lordship being thus repulsed, Mr. W-- took the field, and assailed
my heart in a very different manner. He said he knew not how to make
love, but was a man of honour, and would keep the secret, and so forth.
To this cavalier address I answered, that I was not angry as I otherwise
should have been, at his blunt declaration, because I found by his own
confession, he did not know what was due to the sex; and my unhappy
situation in some shape excused him for a liberty which he would
not have dreamed of taking, had not my misfortunes encouraged his
presumption. But I would deal with him in his own way; and, far from
assuming the prude, frankly assured him, that he was not at all to my
taste, hoping he would consider my dislike as a sufficient reason to
reject his love.
“Lord R-- began to feel the symptoms of a genuine passion, which he
carefully cherished in silence, being naturally diffident and bashful;
but, by the very means he used to conceal it from my observation,
I plainly discerned the situation of his heart, and was not at all
displeased at the progress I had made in his inclinations. Meanwhile he
cultivated my acquaintance with great assiduity and respect, attended me
in all my excursions, and particularly in an expedition to Antwerp, with
two other gentlemen, where, in downright gaiete de coeur, we sat for
our pictures, which were drawn in one piece, one of the party being
represented in the dress of a hussar, and another in that of a running
footman. This incident I mention, because the performance, which is now
in my possession, gave birth to a thousand groundless reports circulated
in England at our expense.
“It was immediately after this jaunt that Lord R-- began to disclose his
passion; though he, at the same time, started such objections as seemed
to extinguish his hopes, lamenting that, even if he should have the
happiness to engage my affections, his fortune was too inconsiderable
to support us against the efforts of Lord --, should he attempt to
interrupt our felicity, and that he himself was obliged to follow the
motions of the army. In short, he seemed to consider my felicity more
than his own, and behaved with such delicacy, as gradually made an
impression on my heart, so that, when we parted, we agreed to renew our
correspondence in England.
“In the midst of these agreeable amusements, which I enjoyed in almost
all the different towns of Flanders, I happened to be at Ghent one day,
sitting among a good deal of company, in one of their hotels, when a
post-chaise stopped at the gate; upon which we went to the windows to
satisfy our curiosity, when who should step out of the convenience, but
my little insignificant lord! I no sooner announced him to the company,
than all the gentlemen asked whether they should stay and protect me,
or withdraw; and when I assured them that their protection was not
necessary, one and all of them retired; though Lord R-- M-- went no
farther than the parlour below, being determined to screen me against
all violence and compulsion. I sent a message to my lord, desiring him
to walk up into my apartment; but although his sole errand was to see
and carry me off, he would not venture to accept of my invitation,
till he had demanded me in form from the governor of the place. That
gentleman, being altogether a stranger to his person and character,
referred him to the commanding officer of the English troops, who was a
man of honour, and, upon his lordship's application, pretended to doubt
his identity; observing, that he had always heard Lord -- represented
as a jolly, corpulent man. He gave him to understand, however, that even
granting him to be the person, I was by no means subject to military
law, unless he could prove that I had ever listed in his Majesty's
service.
“Thus disappointed in his endeavours, he returned to the inn, and,
with much persuasion, trusted himself in my dining-room, after having
stationed his attendants at the door, in case of accidents. When I asked
what had procured me the honour of this visit, he told me, his business
and intention were to carry me home. This declaration produced a
conference, in which I argued the case with him; and matters were
accommodated for the present, by my promising to be in England some time
in September, on condition that he would permit me to live by myself, as
before, and immediately order the arrears of my pin-money to be paid. He
assented to everything I proposed, returned in peace to his own country,
and the deficiencies of my allowance were made good; while I returned
to Brussels, where I stayed until my departure for England, which I
regulated in such a manner as was consistent with my engagement.
“I took lodgings in Pall-mall, and, sending for my lord, convinced him
of my punctuality, and put him in mind of his promise, when, to my utter
astonishment and confusion, he owned, that his promise was no more than
a decoy to bring me over, and that I must lay my account with living
in his house like a dutiful and obedient wife. I heard him with the
indignation such treatment deserved, upbraiding him with his perfidious
dealing, which I told him would have determined me against cohabitation
with him had I not been already resolved; and, being destitute of all
resource, repaired to Bath, where I afterwards met with Mr. D-- and Mr.
R--, two gentlemen who had been my fellow-passengers in the yacht from
Flanders, and treated me with great friendship and politeness, without
either talking or thinking of love.
“With these gentlemen, who were as idle as myself, I went to the jubilee
at Preston, which was no other than a great number of people assembled
in a small town, extremely ill-accommodated, to partake of diversions
that were bad imitations of plays, concerts, and masquerades. If the
world should place to the account of my indiscretion my travelling in
this manner with gentlemen to whom I had no particular attachment, let
it also be considered, as an alleviation, that I always lived in terror
of my lord, and consequently was often obliged to shift my quarters; so
that, my finances being extremely slender, I stood the more in need of
assistance and protection. I was, besides, young, inconsiderate, and so
simple, as to suppose the figure of an ugly man would always secure
me from censure on his account; neither did I ever dream of any man's
addresses, until he made an actual declaration of his love.
“Upon my return to Bath, I was again harassed by Lord --, who came
thither accompanied by my father, whom I was very glad to see, though
he importuned me to comply with my husband's desire, and for the future
keep measures with the world. This remonstrance about living with
my lord, which he constantly repeated, was the only instance of his
unkindness which I ever felt. But all his admonitions were not of force
sufficient to shake my resolution in that particular; though the debate
continued so late, that I told his lordship, it was high time to
retire, for I could not accommodate him with a bed. He then gave me to
understand, that he would stay where he was; upon which my father took
his leave, on pretence of looking out for a lodging for himself. The
little gentleman being now left with me, began to discover some signs of
apprehension in his looks; but, mustering up all his resolution, he
went to the door, called up three of his servants, whom he placed as
sentinels upon the stairs, and flounced into my elbow-chair, where he
resigned himself to rest. Intending to go to bed, I thought it was but
just and decent that I should screen myself from the intrusion of his
footmen, and with that view bolted the door. Lord --, hearing himself
locked in, started up in the utmost terror and consternation, kicked the
door with his heel, and screamed aloud, as if he had been in the hands
of an assassin. My father, who had not yet quitted the house, hearing
these outcries, ran upstairs again, and, coming through my bedchamber
into the dining-room where we were, found me almost suffocated with
laughter, and his heroic son-in-law staring like one who had lost his
wits, with his hair standing on end.
“When my father asked the meaning of his exclamations, he told him, with
all the symptoms of dismay, that I had locked him in, and he did not
understand such usage. But I explained the whole mystery, by saying, I
had bolted the door because I did not like the company of his servants,
and could not imagine the cause of his panic, unless he thought I
designed to ravish him; an insult than which nothing was farther from my
intention. My father himself could scarce refrain from laughing at his
ridiculous fear; but, seeing him in great confusion, took pity on his
condition, and carried him off to his own lodgings, after I had given
my word that I would not attempt to escape, but give him audience next
morning. I accordingly kept my promise, and found means to persuade
them to leave me at my own discretion. Next day I was rallied upon
the stratagem I had contrived to frighten Lord --; and a thousand idle
stories were told about this adventure, which happened literally as I
have related it.
“From Bath I betook myself to a small house near Lincoln, which I had
hired of the d-- of A--, because a country life suited best with my
income, which was no more than four hundred pounds a year, and that
not well paid. I continued some months in this retirement, and saw
no company, except Lord R-- M--, who lived in the neighbourhood, and
visited me twice; till, finding myself indisposed, I was obliged to
remove to London, and took lodgings in Maddox-street, where my garrison
was taken by storm by my Lord -- and his steward, reinforced by Mr. L--
V-- (who, as my lord told me, had a subsidy of five-and-twenty pounds
before he would take the field) and a couple of hardy footmen. This
formidable band rushed into my apartment, laid violent hands upon me,
dragged me down-stairs without gloves or a cloak, and, thrusting me into
a coach that stood at the door, conveyed me to my lord's lodgings in
Gloucester-street. Upon this occasion, his lordship courageously drew
his sword upon my woman, who attempted to defend me from his insults,
and, in all probability, would have intimidated him from proceeding; for
he looked pale and aghast, his knees knocked together, and he breathed
thick and hard, with his nostrils dilated, as if he had seen a
ghost; but he was encouraged by his mercenary associate, who, for the
five-and-twenty pounds, stood by him in the day of trouble, and spirited
him on to this gallant enterprise.
“In consequence of this exploit, I was cooped up in a paltry apartment
in Gloucester-street, where I was close beset by his lordship and his
worthy steward Mr. H--, with a set of servants that were the creatures
of this fellow, of whom my lord himself stood in awe, so that I could
not help thinking myself in Newgate, among thieves and ruffians. To such
a degree did my terror avail, that I actually believed I was in danger
of being poisoned, and would not receive any sustenance, except from the
hands of one harmless-looking fellow, a foreigner, who, was my lord's
valet-de-chambre. I will not pretend to say my fears were just; but such
was my opinion of H--, that I never doubted he would put me out of the
way, if he thought my life interfered with his interest. On the second
day of my imprisonment, I was visited by the duke of L--, a friend of
my lord, who found me sitting upon a trunk, in a poor little diningroom
filled with lumber, and lighted with two bits of tallow candle, which
had been left overnight. He perceived in my face a mixture of rage,
indignation, terror, and despair. He compassionated my sufferings,
though he could not alleviate my distress any other way than by
interceding with my tyrant to mitigate my oppression. Nevertheless, I
remained eleven days in this uncomfortable situation: I was watched
like a criminal all day, and one of the servants walked from one room to
another all night, in the nature of a patrol; while my lord, who lay in
the chamber above me, got out of bed and tripped to the window at the
sound of every coach that chanced to pass through the street. H--, who
was consummate in the arts of a sycophant, began to court my favour, by
condoling my affliction, and assuring me, that the only method by which
I could regain my liberty was a cheerful compliance with the humour of
my lord. I was fully convinced of the truth of this observation; and,
though my temper is altogether averse to dissimulation, attempted to
affect an air of serenity and resignation. But this disguise, I found,
would not answer my purpose; and therefore I had recourse to the
assistance of my maid, who was permitted to attend me in my confinement.
With her I frequently consulted about the means of accomplishing my
escape. In consequence of our deliberations, she directed a coach and
six to be ready at a certain part of the town, and to wait for me three
days in the same place, in case I could not come before the expiration
of that term.
“This previous measure being taken according to my instructions, the
next necessary step was to elude the vigilance of my guard: and in this
manner did I effectuate my purpose. Being by this time indulged in the
liberty of going out in the coach for the benefit of the air, attended
by two footmen, who had orders to watch all my motions, I made use
of this privilege one forenoon, when Lord -- expected some company to
dinner, and bade the coachman drive to the lodgings of a man who wrote
with his mouth, intending to give my spies the slip, on pretence of
seeing this curiosity; but they were too alert in their duty to be thus
outwitted, and followed me up-stairs into the very apartment.
“Disappointed in this hope, I resolved another scheme, which was
attended with success. I bought some olives at an oil-shop; and, telling
the servants I would proceed to St. James's-gate, and take a turn in the
park, broke one of the bottles by the way, complained of the misfortune
when I was set down, and desired my coach might be cleaned before my
return. While my attendants were employed in this office, I tripped
across the Parade to the Horse Guards, and chanced to meet with an
acquaintance in the park, who said, he saw by my countenance that I was
upon some expedition. I owned his suspicion was just, but, as I had not
time to relate particulars, I quickened my pace, and took possession of
a hackney-coach, in which I proceeded to the vehicle I had appointed to
be in waiting.
“While I thus compassed my escape, there was nothing but perplexity and
confusion at home; dinner was delayed till six o'clock; my lord ran half
the town over in quest of his equipage, which at last returned, with
an account of my elopement. My maid was brought to the question, and
grievously threatened; but, like all the women I ever had, remained
unshaken in her fidelity. In the meantime, I travelled night and day
towards my retreat in Lincolnshire, of which his lordship had not,
as yet, got the least intelligence; and as my coachman was but an
inexperienced driver, I was obliged to make use of my own skill in that
exercise, and direct his endeavours the whole way, without venturing to
go to bed, or take the least repose, until I reached my own habitation.
There I lived in peace and tranquility for the space of six weeks,
when I was alarmed by one of my lord's myrmidons, who came into the
neighbourhood, blustering and swearing that he would carry me off either
dead or alive.
“It is not to be supposed that I was perfectly easy when I was made
acquainted with his purpose and declaration, as my whole family
consisted of no more than a couple of women and one footman. However, I
summoned up my courage, which had been often tried, and never forsook me
in the day of danger; and sent him word, that, if ever he should presume
to approach my house, I would order him to be shot without ceremony.
The fellow did not choose to put me to the trial, and returned to town
without his errand: but as the place of my abode was now discovered,
I laid my account with having a visit from his employer; I therefore
planted spies upon the road, with a promise of reward to him who should
bring me the first intelligence of his lordship's approach.
“Accordingly, I was one morning apprised of his coming, and, mounting
horse immediately, with my woman and valet, away we rode, in defiance of
winter. In two days I traversed the wilds of Lincolnshire and hundreds
of Essex, crossed the river at Tilbury, breakfasted at Chatham, by
the help of a guide and moonlight arrived at Dover the same evening,
embarked for Calais, in which place I found myself next day at two
o'clock in the afternoon; and being heartily tired with my journey,
betook myself to rest. My maid, who was not able to travel with such
expedition, followed me at an easier pace; and the footman was so
astonished at my perseverance, that he could not help asking me upon
the road, if ever I was weary in my life. Certain it is, my spirits
and resolution have enabled me to undergo fatigues that are almost
incredible. From Calais I went to Brussels, where I again set up my
rest in private lodgings; was again perfectly well received by the
fashionable people of that place; and, by the interest of my friends,
obtained the queen of Hungary's protection against the persecution of
my husband, while I should reside in the Austrian Netherlands. Thus
secured, I lived uncensured, conversing with the English company, with
which this city was crowded; but spent the most agreeable part of my
time with the countess of Calemberg, in whose house I generally dined
and supped. And I also contracted an intimacy with the princess of
Chemay, who was a great favourite with Madame d'Harrach, the governor's
lady.
“I had not been long in this happy situation, when I was disturbed by
the arrival of Lord --, who demanded me of the governor; but finding me
sheltered from his power, he set out for Vienna; and, in consequence
of his representations, strengthened with the duke of N--'s name, my
protection was withdrawn. But, before this application, he had gone to
the camp, and addressed himself to my Lord Stair, who was my particular
friend and ally by my first marriage, desiring he would compel me to
return to his house. His lordship told him, that I was in no shape
subject to his command; but invited him to dinner, with a view of
diverting himself and company at the expense of his guest. In the
evening, he was plied with so many bumpers to my health, that he became
intoxicated, and extremely obstreperous, insisted upon seeing Lord Stair
after he was retired to rest, and quarrelled with Lord D--, who being
a tall, large, raw-boned Scotchman, could have swallowed him at one
mouthful; but he thought he might venture to challenge him, in hopes of
being put under arrest by the general. Though he reckoned without his
host; Lord Stair knew his disposition, and, in order to punish his
presumption, winked at the affair. The challenger, finding himself
mistaken in his conjecture, got up early in the morning, and went off
post for Vienna. And Lord Stair desired a certain man of quality to make
me a visit, and give me an account of his behaviour.
“Being now deprived of my protection and pin-money, which my generous
husband would no longer pay, I was reduced to great difficulty and
distress. The duchess d'Aremberg, Lord G--, and many other persons of
distinction, interceded in my behalf with his Majesty, who was then
abroad; but he refused to interpose between man and wife. The countess
of Calemberg wrote a letter to my father, in which she represented my
uncomfortable situation, and undertook to answer for my conduct, in case
he would allow me a small annuity, on which I could live independent
of Lord --, who, by all accounts, was a wretch with whom I could never
enjoy the least happiness or quiet, otherwise she would be the first
to advise me to an accommodation. She gave him to understand, that her
character was neither doubtful nor obscure; and that, if my conduct
there had not been irreproachable, she should not have taken me under
her protection. That, as I proposed to board in a convent, a small
sum would answer my occasions; but, if that should be denied, I would
actually go to service, or take some other desperate step, to avoid the
man who was my bane and aversion.
“To this kind remonstrance my father answered that his fortune would not
allow him to assist me; he had now a young family; and that I ought,
at all events, to return to my husband. By this time, such was the
extremity of my circumstances, that I was forced to pawn my clothes, and
every trifling trinket in my possession, and even to descend so far as
to solicit Mr. S-- for a loan of fifty pounds, which he refused. Thus
was I deserted in my distress by two persons, to whom, in the season
of my affluence, my purse had been always open. Nothing so effectually
subdues a spirit unused to supplicate, as want. Repulsed in this manner,
I had recourse to Lord B--, who was also, it seems, unable to relieve my
necessities. This mortification I deserved at his hands, though he had
once put it in my power to be above all such paltry applications; and I
should not have been compelled to the disagreeable task of troubling my
friends, had not I voluntarily resigned what he formerly gave me. As to
the other gentleman to whom I addressed myself on this occasion, I
think he might have shown more regard to my situation, not only for
the reasons already mentioned, but because he knew me too well to be
ignorant of what I must have suffered in condescending to make such a
request.
“Several officers, who guessed my adversity, generously offered to
supply me with money; but I could not bring myself to make use of their
friendship, or even to own my distress, except to one person, of whom I
borrowed a small sum. To crown my misfortunes, I was taken very ill,
at a time when there was no other way of avoiding the clutches of my
persecutor but by a precipitate flight. In this emergency, I applied
to a worthy gentleman of Brussels, a very good friend of mine, but no
lover. I say no lover, because every man is supposed to act in that
capacity who befriends a young woman in distress. This generous Fleming
set out with me in the night from Brussels, and conducted me to the
frontier of France. Being very much indisposed both in mind and body
when I was obliged to undertake this expedition, I should in all
probability have sunk under the fatigue of travelling, had not my
spirits been kept up by the conversation of my companion, who was a man
of business and consequence, and undertook to manage my affairs in such
a manner as would enable me to re-establish my residence in the place I
had left. He was young and active, attended me with the utmost care and
assiduity, and left nothing undone which he thought would contribute to
my ease and satisfaction. I believe his friendship for me was a little
tinctured with another passion; but he was married, and lived very well
with his wife, who was also my friend; so that he knew I would never
think of him in the light of a lover.
“Upon our arrival at Valenciennes, he accommodated me with a little
money, for a little was all I would take, and returned to his own city,
after we had settled a correspondence by letters. I was detained a
day or two in this place by my indisposition, which increased; but,
nevertheless, proceeded to Paris, to make interest for a protection from
the king of France, which that monarch graciously accorded me, in three
days after my first application, and his minister sent orders to all the
governors and intendants of the province towns, to protect me against
the efforts of Lord ----, in whatever place I should choose to reside.
“Having returned my thanks at Versailles for this favour, and tarried
a few days at Paris, which was a place altogether unsuitable to the
low ebb of my fortune, I repaired to Lisle, where I intended to fix my
habitation; and there my disorder recurred with such violence, that I
was obliged to send for a physician, who seemed to have been a disciple
of Sangrado; for he scarce left a drop of blood in my body, and yet I
found myself never a whit the better. Indeed, I was so much exhausted by
these evacuations, and my constitution so much impaired by fatigue and
perturbation of mind, that I had no other hope of recovering but that of
reaching England, and putting myself under the direction of a physician
on whose ability I could depend.
“With this doubtful prospect, therefore, I determined to attempt a
return to my native air, and actually departed from Lisle, in such a
melancholy, enfeebled condition, that I had almost fainted when I was
put into the coach. But before I resolved upon this journey, I was
reduced to the utmost exigence of fortune, so that I could scarce afford
to buy provisions, had it been in my power to eat, and should not have
been able to defray my travelling expenses, had I not been generously
befriended by Lord R-- H--, who, I am sure, would have done anything
for my case and accommodation, though he has unjustly incurred the
imputation of being parsimonious, and I had no reason to expect any such
favour at his hands.
“In this deplorable state of health I was conveyed to Calais, being all
the way, as it were, in the arms of death, without having swallowed the
least sustenance on the road. So much was my indisposition augmented by
the fatigue of the journey, that I swooned when I was brought into the
inn, and had almost expired before I could receive the least assistance
or advice. However, my spirits were a little revived by some bread and
wine, which I took at the persuasion of a French surgeon, who, chancing
to pass by the door, was called up to my relief. Having sent my servant
to Brussels, to take care of my clothes, I embarked in the packet-boat,
and by the time we arrived at Dover was almost in extremity.
“Here I found a return coach, in which I was carried to London, and was
put to bed at the house we put up at, more dead than alive. The people
of the inn sent for an apothecary, who administered some cordial that
recalled me to life; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I told him
who I was, and desired him to wait upon Dr. S--, and inform him of my
situation. A young girl, who was niece to the landlord's wife, seeing
me unattended, made a tender of her service to me, and I accepted the
offer, as well as of a lodging in the apothecary's house, to which I was
conveyed as soon as my strength would admit of my removal. There I was
visited by my physician, who was shocked to find me in such a dangerous
condition. However, having considered my case, he perceived that
my indisposition proceeded from the calamities I had undergone, and
encouraged me with the hope of a speedy cure, provided I could be kept
easy and undisturbed. I was accordingly attended with all imaginable
care; my lord's name being never mentioned in my hearing, because I
considered him as the fatal source of all my misfortunes; and in a month
I recovered my health, by the great skill and tenderness of my
doctor, who now finding me strong enough to encounter fresh troubles,
endeavoured to persuade me, that it would be my wisest step to return
to my husband, whom at that time he had often occasion to see. But I
rejected his proposal, commencing a new lawsuit for separation, and took
a small house in St. James's-square.